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[Poll]

Safewords

I am a Dominant, using safewords is topping from the bottom.

2% (2)

I am a Dominant, using safewords is a necessary safety precaution.

36% (27)

I am a submissive, using safewords is topping from the bottom.

10% (8)

I am a submissive, using safewords is a necessary safety precaution.

49% (36)

Total Votes : 73

(last vote on : 8/29/2008 4:21:45 PM)
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Safewords - 1/13/2008 4:57:06 PM

darchChylde

Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline

Please read before voting.

In a long-term Ds relationship, where two people have been together for a significant length of time but have have had very limited play/scene time together; what do you think of safewords? Please elaborate.

This poll was inspired when a highly respected Dominant in my local community made the following statements during an organized lecture.

"Safe words in substantial play (i.e. not play party short term or hookups) can indicate a lack of trust. If Y/you feel that there is a need for safewords, it may indicate that there is not enough trust from one person to the other for a scene to occur."

"Safe words also leave power in the submissives hands, which defeats the purpose of submission altogether."

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

Post #: 1

RE: Safewords - 1/13/2008 5:00:36 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

There aren't enough options for me to vote. I would agree that safewords can indicate a lack of trust, but so can a dominant reading their submissive's e-mail. The act itself does not mean there is or is not a lack of trust. Nor do I think safewords are a necessary safety procaution for everyone. They are simply a safety procaution.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 1/13/2008 5:03:08 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 2

RE: Safewords - 1/13/2008 5:07:22 PM

fullofgrace69

Posts: 99
Joined: 7/22/2006
Status: offline

i think that safety words shuld never be removed if either party is uncomfortable with the idea, but at the same time i feel that if both people feel that the relationship has gotten to the stage where they trust each other enough to not use them, than go them. i can't imagine ever not using safewords during any scene, but than i've not experienced a long term D/s relationship so my experience is limited

_____________________________

-Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry shit continues just shoot me now please.-

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 3

RE: Safewords - 1/13/2008 5:07:40 PM

angelslave77

Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

Sir and I are long distance but we get together often and play is a regular thing durring these visits (as well as lots of kissy cuddly relationship building stuff) and I have found the only time I felt a safe word necessary was when we ventured into something that was uncharted territory for us both. It was quite a common activity although new to us but it was unbearable and I had to safe word out of it because we were in the middle of a scene.

It caught us both off guard because I normally tolerate (read: enjoy pain) but I have to say it had nothing to do with trust and as a rule he reads me perfectly but I was glad I had the option.

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 4

RE: Safewords - 1/13/2008 5:10:23 PM

agoodgirl4Daddy

Posts: 336
Joined: 10/25/2007
Status: offline

Safe words do not indicate a lack of trust in my opinion.

What if the submissive has a sudden need to stop....perhaps a health condition, emotional trigger, etc.?? This is particularly important if the submissive is not able to express the reason for needing to stop the scene. For example, subbie is gagged OR subbie is not verbal during heavy play OR play is to an extent (heavy whipping or subbie in subspace) that subbie can only voice a word rather than a lengthy reason for needing to stop.

Nothing about not trusting! it's for safety! emotional and physical safety. any Dominant that doesn't agree with that is one that i would turn tail and run from...quickly!!!

_____________________________

~We do not see things as they are - we see them as we are.~ Anais Nin

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 5

RE: Safewords - 1/13/2008 5:13:47 PM

Sabella

Posts: 265
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline

I agree, not enough options to vote. I have a safeword, it's used when OTHER people (not him) are pushing my limits - usually if I'm feeling crowded or uncomfortable or vulnerable or whatever.

I don't have a safeword with him, I will call his name if I feel the need for a breather or a little slow down but to stop him? It's never come up tho I suppose it could. He knows and reads me very well.

We have had some stressful scenes where afterwards he asked me "why didn't you tell me to stop?" frankly it wasn't even an option in my mind at the time, never occurred to me that I could or had to use a safeword - because I do trust him. Part of the process of breaking thru is following that trust, yes it's scary, yes I want to cry uncle! but I'm alive and well on the otherside without having shamed myself by safewording out of it when it gets tough.

