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I have a Lifestyle - 1/14/2008 8:55:46 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		I didn't want to hijack this thread.

I am me and I live how I live, regardless of who I am around.

That said, I do things with my partners in private and amongst lifestylers that vanilla people would be shocked or appalled by.  I grab her by the collar, I force her to her knees, I rest my hand on her head.  I tell her to fetch things for me, I snap at her when she's mouthy, and I slap her when she is haughty or abrasive.  These are things that she has tacitly agreed to, indeed she would likely not be with me if I didn't do most of these things.  Thus, the way I live can be categorized under the heading 'BDSM Lifestyle.'  The header at the top of the collarme.com page states "The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet." 

I fully understand that many people don't like to consider their activities or behaviors to be deviant.*  Perhaps they aren't; I know my activities are deviant though.  I know that many of the things that I enjoy aren't acceptable outside of the BDSM community.  Thus, I accept that in mixed company, in front of my employer or hers, in front of my family or hers, that our actions must be adjusted (to no small degree) in order for us to maintain our jobs, acquaintances, and healthy family relationships.  Does this mean we cease to be Master and slave?  Hardly; it simply means we recognize that we have the right to do as we wish, but also accept the consequences for our actions.  In this case, we don't hide who we are as people, but neither must we flaunt our enthusiasm for darker pleasures. 

Stephan
(A BDSM Lifestyler)

* de·vi·ant       (dē'vē-ənt)  Pronunciation Key
adj.   Differing from a norm or from the accepted standards of a society.


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RE: I have a Lifestyle - 1/14/2008 9:03:59 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Hello Stephan.  I admit to wondering where you've been just yesterday.

Yes, I'm as *out* as out can be, while the other members of My poly family don't have such liberties.  I think I understand where you are coming from.  Not all things are appropriate for all situations and I adjust accordingly.  I, honestly, don't consider Myself deviant.  I walk a different path than most and have taken a road less traveled.  I understand that My way is not everyone's way, and in these cases, I take what is easier for Me and Mine for the sake of careers, family, etc.  I look at it very much the same as I do in not causing harm.  Being open with everything would not be comfortable with those outside, and the ripple effect to those inside would be damaging.


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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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RE: I have a Lifestyle - 1/14/2008 9:06:36 AM   
PanthersMom


Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline 		i'm deviant and proud of it.  we have young ones in our home so our proclivities are exercised in the privacy of our bedroom or while they are away from home during visitation.  we do not display our chosen lifestyle in front of others, friends, family or otherwise, any more than we would expect them to display their own practices before us.  there is just no reason for it. 

PM

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RE: I have a Lifestyle - 1/14/2008 9:08:22 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I just posted this on another thread in response to someone... I thought it would be just as good on this thread... added, yes I am a deviant too

I do not like the term "vanilla" anyways. I do not feel I belong to a lifestyle. I think that I craved the sort of relationship I know enjoy before I knew it could exist. I also know that in this society it is outside of the "norm". People have picked up on what we share in small ways in the last few months, and questioned it. Once at his Christmas party I got a basket of chocolate in the gift exchange. He told me to open it up and share it, so I was giving it away to everyone, and since I cannot have any without his permission, I looked at him and he said under his breath "you can have some".  One of his coworkers asked in an incredulous voice "You have to get permission from him to eat chocolate? OMG!"... I did not know what to say. Yes, we are different from most other people. Sometimes I forget that until something happens to show me how different we are.



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RE: I have a Lifestyle - 1/14/2008 9:10:31 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		I admit that I am deviant...I also admit that many things I enjoy can not be done in mixed company and or in front of the general public. Having said that, so are many "nilla activities". I don't like the term lifestyle........too much style and not enough life. But thats just me. I don't object to others using it for a personal description, I prefer not too.

