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Help Help Help - 1/14/2008 4:28:12 PM

FemmeSatine

Posts: 6
Joined: 12/25/2007
Status: offline

Hi A/all ... I need some advice ... Let me explain ...

Basically, I went out with a Dom on fri night to a club ... he is really well known there and demanded that I do not show him up. I promised I wouldnt ...

Most of the evening was fine, but eventually I got so drunk and lost him. I dont remember much more of the evening, but apparently he found me with some others messing about, flirting and being touched etc. He left without me and when i got back to his home, he told me to get my stuff and go.

We have spoken since, and he is willing to give me another chance ... which i am sooo grateful for. But. Here's the but. He wants me to decide what punishment I should get for my behaviour. Depending on what I come up with, determines whether or not i am worthy of his time and efforts and if he wishes to pursue anything further with me.

Now, last time i was punished, i got 2 of the cane. That was 6 weeks ago and i still have the marks. He is a real sadist and is used to dealing with extreme masochists - which i am not. In fact I hate pain and cannot tolerate it at all.

I want to suggest the cane but i know for absolute certain that i could not take more than 2, and if i go to him with my punishment but then cannot complete it, i'll be in an even bigger mess. Would it be appropriate to offer him something off my list of hard limits ?

He has given me no deadline for this, but wants an answer sooner rather than later. What the hell do i do ??

To the Dom/mes out there, if you set this task for your sub, what would you expect of them ? To the subs, what would you offer ?

Thanks to A/all in advance,
Satine x

Post #: 1

RE: Help Help Help - 1/14/2008 4:32:12 PM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

How about telling him you'll never drink again? certainly the root of your problem with his embarassment.

The club that I go to would never allow alcohol. It has no place with edge play.

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 1/14/2008 4:33:29 PM >

(in reply to FemmeSatine)

Post #: 2

RE: Help Help Help - 1/14/2008 4:32:34 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I wish I could advise you, but nothing you describe is anything I would find a healthy sane relationship for myself. I do not understand physical punishments, and do not think they can set right the sort of things that you did wrong. Nor do I understand someone that would make whatever punishment I came up with as a criteria for reestablishing a relationship with me... either they want to work out what is wrong on an adult level, or they do not.

I do not understand any of what you wrote, it sounds rather drama-filled.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to FemmeSatine)

Post #: 3

RE: Help Help Help - 1/14/2008 4:34:54 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I'd say goodbye to him. If he can't figure out what punishment is...I wouldn't want to have to tutor him.
You seem to be not so compatible anyway.

However, if you want him..you need to adhere to his wishes. What does he like? Go with that whatever it is.
Remember everyone here has different kinks, what may be punishment to one isn't to the other.
So, whatever advice you get here may or may not even be pertinent to you.
IF you feel your limits can be bended..go ahead and offer that.

(in reply to FemmeSatine)

Post #: 4

RE: Help Help Help - 1/14/2008 4:35:26 PM

FemmeSatine

Posts: 6
Joined: 12/25/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

How about telling him you'll never drink again? certainly the root of your problem with his embarassment.

The club that I go to would never allow alcohol. It has no place with edge play.

I already promised not to show him up again and that i wont drink next time i go to a club with him.

He just wants me to prove myself to him. To show that i do want to be his ... which i do.

I just dont want to blow all my chances by coming up with something inappropriate or something thats not enough, or worst of all something thats too much that i cant take.

Satine x

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 5

RE: Help Help Help - 1/14/2008 4:36:52 PM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline

I don't understand a few things: Are you His "s" type/ in a relationship with Him?
What exactly did he mean by "don't show him up"? Don't embarrass him or make him look bad?
There is just not enough information here to answer your question...

edited to say: ok I read some of the posts that just came in... You got drunk and embarrassed him at a party for the second (or more) time after he explicitly told you not to?

< Message edited by BossyShoeBitch -- 1/14/2008 4:40:15 PM >

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to FemmeSatine)

Post #: 6

RE: Help Help Help - 1/14/2008 4:39:23 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

He's a sadist... you hate pain.

He's "a" Dom... not "your" Dom.

You want to run this by us again??

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)

Post #: 7

RE: Help Help Help - 1/14/2008 4:40:01 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

Hard limits are hard limits. If they have been established then no, I wouldn't offer that.

However, you did show the man up, in public, and in a big way. I assume he knows that you're not an extreme masochist? If he does, he's not going to expect you to come up with anything extreme and beyond your capabilities. He will most likely be satisfied with something that he knows you are capable of, with a bit extra. Like 3 strokes of the cane.

Does it have to be a pain punishment? Can it be something you really hate doing, like something that makes you sick to think about, like eating the contents of the garbage bin, or eating something foul?

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to FemmeSatine)

Post #: 8

RE: Help Help Help - 1/14/2008 4:41:05 PM

FemmeSatine

Posts: 6
Joined: 12/25/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch

I don't understand a few things: Are you His "s" type/ in a relationship with Him?
What exactly did he mean by "don't show him up"? Don't embarrass him or make him look bad?
There is just not enough information here to answer your question...

