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subs attracting subs - 1/14/2008 4:05:43 PM

Tigrita

Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline

I was having an interesting conversation recently about how I often attract submissive types (but in the vanilla world). I acknowledged that it probably wasn't coincidence, that there is something that I do or some vibe I put out that makes this so. I tried to think about what makes this happen, and I think it centers around me being a very outgoing, nurturing, open person. I don't think these traits can be classified as dominant vs. submissive, but it seems that it really brings submissive guys out of their shell around me. Sweet, shy guys with so much wanting to burst out and be appreciated, guys who no one really 'gets'; and I get them, but I'm just not sexually attracted to them. There are several people I connect with in great ways, pretty much everything you might enjoy aobout a really great date, except minus the lust. When this happens it almost always ends the friendship because I'm not attracted to them but they've taken things the wrong way and things get awkward. I guess I'm just wondering if this has happened to anyone else and how you handled it. I'm asking because it has been a pattern in my life and causes pain between me and some really, really wonderful people and I don't want it to keep happening. I hate losing great friends or not being able to be myself around them for fear of giving the wrong impression.

P.S. I am listed as a switch, but I am not sexually attracted to submissive men, in case anyone gets thrown off by that point.

_____________________________

~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

Post #: 1

RE: subs attracting subs - 1/14/2008 4:16:14 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Shy guys have never really been into me from all I have ever seen. Submissive men have not ever been attracted to me to my knowledge. I have attracted a lot of dominant men in my life, the alpha type. I am not exacty "unapproachable", even family members tell me I am not. I am not a flirt, I am serious minded a lot of the time (even though I love to laugh and love funny people). I think my lack of forwardness sexually tends to only appeal to men that take what they want...

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 1/14/2008 4:17:00 PM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to Tigrita)

Post #: 2

RE: subs attracting subs - 1/14/2008 4:47:34 PM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

warning, ramble ahead....

i get geek guys attracted to me a lot, especially ones who have trouble expressing themselves. people who tend to be a little bit broken, too. why? i'd say i wasnt sure, but i've had a couple of different answers.

first....i'm soft. oh, not only physically (gods, i'm built for comfort, not speed!) but in my attitude, in how i act towards others, how i speak for the most past... second, i listen. third... i care.

i'm not "threatening". and yes, i have been approached by a few submissives, sometimes its for my screen name in other places (which contains the word "lady") sometimes its because for some ungodly reason, i seem to appear as though i am centered within myself and know what i'm doing. *falls over laughing hysterically*

i think the appearance of knowing who you are and where your feet stand as the world is standing does a lot to attract others. and since that sort of person (submissive) tends to want to find someone who knows what they're doing....it attracts them.

kitten, who is all rambly this evening.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 3

RE: subs attracting subs - 1/14/2008 4:54:21 PM

christine1

Posts: 6155
Joined: 12/15/2007
From: i'm headed to HIM...
Status: offline

along with the dominants, i get a lot of female and male submissives that check my profile and mail me...i don't get it, but i've sure met a lot of nice people here and that is never a bad thing!

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He is my Master, my lover, my best friend my everything.

(in reply to adoracat)

Post #: 4

RE: subs attracting subs - 1/14/2008 5:01:01 PM

Tigrita

Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: adoracat

warning, ramble ahead....

i get geek guys attracted to me a lot, especially ones who have trouble expressing themselves. people who tend to be a little bit broken, too. why? i'd say i wasnt sure, but i've had a couple of different answers.

first....i'm soft. oh, not only physically (gods, i'm built for comfort, not speed!) but in my attitude, in how i act towards others, how i speak for the most past... second, i listen. third... i care.

i'm not "threatening". and yes, i have been approached by a few submissives, sometimes its for my screen name in other places (which contains the word "lady") sometimes its because for some ungodly reason, i seem to appear as though i am centered within myself and know what i'm doing. *falls over laughing hysterically*

i think the appearance of knowing who you are and where your feet stand as the world is standing does a lot to attract others. and since that sort of person (submissive) tends to want to find someone who knows what they're doing....it attracts them.

kitten, who is all rambly this evening.

This is exactly what I mean, dead on. Not a ramble at all, all very descriptive of exactly what I'm talking about. So how do I be that person and handle things delicately so that the other does not take it the wrong way? It is often, like you said, the awkward types who usually get overlooked. I love people who don't fit the 'normal' mold and try to get to know people who don't quite fit in, but these kinds of people don't usually get that kind of attention and mistake it for attraction, or latch onto it and become attracted themselves. So how do you handle it?

