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RE: Question - 1/19/2008 12:36:17 PM   
Bound2One


Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
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quote:

The fact that I was spanked until I couldn't take any more, and He told me "You have a word you can use." (and I did use the word).... I felt like COMPLETE dog shit...I would NEVER safe word out on a punishement NEVER...it just wouldn't happen...So not only was a confused ...but I was also ashamed of myself for not taking ALL of His punishment that I truly DID deserve.


I know what you mean about not safewording through a punishment... but if he didn't communicate that it was punishment prior to beginning, I can easily see how it would be hard to get into the right mindspace to deal with it ... you're struggling to (1) process the fact that it was a punishment, not for fun, after all (2) realizing he was correcting something that you felt bad about doing and (3) then not being in the proper 'place' to handle what was going on at the time.   I hope your talk cleared the air and that you're able to let go of your shame.  It doesn't sound like your confusion was your fault.  It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship from all of your posts - but no one is perfect, you know? 

(Edited to make more sense, hopefully!)

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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Question - 1/19/2008 12:43:47 PM   
Dari


Posts: 192
Joined: 10/8/2007
Status: offline 		If I have to resort to true punishment, then I am very clear on it beforehand.  If I didn't explain it beforehand, then it's probably not a punishment.  Though it's possible that there may be a case where I wouldn't explain or label it punishment before - nothing's coming to mind at this particular moment.



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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Question - 1/19/2008 12:46:06 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Bound2One
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bound2One

quote:

The fact that I was spanked until I couldn't take any more, and He told me "You have a word you can use." (and I did use the word).... I felt like COMPLETE dog shit...I would NEVER safe word out on a punishement NEVER...it just wouldn't happen...So not only was a confused ...but I was also ashamed of myself for not taking ALL of His punishment that I truly DID deserve.


I know what you mean about not safewording through a punishment... but if he didn't communicate that it was punishment prior to beginning, I can easily see how it would be hard to get into the right mindspace to deal with it ... you're struggling to (1) process the fact that it was a punishment, not for fun, after all (2) realizing he was correcting something that you felt bad about doing and (3) then not being in the proper 'place' to handle what was going on at the time.   I hope your talk cleared the air and that you're able to let go of your shame.  It doesn't sound like your confusion was your fault.  It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship from all of your posts - but no one is perfect, you know? 

(Edited to make more sense, hopefully!)


Thankyou Bound2One you make perfect sense. Yes I believe Master and I have a truly good and rich relationship. To me it feels like one of those "once in a lifetime" relationships. He is BAR NONE the most wonderful man I have EVER known.

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Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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RE: Question - 1/19/2008 12:47:33 PM   
Gwynvyd


Posts: 4949
Status: offline 		I certainly understand how you would be confused....  Being as that is an that act can both be a pleasure, and a punishment depending on how it is carried out or the Dom/me intentions at the time.. it can be confusing if it is not set up before it occurs "This is part of your punishiment young miss, and as I do this I wish you to think seriously about why you are being punished and why I am so displeased with you"

My girl is not very much into BD style spanking.. playful wacks and chasing her about in play is fine.. but actual paddle in hand spanking she simply does not enjoy ( abused past will suffice as an answer to why not )
There has only been one time in our 6 years when she had displeased and disappointed me to the point where I felt it required a true punishment. It was a spanking. She knew when it was to be set up, how many whacks, and how she was to purport herself durring it. She had never since then done that behavior that caused her to be punished. I dont think she could stand to think of doing that behavior because she knows I was that disapointed in her. There have been times people have tried to tempt her into it, and she has been very adamant about not even entertaining the idea.

I think mayhaps he was meaning to do the spanking for play a bit, it clicked in his mind the transgression, and it turned into a punishment spanking.. I can not see not telling a submissive that they were about to be punished.

Gwyn

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RE: Question - 1/19/2008 12:52:15 PM   
Bound2One


Posts: 614
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quote:

Thankyou Bound2One you make perfect sense. Yes I believe Master and I have a truly good and rich relationship. To me it feels like one of those "once in a lifetime" relationships. He is BAR NONE the most wonderful man I have EVER known.


You just made me smile - I'm happy for you!   You're welcome!

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Question - 1/19/2008 12:57:18 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Personally, I believe that using a form of punishment that is also used a pleasure tool isn't a wise move.
 
the.dark.

 
I'm going to very respectfully (because I really love reading your points of view) disagree with this statement, although I have heard this from many others, as well.

I disagree because sometimes (although not always) my Master mixes them up.  He might belt me for punishment or simply because he feels like it.  When I know it is in punishment, it has a profound effect on me, and actually hurts more than when he does it for fun.  It's the emotion and motivation behind the act that I respond to.  This may not be the same for everyone, however, so I can understand your reason for saying this.