Sorry, I'm English, I dont know if that makes things worse.

I'm not really in a D/s relationship with him ... more just sort of "seeing" him which i know is a bit strange for our lifestyle but thats just how it is. I do want to be his full time, but after this error i just have to work harder now.

When i said i was not to "show him up" I meant not embarass him. To be a good sub and behave in a submissive manner. Not to wander off and be found talking and flirting with others.

Satine. x

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)

Post #: 9

RE: Help Help Help - 1/14/2008 4:42:36 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FemmeSatine

He left without me and when i got back to his home

He left you on your own while drunk? Did you drive?

quote:

He wants me to decide what punishment I should get for my behaviour.

Well, I have a bunch of thoughts on this. Personally, I think this is a situation that warrants something other than punishment. I think it needs a long discussion that includes expectations and what happens if those expectations aren't met. I also think it needs a discussion of your motivation at the time.

Next, doesn't sound like he's actually your Dominant, so if that's the case, he doesn't have the right to demand punishment.

And lastly, I think leaving you while you were drunk showed a lack of care on his part. Without knowing the exact situation, driving drunk or leaving you to find you own way back could have had dire results.

quote:

Depending on what I come up with, determines whether or not i am worthy of his time and efforts

Is he worthy of your time? I mean, even at my angriest I'd never leave someone that I consider the merest of friends in that situation.

quote:

To the subs, what would you offer ?

I'd offer him a good long explainantion, conversation and the most sincerest of apologies.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to FemmeSatine)

Post #: 10

RE: Help Help Help - 1/14/2008 4:47:50 PM

LadyLolly

Posts: 140
Joined: 5/21/2005
Status: offline

This is something you are going to have to dig deep within yourself for rather than look to others for a bail out. It was a most greivous offense and indeed, are fortunate that he is willing to reconsider. Were something like this happen to me, I'd look very hard at what was offered up as an indicater of your sincerity and regret. So, dig deep - if you mean it, show it to the very limits of your ability.

It might also help to pledge to either refrain entirely or severely limit your alcohol consumption since it contributed to the offense.

Questions tho, since you attended with him, why was your focus not on finding him when you became separated? Really, why was your focus not on him all along rather than getting soused? Were these the reasons he mentioned reservations about you not making him look bad in the first place? Also, why did it (assuming here) take him so long to notice you were absent and find you? I'm not really looking for answers here, but perhaps these are questions you should be asking yourself.....

(in reply to FemmeSatine)

Post #: 11

RE: Help Help Help - 1/14/2008 4:47:55 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

I think your punishment should be to tell him goodbye.

Seriously, how can we tell you what your punishment should be when your basics don't even match??

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to FemmeSatine)

Post #: 12

RE: Help Help Help - 1/14/2008 4:50:52 PM

FemmeSatine

Posts: 6
Joined: 12/25/2007
Status: offline

Thanks Oside.... he didnt leave me drunk. I dont think he realised i was drunk. I had gone to the toilet and most likely wandered off in my drunken state - but i am apparently one of those people who doesnt appear drunk when i am. And no, I didnt drive, i got a taxi.

With regard to him not being my Dominant, therefore not having the right to demand punishment ... well ... i submit to him ... surely that gives him the impression i want him to act as though he is my Dominant, ie hand out punishments etc.

Its just those early stages of a D/s relatioship whereby all parties are finding their feet and trying to find what works.

Satine x

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 13

RE: Help Help Help - 1/14/2008 4:51:39 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

OG,

I think you nailed it, who would want someone that would leave a person drunk to find a way home on their own. I wouldn't.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 14

RE: Help Help Help - 1/14/2008 4:55:14 PM

FemmeSatine

Posts: 6
Joined: 12/25/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLolly

It might also help to pledge to either refrain entirely or severely limit your alcohol consumption since it contributed to the offense.

Questions tho, since you attended with him, why was your focus not on finding him when you became separated? Really, why was your focus not on him all along rather than getting soused? Were these the reasons he mentioned reservations about you not making him look bad in the first place? Also, why did it (assuming here) take him so long to notice you were absent and find you? I'm not really looking for answers here, but perhaps these are questions you should be asking yourself.....

I already offered not to drink at clubs with him again.

I was drunk and had no recollection of losing him. I probably did look for him but just didnt see him cos i was drunk.
And yes, my focuses should have been on him, rather than getting soused, but i drank more than i intended.
He had reservations in the first place because of his reputation and status at the club - i havent been out with him before.
And the reason he didnt try to find me was apparently because "Its not his job to come looking for me" - which i can sort of understand ...

Satine x

(in reply to LadyLolly)

Post #: 15

RE: Help Help Help - 1/14/2008 4:56:59 PM

arielLorsan

Posts: 2
Joined: 8/4/2007
Status: offline

Femme....IF you submit to Him, then YOU should have NEVER got drunk and did those antics. Only YOU knew the effects of alcohol on yourself. You should have been more aware of the situation, as well as HIS desires...

