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Finding a Dom/Master? hints and tips PLEASE? - 1/8/2008 8:27:12 PM

creatrix

Posts: 56
Joined: 12/30/2007
From: Roseville, MI (GO PISTONS!)
Status: offline

Hi!

After some of the things I have seen here recently, someone being stalked, sub-drop, communication, hard limits, etc, is it "kosher" to get a "resume" of sorts before resorting to begining a relationship with a Dom/Master type person?... I know I probably sound stupid, no, I really sound extremely vanilla, but I really don't want to fall prey to a Ted Bundy type either.

I mean, how is this done? Do we just throw it out there? I see there are others searching for a Dom/Master also so what is protocol? Should I have a specific set of questions, is there a "method"? How do we know we can trust someone? I only ever did this once... but want to continue... but I really don't want to be hurt or anything... I believe it is definately alright, no matter whether I am a top, bottom, Dom, Master, sub, slave, switch... that I am happy... that I feel safe... that I do what is best for me. **(I had a Dom try to tell me to not ask questions (another site), but to take my place as a sub... I told him to fuck off and that I wasn't his...)**

Regardless, until an agreement has been made, correct me if I am wrong, I do not sub/slave... is that correct?

Geeze, am I being clear? I hope so... so anyway, who has suggestions? Thanks! :)

_____________________________

~creatrix~

A slave is to be measured from the inside,

for it is her soul that is enslaved,

her body simply follows...

Post #: 1

RE: Finding a Dom/Master? hints and tips PLEASE? - 1/8/2008 8:36:31 PM

takenbyjohnr07

Posts: 787
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

You are being perfectly clear. i looked for the same qualites that i do in a vanilla relationship and at the same time i am looking for red flags such as you have three e-mails between you and he is already telling you to cancel your profile or he is already making plans to fly down there to meet you and has given you a list of the sexual acts you will perform for him when he gets there. The list is so long.

Go with your instinct, don't ignore red flags, and take it slow. Even if he seems perfect and you fall madly in love from his first contact with you, take it slow. Also, red flag when a Dominant wants you to write him long fantasies in detail. My Owner never did that until after we net.

You will be fine as long as you go slowly , be cautious and keep your head. Your heart will foloow. i wish you so much luck.

_____________________________

i am the sole property of Johnr. He is the love of my life and the greatest Owner and i will live to serve and, please him only every day of my life.

(in reply to creatrix)

Post #: 2

RE: Finding a Dom/Master? hints and tips PLEASE? - 1/8/2008 8:40:05 PM

takenbyjohnr07

Posts: 787
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

P.S.

It's all the same principlas as when you meet a guy in the grocery store. Is it any safer? Do you know anything more abnout him because he stands in front of you?

i have always tried to be respectful and to give the person the benefit of the doubt. Though my eyes and ears stay open all the time. :)

_____________________________

i am the sole property of Johnr. He is the love of my life and the greatest Owner and i will live to serve and, please him only every day of my life.

(in reply to takenbyjohnr07)

Post #: 3

RE: Finding a Dom/Master? hints and tips PLEASE? - 1/8/2008 8:49:35 PM

creatrix

Posts: 56
Joined: 12/30/2007
From: Roseville, MI (GO PISTONS!)
Status: offline

Thanks!
I have some things I really want to communicate before I enter a serious relationship, mainly because there were so many "open holes" with my first/only D/s relationship. We DO learn from our past, whether it is a positive or negative experience... I truly believe... I just want to be safe and truly happy... I don't think I could serve a man who was not sweet tempered... but who knows... (I am a mush, arent I?) lol

_____________________________

~creatrix~

A slave is to be measured from the inside,

for it is her soul that is enslaved,

her body simply follows...

(in reply to takenbyjohnr07)

Post #: 4

RE: Finding a Dom/Master? hints and tips PLEASE? - 1/8/2008 8:52:21 PM

SwitchLynnetta

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/22/2007
Status: offline

(in reply to creatrix)

Post #: 5

RE: Finding a Dom/Master? hints and tips PLEASE? - 1/8/2008 8:53:42 PM

ksub4u

Posts: 124
Joined: 11/27/2007
Status: offline

A D/s relationship is built the same way a vanilla relationship is... one building brick at a time. There is no 'protocol' per se, however, there are some basic safety rules you should keep in mind. I'm not the best one to list them for you. You could probably search a few terms on the boards and see what you come up with.

