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Difficult Finding A Domme - 1/10/2008 9:37:58 AM

subbiepaulr

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/10/2008
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why is it so difficult for a male slave to find a Domme? It seems that they want you to relocate to them or they are looking for a female instead of a male.

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RE: Difficult Finding A Domme - 1/10/2008 10:31:30 AM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
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mmm...I gotta say this topic comes up at least once a week. Why don't you go learn the site a bite more and use the search feature.

BTW...unless you want someone to bitch to you about why you won't see a man...don't bitch about women seeking other women

(in reply to subbiepaulr)

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RE: Difficult Finding A Domme - 1/10/2008 11:38:55 AM

KnOcala

Posts: 260
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline

get out there and network. go to fetish fairs, munches, boards.
keep looking. No domme will read your message that you can't find a domme without thinking you are whining at not making enough effort.
make your profile exciting, stimulating and reprent a you they would want to meet. List your skills, talents. What makes you so special. What cn you offer a domme. Are you a master chef? gardener? carpenter? Are you a gainfully employed without baggage? Are you looking for a monogamous relationship with a domme or casual playmate?
Be intelligent in your messages and look to make friends with everyone. Don't go door to door trying to give yourself away. Meet People and have good strong nosexual communication. They can read your profile, the know what you are looking for so don't bang on everydoor saying male sub looking for a domme. Show them you are a real person first. Never say you are looking, searching, hunting, desperate (all sound the same).
and nothing but vanilla pics!!!!! If anyone wants to see more they will tell you. And sure you might not hit it off with someone, they might be in a relationship, or any other situation where you will not have a m/s relationship. You can still be a friend, and one day that friend may know someone that you would make a good fit for.
Look for friends and not a domme.

(in reply to BoiJen)

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RE: Difficult Finding A Domme - 1/10/2008 11:42:41 AM

MistressDelilah1

Posts: 26
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Hollywood, Florida
Status: offline

What are you writing to these dommes? The worst for me are the messages that are copied and pasted. When you write a message try to mention something you have in commom to show you actually read her profile. Good luck.

(in reply to KnOcala)

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RE: Difficult Finding A Domme - 1/10/2008 4:49:49 PM

wankerforuse

Posts: 98
Joined: 7/21/2007
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Pateince is a virtue all good things come to those who wait.

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RE: Difficult Finding A Domme - 1/10/2008 5:00:01 PM

Tantriqu

Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
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What a coincidence! I'm looking for a str8 local sub, and I all I seem to see are on another continent or bi-.
But as has been said above, I don't go to a sub site and complain: that's SOOOO vanilla.
Fortunately or unfortunately, there's no bandana code to find each other, and they're not going to be dressed like a teenager's porn dream, either. Dommes volunteer, take classes, and work out. A great way is find the person at work, school or a queue who laughs at the same thing you do and if they make eye contact with you, shazaam! a compatible dominant.

No one likes a sulky pup who gives up easily. Keep your chin up and your tail wagging, and you'll be collared before you know it!

Good luck.

(in reply to wankerforuse)

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RE: Difficult Finding A Domme - 1/10/2008 5:02:42 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
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He joined today and he's already bitching?

I can see this going well.

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RE: Difficult Finding A Domme - 1/10/2008 5:26:49 PM

Mizziness

Posts: 34
Joined: 8/2/2007
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Most Dom/mes who are actively looking for a submissive want someone who will relocate, yes, especially those looking for a TPE or a 24/7 live-in. But not ALL of them do. And I don't think that anyone who would want you to relocate right away would be a good person to go to, anyway.

You also need to remember that there are far more subs than there are Dom/mes, so Dom/mes can afford to be picky. Make sure you have a good, fleshed out profile, and make contact in an accepted, non-copy/paste way.

< Message edited by Mizziness -- 1/10/2008 5:27:41 PM >

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RE: Difficult Finding A Domme - 1/10/2008 5:45:59 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen
BTW...unless you want someone to bitch to you about why you won't see a man...don't bitch about women seeking other women

You... you mean... you've heard a guy complain about that before too?

(in reply to BoiJen)

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RE: Difficult Finding A Domme - 1/10/2008 7:46:03 PM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subbiepaulr

why is it so difficult for a male slave to find a Domme? It seems that they want you to relocate to them or they are looking for a female instead of a male.

