It makes sense.... (Full Version)

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DisenchantedLife -> It makes sense.... (1/18/2008 1:51:27 PM)

Hi all - I'm going to try and help all of you understand something I never understood before.  All those women who stay in abusive relationships?  I get it.  Especially with mini thems involved.  I have a friend who hates her mother becuase her mother stuck around and never "did" anything. 

Trying to get "out"?  You might have a chance.  You might be rubbed in the dirt a good bit first.  Of course, you might get rubbed in the dirt and still not get out.  Trying to get "out" with mini people?  There's almost no chance in hell.  I never knew it, but prosecuting attornies can decide if they don't want to charge somebody.  Never in my life did I ever expect to hear a cop say "well, there are so many cases that need to be prosecuted, that the DA can't prosecute them all, but don't be disappointed if they don't" 

If you're in a bad relationship and you end up going to counseling and you become aware that its an abusive relationship - don't expect anything to be done.  Courts don't care, police don't care.  And if you have the forethought to get a restraining order to protect yourself and your mini people - don't expect your mini people to be protected.  All you'll be doing is protecting yourself while your mini people get thrown to the wolves.  Literally, no matter what you do.  Be honest, open up, tell the truth.  Hell, show proof.  Think it matters?  Newp.  Think the courts will care if person X did something bad around a mini person?  Amazingly no.  No... you'll hear..... "oh well maybe YOU had problems with person X, but I'm sure person X is fine"  LOLOL 

So the moral of the story is this :  if you find that you've royally screwed up, been absolutetly blind about somebody, and realise you're in a bad situation.  Do nothing!  There is no way out.  No saving yourself or others.  You are stuck.  Might as well adapt and get used to it, because that was the last mistake you get to make.

I've realized for the second time in my life.  The police and courts are not there to protect you, just harm you.  I am suprised at myself for being so suprised. =)



EponasChylde -> RE: It makes sense.... (1/18/2008 2:10:34 PM)

That's a huge load of bullshit. The police do care...that's why they keep coming back and arresting the scum bag even though they know said abused individual is a dumb bitch who's going to bail him out and bring him home again. They keep arresting him over and over again in hopes that said dumb bitch will EVENTUALLY figure out that she doesn't need this asshole.

I think most women who stay in abusive relationships are just being weak whiners who are afraid to do what needs to be done. Ditch the asshole and get out.

As for being "absolutely blind" about somebody, that's usually the woman's fault. They put up with "just a rude comment" or "just a small slap" or "just a push or shove" when they ought to tell the dumbass to pack his shit the first time he disrespects them. (I'm not talking about things that happen within a loving BDSM situation but in reference to TRUE domineering-type behavior.)



Emperor1956 -> RE: It makes sense.... (1/18/2008 2:12:48 PM)

Once again, this post reminds me why I should ignore people who want to "help me to understand" something. 
 
E



DisenchantedLife -> RE: It makes sense.... (1/18/2008 9:11:59 PM)

Ha ha ha and more ha's.  You would think, wouldnt you.  Explain to me why I have pressed several different charges and the police haven't even made an arrest?  One of them, which has 4 seperate counts on it - has actual proof.  If your county has records you can search online - do it.  Its amazing to see that people have had charges pressed, arrests were made, and the DA decides not to prosecute.  Amazing, apparently it happens all the time.  No they don't keep coming back to arrest.  They give excuses and apologies on why they can not.  I've actually had a police officer apologize to me, telling me he wish he could do more.... but there are loop holes.

I actually got out = )  Sadly, I wish I had not.  Only because in getting out some one got left behind that can't defend themselves.  And nobody is doing anything about it.  Nobody!  Its absurd.  I don't understand really.  This isn't the way the world is supposed to work.  If bad things happen and you speak out about it, even providing proof - then the good guys are supposed to win.  How is it possible the courts don't care?  I keep telling myself there has got to be something that can be done.  Something to stop a helpless being put in a bad situation.  I have exshausted every avenue and most probably everyone around me searching for a way.  How can judges just not listen?  How can they just arbitrarily decide things?   These are lives that are being determined here.  Helpless, innocent lives that can not fend for themselves.  I sit and follow court orders and I watch my helpless person left behind go emotionally down the toilet.  I watch a person I used to describe as "the happiest alive" cling to me in fear as some one talks to them.  I just don't get it.

The sad thing is......... I am not the only one........ as I talk to others - apparently it is common place

and I understand why they do not leave. 