You need to go with your gut instincts. Everyone seems to have a different feel for how they want to get to know someone. Some people email a few times back and forth on CM then move to Yahoo to chat and exchange further emails to get to know one another. If that goes well, you can proceed to phone calls. Then a meet for dinner, coffee, whatever - something in a vanilla place that feels safe to you. Meet him on the date - don't give out any relevant details to your life until you're certain this is someone you wish to build a relationship with. At least, this is how it's worked for me and several other subs I know. Just a loose gameplan, so to speak.

Keep reading the boards, reading about BDSM, figuring out where you fit in and what your desires are ... you'll find your knowledge and your understanding of yourself and your desires grow if you're willing to do the work.

(in reply to creatrix)

Post #: 6

RE: Finding a Dom/Master? hints and tips PLEASE? - 1/8/2008 8:54:22 PM

SwitchLynnetta

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/22/2007
Status: offline

i met my Owner on collar me been in his poly home for a mo he is the best Owner ive ever had

(in reply to SwitchLynnetta)

Post #: 7

RE: Finding a Dom/Master? hints and tips PLEASE? - 1/8/2008 8:56:55 PM

ksub4u

Posts: 124
Joined: 11/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: creatrix

Thanks!
I have some things I really want to communicate before I enter a serious relationship, mainly because there were so many "open holes" with my first/only D/s relationship. We DO learn from our past, whether it is a positive or negative experience... I truly believe... I just want to be safe and truly happy... I don't think I could serve a man who was not sweet tempered... but who knows... (I am a mush, arent I?) lol

Yes, we definitely learn from our past! And yes, communication is key to a serious relationship. I learned a lot from my first couple of D/s relationships - mostly about what I want and don't want. I think you should be able to clearly communicate your needs and desires with a Dominant who listens and understands you.

(in reply to creatrix)

Post #: 8

RE: Finding a Dom/Master? hints and tips PLEASE? - 1/8/2008 9:00:45 PM

themischievous1

Posts: 151
Joined: 4/3/2005
From: San Antonio, Texas
Status: offline

Gosh, to be where you are again..
No thanks! There was an unbelievable amount to learn -- but learn it all I did.

That's what I suggest you do. I suggest you spend time on these boards and read everything you can get your hands on. Make contact with others, talk a lot with others, especially with those that really live this way of life in real time, and by that I mean that they are experiencing a lot of this offline out in the world at munches, play parties, or small private gatherings.

Immerse yourself in the learning of it all. As you do, and as you gather aquaintances, (some of which may become friends), you'll catch on quick and begin to discover what it is that you seek and who can best bring that to you. Out of these people will eventually rise a few that you can trust who will actually take you under their wing and mentor you.

More than anything, and I can't say this strongly enough:
Be careful. Be safe. Go slow.

Most of the "Doms" on personal sites are married or otherwise "involved." If you desire that, great; if you don't, do your due dilligence and check them out before you get physically or emotionally involved. Always make your first few meetings public without exception. Arrange for someone to know your whereabouts and stay in touch with them during your meetings with initial strangers. Never play on the first few meetings. No exceptions.

Never compromise your safety.
Don't rush into anything. Rushing is for fools and is dangerous.
Now sit back, watch, relax..and have fun!

(in reply to creatrix)

Post #: 9

RE: Finding a Dom/Master? hints and tips PLEASE? - 1/8/2008 9:04:38 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

I think it helps if you know what you want out of a D/s relationship.
What are your wants, needs, desires...and to be able to communicate them.

(in reply to ksub4u)

Post #: 10

RE: Finding a Dom/Master? hints and tips PLEASE? - 1/8/2008 9:26:24 PM

littlebitxxx

Posts: 732
Status: offline

Talk, chat, 'date', get to know one another. If you seem compatible, go with your gut or intuition or whatever. Pretty much what you would do in a nilla relationship.

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 11

RE: Finding a Dom/Master? hints and tips PLEASE? - 1/8/2008 9:52:32 PM

takenbyjohnr07

Posts: 787
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Actually, you sound like a very level headed intelligent woman. any Dominant would be lucky to have you. i think you're going to be just fine.

_____________________________

i am the sole property of Johnr. He is the love of my life and the greatest Owner and i will live to serve and, please him only every day of my life.