Hope that made some sense? I agree with the dominant's lecture statement.

_____________________________

“The giant Grof was hit in one eye by a stone,
and that eye turned inward so that it looked into his mind and he died of what he saw there.”
From The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, by Patricia A. McKillip

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 6

RE: Safewords - 1/13/2008 5:14:06 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde
In a long-term Ds relationship, where two people have been together for a significant length of time but have have had very limited play/scene time together; what do you think of safewords? Please elaborate.

I think that suggesting safe words have anything to do with time together already shows a problem in using them at all.

Safe words mean "Something is wrong, pay attention"

Something can go wrong after 5 minutes together or after 5 years.

quote:

This poll was inspired when a highly respected Dominant in my local community made the following statements during an organized lecture.

I love that, "highly respected." Who obviously thinks only doms and subs have opinions on safewords? It's much more likely tops and bottoms who need this discussion.

quote:

"Safe words in substantial play (i.e. not play party short term or hookups) can indicate a lack of trust. If Y/you feel that there is a need for safewords, it may indicate that there is not enough trust from one person to the other for a scene to occur."

"Safe words also leave power in the submissives hands, which defeats the purpose of submission altogether."

I'm not sure how he'd respond to a master who said he ORDERED his sub to use a safeword in certain circumstances then.

People who make safewords a symbol of trust just make the concept of safeword even more confusing and useless than it already is to begin with.

Frankly, I say, just don't use it, with a possible exception of extreme role play situations. Just use direct and open communication.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_137937/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#137937
Forcing your sub to safeword?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_97589/mpage_1/key_safeword%252Cpunishment/tm.htm#97662
safewording during a punishment

http://www.collarchat.com/m_600704/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#600756
forgetting the safeword

http://www.collarchat.com/m_563513/mpage_2/key_safeword/tm.htm#563814
Safeword usage over time

http://www.collarchat.com/m_355604/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#355604
Safewords are NOT for novices!

http://www.collarchat.com/m_232414/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#232414
safewords?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_228130/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#228130
safeword

http://www.collarchat.com/m_131432/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#131432
Safe words

http://www.collarchat.com/m_93603/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#93603
Overuse of a safeword?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_69981/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#69981
safewords not allowed?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_14335/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#14335
should a slave in training be allowed safewords?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_668940/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#669011
The use of safewords

http://www.collarchat.com/m_679370/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#679401
safe words: To use or not to use

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 7

RE: Safewords - 1/13/2008 5:14:11 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Sometimes a safe word is merely a way to get the necessary attention of the other one. I was playing recently and could feel the beginnings of hypoglycemia - I could feel it, he couldn't.... I was under speech restrictions during the scene, so I used the "I need a moment" safe word to tell him I needed to eat something in the next half hour. One sentence. He could do with it what he wanted. He chose to use that information and turn the scene from a flogging into a puppy scene with me eating out of his hand. Well, we hadn't planned it, but he was able to use the safe word scenario to make it a new and fun way to play.

There is no insult to using a safe word. It is merely another form of communicating. I don't understand anybody who doesn't understand that.

peace

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to angelslave77)

Post #: 8

RE: Safewords - 1/13/2008 5:17:33 PM

agoodgirl4Daddy

Posts: 336
Joined: 10/25/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Sometimes a safe word is merely a way to get the necessary attention of the other one. I was playing recently and could feel the beginnings of hypoglycemia - I could feel it, he couldn't.... I was under speech restrictions during the scene, so I used the "I need a moment" safe word to tell him I needed to eat something in the next half hour. One sentence. He could do with it what he wanted. He chose to use that information and turn the scene from a flogging into a puppy scene with me eating out of his hand. Well, we hadn't planned it, but he was able to use the safe word scenario to make it a new and fun way to play.

There is no insult to using a safe word. It is merely another form of communicating. I don't understand anybody who doesn't understand that.

peace

very nice! and what a creative way to not stop the scene and hit the McDonald's drive thru! Kudos to your Dominant!