(in reply to FemmeSatine)

Post #: 16

RE: Help Help Help - 1/14/2008 4:57:39 PM

Kirren

Posts: 580
Joined: 9/5/2007
Status: offline

IN all honesty, if I had a sub that would act out after I had expressed to them NOT to behave in that manner, I would not be so willing to take them out again. Seems to Me that in some way he is setting you up for failure, knowing the person that you are. A good Dom can get into your head and find what makes you work, and use that against you. From what you say, while yes it is drama filled, it is a situation that you need to first apologize for, second make an active effort not to show your ass again ( as you should see your self as an extention of him and what you do reflects on him, so you did embarass him in a group of people that he is well known with and that IS very unacceptable behavior) and third, yes you need to be punished.

I would present to him, since you want to be owned by him, ( which I agree and do not understand, hes a sadist, you arent into pain...so I cant see the longevity of this relationship, and in fact see more issues later on. So again I dont get that. but to each their own...) I would first advise a lengthy, well thought, well written explaination into why, how and all of that, that you messed up, and what you plan to do to make sure that your behavior is corrected at a later date...and yes, you need to be punished. But I do not think that caning would be the answer, as the marks you bear, 6 weeks later, (again, something I, even as a sadist Myself, would frown on...and must be considered.) are some what extream....but yes, you better come up with something good.

I would suggest a public apology, something in the way of going back to said club, dressed scantily, or how ever he would have you dress, as this place and to these people is where the disrespect came into play, and I would also suggest that you would have to beg to even be allowed to do so. I of course, would make you do so kneeling, and bared or as close to it, for all to see, and I would make you debase yourself, as that embarrassment would not even come close to the embarassment that you had caused him in the place of his friends and life style venue. Fact is these people see you as a slut...plainly. You get trashed, you go in and make out with whom ever.

From this mans perspective, you have showed absolute disrespect, and you have showed no loyalty what so ever in your actions, and I can see that you wouldnt be worth the time. So...If I were you...Id come up with something creative to show not just him, but the people that HE KNOWS...that you are better than that, if in fact you are.

Good luck...

_____________________________

Everything has been said before
There's nothing left to say anymore
When it's all the same
You can ask for it by name

Did I fail to mention...I am a BITCH?

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

Post #: 17

RE: Help Help Help - 1/14/2008 5:02:07 PM

Kirren

Posts: 580
Joined: 9/5/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FemmeSatine

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLolly

It might also help to pledge to either refrain entirely or severely limit your alcohol consumption since it contributed to the offense.

Questions tho, since you attended with him, why was your focus not on finding him when you became separated? Really, why was your focus not on him all along rather than getting soused? Were these the reasons he mentioned reservations about you not making him look bad in the first place? Also, why did it (assuming here) take him so long to notice you were absent and find you? I'm not really looking for answers here, but perhaps these are questions you should be asking yourself.....

I already offered not to drink at clubs with him again.

I was drunk and had no recollection of losing him. I probably did look for him but just didnt see him cos i was drunk.
And yes, my focuses should have been on him, rather than getting soused, but i drank more than i intended.
He had reservations in the first place because of his reputation and status at the club - i havent been out with him before.
And the reason he didnt try to find me was apparently because "Its not his job to come looking for me" - which i can sort of understand ...

Satine x

Wow...I think that says it all. You lost him. Didnt go look for him. Were making out with others...Already got trashed once...and did it a second time, then just vanished?

Yeah...I dont see that lasting long at all. I cant see wasting time with some one that cant follow thru and takes their role so lightly as to look to another to solve their issues. Non comittal at best.

_____________________________

Everything has been said before
There's nothing left to say anymore
When it's all the same
You can ask for it by name

Did I fail to mention...I am a BITCH?

(in reply to FemmeSatine)

Post #: 18

RE: Help Help Help - 1/14/2008 5:12:08 PM

SeeksOnlyOne

Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

Most of the evening was fine, but eventually I got so drunk and lost him.

quote:

Its just those early stages of a D/s relatioship whereby all parties are finding their feet and trying to find what works.

those 2 sentences, being from the same person, about the same night, just do not compute in my mind.......i would have to wonder why either of you feel this relationship is worth attempting to salvage.....

in my mind, the first one would cause the second one to be over immediately, whether i was the d or the s......

_____________________________

it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

(in reply to FemmeSatine)

Post #: 19

RE: Help Help Help - 1/14/2008 5:30:07 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

In satine's defence, she is only 22 and obviously pretty new to all this. She may have drunk more than she realised because she was very nervous and come on, let's all be honest, once you ARE pissed, most of us act like complete morons. Sober hindsight's a wonderful thing.

It's no use to keep berating her for what she did, she KNOWS she fucked up already. She wants some advice on how to deal with the situation NOW.

ps. Yes, I took my calm and happy pills this morning. 2 lots.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to SeeksOnlyOne)

Post #: 20

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