Jeff

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RE: I have a Lifestyle - 1/14/2008 9:14:01 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Hiya LadyPact,

Yeah, it's been a crazy weekend.  We spent Saturday in Los Angeles visiting a dungeon.  Had a great time hanging out with Merc n beth and Beachmystress & her slave, and some other folks from the South Beach much.  I was fortunate enough to try my hand at some fire play (literally) on charlotte :D

To elaborate a bit, what you described (to me) is a deviant lifestyle.  Walking a different path, apart from the mainstream, means you're deviating from it.  Many people consider 'deviants' to be bad people; you might find the word in 1950s movies to be synonymous for weirdo or gay.  I only used the word as I did, to express how living differently than others, means we actually live differently than others; that we are deviants from the norm.  I'm fine with that; I wouldn't be happy if I lived just like everyone else.

Warm Regards,

Stephan


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Men: Find a Woman here

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RE: I have a Lifestyle - 1/14/2008 9:15:29 AM   
verysweet


Posts: 128
Status: offline
quote:



I fully understand that many people don't like to consider their activities or behaviors to be deviant.* 

 
In reference to the other thread, I never 'heard' anyone say they were or were not deviant.  What I heard was their deviant behaviour was a part of who they were, not the sum total of their existence.
 

 
 

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RE: I have a Lifestyle - 1/14/2008 9:16:33 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Darcy does not and would not wish to whip me in front of my parents.
I also am well aware that he would not have missionary sex in front of them with me either.
 
If it makes a 'difference' - we are more 'out' than some are or can be.
 
He does believe in respecting other peoples boundaries - his rules which I follow.  I would not run my tongue over his throat in front of friends, which I know he adores because it would be against his principles to make others uncomfortable.  However I would kneel at his feet, because it is reflective behaviour dependant on the environment.
 
But as for it being easier in front of other BDSM participants?  Nope - but it is easier in front of those that know and understand us and therein lies the difference.
 
the.dark.

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RE: I have a Lifestyle - 1/14/2008 9:21:36 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

I admit that I am deviant...I also admit that many things I enjoy can not be done in mixed company and or in front of the general public. Having said that, so are many "nilla activities". I don't like the term lifestyle........too much style and not enough life. But thats just me. I don't object to others using it for a personal description, I prefer not too.

Jeff


Hi Jeff,

See I totally get that view.  My point isn't that you must be or feel part of some huge community.  But of the cause of that is because you see others raving about how deeply ingrained they are in 'The Lifestyle' doesn't necessarily reflect upon you, or your lifestyle.  When I say I enjoy living a BDSM lifestyle, I'm using a very general term to reflect a very complicated and personal set of interests and expectations within my relationship.  I don't let anyone else define what that BDSM lifestyle is supposed to me. 

Ironically, this was something that hit very close to home during Thanksgiving for charlotte and I.  I met her parents for the first time, and within two days her mother was in tears, terrified for her because I was so controlling.  We had to spend the following day explaining, separately, to her mom and dad why it seemed strange.  It wasn't anything overt that we had done to worry her mother, but her mother is very observant (and dominant, meaning she couldn't imagine a man treating her, the way I treat her daughter.)  As a result, we had to explain that it wasn't because I was a drug dealer (her first worry) or an abusive man (her second worry) but that we simply enjoy being the way we are.  It wasn't a conversation we had any desire to have, but if we hadn't, I'm certain it would have put enormous stress on their relationship.  This isn't to say everything has become roses with her; the point is that we didn't use the term BDSM community, though we did explain that we met because of our mutual interest in alternative relationships.  What that means, between charlotte and I, is obviously intensely personal.  I refuse to permit how others define 'BDSM lifestyle' to infringe on what and how she and I live.

I hope that clarifies?

Stephan


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Men: Find a Woman here

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RE: I have a Lifestyle - 1/14/2008 9:23:14 AM   
meticulousgirl


Posts: 969
Joined: 2/20/2007
Status: offline 		agreed Stephann!!!!!!!!!!this is our normal so why do people have to hack it or misinterpret what we do and how we live our lives....

i consider myself to live the lifestyle as well, it's not about the kinky sex to me, it is not a game, it's a constant mindset that I choose to keep in order to please the One that i serve. 

~meticulous~

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RE: I have a Lifestyle - 1/14/2008 9:28:29 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Hi thedark,

Obviously, it was the comments you and IrishMist posted that spurred this thread.

