RE: Help Help Help

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OsideGirl -> RE: Help Help Help (1/14/2008 8:22:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: angelslave77 Slightly off topic but so what if he left her and she was drinking she is a grown up who did something she was asked not to do(embarassed him), and was getting touchy feely with others. I tell you if my date did that I would hit the road too. Because if he's her Domininant enough to demand punishment, then he should be Dominant enough to take care of her even when the situation isn't all roses. What if someone had mugged her while she made her way back to his house? What if someone had raped her because she was left alone and drunk? Anger can come later. Taking care of the person you came with comes before that.

breatheasone -> RE: Help Help Help (1/14/2008 8:28:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: FemmeSatine He left without me and when i got back to his home He left you on your own while drunk? Did you drive? quote: He wants me to decide what punishment I should get for my behaviour. Well, I have a bunch of thoughts on this. Personally, I think this is a situation that warrants something other than punishment. I think it needs a long discussion that includes expectations and what happens if those expectations aren't met. I also think it needs a discussion of your motivation at the time. Next, doesn't sound like he's actually your Dominant, so if that's the case, he doesn't have the right to demand punishment. And lastly, I think leaving you while you were drunk showed a lack of care on his part. Without knowing the exact situation, driving drunk or leaving you to find you own way back could have had dire results. quote: Depending on what I come up with, determines whether or not i am worthy of his time and efforts Is he worthy of your time? I mean, even at my angriest I'd never leave someone that I consider the merest of friends in that situation. quote: To the subs, what would you offer ? I'd offer him a good long explainantion, conversation and the most sincerest of apologies. What she said...ALL of it....

catize -> RE: Help Help Help (1/14/2008 8:31:09 PM)
I don't quite see how her actions made him 'look bad'. Neither one of them behaved particularly well, but they each are responsible for their own behavior.

YourhandMyAss -> RE: Help Help Help (1/14/2008 8:45:58 PM)
I would come up with house arrest out sode of workfor any one of mine or under my presence who couldn't and or didn't behave at a club. No clubbing no bdsm no socializing no nothing. Just go to work and come home, untill I felt that they had learned going out is a privilage, and can and will be taken away if they abuse it. and I may go out with out them while their on house arrest, that means I'd have to find someone else to be a temporary bottom for my temporary top. quote: ORIGINAL: FemmeSatine Hi A/all ... I need some advice ... Let me explain ... Basically, I went out with a Dom on fri night to a club ... he is really well known there and demanded that I do not show him up. I promised I wouldnt ... Most of the evening was fine, but eventually I got so drunk and lost him. I dont remember much more of the evening, but apparently he found me with some others messing about, flirting and being touched etc. He left without me and when i got back to his home, he told me to get my stuff and go. We have spoken since, and he is willing to give me another chance ... which i am sooo grateful for. But. Here's the but. He wants me to decide what punishment I should get for my behaviour. Depending on what I come up with, determines whether or not i am worthy of his time and efforts and if he wishes to pursue anything further with me. Now, last time i was punished, i got 2 of the cane. That was 6 weeks ago and i still have the marks. He is a real sadist and is used to dealing with extreme masochists - which i am not. In fact I hate pain and cannot tolerate it at all. I want to suggest the cane but i know for absolute certain that i could not take more than 2, and if i go to him with my punishment but then cannot complete it, i'll be in an even bigger mess. Would it be appropriate to offer him something off my list of hard limits ? He has given me no deadline for this, but wants an answer sooner rather than later. What the hell do i do ?? To the Dom/mes out there, if you set this task for your sub, what would you expect of them ? To the subs, what would you offer ? Thanks to A/all in advance, Satine x

swtnsparkling -> RE: Help Help Help (1/14/2008 9:03:02 PM)
Is this guy your dom? or just a friend dom? if not yours - what is the problem- and why on earth would you be getting a punishment? confused[sm=confused.gif]

