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Submissive wife/Nondominant husband... - 1/10/2008 10:25:54 AM

bbwinfl62

Posts: 1
Joined: 1/10/2008
Status: offline

I have been married for some years now and realized something was always missing until I realized it was my great desire to be dominated. My husband says he likes the idea of me being submissive, but doesnt really want to put any of the work into it as a dominant such as guidelines/rules/punishments/corrective behavior - leaves me doing all the work with no reward or someone to push me to greater accomplishments - I feel such a loneliness and need for such a relationship! Ive tried talking humbly with my husband, sending emails, but he just might give me a swat on the butt and say he wants to continue the relationship, but then...nothing...What can I do? Is there some way to definitely see if he is really interested or just wants the rewards? What about my needs? Again, talking hasnt helped - is there anything else i can try or is there something i am doing wrong or out of order?

Post #: 1

RE: Submissive wife/Nondominant husband... - 1/10/2008 10:44:52 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

fl62,
Evaluate the desire honestly. Is it a fantasy or a life you seek? The process of answering that question will require deep, personal, introspection. What you find there may scare you. Coming out you have to evaluate how what you now know about yourself fits into the other aspects of your life. The final step is prioritizing. Trusting yourself and being confident in what you now know will bring you the strength to make decisions that may not be welcome to those currently around your life.

You can't use anyone else's answers. There is no short cut. The answer to the question; "what do I do" is already in you; you just have to be comfortable exposing it to yourself and others. It is not easy. Maybe it shouldn't be easy. You have to get to a point of having absolute trust in yourself. I think it is a requirement before putting your trust in another.

You can't change what a person is at their core. Dominance and submission, beyond the sensations, is emotion and mentally based. A 'swat on the butt' may be the sensation you desire, but if the person applying it lacks the ability to experience the emotional and mental impact of the hand's impact; what you are seeking will not be found in those hands.

Good luck!

(in reply to bbwinfl62)

Post #: 2

RE: Submissive wife/Nondominant husband... - 1/10/2008 10:52:24 AM

backseatbebe

Posts: 195
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

you need to deicide if the waves you want to create in your realtion will be worth the "reward" of having bdsm in your lives
because even if youre husband might be interested in bdsm, he might not be interested in the same fetishes you desire
so it might involve looking for it outside of the relationship (of course having communication, honesty, and trust involved, which might sound easy isnt)
though from my experince guiding a vanilla male into a dom takes all the fun out of being the sub

< Message edited by backseatbebe -- 1/10/2008 10:53:32 AM >

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 3

RE: Submissive wife/Nondominant husband... - 1/10/2008 10:58:15 AM

takenbyjohnr07

Posts: 787
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

www.takeninhand.com This is the most beautiful site for couples that i know of. It opens the doors to being in a Dominant relationship gently without shoving you through the door. i think it would be perfect for the two of you.

It's all done normally as a way of every day living and not just as a kink. Maybe you can get some good ideas and or comfort. i know i did. i wish you the best of luck. i know what you're going through. i was there once.

_____________________________

i am the sole property of Johnr. He is the love of my life and the greatest Owner and i will live to serve and, please him only every day of my life.

(in reply to backseatbebe)

Post #: 4

RE: Submissive wife/Nondominant husband... - 1/10/2008 11:08:00 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I guess I do not understand this. Kink is great and I love it. But for me being submissive is not kink, it is the way I interact with someone who inspires it from me. I can be submissive without sex, without spanking, without discipline, without reward because it is who I am within an important relationship.
This is not always a good thing. Even though I am determined not to play with my ex, and have decided it is time to look elsewhere.. I am still submissive to him. It is something I cannot stop, even though we are long passed.
I do not understand why you cannot be submissive even when your partner does not impose rules. I make my own rules. I control myself so that I can express my submissive nature in a way which does not need reward. I do it, because it is me.
Perhaps your husband will never be the dominant you wish. But if you think of being submissive as more than a kinky desire, you can always be sub.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to bbwinfl62)

Post #: 5

RE: Submissive wife/Nondominant husband... - 1/10/2008 11:33:15 AM

kinkypuppy2

Posts: 345
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline

Have you both thought of seeking a Domanant couple ?

