RE: defiant streaks..... please help

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RE: defiant streaks..... please help - 1/8/2008 10:38:33 PM

kittengirl8

Posts: 120
Joined: 11/11/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom

When you realize you are being defiant, step back and take stock of how you are feeling. Do you need extra attention? Are you feeling scared? Do you need specific assurances? Figure it out and express it to him. It gets easier to recognize with practice.

I think this is the best piece of advice. Usually there's a cause behind defiance. For me, it's usually insecurity caused by depression. Once you're with the same Dom for long enough, it's common for them to start picking up on little things that change when you start getting defiant.

A great thing to remember is when your Dom asks, "What's wrong?" try to remember not to say "Nothing." If He/She thinks something is wrong, you're probably acting differently, and there probably is something wrong... No matter how minor.

Best of luck. And don't worry too much about it. Defiance can be altered into more of a fiesty thing. Many like fiesty...

~kitten~

(in reply to batshalom)

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RE: defiant streaks..... please help - 1/9/2008 5:14:56 AM

darkpassenger434

Posts: 138
Joined: 1/1/2008
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It would greatly depend on the sub. If she had a defiant streak that SHE desired to lose then we could train out of it. If not then I would have to make a decision if I loved it, liked it, could live with it, or had to look somewhere else.
-R

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RE: defiant streaks..... please help - 1/9/2008 5:17:54 AM

Coerced2Please

Posts: 47
Joined: 9/16/2007
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i guess this subby wants to act out as means of attention. i've still yet to learn the working difference between being feisty and disobedient.

(in reply to Sabella)

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RE: defiant streaks..... please help - 1/9/2008 5:27:55 AM

rubberpet

Posts: 1743
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: The Land of Voodoo
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I guess you could call mine a defiant streak, but I can be quite the smart ass and feisty sub who acts up just to get Mistress to put me back in my place. It's done with playful intentions and never meant to be disrespectful. It's like harnessing the power of a giant fire-breathing dragon or taming the fury of nature's premier killing machine...a tiger. I'll challenge Her authority, I'll give smart ass answers, and I'll just tell Her things like, "Run home, little girl, and go get your big girl panties if you think you can do that to me.," or "You can't run with the big dogs if you piss like a puppy!" She doesn't need the big girl panties, She's got that mean streak that puts things right back into place whenever She is done toying with me.

I wouldn't want to get rid of my defiant streak because it is a part of who I am and Mistress already told me that She loves the challenge of breaking me. She doesn't want a sissy or a doormat and believe me, She's not for the squeamish.

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Collared and devoted property of Mistress Lorelei (vampchick88) as of 3/26/08.

Rubberpet - The Resident Anti-Subby and mysterious shadowy figure known as Voodoo, proud hitman and wiseguy for the Subby Mafia.

(in reply to Daddyscologirl)

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RE: defiant streaks..... please help - 1/9/2008 6:51:42 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
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Hmmm... an interesting question...
Well, I was once known as a smart aleck masochist because I was so defiant. I wanted to be submissive, but just couldn't. Looking back, I realize that the one who collared me was not a good match for me - the trust was not there as deeply as perhaps it should have been. My defiance was based on fear and was in fact appropriate to the situation. After taking some time off and learning how to read my own signals and how to trust my instincts, I have found that there is no more defiance. But it also means that I do not submit to those I don't trust with my full heart.

To learn how to handle that was a long and slow process, one of great challenge - anyone who looks at their demons (as you are I believe contemplating) is a brave soul. You talk of being married which suggests that you are in a committed relationship (I hope). So what is the root of YOUR defiance. That is the question, not the defiance. As pointed out by others, defiance is the symptom rather than the problem. Find the root and you will find the solution. That said, remember, that your defiance may also be your greatest ally. We sometimes respond by closing down to situations that we don't understand intellectually. Sometimes it is merely a visceral experience of fear, danger, flashbacks, whatever. But those things can be faced. If they are realistic fears, then that's fine.

For example, I hate the water, and I will never do a scene where someone dunks my head under water (or at least at this point that's a hard limit). My fear is that I will die. Yes, I can swim, but honestly, I saw Jaws at a tender age and have a deep fear of sharks. So this fear has transmuted to a fear of water. Well, if a dom I was involved with wanted me to do a bathtub dunking scene, I would absolutely be defiant in my heart. But what would come out of my mouth might be curiosity. What does he want in the scene? Does he want me to be all wet? Does he want me to feel fear? Does he want to control my breath? Does he just like the buoyancy of water? I would bring my fear to him and find out the essence of what he wanted. Well if he just wanted me to be all wet - we could do a shower scene. If he wanted the fear, we could do a knife scene, etc. If he was hell bent on dunking my head in water and holding it there, he'd be in for a long wait and a lot of patient training and trust building.

The key is the root. Sometimes your fear serves you well. It can keep you safe. However, it is also the stalk that grows the flower of defiance. Pluck the flower and another grows back. Cut the stalk and it may reappear... But it is the root that holds the life. Find that, and then you can decide if it is a weed to be pulled out or merely a perennial that pops up occasionally. I expect you will find that your defiance can be traced back to one or two or three main themes. I would suggest looking for those themes. And then, be gentle with yourself. You've probably lived with them a long time.

peace

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RE: defiant streaks..... please help - 1/9/2008 10:48:59 AM

secretagentgirl

Posts: 70
Joined: 9/16/2007
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Is there any pattern as to what you're defiant about? Or in certain types of situations?
Or do you sometimes just not feel like being told what to do?

If you can think about that more, maybe it can help figure out how to deal with it... avoiding those situations, getting some alone time, taking a brief break from being submissive, talking about it, etc.

Probably a lame answer from me. I am new to this and outside the bedroom I HATE being told what to do, so I expect I will be defiant from time to time but I'm certainly not going to change that essence of my personality. If it's a problem for someone, we wouldn't be a good match.

< Message edited by secretagentgirl -- 1/9/2008 10:50:12 AM >

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

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