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This really frustrates me - 1/14/2008 7:56:26 PM   
angelslave77


Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		Since we seem to be being good little soldiers and not hijacking threads  I thought I would put this here, and I have no doubt it has been done before, but too bad I say, I am going to have a whinge anyway.

The term "topping from the bottom" fuck me seven ways from Sunday that fucking term drives me nuts. And to avoid confusion what I am speakingof here is those "weal and twue," relationships where the parties are,or believe they are "in love" or "collared" or "owned" or whatever term you want to use here.

If a person has a real and genuine need within a relationship then discussing it with the Dominant is never topping from the bottom  and yet so often the questions phrased are "how do I tell my Dom blah blah without topping from the bottom". Answer is simple you just fucking tell him, and if he thinks you are topping from the bottom he is probably an arrogant ass not worth your time.

Communication is vital in any relationship and reguardless of what we identify as Dom/sub ect we are first and foremost human beings, and as such we form relationships and no matter how you define that relationship, if you want it to be healthy you need to communicate.

What the Dom does with the info is of course entirely at thier discresion and whether you can live with the desicion becomes another post entirely. 


                                  angel
     (who appears to have gotten out of the wrong side of bed this morning)
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: This really frustrates me - 1/14/2008 8:01:28 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		I agree, angel... when I say "I need x"... it's not topping from the bottom...I am simply making my needs/wants/desires known.

I've ended a few potential relationships over that... if the so-called dominant/top feels threatened by my speaking up about these things, then he's not going to be able to handle me in other aspects of any relationship.

(in reply to angelslave77)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: This really frustrates me - 1/14/2008 8:07:20 PM   
takenbyjohnr07


Posts: 787
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		We don't use labels like that. We communicate our needs, wants and desires. We are a normal every day couple.

_____________________________

i am the sole property of Johnr. He is the love of my life and the greatest Owner and i will live to serve and, please him only every day of my life.

(in reply to GreedyTop)
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RE: This really frustrates me - 1/14/2008 8:10:23 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		Daddy ALWAYS wants to know how i'm feeling, and what makes me happy. He would be HIGHLY upset if I kept something from Him that I needed, wanted...or bothered me.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to takenbyjohnr07)
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RE: This really frustrates me - 1/14/2008 8:13:29 PM   
piercedntattooed


Posts: 43
Joined: 3/10/2005
Status: offline 		i dont believe it is topping from the bottom when i tell my Master what i need or desire
whether He chooses to take action is completely up to Him, He has the final say so afterall
but i dont have to mention what i need or desire often at all, He takes care of it
i just think it is communication, letting each other know what they want
if You cant be open and honest then what do you have really

(in reply to takenbyjohnr07)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: This really frustrates me - 1/14/2008 8:14:48 PM   
weneedyourhelp


Posts: 118
Joined: 12/16/2007
Status: offline 		Speaking as a Dom, I treasure kitten's input in every aspect of our relationship. I would never even think to make such an accusation as "topping from the bottom". After all we are in this to find out and experience things that we BOTH want to, as I suspect most people are. At least that's the way I thought it was supposed to be. And not to hi-jack by any means....but What the Fuck is all this bs with the Barbara Walters impressions anyway?.......That can tend to get a little annoying.

Cougar

_____________________________

" You become responsible forever for what you have tamed." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Man is still man, and even frozen in a block of ice, our singular purpose is still to get a nut.

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: This really frustrates me - 1/14/2008 8:25:06 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		My Daddy thinks not telling him important information is topping from the bottom. He believes that if I decide what to and what not to tell him about my feelings then I am taking his role. Giving informatrion is not topping from the bottom.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to angelslave77)
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RE: This really frustrates me - 1/14/2008 8:28:40 PM   
littlebitxxx


Posts: 732
Status: offline 		Huzzah! 
Agree with you entirely.

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to angelslave77)
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RE: This really frustrates me - 1/14/2008 8:33:53 PM   
Muttling


Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		I don't know how to answer you angelslave77.


I enjoy submission and take GREAT pleasure in pleasing women.   However, I am not a slave and do not look for another to manage my life for me.  