Seriously, you've been on the site not even 24 hours. Relax.

_____________________________

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Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to subbiepaulr)

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RE: Difficult Finding A Domme - 1/10/2008 9:04:05 PM

Mirko

Posts: 17
Joined: 12/12/2006
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Basic Guide
-Dont talk about sex-related issues, if you actually do get into a relationship, you'll have an opportunity to discuss this
-Write your perspective on her profile (you were READING her profile?)
-Keep it short (2 paragraphs max.)
-Don't brag
-Show your sense of humor
-Don't talk about things youre not interested in

(in reply to MisPandora)

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RE: Difficult Finding A Domme - 1/10/2008 10:23:42 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
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Mizziness,

quote:

You also need to remember that there are far more subs than there are Dom/mes, so Dom/mes can afford to be picky. Make sure you have a good, fleshed out profile, and make contact in an accepted, non-copy/paste way.

I realize your post is well intentioned, however, I'm going to comment on a commonly held belief that is misleading. Regarding having a fleshed out profile, I couldn't agree more. It's the supply versus demand manifesto that got my attention. In terms of raw numbers, sure, there are probably many more submissives than dominants - especially in the femdom/malesub arena. When one starts looking for quality, compatible partners though, it's hard to find partners regardless of whether you're dominant, switch, or submissive. I think the whole "dommes can afford to be choosey" attitude is really counter-productive.

All my domme friends have a difficult time finding quality submissives. When I go to a munch, the number of dommes often considerably outnumbers the submissives. Conversely, as a submissive myself, I'll attest to the fact that it is difficult to find compatible domme partners. The number of available dommes isn't a problem. Where I live, there are lots of dommes at events and at kinky dating sites online. The problem is in finding someone compatible with me. Excepting the kinky stuff, really, this isn't much different from vanilla dating in that mental and physical attraction must be present, body language must work, goals need to be compatible, etc. Given that subbiepaulr lives in California (which has a considerable population of kinky people, many of whom are dommes), I'd be surprised if supply is a problem.

Kinky people intrinsically look for very specific things in their partners. It's tough enough finding a partner in the vanilla world, but when you add in kinky criteria, dating becomes more complex and the number of potential, compatible, candidates tapers off drastically. I really don't think this has much to do with whether one is male or female.

Whether I'm right or wrong about the numbers, I can say the following for certain. Dommes who present themselves with a supply versus demand, "I can afford to be choosey" attitude are a complete turn-off. Anyone who writes this in their profile or who lays this kind of line on me in person immediately consigns themselves to the discard bin. Likewise, submissives who spout the "poor me, there are so few dommes" bit are also a turn-off. None of the dommes I know find this attitude attractive.

In my experience, regardless of whether you're dominant, switch, or submissive, the best approach to finding a kinky partner is to present yourself as an intelligent, compassionate, well rounded person. Be confident in who you are, share what makes you unique, demonstrate a sense of humor, and communicate honestly. When writing a profile, describe yourself in some depth and make sure the grammar and spelling are correct. Including an attractive photo of yourself is also a good idea. By "attractive photo", I mean a picture that brings out your features as opposed to one where the lighting is dim and you're staring at the ground. On the Internet (and particularly on kinky dating sites), as odd as this sounds, doing these things will make you stand out considerably from the crowd.

Elan.

< Message edited by ElanSubdued -- 1/10/2008 10:26:43 PM >

(in reply to Mizziness)

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RE: Difficult Finding A Domme - 1/10/2008 10:39:35 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

Subbiepaulr,

Welcome to Collar Me.

I read your profile and you're off to a reasonable start. If I may respectfully suggest, here are a few edits that are likely to increase your response rate:

- Remove this line: "I am not here to cyber or for long emails."

- Add more details about yourself (goals, hobbies and passions, etc.).

- Modify this line: "If you are a serious Domme and want a trusting, dependable, obedient slave then leave me a message." Keep the descriptions about yourself (trusting, dependable, etc.), but remove the "If you are a serious Domme... then leave me a message" part. If a domme is interested in you, she'll leave a message, you don't need to command her to do so.