My point isn't about making things easier for anyone.  It's simply centered (or centred in your case ;) in that while you or others may choose to disassociate yourselves from a broader concept of community, doesn't necessarily mean that others do or must either.  The assumption isn't that anyone is inherently 'in a lifestyle.'  The question cherrypez posted, pointedly asked people who do associate with the lifestyle, how do they feel about a couple aspects.  Neither of your responses touched on her question; why did you feel the need to be offended, by how others choose to identify themselves?

Stephan


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"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

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RE: I have a Lifestyle - 1/14/2008 9:33:24 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		Perfectly clear......we agree in principle. Even if we didn't.it would not change our lives ...:)

Jeff

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RE: I have a Lifestyle - 1/14/2008 9:42:22 AM   
KnOcala


Posts: 260
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		For the most part I agree with you, but I want someone that is not feeling submissive to me out in public.  I want an equal in the vanilla world.  I want her to know she can speak her mind, make decisions and be an equal party to any major life decisions that need made.   If I ask for an opinion, I want her opinion and not what she thinks I want to here.  However, I am still in charge and control in the end of the day.  

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RE: I have a Lifestyle - 1/14/2008 9:54:36 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Hi Stephann
 
I wasn't offended by the comment, simply making a standing statement doesn't mean a person is feeling offended, if I felt I could not make a statement I may then feel offended, but being able to voice personal opinion negates that - but I was stating that not everyone feels that 'Lifestyle' was appropriate for everyone and I am not of the opinion that I should just 'pass the thread by' because it wasn't appropriate to me but better to stand up and say - hey, not everyone lives BDSM lifestyle nor sees BDSM in that vein.  Did it answer the question?  In my mind yes - the question was romantacizing the Lifestyle.  Making an acronym into a 'Lifestyle' is romantacizing it in itself.  Like I have said before, I do believe there are lifestyles and communities within BDSM - CM is a prime example of that - but suggesting that BDSM itself is a lifestyle is an overtly romantic and more complicated way of saying 'I belong' in my opinion.
 
In all seriousness - how many times do you hear those outside of wiitwd demanding that they live a 'vanilla' lifestyle?  The live marriages, partnerships, etc - Why do some feel it completely necessary to proclaim there is a BDSM Lifestyle and not just say they live in a marriage or partnership or Ds/SM/MS relationship?  What makes BDSM a Lifestyle so different from that which is supposedly different?  Not one person has ever been able to answer this question which I have asked over and over.
 
To me, BDSM Lifestyle suggests that the Lifestyle revolves around BDSM - my life doesn't - it revolves around Darcy and our dependants.  BDSM is what we do - not how and why we live. 
 
And not that I believe romantic is a bad way to go.  However, all romance is subjective and I was giving a subjective POV.
 
the.dark.

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RE: I have a Lifestyle - 1/14/2008 9:57:31 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		Look..you feel deviant...and suddenly many people pop up that are the same as you. Guess that makes no one deviant in the end :)

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RE: I have a Lifestyle - 1/14/2008 9:57:38 AM   
gorgeous1


Posts: 367
Joined: 11/14/2007
Status: offline 		This is a great topic, thanks Stephann!

Capnspankins and I are not "out" to anyone in my family. Unfortunately, his sister knows, but that was by accident- hubby's Amazon wishlist was public and he didn't know it, and she saw some very obvious book choices on it. She kindly let us know his book list was public, and hubby immediately fixed it. As a sign that she was cool with it, she sent hubby one of his kinky books as a Christmas gift! We do have a few friends that know we're "deviant" and they are OK with it as well- they see nothing wrong with it and sometimes lovingly tease us about it.

As far as my family, they have never seen anything "abnormal" or "deviant" about our relationship, and it's right under their noses! BEcause my parents have a traditional marriage, meaning my dad is the head of the household, they see nothing strange at all about my husband having the final say in all decisions, or him setting rules.

What IS "normal" sexual behavior anyhow? So many things that were once considered "deviant" are now so mainstream! 50 years ago, who would have had "marital aids" meaning vibrators, "personal lubricant" a book on the "Joy of Sex" or chocolate body paint?

Sure, hubby and I are different, deviant, you could say, and it feels great!