This detail has caused a LOT of problems in my finding a mate.   I don't want a vanilla woman, but I'm not into 24/7 submission either.   I have been told that many others seek what I desire, but I have yet to find them.    It is a hard existance, but sacraficing one self in the name of creating a relationship is a recipe for disaster.    (Trust me, I have tried.)



I wish I had a simple answer for you, but all I have are more questions.  I wish you well in your search.


Respectfully Yours,

Mutt

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: This really frustrates me - 1/14/2008 8:35:35 PM   
Tigrita


Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Bravo, I totally agree.  The term kind of annoys me too, as I think it is overused and, as you describe, often misinterpreted/misapplied in my opinion.  It makes people afraid to communicate.  That said, I think there is a difference between respectful communication of your needs, and telling someone how to do their job.  I think of it as how you might communicate with your boss, or someone in a position who deserves reverence.  You don't tell them how to do their job.  You give them information, tell them that such and such is necessary in order for you to perform your function effectively.  Of course it can be phrased more intimately than that, but the bottom line is you aren't telling them what to do, you are telling them how you are, and how their actions or other circumstances affect you, and possibly suggesting alternatives, and letting them decide.  It is irresponsible, possibly passive agressive, and unconducive to the dynamic to withold such information.  I think it is vitally important for a dominant to be aware of this to, to actively think about and ask how his actions and decisions will affect thier partner, for both to learn about eachother and grow.  

_____________________________

~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

(in reply to takenbyjohnr07)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: This really frustrates me - 1/14/2008 8:56:28 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelslave77

If a person has a real and genuine need within a relationship then discussing it with the Dominant is never topping from the bottom  and yet so often the questions phrased are "how do I tell my Dom blah blah without topping from the bottom". Answer is simple you just fucking tell him, and if he thinks you are topping from the bottom he is probably an arrogant ass not worth your time.


Quite often, it's not what someone says, but how they say it. To come to the forums to get some examples or advice on an issue of communication that someone might not be comfortable discussing, might never have had to discuss before or might not know that it's okay to discuss provides feedback that helps them take the step to actually go to their partner and discuss it.

quote:

Communication is vital in any relationship and reguardless of what we identify as Dom/sub ect we are first and foremost human beings, and as such we form relationships and no matter how you define that relationship, if you want it to be healthy you need to communicate.


I agree, of course, and it seems simple enough to put that thought into a post and hit send. I'm not sure why you're so bent out of shape. People from all walks of life come into BDSM and many are uncertain if there are 'rules' to follow so they ask here. If their preconceived notions don't include the fact it's okay to communicate when they need to, it takes just a few posts in the fora to dispell that notion.

Celeste


_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to angelslave77)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: This really frustrates me - 1/14/2008 9:34:10 PM   
Siona


Posts: 242
Joined: 10/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelslave77

The term "topping from the bottom" fuck me seven ways from Sunday that fucking term drives me nuts. And to avoid confusion what I am speakingof here is those "weal and twue," relationships where the parties are,or believe they are "in love" or "collared" or "owned" or whatever term you want to use here.

If a person has a real and genuine need within a relationship then discussing it with the Dominant is never topping from the bottom  and yet so often the questions phrased are "how do I tell my Dom blah blah without topping from the bottom". Answer is simple you just fucking tell him, and if he thinks you are topping from the bottom he is probably an arrogant ass not worth your time.

Communication is vital in any relationship and reguardless of what we identify as Dom/sub ect we are first and foremost human beings, and as such we form relationships and no matter how you define that relationship, if you want it to be healthy you need to communicate.

What the Dom does with the info is of course entirely at thier discresion and whether you can live with the desicion becomes another post entirely.  



Those have been my thoughts also.

(in reply to angelslave77)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: This really frustrates me - 1/14/2008 9:45:13 PM   
angelslave77


Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: weneedyourhelp

but What the Fuck is all this bs with the Barbara Walters impressions anyway?.......That can tend to get a little annoying.

Cougar


Hi thanks for your imput and not being a smart ass here by any means but I am not sure what you mean by this statement (cultural barrier perhaps).