DisenchantedLife -> RE: It makes sense.... (1/18/2008 9:13:12 PM)

Take a walk in some one elses shoes before you decide its not worth it to understand.  Eventually, shit happens.  Best to keep an eye down the road so you don't step in it.



laurell3 -> RE: It makes sense.... (1/18/2008 9:22:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DisenchantedLife

Ha ha ha and more ha's.  You would think, wouldnt you.  Explain to me why I have pressed several different charges and the police haven't even made an arrest? 

(I'm going to guess it's because you sound like a raving lunatic)

One of them, which has 4 seperate counts on it - has actual proof.  If your county has records you can search online - do it.  Its amazing to see that people have had charges pressed, arrests were made, and the DA decides not to prosecute. 

(While that's unfortunate if it's even true, given your presentation here one has to question your validity though, it is not at all the norm for cases of domestic violence.  In fact, the norm across the United States is for prosecution DESPITE the victim's request to drop any and all charges.)


Amazing, apparently it happens all the time. 

(Yeah no, it really doesn't unless there's no case and witnesses make up cases and bad witnesses make bad cases).

No they don't keep coming back to arrest.  They give excuses and apologies on why they can not.  I've actually had a police officer apologize to me, telling me he wish he could do more.... but there are loop holes.

(what loop holes other than your protestations that everyone in the system is against you and sucks?)

I actually got out = )  Sadly, I wish I had not.  Only because in getting out some one got left behind that can't defend themselves.  And nobody is doing anything about it. 

( And now the picture becomes clear, let me guess you're in a custody/divorce case now aren't you?)
 
Nobody!  Its absurd.  I don't understand really.  This isn't the way the world is supposed to work.  If bad things happen and you speak out about it, even providing proof - then the good guys are supposed to win.  How is it possible the courts don't care? 

(It's not possible they do care in the vast majority of cases.)

I keep telling myself there has got to be something that can be done.  Something to stop a helpless being put in a bad situation.  I have exshausted every avenue and most probably everyone around me searching for a way.  How can judges just not listen?  How can they just arbitrarily decide things?  

(They can't and I would be willing to bet my cat (whom I am very attached to) they didn't in your case as well)

These are lives that are being determined here.  Helpless, innocent lives that can not fend for themselves.  I sit and follow court orders and I watch my helpless person left behind go emotionally down the toilet.  I watch a person I used to describe as "the happiest alive" cling to me in fear as some one talks to them.  I just don't get it.

The sad thing is......... I am not the only one........ as I talk to others - apparently it is common place

and I understand why they do not leave.


(I don't and you giving people on a public forum really bad advice and spouting opinions about the justice system in general based on your one experience and encouraging them to stay in abusive relationships is absolutely ludicrious.  I'd be quite willing to bet this type of drama queen mentality is exactly why they didn't listen to you.)


My advice for people reading this in general is if you are in an abusive relationship get out.  Working with the court system every day on family and domestic violence issues and having done it on a national level for many years I can tell you the majority of courts and law enforcement do in fact care.  There is support for you out there by the truckloads (thank OJ for that).  Staying in a truly abusive situation with your children may be the very thing that gets them taken from you and put into foster care.  However, if you seek to use the system to win your divorce case, that isn't novel and won't work. 

By the way OP I did walk in these shoes as a child.  I grew up this way and my mother never had the strength to leave and didn't have the support there is today to do so.  Think again if you think staying is good for your children.   Do you want to know how many times over the years I have cursed and even hated my mother for her weakness and the effect her staying has had on my life and will for the rest of my life?



ownedgirlie -> RE: It makes sense.... (1/18/2008 9:24:11 PM)

I don't have mini-me's, but I was able to get out.  You're right, though, the laws are absurd.  I lost "everything" - house and everything in it, my money, my belongings, and I'm in debt up to my eyeballs while the legal bills pile up.

Do you know what I did get, though?  I got my life back.  So I'm starting from ground zero, but I'm starting.  He has my things, I have my life.  I have my intelligence, and I have more love than I ever imagined, from friends and family.  I'll be broke any day for all that.  I'm still being harassed by the ex. And with all the harassement and threats, I STILL can't get a restraining order.   The divorce is still dragged out and the legal bills are close to $20,000 now.  But I have ME!  And that is fantastic!!  All those years I stayed because I thought I deserved the abuse.  All those years I stayed because I thought so little of myself, and was too afraid to leave.  Wow, there is so much LIFE out here now! 