Note: I just realized my post could be interpreted as attracting subs on CM. I'm not referring to straight sub males contacting any and all females, I deal with that the same as everyone else, especialy due to being listed as a switch, I'm just talking about vanilla guys with submissive personalities that specifically exclude them from my sexual attraction radar.

_____________________________

~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

(in reply to adoracat)

Post #: 5

RE: subs attracting subs - 1/14/2008 6:34:05 PM

sublibrarian

Posts: 96
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

In my vanilla dating I'm always attracting fairly submissive guys. (And one boyfriend I had who was into bdsm was alas, a sub at heart although we switched with each other.... but of course we both really wanted to be the sub!) I recently asked for advice on another forum here because I'm really unsatisfied with sex with my submissive vanilla boyfriend (but loving it with my Dom). I'm glad that I've finally managed to attract a Dom who I click with. But of course the problem remains as to how I manage to get into sex with someone who in some ways is more sub than I am! I love him dearly but boy would he make a Domme happy with the way he's worshipful during sex!

(in reply to Tigrita)

Post #: 6

RE: subs attracting subs - 1/14/2008 10:04:54 PM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tigrita
This is exactly what I mean, dead on. Not a ramble at all, all very descriptive of exactly what I'm talking about. So how do I be that person and handle things delicately so that the other does not take it the wrong way? It is often, like you said, the awkward types who usually get overlooked. I love people who don't fit the 'normal' mold and try to get to know people who don't quite fit in, but these kinds of people don't usually get that kind of attention and mistake it for attraction, or latch onto it and become attracted themselves. So how do you handle it?

Note: I just realized my post could be interpreted as attracting subs on CM. I'm not referring to straight sub males contacting any and all females, I deal with that the same as everyone else, especialy due to being listed as a switch, I'm just talking about vanilla guys with submissive personalities that specifically exclude them from my sexual attraction radar.

how do i handle it? (oh, and i took your post as meaning in person, people being attracted to you)

i let the person finish, and tell them "hon, i'm really sorry, but i'm not looking right now/i'm not looking for anything more than friendship right now". which is true....the last 4 admirers i found when i wasnt looking.

its definitely awkward at times, especially when i feel no attraction to someone other than friendship...fortunately for me most of the ones i'm meeting lately have been online, and so there isnt that "oh dear" that they might wish to take things further.

and if all else fails, Daddy has told me specifically that if someone makes me feel uncomfortable, i can always name-drop him and say i'm not allowed. fortunately for me, i've not had to do that in some time.

satan says its because i'm little and cute and harmless-appearing, and i set off the "white knight" mechanism in people, especially men. and especially men who see that i have the patience to listen to them and get past the exterior to who they really are, and not just the insecurities they hide behind.

kitten, pondering this.

(in reply to Tigrita)

Post #: 7

RE: subs attracting subs - 1/15/2008 12:39:27 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

Oddly I've had a few female submissives approach me wanting to top me where they've never wanted to be outside of their role before. None of them were what I would indentify with as dominant and two were actually friends. I've also had a couple male dominant friends offer to switch for me where they wouldn't normally do that otherwise (which really isn't all that attractive of an offer). I can understand your dilemnia, but I'm not sure you can avoid it. I think in any walk of life eventually friends try to cross the line or don't and you deal with it the best way you can. Often I have found it is an end to the friendship no matter how hard you try. Sometimes it's ended on my part because they won't let it go gracefully. Sometimes on their part because of the rejection. Other times we got through it and laugh about it now. Either way, it sucks and I'm sorry.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 1/15/2008 1:29:54 AM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Tigrita)

Post #: 8

RE: subs attracting subs - 1/15/2008 12:51:59 AM

phear215

Posts: 9
Joined: 5/24/2007
From: illadelph
Status: offline

are the sub guys you attract usually unable to identify themselves? or are they in denial of being submissive? they probably are arrtracted to you not because they feel youre dominant, but more of they feel they have something in common with you and they cant identify what that is. that and with us guys psychological aspects dont usually have much to do with lust....lol. i guess you could take that as compliment?

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thats what the fuck i call a chain reaction.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 9

RE: subs attracting subs - 1/15/2008 12:56:41 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: phear215

are the sub guys you attract usually unable to identify themselves? or are they in denial of being submissive? they probably are arrtracted to you not because they feel youre dominant, but more of they feel they have something in common with you and they cant identify what that is. that and with us guys psychological aspects dont usually have much to do with lust....lol. i guess you could take that as compliment?

How is it a compliment when someone you have established a plutonic relationship with and have no interest in otherwise crosses that line? Do you truly believe lust is flattering when it means a friendship is at stake?

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to phear215)

Post #: 10

RE: subs attracting subs - 1/15/2008 1:02:13 AM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tigrita

. I acknowledged that it probably wasn't coincidence, that there is something that I do or some vibe I put out that makes this so.

