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Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 10:02:22 AM

pollux

Posts: 657
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline

Had an interesting exchange with a CollarMe dominant woman the other night. In order to keep the post short, I'll omit the details, but suffice it to say that it eventually became clear that the lady I was speaking to had some issues to work out. This is fine -- we all do -- but what bothered me was that it seemed to me she was hiding from them under the cloak of her self-professed "Dominance".

So, my question to everyone is this:

How do you (personally) guard against allowing your scene identity (D/s) to slip into some sort of pathology? For Dom(me)s, how do you guard against just becoming an ordinary spiteful or sadistic bastard (or bitch) with control issues? For subs, how do you guard against slipping into patterns of passivity or self-destruction or harmful self-denial?

Where's the line for you? How do you know when you've crossed it? How confident are you that your D/s identity is "who you are" and not just a symptom of further growth or work you have to do on your own personality?

Post #: 1

RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 10:16:23 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pollux
How do you (personally) guard against allowing your scene identity (D/s) to slip into some sort of pathology?

First of all, my dominance is embedded in my personality, since a very young age. It is not a scene identity. It is who I am. I don’t separate myself into my vanilla part and my D/s part. I am a whole integrated person and all of my facets are intertwined at the core.

I don't treat those who submit to me as property or a means to an end. They are usually people I am quite fond of, who I am friends with and who sometimes I love. I treat them with the respect and dignity that I would any of my friends. With this, I have learned that when their need is to feel my power and my need is to exert it, that it can be a very wonderfully mutually fulfilling thing.

I also stay away from pure scening. I’ve had a few purely physical scene but they are very rare occasions. I need an emotional connection to be with someone. Granted, I can be emotionally connected to many at once and on different levels. But I need to feel that there is something there that binds us, if only for a brief time. I stay away from boys looking for Dominas, who offer to serve me without even knowing anything about me other then that I’m a strong Domme and that I’m hot. I follow my instincts to stay away from predators and I don’t make exceptions for any of them.

And most importantly, I don’t give a flying fajita what anyone’s opinion of what right or wrong D/s or BDSM is about. I go about it the way it’s right for me. I really don’t care how the way I chose to live out my life and relationships is perceived by others. I will gather opinions when I’m trying to figure stuff out but I always use my judgement in evaluating the opinion.

I find these are the ways I’ve prevented myself from becoming bitter and resentful. It's all about being proactive and following your instincts.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to pollux)

Post #: 2

RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 10:52:32 AM

MsPurrmeow

Posts: 261
Joined: 10/30/2004
Status: offline

Good questions pollux.

Angelika pretty much wrote what I would write about myself and my relationships. It's integrated, it's a package deal, and it's relationship-oriented. I don't have a persona for the scene, or even a different name for the scene. I AM.

That being said, there are ways that everyone can "check themselves" for honesty at times. We do need to watch ourselves to make sure we are healthy and growing and even happy.
There are questions we can ask ourselves to figure out where things are coming from in our heads. A quick identifier is certain emotions. One of those is Anger. Just about any time we are angry about an action, at another person, or about a situation, there is usually something underneath that needs to be dealt with. Quite often it is fear. Fear of making a mistake, fear of ending up alone, or fear of being hurt. Mostly we can to keep asking if we are really being honest with ourselves, and tell the truth.

I do see a lot of people out in the BDSM world that are using personas or the D/s labels because they don't want to face what's really inside. Some don't want to admit that they are terrified of other people, others don't want to admit that theyare desperately lonely and need other people. They use the D and s labels to manipulate others into believing that they are something that they cannot show through their own actions. Some even think that it's a free ticket to be shitty to other people. this is true of the vanilla world, too. It's not exclusive to this site, or BDSM at all.

It comes down to time, patience and honesty. If you are getting the feeling that someone is not being honest, face them with it. Use the big words. Even submissives have a right to question people and expect an honest answer. (I say that only because so many have said that they don't feel they can.) Any person who uses the terms "need", "desperate", "can't live without" should be held at arms length. Anyone who thinks that anger is a good reason to do anything should cause some caution.