Keep fighting for the little ones.  I don't know where you are, but is there a WEAVE (Women Escaping Abusive and Violent Environments) in your area?   Have you contacted them or any group like them to see about getting an advocate?  Have you contacted your local news?  The radio?  Letters to the editor?  Fight fight and fight.  There is a life to be had out here, for the little ones, too. 

And for anyone else who thinks they deserve the abuse they're receiving, please check out this website - it helped me heal:  http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/



MissMagnolia -> RE: It makes sense.... (1/18/2008 9:36:16 PM)

Many times the law seems not to be in our favour. We can't understand why the fuck the authorities don't understand our situation, why the laws are there if no one enforces them. You keep banging your head against a brick wall. It's frightening, it's soul destroying, it's frustrating and it's tragic.

But NOT fighting for yourself and your kids is just as insane. If you try, and keep trying, every single avenue available, you MIGHT make a difference. If you do nothing, nothing will EVER change.

I have no idea of which country you are in, because you have no profile, but you have access to a pc and the net. Look up EVERYTHING you can get on what help is available where you are. Call or visit every single one of the departments you can find. The more you know, the more you know, and knowledge is power for you and power is what you need right now. If you can't do it for you, do it for the kids.



DisenchantedLife -> RE: It makes sense.... (1/18/2008 9:56:26 PM)

Thanks OG.  The laws are absurd.   I don't get it.  I really don't.  Its heartbreaking.  I am fighting, but at times it gets pretty damn hopeless.  There are advocates and I have spoken to them (court advocates, is what you mean?) But there isnt much they can do but help prepare you for court.  I'll look into WEAVE though.  No, I haven't contacted the news, radio or letters to an editor.  But its an idea!  I honestly could use ALL the ideas out there.  Do they have like a weave for little ones?  Honestly, I'm out - its the lo that got left behind.  All I hear these days is "so sorry"  "Aww too bad"  "don't care"  "just wait"  "going to have to accept".  And a family member's favorite one "you're the one that fucked him!" 

In order to get a restraining order - its good to call the cops when the harassment starts.  Press charges and in the restraining order put in the citation number along with everything else. 

It feels that the courts, police, and laws are not there to protect and harm.  They are not protecting us and if we don't follow along - they'll harm us. 

Any more ideas on how to fight?  p.s. thanks for the hope

Yes Mag - it is like a brick wall.  At first when this all started, I was afraid I would be doing "terrible things" and opening cans of worms and I was nervous about speaking the truth.  It is hard to keep up the fight when you tell a judge that you are exclusively breastfeeding (and your lo has never eaten from a bottle) and the judge looks at you and says "Get a pump, you should start weaning now anyways"  A judge literally tried to tell me to wean my LO and as nervous as I was, I stuttered out what the APA recommends.  Not that the judge cared.  If its "all" in the best interest of lo's.......... ?? 


news.. media.. editors.. that might be a splendid idea....



ownedgirlie -> RE: It makes sense.... (1/18/2008 10:07:03 PM)

I went to the courts when the harassment started.  In order to get a restraining order I had to prove he had already physically harmed me.  Okaaay then!

Go to this website, by Patricia Evans.  She's an author of a couple of books and websites that help women through verbal abuse, but there is a phone number for consultations - perhaps they can direct you to resources that will help you:  http://www.verbalabuse.com/Consultations.shtml

Here's WEAVE.  They might direct you to resources for the little one, or tell you what resources are in your area:  http://www.weaveinc.org/

If you want to email me and let me know what area you live in, I'm happy to help you search for resources.  I remember when I left, I felt lost and had no idea where to even start.

And don't ever let go of hope!  You can make it through trauma if you WANT to make it through trama.  I have no idea what your situation is comprised of, but I put that offer out for anyone who needs a hand.  Having been there, I can understand the emotions and confusion that you can experience. 

My Master quoted Eleanor Roosevelt to me last night, when I was struggling with something:  "Learn to light a candle rather than curse the darkness."

I wish you the best.




Maestro66babycak -> RE: It makes sense.... (1/18/2008 10:34:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DisenchantedLife



So the moral of the story is this :  if you find that you've royally screwed up, been absolutetly blind about somebody, and realise you're in a bad situation.  Do nothing!  There is no way out.  No saving yourself or others.  You are stuck.  Might as well adapt and get used to it, because that was the last mistake you get to make.