_____________________________

See nic "Kinkypupper" also as "slvseeker" As I cannot reply to any posts or log into collarchat under that name I had to create this profile.

(in reply to bbwinfl62)

Post #: 6

RE: Submissive wife/Nondominant husband... - 1/10/2008 1:54:45 PM

Dslesbians

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/17/2007
Status: offline

I feel so bad for you. I too am very subbmissive. My Wife is not dominate at all. She tries and is learning, but I relize that with time, if you can have a little play here and there, it will work if your in love with him. He will learn, but you have to find a common ground to battle on. Find out what makes him tick. If he likes the milk on the top shelf, give that to him, and thank him for his direction. Find ways to communicate in everyday life, that no one eles would understand, it will be fun for him, and a great feeling for you.

(in reply to kinkypuppy2)

Post #: 7

RE: Submissive wife/Nondominant husband... - 1/10/2008 3:20:59 PM

RoughFN

Posts: 197
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline

I gotta say that if he's just not interested in being dominant, you're not going to be able to make him do it. Sure, maybe some subtle cues or routine may help, but I'm reasonably sure that it'll be more for your benefit and not for his. So you get to act submissive and think you're being dominated, but he won't have a clue.

If he's interested, talk to him about it. Long and hard and in detail. Sit down and rattle off the things that you want to try. You can talk about things to whatever extreme degree you want (so long as you don't think he'll wig out about it), but start slowly. It'd be tough to jump from normal married life to full on M/s overnight. I'm reminded of the onion article about the guy who recently came out of the closet and has gone completely overboard in announcing to everyone that he's gay. Don't do that.

Coax him along for a little bit. You want this, he doesn't. So encourage him actively. He'll either get the hang of it and decide it's for him or he won't and you're stuck.

At that point, you'd need to re-evaluate how badly you need it, whether you want to stay with him, or if an open relationship would work for you two.

If he's open to it, you may have luck, but if he's just not wired that way no amount of coaxing or prompting will help.

(in reply to Dslesbians)

Post #: 8

RE: Submissive wife/Nondominant husband... - 1/10/2008 8:40:19 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

Is this what they mean by "You can't have your cake and eat it too?"

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to bbwinfl62)

Post #: 9

RE: Submissive wife/Nondominant husband... - 1/10/2008 9:04:36 PM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

I also have had that "somethings missing" thing going on for years.....It didn't smack me in the face until the kids started to leave home though.(have 3, youngest 22 is still home) My husband couldn;t be less intrested in having a "D" type/ "s" type relationship. We discussed it, and my husband agreed to allow me to go find that kind of relationship. So I did.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Post #: 10

RE: Submissive wife/Nondominant husband... - 1/10/2008 9:13:03 PM

astarri

Posts: 265
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

You can't change what a person is at their core. Dominance and submission, beyond the sensations, is emotion and mentally based. A 'swat on the butt' may be the sensation you desire, but if the person applying it lacks the ability to experience the emotional and mental impact of the hand's impact; what you are seeking will not be found in those hands.

Very true and worth another read.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 11

RE: Submissive wife/Nondominant husband... - 1/11/2008 1:58:52 AM

beltainefaerie

Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline

My husband isn't dominant either. After about 5 years of being unfulfilled submissively, an opportunity arose for me to play with a friend of ours and my husand agreed. Since then I have found my Master and I am so much more calm and loving in all aspects of my life. My husband will sometimes even realize if schedules haven't worked out for me to see my Master in a couple weeks and suggest that I need to find that time for myself. (I can get a little stir crazy whennot being beaten) It works really well for us.