This is life, it's may have some differences between it and the mainstream way of doing things, but it's just like anywhere else. Be cautious, watch out for desperate and angry people. Communicate clearly and often. Be honest and expect it in return. You'll see through a lot of people. Just say goodbye and move on to the next one. Maybe you can be or make a friend in the process, but know them at face value before getting closer.

Good luck.

Purr

(in reply to pollux)

Post #: 3

RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 11:28:10 AM

ElektraUkM

Posts: 309
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline

I've always been someone who wanted to please... it's just that I think I've finally found someone who actually values that characteristic of mine. He doesn't exploit me, mock me, take me for granted (in a negative way); and it doesn't (for once) cause 'issues' in a relationship I'm having.

I don't want to 'cure' it... I want to exploit it and enjoy it. Or, put another way, I just want to be me.

~ Elektra

(in reply to MsPurrmeow)

Post #: 4

RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 11:28:59 AM

LadyShoshin

Posts: 492
Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pollux

Had an interesting exchange with a CollarMe dominant woman the other night. In order to keep the post short, I'll omit the details, but suffice it to say that it eventually became clear that the lady I was speaking to had some issues to work out. This is fine -- we all do -- but what bothered me was that it seemed to me she was hiding from them under the cloak of her self-professed "Dominance".

So, my question to everyone is this:

How do you (personally) guard against allowing your scene identity (D/s) to slip into some sort of pathology? For Dom(me)s, how do you guard against just becoming an ordinary spiteful or sadistic bastard (or bitch) with control issues? For subs, how do you guard against slipping into patterns of passivity or self-destruction or harmful self-denial?

Where's the line for you? How do you know when you've crossed it? How confident are you that your D/s identity is "who you are" and not just a symptom of further growth or work you have to do on your own personality?

I agree, this is an excellent question, I also agree with the other 2 replies you have had so far.

I don't have a "scene identity", what you see is what you get. I have a well rounded personality, my shamanic spirituality cannot be seperated out into its components any more than my D/s can be. The song "I am a Bitch" says it best If you can't remember the lyrics, do a web search on "Lyrics I Am A Bitch".

I don't play angry and while I can be Super Bitch Domme, everyone knows that is me pretending and that I will probably dissolve into a fit of giggles because I can't take myself seriously in that mode.

When I am being strong and in control outside of D/s context, that is not me slipping into pathology, that is me being me in response to a situation that needs me to be strong.

Finding a supportive D/s community where I earned respect by being myself, being consistent and honest has been invaluable in assisting my personal growth, so has finding a marvellous Shaman to teach me more about my spirituality.

I am sure there are people like you describe out there, I have run into a few, but that is their life and I give them a cordial, yet wide berth. The vast majority of the folks I know who live the lifestyle have a very healthy understanding of their own personality and capabilities.

_____________________________

PHLOX: “It’s unethical for a doctor to cause harm...I can inflict as much pain as I like.”

(in reply to pollux)

Post #: 5

RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 11:56:05 AM

lonewolf05

Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

if i knew what you were talking about it would help.

how about putting this in simple language i can understand instead of going the long way around the barn?

wolf

< Message edited by lonewolf05 -- 8/28/2005 1:44:05 PM >

_____________________________

"there is no gravity, life sucks!"

(in reply to pollux)

Post #: 6

RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 12:35:47 PM

Kasia

Posts: 442
Joined: 6/25/2005
From: The Coast of Adria
Status: offline

My husband has different melodies on his cell phone so he always knows by the sound who is calling. The one for me is "The Bitch"

. Actually I like that song very much. (I have "Toxic" for him).

But do you think I would have a husband (or any relationship at all) if I was that bitchy?
Like the ladies already said - I dont have multiple personalities for "the scene" or for anything else. I am what I am and I am that person all the time.

I controll myself not to get too moody (I tend to get into really nasty sadistic mood when I get up from my afternoon nap) and balance my life altogether the best I can. I guess we all do that, being dominant or submissive or just anything else.

< Message edited by Kasia -- 8/28/2005 12:36:16 PM >

_____________________________

I DO have profile - just lost an S somewhere along the way

Kassia

(in reply to lonewolf05)

Post #: 7

RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 12:41:27 PM

harmony3709

Posts: 292
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pollux

For subs, how do you guard against slipping into patterns of passivity or self-destruction or harmful self-denial?