exogenous -> RE: Help Help Help (1/14/2008 9:56:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FemmeSatine Hi A/all ... I need some advice ... Let me explain ... Basically, I went out with a Dom on fri night to a club ... he is really well known there and demanded that I do not show him up. I promised I wouldnt ... Most of the evening was fine, but eventually I got so drunk and lost him. I dont remember much more of the evening, but apparently he found me with some others messing about, flirting and being touched etc. He left without me and when i got back to his home, he told me to get my stuff and go. We have spoken since, and he is willing to give me another chance ... which i am sooo grateful for. But. Here's the but. He wants me to decide what punishment I should get for my behaviour. Depending on what I come up with, determines whether or not i am worthy of his time and efforts and if he wishes to pursue anything further with me. Now, last time i was punished, i got 2 of the cane. That was 6 weeks ago and i still have the marks. He is a real sadist and is used to dealing with extreme masochists - which i am not. In fact I hate pain and cannot tolerate it at all. I want to suggest the cane but i know for absolute certain that i could not take more than 2, and if i go to him with my punishment but then cannot complete it, i'll be in an even bigger mess. Would it be appropriate to offer him something off my list of hard limits ? He has given me no deadline for this, but wants an answer sooner rather than later. What the hell do i do ?? To the Dom/mes out there, if you set this task for your sub, what would you expect of them ? To the subs, what would you offer ? Thanks to A/all in advance, Satine x There’s a saying, “Anything after ‘but’ is bullshit.” Both parties behaved in uncaring and disrespectful ways, whether or not there was an established D/s dynamic. To drink more than one “intended” and wander off ending up messing around with others would not make the best impression of sincerity toward a possible relationship, D/s or otherwise. There was a promise made to not “show him up”, which implies behavior that would be respectful to him. Yet, for him to leave her behind as he did and then to demand her to pick her own punishment would not exactly inspire confidence or respect in a Dom’s authority of/or control. As to what to do? Forget the punishment, it's not called for as you are not his sub, he is not your Dom. The only thing that can be done is to discuss if you are both sincere in establishing a D/s relationship, defining your expectations, and what it will take to fulfill those expecations.

MissMagnolia -> RE: Help Help Help (1/14/2008 10:27:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kirren quote: ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia Why are you asking me questions about how she feels kirren? Ask her. By the way, as fascinating as you apparently think you are kirren, I was addressing the post to the forum posters, not just you. And no, it is not OUR job to make her feel any worse than she already does, or make her feel how he felt.. She isn't YOUR sub is she? Is he YOUR Dom? Perhaps I came off as being ....catty, and that wasnt MY intention. But your reply was uncalled for. And indeed catty. But thats okay. I know how some peoples kids can be. So...I was, as you were generalizing that I had offered what I had to say about this. Take it or leave it. Makes no difference to Me... Oh...and I dont think Im -that- "fascinating", Nor did I ever state such. So, really, no need to make this a personal attack. I dont see that she does feel bad. I feel that she wants help making her life easier. She needs to be punished. Im not trying to make her feel bad...Im trying to make her THINK... But think of Me what you will..Im okay with that. ;) Again, drop the idea that you are fascinating. I don't think of you at all.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Help Help Help (1/14/2008 10:39:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia And no, it is not OUR job to make her feel any worse than she already does, or make her feel how he felt.. She isn't YOUR sub is she? Is he YOUR Dom? I wish more people had this philosophy on these boards. Kudos to you.