True, in psychology, they say you attract people to whom you open up.
I have the same..i asked once a friend that is a shrink.

Do you feel unhappy with it?

(in reply to Tigrita)

Post #: 11

RE: subs attracting subs - 1/15/2008 1:15:30 AM

phear215

Posts: 9
Joined: 5/24/2007
From: illadelph
Status: offline

i know im sorry if it sounded a bit harsh, the people in my environment might be a little different than yours, but if a friend is coming on to you and you have no interest in that happening, say it. a real person knows totake that and make the best of it, especially guys, if a man doesnt want to be your friend anymore because youre not into him, and instead wants to loathe and whine about it or whatever, than just forget em, hopefully they come around. a woman would be a little different, not all women but mostly theyre alot more emotional, a simple no might not be as respectable, but an explanation would be.

but anyway!! yes you take something like that as a compliment, someone is thinking about you that way, which for some people might be alot more than they ever had (im not saying that about anyone in particular, just in general). its always good to know someones thinking about you, thats why we send out christmas cards :).

but what i originally ment to say was that on top of having something in common with these guys, they most likely thought you were hot.

**sorry bout the typos earlier its 4am and im not the soberishist :) **

< Message edited by phear215 -- 1/15/2008 1:17:55 AM >

_____________________________

thats what the fuck i call a chain reaction.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 12

RE: subs attracting subs - 1/15/2008 2:20:10 AM

Muttling

Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline

OP.........Please let me know if you ever figure it out. I can find plenty of nilla dates and plenty of dates that are turned off by my switchey attitude. I am yet to have found a date that really clicks with my submissive AND dominant sides.

I know she is out there and I have had enough failures to know that settling for something else just doesn't work. Please note, I am not looking for the perfect woman.....just the woman who can embrace my vanilla and kink interests. They seem to be in hiding or few n far between.

(in reply to phear215)

Post #: 13

RE: subs attracting subs - 1/15/2008 4:59:29 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

I try to be like adoracat and just ask them to be friends. That dosent go over well a lot of times. Some women dont take rejection very well. I used to try to work around it but now just shrug it off.

(in reply to Muttling)

Post #: 14

RE: subs attracting subs - 1/15/2008 5:00:56 AM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

. Some women dont take rejection very well.

Rejection is never a great feeling of course. For males as well females

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 15

RE: subs attracting subs - 1/15/2008 7:02:36 AM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

To the op.

Be glad that you have a gift-and are able to use it in a positive manner. Simply saying you already have a partner should be enough.

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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Post #: 16

RE: subs attracting subs - 1/15/2008 7:04:40 AM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

I try to be like adoracat and just ask them to be friends. That dosent go over well a lot of times. Some women dont take rejection very well. I used to try to work around it but now just shrug it off.

A woman who would be with me has to match certain creative drives and visions that seem to be rather rare. I just tell them so.

If that is taken as a rejection, so be it-can we help being who we are?

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 17

RE: subs attracting subs - 1/15/2008 7:23:50 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

Women who tend to desire friendship from me tend to have a lot of chaos and drama in their lives, they also tend to be emotionally needy. I tend to think it's their way of trying to achive balance through the friendship (and it's also hard to drain someone emotionally when they have their own drama going on). The two failed relationships in my past were both with very passive men, those who were looking for a partner to drag them through life, I guess

I never thought much about it from a D/s point of view, I'm going to ponder now....

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 18

RE: subs attracting subs - 1/15/2008 9:49:17 AM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

I try to be like adoracat and just ask them to be friends. That dosent go over well a lot of times. Some women dont take rejection very well. I used to try to work around it but now just shrug it off.

A woman who would be with me has to match certain creative drives and visions that seem to be rather rare. I just tell them so.

If that is taken as a rejection, so be it-can we help being who we are?

Agree, that is who you are. IF you would lie, it wouldn't work out anyway sooner or later

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 19

RE: subs attracting subs - 1/15/2008 12:17:32 PM

Tigrita

Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline

Whew, sorry, didn't realize how many hits this got while I was sleeping and then reading/starting other threads.

Thanks for the reply adoracat. These are often very dear friends, so it isn't the casual situation where I just want them to leave me alone and ditch them. And it often doesn't come down to them actually asking me out, but more of a vibe I start feeling from them that it means something different to them than it does to me. And I'm not monogamous, most of my friends know this so I can't just say 'I'm taken' or 'I'm not looking', if it comes to a head it has to be 'I'm not interested in you', which sucks to hear.

_____________________________

~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

(in reply to adoracat)

Post #: 20

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