_____________________________

~We do not see things as they are - we see them as we are.~ Anais Nin

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 9

RE: Safewords - 1/13/2008 5:33:48 PM

MsLadySue

Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline

There are times when I play with my painslut that I get so into my dominant headspace I might miss a sign he's having a problem or that he needs me to take it easy. I'm thankful that he no longer feels the necessity to have use safe words with me, but the option is there "just in case".

_____________________________

In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don't have to be nice anymore.

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 10

RE: Safewords - 1/13/2008 5:46:11 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm very much with angelslave77 on this one. Very specifically, last night's case in point.

Recently, I acquired a violet wand. While I have seen demos, asked some experienced folks to explain some of the different pointers, asked to feel the sensation Myself, etc., I hadn't actually used one Myself for the length of entire scene. (I have done a bit of co-Topping in the past, but that was always with the assistance of another Dom.) Now, in My opinion, no matter how much background information I acquire, I'm not experienced with this type of play until I've actually done it for Myself (not co-Topping.) That means, prior to play, there's a whole new negotiation discussion and emphasis on the use of safe and slow words. Though My collared submissive trusts Me for play, I want him to know that in new territory, his safety is paramount.

For those wondering, the scene went exceptionally well. There were also some other new factors that were just wonderful. My boy is no worse for wear today, except, I hope, he can't wait until next time.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to agoodgirl4Daddy)

Post #: 11

RE: Safewords - 1/13/2008 6:00:00 PM

littlebitxxx

Posts: 732
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde

"Safe words in substantial play (i.e. not play party short term or hookups) can indicate a lack of trust. If Y/you feel that there is a need for safewords, it may indicate that there is not enough trust from one person to the other for a scene to occur."

"Safe words also leave power in the submissives hands, which defeats the purpose of submission altogether."

Methinks your Dom-type lecturer should have prefaced those words with "in my opinion" because, where that may be his own opinion, it certainly doesn't seem to apply to everyone. I don't care how long two people have been together, how well they know each other and how deep is the trust of the slave, there are sure to be times when a safeword of some type and ONLY a safeword of some type will be necessary. Ie, the situation of sunshinemiss and her hypoglycemia. (Ain't she just got the coolest Sir?) I italicized the words of some type because it doesn't even necessarily need to be a safeword in regards to what's commonly known as a safeword. It just needs to be an indication that something needs to be fixed at that particular moment.

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 12

RE: Safewords - 1/13/2008 6:02:13 PM

TysGalilah

Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline

We do not use safewords in our relationship

but, Just because we don't use them doesn't mean they are not useful to others in their situation. The poll questions do not reflect my views..so I didn't take the poll.

_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 13

RE: Safewords - 1/13/2008 6:05:35 PM

brattybrandi

Posts: 31
Joined: 7/8/2007
Status: offline

quote:

In a long-term Ds relationship, where two people have been together for a significant length of time but have have had very limited play/scene time together; what do you think of safewords? Please elaborate.

I think that if you have been together for a significant amout of time, you should know one another pretty well. But if you have had limited play/scene time together one on one. ie.. long distance relationships. I personaly feel that a safe word is a must. If you don't play often enough to get to know your partners body language, breathing, and responces you may easily push them beyond what they are capable of handling.

quote:

"Safe words in substantial play (i.e. not play party short term or hookups) can indicate a lack of trust. If Y/you feel that there is a need for safewords, it may indicate that there is not enough trust from one person to the other for a scene to occur."

I in my past relationship was not the one insisting upon a safe word, my Dom was. He never wanted to push me so far that I would allow myself to get really hurt physicaly, or mentaly. It wasn't a trust issue. It was a safety precaution. Durring a scene I tollerate things well, unless i feel there is a safety issue. Such as circulation to limbs, hands turning purple & total loss of feeling. Or when my Dom is playing a mind fuck game with me, I literaly have felt as if I were going insane in that moment from the sensations. Came close a few times to screaming it out. But there again he got to know me. And stopped before I ever did. There have been those times when I had to say
" my hand is numb" He looked and untied imediately after seeing it purple. I didn't have to use a safeword. If he hadent paid attention or felt it was ok to continue, I'm not sure how much more I could have handled I then would have been forced to call the safe word. But as of today, I have never needed it. Mostly because the Men I have been with got to know me, my body, & the way I react. They still needed the safe word in place. And even though I've never used it before I know it makes me feel better knowing it's there in case I ever need it. If anything it has made me Trust them more. Knowing that they want me protected & never truly harmed.

quote:

"Safe words also leave power in the submissives hands, which defeats the purpose of submission altogether."