- Add a picture of yourself

I'd advise keeping negativity out of your profile. This is why I suggested removing and modifying a few things. Overall, your profile is on the right track, but it's lacking detail and thus feels generic. Add some personal details about yourself, show some of your personality, and you'll do fine.

Once again, welcome aboard, :-)

Elan.

< Message edited by ElanSubdued -- 1/10/2008 10:40:44 PM >

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RE: Difficult Finding A Domme - 1/11/2008 10:30:48 AM

faerytattoodgirl

Posts: 5824
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mirko

Basic Guide
-Dont talk about sex-related issues, if you actually do get into a relationship, you'll have an opportunity to discuss this
-Write your perspective on her profile (you were READING her profile?)
-Keep it short (2 paragraphs max.)
-Don't brag
-Show your sense of humor
-Don't talk about things youre not interested in

-Dont forget to have your wallet wide open..many of the Dommes on here are tribute or pro dommes who want your money or your car or your house.

not that there's anything wrong with it...im just warning him

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RE: Difficult Finding A Domme - 1/11/2008 11:31:16 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Not especially in reply to the OP. I've done that a number of times, and all of those can be found by using the search feature as boijen suggested.

Mizziness, I'm actually going to disagree with some of what you said. There are quite a number of Us out there who have a distaste for the whole relocation angle. No offense to anyone intended, but I'm not wanting to go through all of the phases of a LDR, to even get to the point where relocation is necessary. When I was looking, I pretty much kept My scope to what I considered driving distance. Not to be mistaken with the random comment of saying something to the effect of it being a shame that a particular person isn't local.

Elan, I want you to know that the comments that you made were well thought out and appreciated. I often wonder if there some out there who realize how so many of these things come into play. However the numbers stack, the truth of the matter is that not everyone is for everybody else. Just because I happen to like inflicting pain, and someone enjoys receiving it, doesn't automatically make a match. That's just a part of who I am. There are a lot of other things in My world. It would be foolish to think otherwise.

Oh, and at the risk of sounding a bit over the top, those things that you mentioned as being seen as unattractive, are right on the money.

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(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)

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RE: Difficult Finding A Domme - 1/11/2008 3:12:28 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

quote:

Mirko:
Basic Guide
-Don't talk about sex-related issues, if you actually do get into a relationship, you'll have an opportunity to discuss this
-Write your perspective on her profile (you were READING her profile?)
-Keep it short (2 paragraphs max.)
-Don't brag
-Show your sense of humor
-Don't talk about things you're not interested in

faerytattoodgirl:
Don't forget to have your wallet wide open... many of the Dommes on here are tribute or pro dommes who want your money or your car or your house. Not that there's anything wrong with it... I'm just warning him. :-)

I wasn't going to touch Faerytattoodgirl's comment for fear of starting this thread's rapid decline. However, on second thought, I think I can offer useful feedback while maintaining civility.

Mirko, in my opinion, gave good advice. Essentially Mirko recommends people avoid initial sexual chatter, show their personality, and demonstrate having made more than a cursory glance of the profile they're responding to. When I read dating correspondence, these are many of the things I look for. If it's obvious someone hasn't read my profile (ahem... my present, placeholder profile withstanding :-), this is an instant turn-off. Likewise, someone who approaches with a lot of BDSM and sex talk makes me feel they're not actually interested in me, but rather in having their fantasies fulfilled. In essence, this is part of what I meant when I wrote "present yourself as an intelligent, compassionate, well rounded person".

Regarding professional dommes and/or dommes who require tributes, what kinky people look for is as broad as the people themselves. Some kinksters look for platonic friendship only, others look for romantic relationships, some are monogamous while others are ployamorous, some offer professional services, and some desire professional services. Of course, people, being the complex creatures that humans are, often fit into more than one category.

As a submissive, if you're looking to explore kinky, non-sexual play and don't want the demands of dating, a professional domme fulfills this need. I say "non-sexual play" because it isn't often professional dommes offer any kind of sex - impact play, role play, and many other kinky things yes, but not sex in the traditional, coital, oral/vaginal/anal or exchanging body fluids sense. When you go to a professional, like any other business, you pay. This seems pretty straightforward.