(in reply to astarri)

Post #: 12

RE: Submissive wife/Nondominant husband... - 1/11/2008 5:02:15 AM

Sabella

Posts: 265
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline

If you're both completely green you may want to stock up on some books - there is an excellent book list floating around here somewhere? He may be genuinely interested but have no idea of what to do based on your current years of being together. Hard to change old behaviors.

The ones I have (top of head)
The Topping Book
The Bottoming Book
SM 101
Screw the roses, send me the thorns

*blank look* several others but they are not where I can lay hands on them right at this moment.

Don't forget the power of positive reinforcement *G* Yes some would say it's topping from the bottom but nothing wrong with ANYTIME he does or says something that is in a more "domly" manner mention it later and how much you loved it. Since this is new you can both train each other, that's ok. Because it sounds to me like the conversation has been "I want to be a submissive!" "I like that idea! Now what?!"

_____________________________

“The giant Grof was hit in one eye by a stone,
and that eye turned inward so that it looked into his mind and he died of what he saw there.”
From The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, by Patricia A. McKillip

(in reply to beltainefaerie)

Post #: 13

RE: Submissive wife/Nondominant husband... - 1/11/2008 7:09:38 PM

angelslave77

Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

ok I am going to take the all or nothing view here. My ex was not dominant at all he would not even discuss it, I tried suggesting little bits of kink but got cut down everytime. So bassically I had to make the choice, do I spend the rest of my life denying who I am or do I gather up my courage and leave. Let me add I have four very young UM's so this was by no means an easy choice, but I was depressed and everyday I was losing myself more and more, because for me being submissive isnt a kink it is who I am.

Since leaving I have found the most incredible Sir who is everything I have every wanted in both the nilla parts of my life and the BDSM areas. Now I realise for me it was all or nothing where as others have been able to achieve the same end by seeking a poly lifestyle, but poly just wasnt for me.

But like someone else said you need to decide if this is a kinky fantasy or if it is who you really are.

(in reply to Sabella)

Post #: 14

RE: Submissive wife/Nondominant husband... - 1/15/2008 8:39:26 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Have you discussed with him the meanings of the words Top, bottom, Dominant and submissive with him...meaning you BOTH give your interpretations? Perhaps he's thinking you want an ocassional Top while you are really wanting a full-time Dominant. Stil down and write out what it is that you want. Then share.

But, as others have said, if he isn't interested in it, that's unlikely to change. You'll then have to decide how important it is to you and act upon that. Of course, I don't recommend acting without talking to him about it first.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to bbwinfl62)

Post #: 15

RE: Submissive wife/Nondominant husband... - 1/19/2008 9:06:14 AM

luv4softbutch

Posts: 35
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline

Yep Yep I totally agree with you! I've been trying for over 10 years off and on but my mate just doesn't get it. I have been spoiled by a firm awesome partner when I was single again and I can't find it anywhere else. I was in a short 24/7 sub- Dom relationship. I almost had it all. At least 98%.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RoughFN

I gotta say that if he's just not interested in being dominant, you're not going to be able to make him do it. Sure, maybe some subtle cues or routine may help, but I'm reasonably sure that it'll be more for your benefit and not for his. So you get to act submissive and think you're being dominated, but he won't have a clue.

If he's interested, talk to him about it. Long and hard and in detail. Sit down and rattle off the things that you want to try. You can talk about things to whatever extreme degree you want (so long as you don't think he'll wig out about it), but start slowly. It'd be tough to jump from normal married life to full on M/s overnight. I'm reminded of the onion article about the guy who recently came out of the closet and has gone completely overboard in announcing to everyone that he's gay. Don't do that.

Coax him along for a little bit. You want this, he doesn't. So encourage him actively. He'll either get the hang of it and decide it's for him or he won't and you're stuck.

At that point, you'd need to re-evaluate how badly you need it, whether you want to stay with him, or if an open relationship would work for you two.

If he's open to it, you may have luck, but if he's just not wired that way no amount of coaxing or prompting will help.