laurell3 -> RE: Help Help Help (1/15/2008 12:13:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MstrssScarlet quote: ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia In satine's defence, she is only 22 and obviously pretty new to all this. She may have drunk more than she realised because she was very nervous and come on, let's all be honest, once you ARE pissed, most of us act like complete morons. Sober hindsight's a wonderful thing. It's no use to keep berating her for what she did, she KNOWS she fucked up already. She wants some advice on how to deal with the situation NOW. ps. Yes, I took my calm and happy pills this morning. 2 lots. I'm glad you took your happy pills. Too bad you did it AFTER suggesting she consume the contents of a garbage bin as a punishment. [:'(] I hesitate to take on young submissives because they are usually very new to the lifestyle and aren't always sure how to behave. Public events can be downright overwhelming. Patience, not punishment, is the key. I've had both good subs and bad. Never, ever would I consider leaving one drunk at an event where they didn't know everyone, especially a young girl. This guy is one of those oh-so-typical fanatics who want to appear as some macho dom with the perfect little slave girl walking two paces behind him while kissing his ass. He's an extreme sadist and you're not. He's SO extreme that he leaves marks that last over a month. Hon, unless you suddenly become an extreme masochist, this relationship is going nowhere. As someone else mentioned, doms (good ones anyway) have a way of getting inside your head. They will sometimes use this to set you up for failure, which I feel he did. Don't mourn over this guy. Make your apologies to whoever you feel necessary and start looking for someone more suited to your style. Ok, go ahead and flame. I don't care. This girl is in a bad situation and if she were standing here in my house, I would tell her exactly what I just said. Mistress Scarlet Yup. Forget the incident in question although I would really watch my alcohol around people I'm just first dating/playing with if I were you OP. We all make mistakes, especially where alcohol is involved and you're young. You need to make decisions about YOU, that's not his job, it's yours and it's your first job always. The first decision you really need to sit down and think about is if someone that leaves marks that last more than a month is really your cup of tea. Honestly, you sound like a match made in hell to me given the descriptions. No punishment in the world or words are going to make that work, hell I'm a masochist and I probably couldn't make that work. Punishment implies he is your Dom and can modify your behavior. He's not and he can't. I don't want to sound harsh but honestly, it seems you are desperate for him to accept you. Why? Stop being desperate and take a good look at what you are getting yourself into here.

LadyLolly -> RE: Help Help Help (1/15/2008 12:20:10 AM)
IMO It was his bad not to keep a closer eye on her, if she was gone longer than expected in a club setting like that - she might have been having a problem and it would have been entirely appropriate and warranted to reassure himself as to her welfare. Leaving her to fend for herself in the state she was in was not good for all the reasons mentioned. Consider though how you might react if you found your "date" boinking others. While it was certainly not the most ethical behavior, I can understand how someone might loose thier cool and walk/storm out, considering they had no further obligation as "protector", that one of her "new playmates" had ursuped and assumed that role. With public transport as it is in Europe, it wasn't like being stranded with no way home like in the states. Several have made the point that as he is not her Dom, he has no right to assign punishment. He didn't. He asked her to choose the/a punishment - IF she wanted a second chance with him. For those that castigate him for NOT assigning a specific punishment, he might have had several reasons for that other than being a weak or non Dom. It might have been for the reason she is not collared by him and he simply chose to offer her the opportunity to show, in the manner she thought appropriate, that she was sorry and deserved a second chance for his consideration. It may be a test for her to demonstrate just how very sorry she is by what she offers to him to prove it. It might be a subtle message that after her behavior she is not worth his effort to come up with an appropriate punishment for her. Or any combination of or all of the above. Some Dominants are artistic like that, tweaking on multiple levels. If he is indeed highly regarded in the community, this is believeably more likely the case than he's just an arrogant, lazy putz. As a sadist myself, I rather like the idea of putting her through the extended torment of having to choose her own punishment. The cane and the carrot with the cane. IF what she chooses is sufficient, she may earn a second chance. Intended to be her personal agonizing which is why I offered no specific suggestions to defeat his (interpreted) intent. On those grounds I would issue a word of caution that if she does come to him with a punishment offering that he does not believe came from her and her alone - her second chance is toast. A case in point. A girl was sent by a friend for training. I have a stroke a minute rule for tardiness. She was told either she could leave then and explain to her Dom why she had been sent away without recieving what she he had sent her for or she could select the cane and accept the consequences. She came back with the tiniest little willow switch I had....... For those that may not understand, the smaller the cane the worse the sting, bite and cut. As my impression was that this was not a fact she was aware of, her intent was obviously to take the smallest amount of correction available Late and a slacker. I very much enjoyed applying the compounded correction. But I'm evil that way....... For those that feel the dynamics won't work because he's hard core sadist and she is not maso: It may be that his interest is primarily D/s and that she is not a pain puppy is not a deal breaker. Nor does "torture" have to be limited to the physical realm. Perhaps he is content to primarily reserve the physical for very effective corrective incentive and/or apply these aspects to others that are more up to the level of what he enjoys. For what ever reason, she wants him. He's willing, for sadistic satisfaction for the offense and/or in her personally enough, to consider extending a second opportunity after this "incident".