I've realized for the second time in my life.  The police and courts are not there to protect you, just harm you.  I am suprised at myself for being so suprised. =)

Have you lost your mind? You haven't helped anyone here at all.
You have only stated the hard part of trying to leave. You seem to want to take someone's HOPE away! I am here to tell you that the courts do work. But you can not be like Peter and 'cry wolf'. You can not repeatedly call the police if you are not willing to press charges. There are  many organizations out there now that were not available even 10 years ago that will help women AND children escape from an abusive husband/father. Yes it is hard! Yes it is worth it! How dare you  sit there at your little computer and tell women that there is no hope, that they must stay there forever!
Here are just a few that are willing to help:

Haven House Inc. 24-hour crisis and referral hotline - Spanish and English. 323.681.2626 www.havenhousela.com
 
Women's Aid 24 Hour Domestic Violence Helpline
0800 917 1414  ( this one is in Northern Ireland)
 
Barnes Jewish Hospital www.barnesjewish.org/groups/default.asp?NavID=919  (314) 362-9273

Hotlines
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800.799.SAFE (800.799.7233); TDD 800.787.3224 Providing emergency and non-emergency referrals to domestic violence resources in your area (multilingual service available).
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800.656.HOPE (800.656.4673) The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) is the nation’s largest anti-sexual assault organization. RAINN operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline and carries out programs to prevent sexual assault, help victims and ensure that rapists are brought to justice. Online, you’ll find statistics, counseling resources, prevention tips, news and more.
Battered Women’s Justice Project: 800.903.0111 Providing training, technical assistance and other resources through a partnership of three nationally recognized organizations: Domestic Abuse Intervention Project of Duluth, National Clearinghouse for the Defense of Battered Women Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Health Resource Center on Domestic Violence: 800.313.1310 The Family Violence Prevention Fund provides specialized information packets designed to strengthen the health care response to domestic violence, as well as technical assistance and library services to support health care-based domestic violence training and program development.
National Resource Center on Domestic Violence: 800.537.2238 Providing comprehensive information and resources, policy development and technical assistance designed to enhance community response to and prevention of domestic violence.
Resource Center on Child Protection and Custody: 800.527.3223 National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges Providing information, consultation, technical assistance and legal research related to child protection and custody issues within the context of domestic violence
Shalom Task Force: The National Jewish Domestic Violence Hotline: (888) 883-2323
 
If you want a list of websites that will help,then go to my profile and look at my Journal Entry for Today.
 
The reason women stay is simply that they are afraid to leave. No other reason. It all boils down to fear.
( getting down from my soap box now...looks at soap box and picks it up so that it is handy for the next time)



DisenchantedLife -> RE: It makes sense.... (1/18/2008 10:43:27 PM)

your journal entry for today is not listed yet.  If you like you can mail them to me?



ownedgirlie -> RE: It makes sense.... (1/18/2008 10:45:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Maestro66babycak
The reason women stay is simply that they are afraid to leave. No other reason. It all boils down to fear.



You said some good things in your post, up to this point.  Fear of leaving is not the ONLY reason but it is probably the most popular reason.  I didn't leave because I thought I deserved it, and I thought if I could only "do better next time" everything would be ok.  I still loved him.  I still hoped it would work. 

When I finally decided to leave - 5 years after I had begun thinking about it - my fear was not for myself, it was for hurting him.  Go figure.   Fortunately my need for survival outweighed my need to keep trying to make him happy.



hisannabelle -> RE: It makes sense.... (1/18/2008 10:49:45 PM)

quote:

I went to the courts when the harassment started.  In order to get a restraining order I had to prove he had already physically harmed me.  Okaaay then!


that's nuts. after my mother passed away, my stepdad got a restraining order against my sister because she threatened to stick a knife in his heart, and HE knew she wasn't even going to do it, so it was bs in the first place. all he had to do was go down to the courthouse - he didn't even have to prove she'd verbally threatened him, and she was still forced to show up in court to confront the restraining order and get it removed (it went into effect as soon as he claimed that he felt threatened). maybe it has to do with differences in state laws or something?

sorry. i was planning to stay out of this thread because i didn't really feel i had much to add, but i had to comment on that because i was in absolute disbelief. i'm so sorry you've gone through this, ownedgirlie, but i am so glad that you have managed to realize how amazing and worthy you are.

respectfully,
annabelle.



laurell3 -> RE: It makes sense.... (1/18/2008 10:55:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: Maestro66babycak
The reason women stay is simply that they are afraid to leave. No other reason. It all boils down to fear.



You said some good things in your post, up to this point.  Fear of leaving is not the ONLY reason but it is probably the most popular reason.  I didn't leave because I thought I deserved it, and I thought if I could only "do better next time" everything would be ok.  I still loved him.  I still hoped it would work. 