Where's the line for you? How do you know when you've crossed it? How confident are you that your D/s identity is "who you are" and not just a symptom of further growth or work you have to do on your own personality?

I know this may sound glib, but for me it was truly a matter of just feeling right or feeling wrong. I had one relationship that after less than three months, although there was no fighting, no obvious signs (at least to me) that it was more of a matter of being involved with a control freak who was just plain lazy instead of a dominant, I found myself going through the motions of serving and asking myself, why am I doing this? The relationship ended shortly after that.

From the time I met my Master, I have never ONCE asked myself, why am I doing this........and the only question I now ask is, what more can I do to serve him or how better can I serve him?

So specifically regarding the question addressed to submissives, listen to your instincts and if you find yourself making excuses for yourself or for your Dom/me regarding behavior that feels detructive or harmful to you, or questioning it, it is likely there is a reason for that. As much as it takes strength to submit, it sometimes takes even more strength to stop.

Blessed be,
harmony

(in reply to pollux)

Post #: 8

RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 12:53:47 PM

NakedOnMyChain

Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline

I can honestly say that I've never really had any problems slipping into destructive submissive behavior. I simply am myself, in and out of scene, and if others don't like it, I don't get too worried. This is who I am, and I'm very happy with it.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to pollux)

Post #: 9

RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 1:16:56 PM

pollux

Posts: 657
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline

Just want to clarify something real quick...

In reference to "scene identity" or "D/s identity", those are just the terms I used to describe whatever we call ourselves here at CollarMe (female dom, female sub, male dom, male sub, male/female switch, TV/TS/TG, whatever). I didn't mean to imply that it was merely a persona for some people, or somehow separate from someone's vanilla identity, or that it only applied during a scene.

Maybe I should've said, "whatever it is we call ourselves".

(in reply to pollux)

Post #: 10

RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 1:52:03 PM

dominmd

Posts: 474
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Well, I am just me when I go to a munch or in the case of yesterday, my first play party. I am the same in person as I am online. So are several others from this forum, that I have had the pleasure to meet and converse with in real time. I insist on being called by my first name, Chris when at a munch or anywhere else. "Hey you" will suffice if it is coming from someone that I know well since there are way too many names to remember.

I have not played into my sub role when in public, yet. My name is still the same, or very similar, but it is an issue of my mindset when a scene begins. Last night I was dominant, but since I am a more sensual dominant, people could have been confused if they did not already know me. Lately a sub mindset just is not happening even though I want it too. I am stuck in Dom mode right now, which I guess you could say is my default. But I am still Chris.

(in reply to pollux)

Post #: 11

RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 1:52:08 PM

MsIncognito

Posts: 742
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pollux

How do you (personally) guard against allowing your scene identity (D/s) to slip into some sort of pathology? For Dom(me)s, how do you guard against just becoming an ordinary spiteful or sadistic bastard (or bitch) with control issues? For subs, how do you guard against slipping into patterns of passivity or self-destruction or harmful self-denial?

How? By not having a separate 'scene identity.' When I'm playing, at a party or other BDSM event I'm myself. I don't have a 'scene name' or 'scene personna.' I avoid the schism by not creating it in the first place.

(in reply to pollux)

Post #: 12

RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 1:52:32 PM

lonewolf05

Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pollux

Just want to clarify something real quick...

In reference to "scene identity" or "D/s identity", those are just the terms I used to describe whatever we call ourselves here at CollarMe (female dom, female sub, male dom, male sub, male/female switch, TV/TS/TG, whatever). I didn't mean to imply that it was merely a persona for some people, or somehow separate from someone's vanilla identity, or that it only applied during a scene.

Maybe I should've said, "whatever it is we call ourselves".

How confident are you that your D/s identity is "who you are" and not just a symptom of further growth or work you have to do on your own personality?