If romantic dating is what you're interested in, just skip profiles that only offer professional services. This is what I do. As soon as I see "pro-domme looking for..." or "tribute required", I skip to the next profile. These people aren't offering what I'm searching for. There is no need to get worked up over this. Imagine what it would be like reading the telephone directory if one went into conniptions simply because they found ads they were not interested in! Some non-professional dommes use tributes as a way to filter out riff-raff. (i.e. riff-raff = online players who never have any intention of following through.) Personally, I find this type of filtering mechanism a turn-off. Thus, even if a domme is looking for the same things I am, if she requires tribute to engage in conversation, I skip to the next profile.

I'm reticent to make this next comment so I'll do so quickly. There is a class of would-be dommes who simply want to extract money from people. These people do indeed want your money, car, house, and anything else they can manipulate from you. The tip-off is that these people are never up front about their services and fees. Do not mistake such a person as a professional domme. Con artists are everywhere and indeed Collar Me isn't exempt.

When searching for a kinky partner, it comes down to knowing yourself and being confident about what you want. If someone offers something you're not looking for, there is no need to get worked up or to take this as some kind of personal assault. If it's a profile you're reading, just skip to the next. If it's correspondence, a polite "no thank you" or no reply at all usually does the trick. Concentrate on those offering what you're looking for as opposed to those offering something else.

Elan.

(in reply to subbiepaulr)

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RE: Difficult Finding A Domme - 1/11/2008 3:30:49 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

LadyPact,

quote:

Elan, I want you to know that the comments that you made were well thought out and appreciated. I often wonder if there some out there who realize how so many of these things come into play. However the numbers stack, the truth of the matter is that not everyone is for everybody else. Just because I happen to like inflicting pain, and someone enjoys receiving it, doesn't automatically make a match. That's just a part of who I am. There are a lot of other things in My world. It would be foolish to think otherwise.

Oh, and at the risk of sounding a bit over the top, those things that you mentioned as being seen as unattractive, are right on the money.

Thanks for taking time to comment on my post. I appreciate your thoughts and kind words. With all the kinky play that gets debated, thrown, and tussled around, it's easy to get caught up in it. Over the last few years, my biggest discovery has been that much of what I'm looking for in a dominant, romantic partner partner has little to do with BDSM and a whole lot to do with quality of personage and general, human compatibility. Sometimes the obvious is *so obvious* that it eludes us. :-)

Elan.

< Message edited by ElanSubdued -- 1/11/2008 3:38:11 PM >

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RE: Difficult Finding A Domme - 1/11/2008 3:43:22 PM

MistressDollys

Posts: 47
Joined: 1/8/2008
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I would say keep posting here in the forums/let ppls know what your like, get out to muches, don't actively look ...let it happen and know what your looking for. I'm in my early 30s and have been interested in the lifestyle for a while now and have been looking for dommes for too long, and what i realized is that it is not just a domme that i sought. Fair enough a little scene play can be fun and can satisfy some needs and desires but it never lasts long. After having a few sessions i realised that there wasn't anything more to it, no fire or depth, which was what i was really looking for. It takes a long time to find a domme "Woman" that has a good heart, spirit, and mind. One that proves her worth by being a trustworthy person. Just be honest regarding what you want. Most good things take a long time.

< Message edited by MistressDollys -- 1/11/2008 3:47:25 PM >

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RE: Difficult Finding A Domme - 1/11/2008 5:39:01 PM

MsCfromMelbourne

Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
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Did you try the search function and choose the State of California in the US?

I just did and there must be 100s of Dommes looking for submissive men who must be local. Use search.

Did you join collarme wanting instant gratification.....for free? I am really sorry but it does not seem to work that way ....erm..... unless you have a thick mane of luscious long dark hair and look like a movie star, in which case, slap up a photo of yourself QUICK!!!!

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RE: Difficult Finding A Domme - 4/4/2008 2:55:47 AM

Guest

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

mmm...I gotta say this topic comes up at least once a week. Why don't you go learn the site a bite more and use the search feature.

BTW...unless you want someone to bitch to you about why you won't see a man...don't bitch about women seeking other women

LMFAO! Its all good to each their own!

(in reply to BoiJen)

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