When I finally decided to leave - 5 years after I had begun thinking about it - my fear was not for myself, it was for hurting him.  Go figure.   Fortunately my need for survival outweighed my need to keep trying to make him happy.


Nah there are many reasons other than that, financial is a big one especially where the woman doesn't or hasn't worked or has a disability.  Sometimes people are raised that it's never an option.  Sometimes people are raised in abusive homes and don't know the difference and are truly blind until someone takes their children away.  Nonetheless you are correct.  Saying don't leave or it's hopeless is ridiculous advice especially when there are um's involved. 

Don't whine about the system, work it.  We see crazy, demanding, foolish people all day every day.  That approach will only fall on deaf ears.  You can present your case without all the system sucks, I want it now, it's not fair garbage that's going to get you ignored.  There's nothing wrong with being upset, in fact, get a therapist and be upset and get help yourself to not end up there again and be healthy for the um, but DO NOT do it in the courthouse.  You can whine all you want that they should listen despite it in a support group and you are right, but they are human and aren't going to hear what you're saying because of it.  Hearing it all day every day isn't easy for them either.  Try to imagine you are the judge/prosecutor/attorney...how do you say the same thing to them without sounding offensive or uncredible? 

Going to the press is not the best advice unless it's an absolute dead end situation.  It's more likely to make you less credible than more and the press gets those calls all day every day.  Besides do you honestly believe the press doesn't know the judges/ prosecuting attorneys well?  Who do you think gives them the real stories and information they need?

Turn it around OP, avail yourself of the many resourcses listed here and more.  Listen to your attorney, if you don't like them or think they aren't listening or don't have time for you, get another one.  Custody cases are won on impression, not whining and you have to pick your battles.  There are SCADS of dv agencies out there.  I can't turn around without bumping into a new one every day.  But please stop telling others not to leave or there is no hope.  There is hope and you can leave and you can change your life and there is help for you.



laurell3 -> RE: It makes sense.... (1/18/2008 11:03:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

I went to the courts when the harassment started.  In order to get a restraining order I had to prove he had already physically harmed me.  Okaaay then!

Go to this website, by Patricia Evans.  She's an author of a couple of books and websites that help women through verbal abuse, but there is a phone number for consultations - perhaps they can direct you to resources that will help you:  http://www.verbalabuse.com/Consultations.shtml

Here's WEAVE.  They might direct you to resources for the little one, or tell you what resources are in your area:  http://www.weaveinc.org/

If you want to email me and let me know what area you live in, I'm happy to help you search for resources.  I remember when I left, I felt lost and had no idea where to even start.

And don't ever let go of hope!  You can make it through trauma if you WANT to make it through trama.  I have no idea what your situation is comprised of, but I put that offer out for anyone who needs a hand.  Having been there, I can understand the emotions and confusion that you can experience. 

My Master quoted Eleanor Roosevelt to me last night, when I was struggling with something:  "Learn to light a candle rather than curse the darkness."

I wish you the best.




Yeah it's also a threat of harm that a reasonable person would feel threatened by here.  Which doesn't mean showing actual harm, but pretty close.  Unfortunately this part of the system is totally exploited here and the judges will sign almost any protection order that crosses their desks.  I say unfortunately because we get people in divorce cases that get manditorily arrested when there shouldn't have been a protection order in the first place.  When they lose their job because of the arrest and can't pay child support the other party starts to see using the system can really backfire.  The thing people don't understand is there are so many people out there claiming domestic violence when there is none to get more money from their divorce that it becomes difficult to distinguish who is who.  I'm not at all suggesting dv isn't real or isn't something people should listen to, mererly trying to point out the dilmena the judge/attorney has on these type of cases.




Feric -> RE: It makes sense.... (1/18/2008 11:08:42 PM)

I had been planning on staying out of this, but I should relate the experience of an acquaintance of mine. A woman I'll call Daphne was in an abusive relationship--beatings, broken bones, etc. She finally bailed, but not before having me get ahold of a book for her (she didn't want her abusive spouse to see it) about how to drop from sight. The book was one of many offered by a publisher called Paladin Press, which specializes in books on self-reliance of all sorts. The book she got was on switching identities. I have not heard from her in more than four years, nor has her spouse. Here's the link to the Paladin Press books. http://www.paladin-press.com/SearchResult.aspx?KeyWords=change%20identity  Good luck!