================
******try this again.
i am always Her boy. the only issue actually is separating my normal vanilla macho alpha male self from the more docile slave self......
but THAT is an everyday issue.......you WILL find many many posts "I" make FROM my alpha side........NOT my slave side.

wolf

_____________________________

"there is no gravity, life sucks!"

(in reply to pollux)

Post #: 13

RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 2:32:28 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I didn't mean to imply that it was merely a persona for some people, or somehow separate from someone's vanilla identity, or that it only applied during a scene.

Maybe I should've said, "whatever it is we call ourselves".

I took it as "whatever it is we call ourselves". To be honest, I use the word Domme because it makes things easier but in essence, I don't purely identify with Domme as, and much the same way it is with every label, it is loaded with implications and stereotypes that I don't identify with.

I think so far the responses that you've gotten are in general pretty good. I particularly like MsPurrmeow's "check" technique. I do that too in every aspect of my like. I think self-evaluation/analysis is a very important step in self-actualisation.

And as LadyShoshin said, it is important not to play angry. We need to see this aspect of our sexuality as a positive experience where we can channel our power and control, not let it get all out of control.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to pollux)

Post #: 14

RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 3:35:07 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pollux
How do you (personally) guard against allowing your scene identity (D/s) to slip into some sort of pathology?

I don't. They don't really have anything to do with eachother.

quote:

For Dom(me)s, how do you guard against just becoming an ordinary spiteful or sadistic bastard (or bitch) with control issues?

HOw do submissives? I've seen far more subs with control issues than doms.

quote:

For subs, how do you guard against slipping into patterns of passivity or self-destruction or harmful self-denial?

I've seen tons of doms do this also. ANd the answer is no different than someone who is vanilla- awareness of self, understanding of one's insecurities and working through them openly.

quote:

Where's the line for you? How do you know when you've crossed it?

When it prevents me from having healthy stable relationships.

quote:

How confident are you that your D/s identity is "who you are" and not just a symptom of further growth or work you have to do on your own personality?

For some you can't. But it doesn't really matter IMO what's the cause. As long as they are being honest about it and trying to work on it, it's ok.

And it's not that hard to spotand avoid the ones who aren't.

(in reply to pollux)

Post #: 15

RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 3:36:55 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dominmd
Last night I was dominant, but since I am a more sensual dominant, people could have been confused if they did not already know me. Lately a sub mindset just is not happening even though I want it too. I am stuck in Dom mode right now, which I guess you could say is my default. But I am still Chris.

You were delightful last night. I didn't take you as dominant or submissive, just open and getting to know people, helping out and learning.

(in reply to dominmd)

Post #: 16

RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 3:55:51 PM

Shayna

Posts: 205
Joined: 1/16/2005
Status: offline

I'm so just "me". If I put on a front, or acted like I had a split personality, my friends would immediately call me on it. Off line, I always use my real name. "Shayna" is a placeholder for my real name; not a name for part of me. I'm not sure I'd even respond to it if someone called me that.

I've spent plenty of time in my life figuring out who I am and what I want; I don't worry about shape-shifting into Domme From Hell.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 17

RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 7:14:01 PM

subversiveone

Posts: 332
Joined: 4/20/2005
From: Daddy's Lap
Status: offline

at the risk of sounding foolish, i've toyed around with several aspects of my subversive personality and had the pleasure (and pain) of very diverse partners along the way.
for me, becoming the victim was the most destructive persona. oh boy is it easy to go there, lemme tell ya...
i resent the passive aggressive types who actually want to see me go dominant on their ass ;) i don't enjoy that whatsoever. none of these are specific 'scene' related ones mind you, just things that come out in D/s relationships.
now i get to play the daughter and i love it! i slide right into it at the drop of a hat and i can go pretty far with it safely. it gives me the space to please in a way that i yearn for where there is no doubt that im appreciated. negatives? whining, brattiness, pouting... but even then- that's allowed and everyone needs a little release like that.
i don't take myself too seriously so anything childlike is fresh and sincere. codependent? no. im still me, still an adult, still responsible even in character.

_____________________________

[img]http://www.sloganizer.net/en/style4,de-spc-de-spc-dee.png[/img]

(in reply to Shayna)

Post #: 18

RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 9:20:39 PM

brightspot

Posts: 3052
Status: offline

I don't know if this is something that pertains to your questions, but I will share what I struggle with.