DesFIP -> RE: Help Help Help (1/15/2008 5:31:55 AM)
How often do you get this drunk? Do you have an alcohol abuse problem? Were you on any other medication and hadn't read the label warning about alcohol interaction? See, if you were on cold meds or high blood pressure meds and didn't know about the med/alcohol interaction then all you need is education. If you have an alcohol problem, then no punishment will fix it. Going into rehab might, but only if you're ready to change your life and leave your addiction behind. Without a lot more info on why you got blind drunk, none of us can offer any useful suggestions.

Justme696 -> RE: Help Help Help (1/15/2008 5:40:48 AM)
quote: i wont drink next time i go to a club with him. What scared me is that you got drunk and had people touching you. A little drunk can be fun, but you should not let it happen again. Imagine you get married ever, go out with soem friends..and people touch you against you wishes...but you let it happen beeing drunk. It can ruin so much.

camille65 -> RE: Help Help Help (1/15/2008 6:25:15 AM)
A couple of things came to my mind immediately, one is that you know he is a sadist and you have no interest in pain. He is not your dom, but you have interest in him being your dom. If he had the same interest back then IMO he would have kept a closer eye on you during the evening. He gave you a first directive, that of not showing him up at a place he is well known at. You blew it totally to the point where you don't remember much of the night. Now you have a choice of going to him and hoping to offer an appropriate punishment so that he will still consider you as a potential sub of his. Why, why do you want to be his when he is an established and experienced sadist? Do you hope that side of him will be tempered around you because you hate pain? I'm sorry to tell you but that will not change in him and if you hate pain as much as you say you do I don't feel it likely that you will grow to love the sadistic side. It seems that you are hoping for some magic to happen. That if he becomes your dominant then there won't be much pain and certainly not excessive (to you at least) pain. I am unable to understand why you want this relationship and I am unsure if you really know what it means to be with a sadist. Honestly I think you need to withdraw from him with the most humble of apologies and take some time to find out what you want. Several here have said they see a huge gap in compatibility and I agree. I can't come up with a punishment that won't involved pain which you hate because that is the nature of punishment itself. It cannot be something you like, enjoy or tolerate. What happens if you screw up again? If you are not compatible with each other I can say that there is a strong chance of there being another screw up. quote: ORIGINAL: FemmeSatine Hi A/all ... I need some advice ... Let me explain ... Basically, I went out with a Dom on fri night to a club ... he is really well known there and demanded that I do not show him up. I promised I wouldnt ... Most of the evening was fine, but eventually I got so drunk and lost him. I dont remember much more of the evening, but apparently he found me with some others messing about, flirting and being touched etc. He left without me and when i got back to his home, he told me to get my stuff and go. We have spoken since, and he is willing to give me another chance ... which i am sooo grateful for. But. Here's the but. He wants me to decide what punishment I should get for my behaviour. Depending on what I come up with, determines whether or not i am worthy of his time and efforts and if he wishes to pursue anything further with me. Now, last time i was punished, i got 2 of the cane. That was 6 weeks ago and i still have the marks. He is a real sadist and is used to dealing with extreme masochists - which i am not. In fact I hate pain and cannot tolerate it at all. I want to suggest the cane but i know for absolute certain that i could not take more than 2, and if i go to him with my punishment but then cannot complete it, i'll be in an even bigger mess. Would it be appropriate to offer him something off my list of hard limits ? He has given me no deadline for this, but wants an answer sooner rather than later. What the hell do i do ?? To the Dom/mes out there, if you set this task for your sub, what would you expect of them ? To the subs, what would you offer ? Thanks to A/all in advance, Satine x

batshalom -> RE: Help Help Help (1/15/2008 6:47:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MstrssScarlet I happen to disagree with LA. The only wasted apology is one that is not accepted. I've never felt it was a "waste of my time" to have someone apologize to me. At the very worst, it's not accepted and she's embarrassed. Isn't that a form of punishment that doesn't fall within her hard limits??? Mistress Scarlet I see what you're saying and I agree somewhat. An apology would be nice as long as it was one to him, but to drag others into it who don't necessary give a flying f about it or wish to witness it again is where it gets murky for me. If I were one of the people in the peanut gallery (meaning not her Dom and not her) I would think it was ridiculous and it would annoy me to be harangued with it (again) in public. That said though, if the Dom approached me and asked me to be a part of it, gave me a choice, I might feel differently.

