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RE: More than one - 1/12/2008 1:18:50 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: takenbyjohnr07

i agree, i was under the impresion that he wanted to add a sub and not just play with one occassionally. Without us knowing how he is expressing this to her or how he treats her or makes her feel otherwise, we can't really give too much of an educated answer. We can only just assume.

For instance: Is their relationship otherwise great? Or is there a lot lacking. That would change my answer tremendously. We don't know how he presented it to her or if he is respecting her wishes or is mad. There is so much we don't know.

Even adding a sub, or anyone for that matter, doesn't mean it's all the sex.

To continue the food idea... let's say he likes a dish that she just can't make. She's tried, she just can't and he doesn't want to live without it. If all parties can live with it, why not bring in a cook who can? It doesn't mean he won't get a great deal of enjoyment out of the dishes that the first one made and will continue to make. And who knows, maybe the two cooks can work together to make even better dishes that they couldn't do alone.

The OP, IMHO, didn't give us a hint as to why her dom wants another sub so I would say that it is as likely that he simply is poly as he just wants another person for sex.

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Post #: 21

RE: More than one - 1/12/2008 5:36:36 AM

cherrypez

Posts: 114
Joined: 12/20/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

Even adding a sub, or anyone for that matter, doesn't mean it's all the sex.

To expand---even if another submissive is brought into the relationship and it is sexual it doesn't mean that the first sub in anyway is lacking. It could be that he loves his first submissives for her personality and wants to show his love for her in a sexual way. He brings the second submissive into the relationship for the exact same reason but her personality is different from the personality of the first submissive. I consider this more of a polyamorous lifestyle because it is more about the love than the kink.
I think and I am not an expert on poly relationships that what commonly happens is that the thought might be a turn on, there is insecurity either in the relationship or one of the parties. That insecurity can lead to disaster. Having some insecurities is normal for most people. But I think for a poly relationship to even be considered, all parties must feel pretty secure not only in themselves but in the relationship.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

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Post #: 22

RE: More than one - 1/12/2008 8:32:46 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

This is something that should be discussed before accepting another's collar.
If you want one thing and he wants another, then you are not compatible.
If this is a hard limit for you, tell him so. (should have already, but...) He will either accept that, or show you the door. Either way you'll be happier than if you just gave in to a lifestyle that will make you miserable.
Mine made it qutie clear that we would be monogomous. I prefer that and so does He.
Master says He can't keep up with me, so why would He want another? *lol*

~Christina

(in reply to cherrypez)

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Post #: 23

RE: More than one - 1/12/2008 8:43:25 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wantingitall

I have spoken to him about this as it was not something that we discussed in the beginning. He says it is what he needs. What if I can't give him that? I feel like it makes me a poor sub :-(

It does not make you a poor sub!!

Some people are wired to handle poly, some people aren't. Just like some people are wired for BDSM D/s and some aren't. IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD SUBMISSIVE.

Next, Poly only works when all involved feel secure in their roles. At this point, he needs to take the time to ensure that the relationship between the two of you is secure before adding another layer. Think of it as the building of a house. Would you add the second story before the ground floor was steady?

And finally, this is the one of the reasons why I think it's necessary to negotiate before accepting a collar or contract. It lays out things like expectations and what happens in case of pregnancy, etc. It tends to get rid of most of the surprises like, "You didn't know that I wanted 15 submissives?"

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Post #: 24

RE: More than one - 1/15/2008 9:34:44 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
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You are NOT a poor sub. You just are not poly that does not make you good or bad it is just your preference. I told Master from the very start that me being his only submissive was a hard limit and he is ok with it.

Maybe this Dom is not the right one for you. If you really can't handle it and he will do it anyway you may just have to walk away.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to OsideGirl)

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Post #: 25

RE: More than one - 1/15/2008 10:01:06 AM

Bound2One

Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
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quote:

For instance: Is their relationship otherwise great? Or is there a lot lacking.

I don't really think this has much bearing on whether she is poly or not. I think you can either handle another party being brought into your relationship (and any issues which may arise due to it) or not. I don't see much room for middle ground here.

As others have said, you're not a 'bad sub' if you're not poly. You're not a 'good sub' if you are either. You simply are who you are. You have to be sure that your wants/desires/needs match those of the Dom you are serving. Is this the start of the relationship, and he is simply being honest and up front and telling you his needs and you can't submit to it, or is this an established relationship during which he is now switching the 'rules' on you?

(in reply to takenbyjohnr07)

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Post #: 26

RE: More than one - 1/15/2008 10:07:07 AM

BabyKittyKat

Posts: 42
Joined: 12/8/2007
Status: offline

Well, in my case.. In the beginning of our relationship, we both agreed no other slaves, subs, doms or whatever. The intimacy we have between us is only for us. I`m strictly monogamous (I hope I spelled it right?). So we hadn`t had a problem with that. :)

If I were you, I would just talk with the dominant, if the posession of another slave really depresses me. I may be a subbie, but I have principles, which I openly talk about from the beginning of a relationship.

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Post #: 27

RE: More than one - 1/15/2008 10:45:34 AM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

If a dom wants more than one sub, the least he can do is say that BEFORE a sub gets involved with him. Otherwise he's just being a hound.

Nah, I don't agree.

At this point in my life I want a nice little apartment, the cheapest econocar I can scrounge up, and a job I don't hate. These wants will change in ten years. I don't have an obligation to disclose my every single desire that I might have two or ten years from now. I don't know if I'll want a huge house in the suburbs or a log cabin; my relationship with a woman doesn't leave me beholden to my initial claim that all I want is a small apartment and car.

I do agree that someone who knows they desire a poly relationship, but doesn't share that desire until after they collar girl number one is a hound. If your'e not man enough to tell the girl what you want today, why should she buy that you're man enough when you spring it on her?

Stephan

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Post #: 28

RE: More than one - 1/15/2008 10:56:07 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wantingitall

How do others handle it when their Master or Dom wants more than one sub or slave? I want to be the only one that He wants, but am also afraid to disappoint Him? PLEASE help me!!

I've been thinking about this for a couple of days...

the vital missing information for me is what kind of communication has taken place? My Master is polygamous and always will be so. He has made it clear that there is nothing I can do to change that as he has a desire for variety and unless I became Mystique overnight then I simply have to accept that he will need others in his life.

And I thought I would have a hard time accepting that, but I'm not and I do think it's because he took the time to explain his possition while assuring me that I still play a vital role in his life.

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Post #: 29

RE: More than one - 1/15/2008 12:38:20 PM

princessleather

Posts: 20
Joined: 12/25/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wantingitall

How do others handle it when their Master or Dom wants more than one sub or slave? I want to be the only one that He wants, but am also afraid to disappoint Him? PLEASE help me!!

WEll if you two didn't discuss this BEFORE you two made a commitment you are both wrong... remember those three "C's" Communications, Communications, Communications.

Now, how would i handle it if after we had discussed it and he then decided he wanted another slave ... i would plant a 2 foot dildo up his ^ss and open the door and say "go forth and conquer!"