DisenchantedLife -> RE: It makes sense.... (1/18/2008 11:09:24 PM)

Will these agencies actually do anything for my lo or are they all for "me"?  It does seem, atleast here, that there is no hope.  I actually have spoken very little to judges (mostly been spoken too) and have not spoken to any da's.  So crazy, demanding, whining doesnt really apply here.  I've spent very little time in court.  I'm not excatly sure how to work the system either.  The reason I say "stay" instead of leave, is while YOU may be able to leave... all you are doing is leaving the lo behind.. because the courts don't allow the lo's to leave.  Leave as in - not be put in bad situations ever again.  Before I left - I was always there.  Always in the middle, always taking care, always allowing all the responsibility to fall on me.  Now I am not there and he is often there. With out me.  With out me shielding.  Now there is no shield.  Now he just suffers.  Now his cries just fall on deaf ears.  In leaving, I took my lo's shield away.  I am at a loss and pretty damn hopeless in how to put one there for him.  Still trying, but yet it still seems hopeless.  I will look into the agencies.  I will follow any road if there is hope in putting a shield in place for my LO.

I do appreciate the responses.  Even the flamatory ones.  You've given me hope that there might actually be hope and if nothing else - another road to persue in search of hope.



Maestro66babycak -> RE: It makes sense.... (1/18/2008 11:11:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: Maestro66babycak
The reason women stay is simply that they are afraid to leave. No other reason. It all boils down to fear.



You said some good things in your post, up to this point.  Fear of leaving is not the ONLY reason but it is probably the most popular reason.  I didn't leave because I thought I deserved it, and I thought if I could only "do better next time" everything would be ok.  I still loved him.  I still hoped it would work. 

When I finally decided to leave - 5 years after I had begun thinking about it - my fear was not for myself, it was for hurting him.  Go figure.   Fortunately my need for survival outweighed my need to keep trying to make him happy.


Nah there are many reasons other than that, financial is a big one especially where the woman doesn't or hasn't worked or has a disability.  Sometimes people are raised that it's never an option.  Sometimes people are raised in abusive homes and don't know the difference and are truly blind until someone takes their children away.  Nonetheless you are correct.  Saying don't leave or it's hopeless is ridiculous advice especially when there are um's involved. 

Don't whine about the system, work it.  We see crazy, demanding, foolish people all day every day.  That approach will only fall on deaf ears.  You can present your case without all the system sucks, I want it now, it's not fair garbage that's going to get you ignored.  There's nothing wrong with being upset, in fact, get a therapist and be upset and get help yourself to not end up there again and be healthy for the um, but DO NOT do it in the courthouse.  You can whine all you want that they should listen despite it in a support group and you are right, but they are human and aren't going to hear what you're saying because of it.  Hearing it all day every day isn't easy for them either.  Try to imagine you are the judge/prosecutor/attorney...how do you say the same thing to them without sounding offensive or uncredible? 

Going to the press is not the best advice unless it's an absolute dead end situation.  It's more likely to make you less credible than more and the press gets those calls all day every day.  Besides do you honestly believe the press doesn't know the judges/ prosecuting attorneys well?  Who do you think gives them the real stories and information they need?

Turn it around OP, avail yourself of the many resourcses listed here and more.  Listen to your attorney, if you don't like them or think they aren't listening or don't have time for you, get another one.  Custody cases are won on impression, not whining and you have to pick your battles.  There are SCADS of dv agencies out there.  I can't turn around without bumping into a new one every day.  But please stop telling others not to leave or there is no hope.  There is hope and you can leave and you can change your life and there is help for you.

I stand corrected.... I had totally forgottten about love.... as for the financial thing... that is a fear, fear that you cannot make it on your own or provide for your children. Anyway... as long as my point was not forgotten it matters not what the reason for staying is because everyone's reason is quite personal.
Hugs.



laurell3 -> RE: It makes sense.... (1/18/2008 11:16:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Feric

I had been planning on staying out of this, but I should relate the experience of an acquaintance of mine. A woman I'll call Daphne was in an abusive relationship--beatings, broken bones, etc. She finally bailed, but not before having me get ahold of a book for her (she didn't want her abusive spouse to see it) about how to drop from sight. The book was one of many offered by a publisher called Paladin Press, which specializes in books on self-reliance of all sorts. The book she got was on switching identities. I have not heard from her in more than four years, nor has her spouse. Here's the link to the Paladin Press books. http://www.paladin-press.com/SearchResult.aspx?KeyWords=change%20identity  Good luck!


DO NOT even think about doing this with a child involved.  Changing your identity and depriving the child of their father will very well land you in prison or them living with him full-time which would in no way be beneficial to them.  



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