I, outside of my relationship, out interacting with people in the world, I project a Dominant personality. This has to do with having to survive in a dysfunctional and abusive family of origin. I was forced to project a fiece Dominant personality in order to protect myself and literally my life at times.

But being a Dominant personality is far from what I feel inside with my desire to be totally submissive in a personal relationship.
I am learning to come into being my submissive self and am getting better at not feeling I have to defend and distance myself from thee outside world in order to feel safe.
It is not an easy transformation and is hard to just let myself be me(submissive) and feel safe.

An example would be; I go out to the store or maybe even better yet a automotive or hardware store, and before I enter, I just automatically jump into my pseudo Dominant role just so I feel like I won't be taken advantage of. I am learning that I can be me which is submissive and that dosen't make me weak and/or stupid.
Now, say MsN and I were to go to the same store, I easily remain in my submissiveness, knowing my Domina has the Dominant power I need to feel safe and secure.
It is amazing how freeing that feels, to not have to feel like I need to put on a false front in order to deal with people, especially men(no offence men, it is connected to my past, not my present) and know I can just be me in the moment.

MsN and I are working towards finding my strength in my submissiveness, and realizing it takes a very strong person to totally give themselves to another and that that can help me gain strength in beliving I will be okay, just as I am.
Also it is calming to know that if anyone were to mess with me, they would have to deal with her Wrath.

I hope I made so kind of sense here?

*Brightspot

_____________________________

"Comedy is NOT Pretty!" ~Peter Nelson

But..."May at Least One person have a sense of Humor!" ~KML.

http://360.yahoo.com/my_profile-TD4TwEw8crWS3GHFDcs_DK1rHmW6Dq_E;_ylt=Av2PfG9gH0wkQrMPivuMCivGAOJ3

(in reply to pollux)

Post #: 19

RE: Questions about your D/s scene identity - 8/28/2005 11:05:20 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

mmmmm you of course assuming the person isn't nuts in the first place.

So I answer your questions with the assumption that I am of mentally sound mind, thou I have never been actually tested for it. I still could be nuts.

First. I don't guard myself from being myself. I am who I am! I don't see myself as any specfic label like Dom or Master and the like. I am me! Me happens to have many aspects... Master, Dad, son, brother, employee and boss, friend, citizen and the list goes on. These labels of course are relationship specific, some labels can be seen that relate to my needs and wants and then to my personality. Like Determined, Passionate, Lustful, preceptive or even harsh and insensitive to name a few. A person is a complex thing.

As I seen in other posts, everyone can have control issues or get into self-destructive behaviors.. you don't have to be Dom or sub for any specific problems... just be human and you get the full opportunity to be as screwed as anyone can be. But then one can also be as happy as anyone can be... and that is the ticket for me. I am driven to be a better Me.... a Better Me is not about changing me... its about being self-aware of who I am. self-aware that takes in account from what perspective I am viewing myself from. is it from my relationship or my needs or my character/virtures or my values or whatever. I seek to improve it from that paritcular perspective and continue to look at myself form different perspectives

... if I looking at my self from the aspect of Dad... well what do I need to do to be a better Dad for children... what brings me and then great sense of relatedness and connection between us which in of itself translates into happiness and contentment in that specific aspect of myself. But most of all... I do my will... but seek to harm none... which includes myself. I look at my choices and I try to make them that will give happiness and will not bring harm.

maybe this is what your looking for... but again... this all assumes that i am not nuts in the first place. So if one is ill or has serious issues and destructive behaviors ..... could they answer your question honestly. Self-denial seems to be a biggest problem for those with issues... at least it is my understanding ... that self-denial stops a person from solving those issues they seem to have. So, no matter how unsavory something may feel or taste like about myself... I try to accept the truth of it. How can I fix it if I can't. How can I avoid it mmmmm maybe this is how i am guarding myself from some sort of pathology. But then again.... isn't getting intense pleasure from sadistic behaviors a pathology of its own mmmmm maybe it is already to late for me...

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to pollux)

Post #: 20

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