(in reply to weneedyourhelp)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: This really frustrates me - 1/14/2008 9:56:34 PM   
angelslave77


Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		Thanks to all for your input, I was more or less just having a whinge after opening yet another topping from the bottom post.

But I do love reading the responses of others.

Muttling thanks for the well wishes, I am very lucky that I have found a person who understands and accepts me and we have a great relationship that we are both growing in, I guess a part of me worries a little for those who settle for relationships that are less than they are after, and questions such as  this am I topping ect seem to reflect that.

And I agree with those who said it is in how you say it that is very true.

Celeste to by honest I dont know why it frustrates me either, I think it just seems to be because it  lacks common sense, like people label themself as something ie submissive and then think they give up basic rights of communication or label themselves Dom and feel they can take those rights away from another (which to my borders on abusive) any way it was just my view and just a vent, not aimed at any particular post or person just something I have noticed as a fairly common theme.


(in reply to angelslave77)
Profile   Post #: 14
Communicating is one thing..... - 1/14/2008 10:59:11 PM   
MistressVnus


Posts: 1036
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Central Florida
Status: offline 		however, finding your Dominant's buttons and pushing them for a desired response IS and ALWAYS WILL BE topping from the bottom.
Perhaps you might have better benefitted from asking more about what the term meant before deiciding it was undescernable.
For example...a SAM is someone who tops from the bottom.
Someone who is trying to control the outcome through manipulation and subtle or covert actions.
Where intentions are NOT open communication, rather...downright manipulation.
An experienced Dominant with good perceptions and a little bit of slave psychology 101 will spot it and stop it.
How can a Dominant take you on an exciting roller coaster ride...or journey...if you are calling the shots.  Subliminally or not.
At some point you have to trust the Dominant's ability to take you on that journey.  To push your limits and expand your horizons and to fulfill all those fantasies you have shared and "communicated" about. 
I can understand you not liking the term "topping from the bottom"  For me, it is not the term I despise...it is the action, itself.
I hope that helps.


_____________________________

In the ties that bind,
Mistress Venus
http://www.mistressvenus.com

"I'm not IN the lifestyle. The lifestyle is in Me!"

(in reply to angelslave77)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Communicating is one thing..... - 1/14/2008 11:27:22 PM   
angelslave77


Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		Mistress Venus  I totally agree some people do it simply to get there own way but to me that is not submission (but thats a whole other post ). I specifically mean when I person comes on here to ask a question about should I tell my Dom I am feeling this or that or I need this or that , things that just seems out and out common sense, I just in my ever so humble opinion dont see that as anything more than communicating. Obviously some will manipulate even the most innocent of situations but it wasnt really them I meant.

The more I think on it the more I think the lack of common sense in some of these questions  sometimes goes hand in hand with the romantacising issue, I also believe some enter D/s BDSM the lifestyle or whatever you want to call it and check reality at the door. That is what is at the core of my frustration after all a relationship however you label it is just an interaction between two or more people and in any relationship there needs to be a basis of honesty, trust and communication no matter what else is going on.


Or hell maybe I am just an attention whore trying to get my post count up

(in reply to MistressVnus)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: This really frustrates me - 1/14/2008 11:53:31 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		I agree it's used way too often.  However, consider the source of those that you see use it often.  As long as your D type doesn't follow the me tarzan you jane approach to communication, who cares what others think, right?   I often wonder if the people that spout that dogma have ever actually spoken to another real live human being

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to angelslave77)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: This really frustrates me - 1/15/2008 12:05:02 AM   
angelslave77


Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		see  laurell now ya got me thinking about muscular men in loin cloths hmmmm


edited because my keyboard keeps eating my k's)

< Message edited by angelslave77 -- 1/15/2008 12:06:34 AM >

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: This really frustrates me - 1/15/2008 12:08:35 AM   
MissMagnolia


Posts: 3636
Status: offline 		Fuck it. Me too!! Laurell, you're an evil wench. Good job I adore ya.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.


(in reply to angelslave77)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: This really frustrates me - 1/15/2008 12:15:10 AM   
angelslave77


Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		Sets about derailing my own thread just for shits and giggles

feel free to join in

(in reply to MissMagnolia)
Profile   Post #: 20
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