(in reply to creatrix)

Post #: 12

RE: Finding a Dom/Master? hints and tips PLEASE? - 1/8/2008 9:55:00 PM

Honsoku

Posts: 422
Joined: 6/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: creatrix

Hi!

After some of the things I have seen here recently, someone being stalked, sub-drop, communication, hard limits, etc, is it "kosher" to get a "resume" of sorts before resorting to begining a relationship with a Dom/Master type person?... I know I probably sound stupid, no, I really sound extremely vanilla, but I really don't want to fall prey to a Ted Bundy type either.

A resumé is only as good as the paper it's written on. It can be useful in filtering out the really bad liars, but you should be able to do that anyway if you pay attention. Consider that experience does not equal good and inexperience does not equal bad.

quote:

I mean, how is this done? Do we just throw it out there? I see there are others searching for a Dom/Master also so what is protocol? Should I have a specific set of questions, is there a "method"? How do we know we can trust someone? I only ever did this once... but want to continue... but I really don't want to be hurt or anything... I believe it is definately alright, no matter whether I am a top, bottom, Dom, Master, sub, slave, switch... that I am happy... that I feel safe... that I do what is best for me. **(I had a Dom try to tell me to not ask questions (another site), but to take my place as a sub... I told him to fuck off and that I wasn't his...)**

The protocol is: "use good judgment". Really, there is no substitution for that. There will holes, exceptions, and problems with every single set of rules or guidelines given.

In order to get what you want, you have to risk being hurt. That is the way relationships go. There is no magic solution. That said, there is some good general advice;

Take it slow.

If you wouldn't click without the bdsm, the relationship probably won't last.

If it seems to be too good to be true, it probably is.

Don't be afraid to get an objective second opinion.

Don't be afraid to make first contact with someone that interests you. This is what I think is one of most women's greatest handicaps when dealing with online dating. They are socially trained and expected to be passive and shy in that regard. While this can be tolerable in a social setting, this does not work well on the internet where there are thousands of others keeping him from seeing YOU. Consider that the men who have the hardest time finding a woman are also likely to be the most aggressive in contacting women, so the majority of people contacting you will be low quality. This means you will have a horrible signal to noise ratio in your inbox, increasing the odds that you will overlook good ones because you are already prejudiced into expecting the contact to be a waste of time. It is much easier to find the needles if you burn off the hay.

quote:

Regardless, until an agreement has been made, correct me if I am wrong, I do not sub/slave... is that correct?

Not sure what you mean here. If by that you aren't his submissive or slave until you agree to be, that is correct.

Honsoku

(in reply to creatrix)

Post #: 13

RE: Finding a Dom/Master? hints and tips PLEASE? - 1/9/2008 4:15:16 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Communication is the key. So write me so we can communicate.

(in reply to Honsoku)

Post #: 14

RE: Finding a Dom/Master? hints and tips PLEASE? - 1/9/2008 4:44:00 AM

darkpassenger434

Posts: 138
Joined: 1/1/2008
Status: offline

I don't know about a resume per se, but I certainly wouldn't mind answering any questions a potential sub or slave had about my person or experience. I would also insist on standard safety measures with any meeting. A potential wouldn't have to ask for the first meet to be public or non-lifestyle in nature, that would be exactly my will in the matter. A sub that doesn't ask question or give input would lose major points with me, one that did would get a fair look, one that did so respectfully would gain major consideration from me. Just my thoughts on the matter.
-R

PS - A related question. I know that flaming and personal attacks is not kosher on here. Is it within the rules of CM to post a forum requesting information on others experiences with a specific person? or that they please contact you privately to give information?

< Message edited by darkpassenger434 -- 1/9/2008 4:46:23 AM >

_____________________________

"The man who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the man doing it."

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 15

RE: Finding a Dom/Master? hints and tips PLEASE? - 1/9/2008 4:48:38 AM

Wiseprotector

Posts: 18
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Consider getting out and socializing with other folks who are into BDSM. If you to a search Munches BDSM you'll find some. If there aren't any in your area, start one.

A munch is just a social,usually in a restaurant. A way to meet publicly in a vanilla environment. No protocal other than normal social graces, you get to see people as they are. I've been able to start munches where ever I've lived and met lots of people that way. Seeing someone in a social environment, seeing how they interact with others, treat the wait staff, etc gives you some clues to what a person is really like.