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RE: I have a Lifestyle - 1/14/2008 10:01:59 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

What makes BDSM a Lifestyle so different from that which is supposedly different?  Not one person has ever been able to answer this question which I have asked over and over.
 

 
In my mind, it's a bit like having an "LA lifestyle" and a "NYC lifestyle". Both are big cities, both have lots of people. Both have people with a lot of money. But I really would consider them to be different and if you aren't suited to living in one, I don't think you'd be happy.
 
The term "lifestyle" really doesn't seem romantic to me because I've heard it applied to so many things that aren't BDSM. The college lifestyle, the singles lifestyle, the married lifestyle, the rich lifestyle, the poor lifestyle, the doctor's lifestyle, etc. Anything that determines how you live your day-to-day life, which d/s definately does for me. So I suppose you could say I live the "college student-d/s lifestyle".

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RE: I have a Lifestyle - 1/14/2008 10:03:05 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

Hiya LadyPact,

Yeah, it's been a crazy weekend.  We spent Saturday in Los Angeles visiting a dungeon.  Had a great time hanging out with Merc n beth and Beachmystress & her slave, and some other folks from the South Beach much.  I was fortunate enough to try my hand at some fire play (literally) on charlotte :D

To elaborate a bit, what you described (to me) is a deviant lifestyle.  Walking a different path, apart from the mainstream, means you're deviating from it.  Many people consider 'deviants' to be bad people; you might find the word in 1950s movies to be synonymous for weirdo or gay.  I only used the word as I did, to express how living differently than others, means we actually live differently than others; that we are deviants from the norm.  I'm fine with that; I wouldn't be happy if I lived just like everyone else.

Warm Regards,

Stephan



Hiya Stephan,

Isn't that a coincidence?  The demo I was at just a couple of weeks ago was also on fireplay.  Small world in ways.  Though I have a feeling that the one you attended was probably better than the one I was at.  Another reason why I am anxious to be on the other coast again.

That part aside, I probably do agree with your definition of deviant.  It's the negative suppositions of the word that make Me not prefer it's use.  I see the way I live as a positive, rather than a negative, so I disassociate with those instances where there is less than acceptance.

My best to you and yours, Stephan.  It's good to see you posting again.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: I have a Lifestyle - 1/14/2008 10:21:34 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Hi Aqua - Maybe it is because Darcy and I see BDSM as what you do, and Ds as what we are that we do not see it inherently as a Lifestyle.
 
If we use your example, say College Lifestyle, you are in college, or in LA - doing those particular things.
BDSM is four different activities you do - and not being within - something.  If you are from LA and was born there, would not make you part of the LA Lifestyle unless you are actively participating in it would you?  Its a 'do', not an 'are'.
 
the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: I have a Lifestyle - 1/14/2008 10:29:58 AM   
charlotte12


Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

What makes BDSM a Lifestyle so different from that which is supposedly different?  Not one person has ever been able to answer this question which I have asked over and over.
 

 
In my mind, it's a bit like having an "LA lifestyle" and a "NYC lifestyle". Both are big cities, both have lots of people. Both have people with a lot of money. But I really would consider them to be different and if you aren't suited to living in one, I don't think you'd be happy.
 
The term "lifestyle" really doesn't seem romantic to me because I've heard it applied to so many things that aren't BDSM. The college lifestyle, the singles lifestyle, the married lifestyle, the rich lifestyle, the poor lifestyle, the doctor's lifestyle, etc. Anything that determines how you live your day-to-day life, which d/s definately does for me. So I suppose you could say I live the "college student-d/s lifestyle".


Hehe, i just spent 20 minute trying to type out a similar response and couldn't find the right words. I can see how some do not use D/s to determine ways in which they live their day to day life but for Master and i our M/s dynamic plays a huge role in how we chose to arrange our lives and so i would say we live our own version of a D/s lifestyle. Perhaps it is the suggestion that there is "the" D/s lifestyle that one either lives or doesn't that that sounds too "one twue wayish."  I would say many people live "A" D/s or BDSM based lifestyle in their own way but following some similar ways of doing things as others that live "A" BDSM lifestyle.


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