MercTech -> RE: Help Help Help (1/15/2008 7:25:26 AM)
There seem to be two separate issues here. A> A submissive that drank herself into the "blotto" state to where she didn't know what she was doing with whom and didn't even remember who she came with at the time. B> A Dom who left a submissive in an unfit state to travel by herself. Said submissive chose to imbibe to excess. Or, is said submissive an alchoholic and unable to control herself around potables? Having been instructed to maintain decorum she chose to imbibe until she lost control of herself and abandoned her Dom to go play with strangers. Questions I would ask: Is this the first time said subbie drank to blackout? (blackout being drunk to the point you don't remember what you did or with whom) If this is not the first time for such behavior, I'd get the hell away and get this person out of my life before their destructive behavior dragged me down as well. I've been there with a date getting drunk to the point they were going wild and refused to go home. It is not a good place to be to feel responsible for a "date" that refuses to have their drunken excesses curbed. If this is a first time for such behavior, I would be very careful of trusting the sub in a public venue where alchohol was served again. I might be convinced to give it another try but it would be a difficult sell. There is probably much more to this tale than has been presented yet. Unless shackled and bound at all times, control is still from within. Submission to direction from another is always a decision. Denial of direction on behavior is denial of the dominants role in a D/s relationship. Sometimes you have to say "it ain't workin" and terminate the relationship. Stefan

YesMistressIrish -> RE: Help Help Help (1/15/2008 7:45:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick He's a sadist... you hate pain. He's "a" Dom... not "your" Dom. You want to run this by us again?? Cali This looks like a real Mis-match. He's a Sadist____You hate pain so where's the 'good' match here? Edited after I read a few more posts: Getting too druk at a BDSM club: Why? And, why wasn't he near you keeping an eye on you. Weren't you under his wing? Punishment could be anything. Is he going to help you with a (possible) drinking problem? good luck, Irish

OmegaG -> RE: Help Help Help (1/15/2008 8:05:05 AM)
On thing I think you should evaluate is why you acted in such a manner when you were so drunk you can't remember (cynical me would wonder if I really did act that way, but that's just me) Alchohol generally frees peoples inhibitions and they generally do what they would desire to do sober but have the sense not to. The fact that when you are drunk you wander away and flirt with others might be your sign that subconsiously you don't really want to be with him.

Kitte9 -> RE: Help Help Help (1/15/2008 9:23:01 AM)
quote: He wants me to decide what punishment I should get for my behaviour. Depending on what I come up with, determines whether or not i am worthy of his time and efforts and if he wishes to pursue anything further with me. If you ask somwone to help with this and he wants you to come up with it, isn't that cheating? quote: Now, last time i was punished, i got 2 of the cane. That was 6 weeks ago and i still have the marks. He is a real sadist and is used to dealing with extreme masochists - which i am not. In fact I hate pain and cannot tolerate it at all. have you considered you may not be the best match? I don't mean to be disrespectful, but honestly, if he enjoys what you cannot tolerate, that should be a red flag in my opinion. At the very least I feel you should talk to him about this.

FemmeSatine -> RE: Help Help Help (1/15/2008 1:05:55 PM)
Thank you to all who have posted. I have now decided what actions to take. And no I dont have a drink problem lol - in fact I rarely drink (which could be why I got so bad). Im just a 22 yr old going out and (stupidly) drinking too much. Thanks again to all Satine x

EvilynCarnate -> RE: Help Help Help (1/15/2008 1:37:41 PM)
I'm new... but my opinion is... asign a punishment for yourself that you believe is desereved. If you think it was such a bad episode you owe him the cane (but can't take it...) tell him that. If you are willing to take it and offer a promise to nto do it again then do so. If he is a huge sadist and you are not the biggest masochist then ask yourself. "Will this just become a problem over and over again?" Then maybe you are better of giving up on the relationship. Anyway that's my two cents. :) Hope you firgure it all out.

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