This statement really bothers me. It implies that you should take away that right a person has to protect themselves physicaly & mentaly. Because otherwise they arent being a good submissive, they have the Control to stop a scene. I can see where this statement could apply if the submissive was using it to Top.
(We are talking about a submissive or a slave ?) I'm confused a bit I guess.

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 14

RE: Safewords - 1/13/2008 6:16:39 PM

kittensmailbox

Posts: 744
Joined: 1/7/2005
From: Youngstown, Ohio
Status: offline

my fomer Master said never to trust anyone who does not use safe words, but that was about 3 years ago... who knows maybe he has changed his mind....

_____________________________

~softly smiles

~lowers her eyes in respect~

~kitten

(in reply to brattybrandi)

Post #: 15

RE: Safewords - 1/13/2008 6:18:56 PM

PsyVamp

Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde

"Safe words in substantial play (i.e. not play party short term or hookups) can indicate a lack of trust. If Y/you feel that there is a need for safewords, it may indicate that there is not enough trust from one person to the other for a scene to occur."

"Safe words also leave power in the submissives hands, which defeats the purpose of submission altogether."

I understand the reasoning and the logic behind these words. I also know that things can and do go wrong, and that people's bodys can vary.
Sometimes, play that is normally fine for a submissive may not work; mood, hormones, exercise or accidents call all change the way a person's body is functioning at the moment. I think it would be completely unfair and unfeeling to not give a person the chance to stop something that is causing them unnecessary problems.

My pet TRUSTS that I will honor his safeword, if he gives it. I TRUST that my pet would use his safeword if something were not right. After all, I don't want to hurt him, I only want to cause a little pain.

< Message edited by PsyVamp -- 1/13/2008 6:20:29 PM >

_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 16

RE: Safewords - 1/13/2008 6:31:00 PM

darchChylde

Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline

quote:

opinion

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlebitxxx
Methinks your Dom-type lecturer should have prefaced those words with "in my opinion" because, where that may be his own opinion, it certainly doesn't seem to apply to everyone.

Yes, his entire presentation was prefaced with the statement that he was only speaking on his opinions and experiences.

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to littlebitxxx)

Post #: 17

RE: Safewords - 1/13/2008 6:40:07 PM

Griswold

Posts: 2739
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline

I've always found all words, in the wrong hands, can be dangerous.

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 18

RE: Safewords - 1/13/2008 7:05:17 PM

wisteriaV

Posts: 438
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline

Ive been with Master long enough so I dont use safewords and in all actuality we never did because we always have comunicated well, so the poll for me is also pointless. For others I am sure safewords are very much necessary.

_____________________________

Every story has two sides , much like a coin and neither one is totally perfect.
If it doesn't float your boat, then don't get in the water~!

(in reply to Griswold)

Post #: 19

RE: Safewords - 1/13/2008 7:19:54 PM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline

Daddy and I have been together for 4 and a half years, involved in the bdsm part for 4 years +, so we know each other pretty well. However, to really do an intense scene at home or at the club can take time that we may not have at our disposal all the time due to schedules, having UM's, and all that. However, we do almost "mini-scenes" at times when we are intimate and things can go from sweet and mushy to ramped up and a bit sadistic. He and I have never established a safeword for me to use, although we both know the typical ones of "red" or even "safeword" in case things get out of whack for whatever reason. I would definitely use a safeword if I felt that things were going south for some reason because, although he can read my body language, my sounds, and my eyes, he cannot read my mind. I think that is a heck of a burden to put on someone, even big strapping Doms. So, while I haven't had to use a safeword in the years we have been together, it doesn't mean that I won't in the future, and it doesn't mean that in my doing so, I have stripped the trust from our relationship or that I'm topping him somehow.

Just my opinion. YMMV...

~ DRH

_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut

(in reply to Griswold)

Post #: 20

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