Human first. (Full Version)

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cleopetra -> Human first. (1/10/2008 5:12:04 PM)

Something that has struck me on more than one occasion is the pressure that some people in this lifestyle feel under to always be the Dom, submissive or whatever they might identify with.  And if they should 'slip' and just be human, then they are not the Dom, submissve or whatever they might identify as. 

It's sad to think that this may stop anything developing between people who might be well matched.

As someone who has a very submissive side and has not had a significant relationship of the D/s kind for quite a long time now, I do sometimes lose touch with that part of me.  I find it difficult to switch on and get into the role of submissive that I find many conversations that I have with people seem to demand.  I would much rather be myself and let that part of me come naturally when I first encounter someone.  As a result of the pressure I sometimes feel to perform I may go beyond their fantasy, if that makes sense.  Then I feel I become a liabilty and they run, so as an alternative to that, I will just dig my heels in and not play their game which is when I find I am more susceptible to abuse.

I hope this makes sense. If it does, does any of what I am saying strike a chord with anyone?

cleopetra




Leatherist -> RE: Human first. (1/10/2008 5:17:49 PM)

Relax and let yourself be drawn out by those with the patience and ability to do so.

The rest can go piss up a rope.[:D]



tigerstyle -> RE: Human first. (1/10/2008 5:22:27 PM)

I find the ahuman thing repulsive.



PsyVamp -> RE: Human first. (1/10/2008 5:27:14 PM)

I am just me, however one sees me.  I don't think about being dominant all the time, it is just part of who I am



MsBearlee -> RE: Human first. (1/10/2008 5:27:22 PM)

I find this way of thinking troublesome, because, to a greater or lesser degree…I am always D/s.  To a greater degree, when I have a partner; to a lesser degree if not. 
 
Just because a person likes and enjoys The Power Exchange does not mean that they do so with everybody.  It’s a personal thing, right?  A submissive, generally, does NOT like it when someone comes out of the gate as if they are that person’s own Dominant.  Same with Dom/mes…it is tiresome when submissives fawn and kneel at their feet when they just met them.
 
Of course, I realize you don’t mean things taken to extremes, but you know what I mean.  If you are interested, though, in cultivating your submissiveness, I recommend doing some volunteer work; it will help you ‘feel that way’.  You can also read books like:

While I’ve only read the first one, I will say it offered up many opportunities for a submissive to ‘get into that headspace’…as well as develop skills that would make him or her quite valuable as a submissive or a slave.
 
Having said all that...people ARE just human, but then are not either submissive nor dominant to everybody they meet.
 
IMHO,
MsB

edited for those pesky bullets!



xxblushesxx -> RE: Human first. (1/10/2008 5:27:41 PM)

You're dealing with those with unrealistic fantasies. Leatherist has it right.
Relax and enjoy.
(also block and delete when necessary.)

~Christina



christine1 -> RE: Human first. (1/10/2008 5:28:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Relax and let yourself be drawn out by those with the patience and ability to do so.

The rest can go piss up a rope.[:D]



i agree with this statement, but i'm currently purplexed about the physics of pissing up a rope if you're a woman...i'm just wondering lol, and the visuals are quite entertaining.



MsBearlee -> RE: Human first. (1/10/2008 5:31:38 PM)

 
Well said Leatherist!
 
Smiles and waves,
Beverly



Leatherist -> RE: Human first. (1/10/2008 5:32:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: christine1

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Relax and let yourself be drawn out by those with the patience and ability to do so.

The rest can go piss up a rope.[:D]



i agree with this statement, but i'm currently purplexed about the physics of pissing up a rope if you're a woman...i'm just wondering lol, and the visuals are quite entertaining.


Pissing down it is more fun-especially if a "twue dom" is trying to climb up it at that particular moment.



Leatherist -> RE: Human first. (1/10/2008 5:33:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsBearlee


Well said Leatherist!
 
Smiles and waves,
Beverly


My basic acid test is this- if it has to be forced-it's a fantasy.  (usually based on really bad porn)

If it's natural, it flows.

Enough said.[;)]



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Human first. (1/10/2008 5:39:41 PM)

The problem isn't being human- the problem is people who create thie idea of dom or sub and that it somehow can't be "human."

Stop letting your insecurities decide who/how you should be towards someone- it's not what you DO, it's who you ARE.



Leatherist -> RE: Human first. (1/10/2008 5:49:23 PM)

Performance pressures over roles screw people up more than anything else. There is a difference between "acting" and "being". [;)]



Griswold -> RE: Human first. (1/10/2008 5:53:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cleopetra

Something that has struck me on more than one occasion is the pressure that some people in this lifestyle feel under to always be the Dom, submissive or whatever they might identify with.  And if they should 'slip' and just be human, then they are not the Dom, submissve or whatever they might identify as. 

It's sad to think that this may stop anything developing between people who might be well matched.