You'll create a network of friends and acquaintences. Some of them will watch your back, be a sounding board, and be a network of support and introductions.

WiseProtector and His lilminx

< Message edited by Wiseprotector -- 1/9/2008 4:49:45 AM >

(in reply to creatrix)

Post #: 16

RE: Finding a Dom/Master? hints and tips PLEASE? - 1/9/2008 4:59:09 AM

sweetNsmartBBW

Posts: 167
Joined: 5/16/2007
Status: offline

I'd have to agree with all the advice given so far. Remember, at the heart of a D/s relationship there are two (or more *s*) people- so use the same guidelines you would in the world at large. While I love talking D/s with a persepective dominant, those that are not interested in anything beyond that set off alarm bells for me. If I was looking only for a play partner, that might be different. But, I want somebody that is interested in me as a ~person~, first and foremost. And, I approach it the same way. Compatibility, on all levels, is important to me- and I could never see myself with a dom that I would not want as my friend, a man I'd both respect and trust without the D/s stuff...

Communication, going slow, taking the time to really get to know each other before rushing into anything- all of that helps immensely. Red flags, for me, have always been dom's that won't answer your questions, are evasive, are ~only~ interested in you for sex, or who just give you that 'something's-off-here-but-I-don't-know-what' feeling. Your gut can really play an important role in all this- I have ignored mine a time or two, and it's always proved right. I could have saved myself a lot of time and heartache if I'd just paid more attention to my intuition.

< Message edited by sweetNsmartBBW -- 1/9/2008 5:00:11 AM >

_____________________________

There are two kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip away another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked. Yaldah Tova

(in reply to darkpassenger434)

Post #: 17

RE: Finding a Dom/Master? hints and tips PLEASE? - 1/9/2008 5:04:56 AM

ksub4u

Posts: 124
Joined: 11/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkpassenger434

PS - A related question. I know that flaming and personal attacks is not kosher on here. Is it within the rules of CM to post a forum requesting information on others experiences with a specific person? or that they please contact you privately to give information?

R - Off topic, but I believe this is against TOS on the boards.

(in reply to darkpassenger434)

Post #: 18

RE: Finding a Dom/Master? hints and tips PLEASE? - 1/9/2008 5:19:14 AM

Mefistofele59

Posts: 1
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

This is a really good question and one often asked by new people. I'm a bit old fashioned in that I believe ownership encompasees everything and has no limits. Consider my reply in that vein.

Use common sense. Think : how can a man hope to own another human being without first being in total control of himself? Get to know someone as a person and as a man first. How do they live their lives? Are they impeccable with their word? Are they respected by their peers? Are they employed, emotionally and financially stable? How compatible are you intellectually, spiritually, politically and otherwise? If appropriate, do you have the same thoughts about child rearing? Does he have his life in order?

Once you've established that there is common ground above-THEN look at M/s. Are you compatible in your thoughts about a Master/slave relationship? Is he quick to anger or prone to violence? Is your play style compatible? For example, a masochist likely would not do well with a 'sensual' dominant. Ask for and check references. Anyone and I mean ANYONE that has been around the BDSM lifestyle for any length of time will have references. They will know at least a few people that can vouch for them. If anyone says they cannot give valid, real life references for any reason-run...don't walk. Beware of anyone who even talks about a collar or ownership within the first month or two. That being said, once you have both determined that you are fully compatible and ownership is established, I don't believe in SSC or limits-that's why choosing carefully is critical.

A group I belong to is working on a website that will answer just these type of questions and provide a listing of dominants who have been vetted and are known to their peers. We're trying to start a movement to help newbies safely tread water until they get their bearings. Good luck.

Rocco

(in reply to creatrix)

Post #: 19

RE: Finding a Dom/Master? hints and tips PLEASE? - 1/9/2008 6:04:20 AM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkpassenger434

PS - A related question. I know that flaming and personal attacks is not kosher on here. Is it within the rules of CM to post a forum requesting information on others experiences with a specific person? or that they please contact you privately to give information?

It seems to me flaming is allowed. personal attacks will get you slapped down by the Mods. And why would you believe what a stranger told you about another stranger? See the "why we don't allow blacklists: at the top off the forum menu

Jeff

(in reply to darkpassenger434)

Post #: 20

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