_____________________________

"SUBMISSION IS A WONDERFUL GIFT TO BE GIVEN.... MY DESIRE TO SUBMIT IS MY ADDICTION, MY ABILITY TO SUBMIT IS MY STRENGTH, MY FREEDOM TO SUBMIT IS MY POWER AND MY CHOICE TO SUBMIT IS MY WISDOM."

(in reply to RoughFN)

Post #: 16

RE: Submissive wife/Nondominant husband... - 1/19/2008 4:53:52 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

OK, so you went into this marriage vanilla, and now you've changed. And he hasn't. Sounds pretty straightforward, an nothing to do with BDSM. You're in a relationship, you want to change the agreement the two of you have, you need to negotiate, and if you can agree see if it will work. I think you are upping the ante a bit by trying to change your partner. That is really hard, and I think statistically rarely happens. People change because of a need they have, not because of a need their partner has.

If you want to continue together (since you have changed, you need to see if that's worth it), you'll need to find an fulfilment for your needs. To assume that just because he is your husband, he has to cater for all the needs that come along, is, I think, folly. I am sure you can think of possible solutions, see if they're viable - but again, if you'd like your relationship to be happy and continue (and there is no law that says you must), don't try to change your partner. It is unfair on him.

(in reply to bbwinfl62)

Post #: 17

RE: Submissive wife/Nondominant husband... - 1/19/2008 10:51:40 PM

CapnSpankins

Posts: 20
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline

There is a lot of information that would be helpful to know in trying to give you advice here.

Have you and your husband ever watched any kind of porn together? If so, have you ever tried to get him to watch some of the more "mainstream" D/s or kinky stuff to see if he could start to eroticize a power exchange in his own fantasies?

Without a doubt, you'll never be able to make him be something he isn't. However, for some people, the "Dom gene" is present but he may not be aware of it yet. Or you may discover that he likes some aspects but not others.

A guy who is lazy about romance and his sex life with his wife is nothing new. Believe me, I've been that guy before. But never for too long! I guess that's partly why I'm still happily married.

I really thing the best way to gauge the potential for him to start SLOWLY exploring D/s is to try the porn route, have some good ol' fashioned sex afterwards and then talk to him the next day about what parts of the movie he found to be a turn on. If watching girls get tied up and lightly paddled does it - you may have something to work with.

One thing I think its really easy to forget for those of us who have been exploring this for a while is that BDSM can feel very alien or even "wrong" to a vanilla person's sensibilities. Its likely a result of parental or societal conditioning. After all, how mentally stable are the people doing D/s stuff in the Hollywood movies? They always have some kind of weird neurosis going on or they're completely psycho. Be prepared to take it slow, but make it safe for him by starting with it as this naughty fantasy that you watch on the screen together and reward him for each step he takes in the direction you want him to, no matter how small.

If he starts to really enjoy himself, he may just dig into some of those great books (I suggest you start him with Screw the Roses) and he'll want to run the show the way he likes it!

I wish you the best of luck.

_____________________________

"A spank in time saves nine" ~ Benjamin Spanklin

Read my ongoing series, "Lessons on Domination from Jim Mogul" at my blog: http://www.kinkycrafts.info/master-blog/mblog.php

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 18

RE: Submissive wife/Nondominant husband... - 1/20/2008 8:49:18 PM

erebus

Posts: 169
Joined: 1/15/2004
Status: offline

This is a very common problem, and it has no great solution. You're going to either have to live as you have lived before, married in a vanilla relationship, or you're going to have to leave a (seemingly) good marriage, or your going to have to find a third way, perhaps having an affair either in secret or with the tacit knowledge of your spouse.

It's of course the best to know yourself before you get married; it's an argument for delaying getting married until you really know yourself.

(in reply to CapnSpankins)

Post #: 19

RE: Submissive wife/Nondominant husband... - 1/21/2008 9:21:18 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

erebus. Some people dont turn to the dark side until after they are married. Like what was said in here already you are not going to change him. You will just build a wall between you. You can live with it, find a Dom on the side or pack up and call it quits.

(in reply to erebus)

Post #: 20

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