As someone who has a very submissive side and has not had a significant relationship of the D/s kind for quite a long time now, I do sometimes lose touch with that part of me.  I find it difficult to switch on and get into the role of submissive that I find many conversations that I have with people seem to demand.  I would much rather be myself and let that part of me come naturally when I first encounter someone.  As a result of the pressure I sometimes feel to perform I may go beyond their fantasy, if that makes sense.  Then I feel I become a liabilty and they run, so as an alternative to that, I will just dig my heels in and not play their game which is when I find I am more susceptible to abuse.

I hope this makes sense. If it does, does any of what I am saying strike a chord with anyone?

cleopetra


It makes perfect sense.

You want to know the answer to the ultimate conundrum...where do we all fit (in)?

You want to know if what we believe about ourselves...is necessarily where we belong...or where we fit (in)...in the lifestyle...and how does what we believe mesh with what on occasion...we feel...which might differ from what our friends or lovers think we are.

Or might be(come).

(And on occasion...who we even think we are)?

Deep, concerning, valid...even distinct as to personality, questions.

And now I'll answer (as best I can....from my own perspective).

I have a tinfoil hat.  It's a fine tinfoil hat.

I don't use it always...but I find when I have Cheetos in hand, I'm much more reflective on my beliefs.

Reflective is the operative word.

(See above).

I've always been able to discern, when driving, that my best thoughts come from within.

Of course, if I had an Escalade, I'd have a full 16 inch flat screen (in the center console) and of course, being in Seattle, I have access to some of the best wireless downloads available in the lower 48.

That being the case, and the fact that I'd have a 65 gig hard drive (in the Escalade), I'd also have access to some of the better 90 minute 80's and 90's movies.  One of which is "Alien".

I can only say at this juncture...what comes out of me....

Is this really disgusting slimy little ALIEN!!!!!...right outa my chest even!!!!!
 
(And he's really fucking slimy and totally alien like...and slimy {did I mention he's all kinds of slimy?}...and gross....but that's what an Escalade will do to you if you're not paying attention).








lauren0221 -> RE: Human first. (1/10/2008 5:56:35 PM)

I was talking with a friend of mine earlier, and he asked what I thought should happen if a Dominant was doing something to/with me, and it just wasn't working. And I  thought about it, and realized that I hoped very much we would both laugh.

This doesn't have to be so damn serious all the time, you know?



ksub4u -> RE: Human first. (1/10/2008 6:51:01 PM)

quote:

I would much rather be myself and let that part of me come naturally when I first encounter someone. As a result of the pressure I sometimes feel to perform I may go beyond their fantasy, if that makes sense.


It makes sense to me.  In the past when I've been speaking with someone I suddenly feel like I've gone into 'acting submissive mode' and what I'm typing or talking about feels more like what a submissive should say rather than what *I* want to say.  Sometimes it'd be my fault, and I'd been too eager to prove my subbiness... lol... but most times it was that the connection wasn't there and I just wasn't feelin' it. 

My advice?  Listen to your instincts.  When the right one comes along, and you've been talking with him for awhile, perhaps you'll feel the sub inside loosening up and longing to break free.  I think Leatherist gives great advice - relax and let yourself be drawn out by those who know how. 



cleopetra -> RE: Human first. (1/10/2008 7:04:38 PM)

Thanks everyone.  It's 3am here so I'll go to bed now and relax.  Appreciate all of your thoughts.

cleopetra 



breatheasone -> RE: Human first. (1/10/2008 8:41:24 PM)

Just yesterday Daddy told me this...."We could put those floggers up and never use them, or any of it again, and we would still be who we are to each other." He IS my Master...my King....thats just who He is to me... Label be damned.



Owner4SexSlave -> RE: Human first. (1/10/2008 9:36:04 PM)

BDSM is just part of who and what I am, it's not the Be all End of my life.   Just so happens that BDSM lifestyle is a place that I fit into.  Not the other way around.



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Human first. (1/11/2008 4:33:37 AM)

when Daddy first approached me, He didn't do it in a domly manner and demanded i call Him "Daddy" right off the bat. nope, He merely showed the human side to Him - a guy who has a very ecelectic taste in music and enjoys living life. i didn't have to show my submissive side to Him either that rather came slowly as we knew each other better and more. i suppose that's why we clicked so well.

the exact same thing happened when i met SO. i didn't see the dominant side to him however a guy who collects scripts to movie posters to old radio shows etc.  and vice versa he didn't need to see my submissive however was more interested in my collection of stuff from the bands i review.





Owner4SexSlave -> RE: Human first. (1/11/2008 4:45:25 AM)

If I'm not feeling a natural BDSM evoling between me and somebody else, well... It's just not right.  I tend to walk away from it instead of trying to force it.  I think too many people try to force it along to prove the label they are wearing.

I tend to simply be me with anybody, even prospective BDSM relationships.  I might open up and explore things in thought with them.  But this is kind of like kissing somebody for the first time.  Not something to do unless the moment is right, and there is a good vibe about it.

I really don't look at what I do as being patient, it's more of a common sense thing if you ask me.   Why the hell should I trying DOMing anybody ass when I don't know shit about them as a human being.   Hell, I might not like what I'm getting myself into.  Hell, they might not even like what they are getting themselves into.  Sure it can be a nice fantasy for awhile... but the reality is, that each and every single on of us is human.




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