I also saw Michael's point as questioning where her focus is - on improving for her Master or on pointing out how he may have erred, which actually puts her focus back on herself.

I've been guilty of that in the past.  Recognizing it was a good lesson for me.

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Question - 1/19/2008 12:57:55 PM   
fit2pleaseu


Posts: 77
Joined: 10/26/2007
Status: offline 		I feel its hugely important to be told if i am going to be given C/P as punishment.
This is because i am only punished if i have done something that is disrespectful or i have disobeyed my Mistress.
Under these circumstances the punishments will always be more severe and my mindset needs to be that i am being punished for this to be completely effective.

(in reply to Gwynvyd)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Question - 1/19/2008 1:04:32 PM   
Daddysredhead


Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline 		When I get punished, it is always with the belt.  Daddy never uses the belt in play, so I already know that if he brings that out, there's been trouble afoot.  However, he always talks to me before I am punished.  I know exactly what I did, why he found it to be a punishable offense and how to prevent it from ever happening again.  He tells me, "You're getting one for _____ (whatever reason).  Do you understand why this has to happen?"  (I answer yes or no, but I always know.)  Then he has me explain to him in exacting detail why this is something that must be dealt with in this way, and how I can avoid having it repeat itself.  Then he has me disrobe from the waist down, and I have the unfortunate duty of getting on all fours on the bed, ass up, face down, while I come to know his belt in a most unpleasant way.  However, when it's over, it's over.  We do not bring it up again.  It is finished.

I think not knowing why or when you are getting punished is irresponsible and ineffective.  I much prefer the way Daddy does it than some of the ways I have heard or read that other Dom/mes dole out corporal punishment to their subs/slaves.

~ DRH

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RE: Question - 1/19/2008 1:17:57 PM   
TysGalilah


Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

For those that are in a relationship where spankings and/or whippings are used as discipline or punishment, do you feel you should be told before hand that you are getting a punishment/discipline spanking? If your "D" type starts to give you a spanking or whipping,(bare in mind that spanking and whipping are also part of the playtime you have together too, and DURING the spanking you realize this isnt like a FUN spanking) but you find out after its over that it was for punishment or discipline is that ok?

 
Hi Candy
 
yes, in my relationship with Tyson, he communicates very clearly when there is something that displeases him or he wants me to change.  The times I have been punished have, with the exception of once, been verbal and consequences were immediate.  The time it was physical punishment I was told before hand why he was displeased and what his actions hoped to accomplish. 
The physical aspects and implements in our relationship are kept for play...spanks etc are not used for discipline  so that there is no confusion in my mind to have to sort out > "what is in his mind or behind his actions that he might be feeling or displaying"..  therefore, I can just feel, submit to his whims and don't have to think in those moments........  I hate displeasing him, and for him to "use" that reason in order to arrange to be rough or spank or physically use my body > is something that would definately change my reaction and response to him. 
Trusting in clear communication by him allows me to surrender to what IS happening  and not get caught up in the worry and wondering..anticipating and 2nd guessing..
Which I would think would make his experience that much more satisfying and fulfilling ( ie my surrender and submission).




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galilah

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Question - 1/19/2008 1:19:01 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		When I posted the statement that I do not see using a pleasure tool as an effective tool, maybe I should be more clear.  I don't think it is a wise move, but I do believe that there are people that can make it work, owned.  Obviously in this case, it didn't and yes I think it is vital to focus on her Master, but there is shock to recover from.  It was a first and now she knows what might happen, she can now fully focus on what he desires.  The key to it working is that you know beforehand.
 
There is also a risk that if someone knows they may get a spanking as a punishment and yet enjoy spanking, there runs the risk that they will act up, just to get a spanking. 

Owned, you are far from a brat(in the negative sense).  You are well centred and do not abuse your position and act bratty.  Your Master clearly communicates and as you have portrayed him, is concise and consistant.  You know where you stand with him.  Using a pleasure tool as a form of punishment on you would work.  But I would stress that you are a very unusual relationship in comparisson to many - yeah and at the risk of sounding a suck up  - probably much higher up on the evolution scale than most.
 
the.dark.

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 1/19/2008 1:26:11 PM >

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RE: Question - 1/19/2008 1:26:18 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Hi the.dark. and wow, you humble me wish such statements.  Thank you very much.

And yes, I can see what you are saying.  Sometimes I fail to see those things I do not experience directly, and I am grateful you have pointed them out and enlightened me.  And ha- no need to "suck up" - it is I who holds you in high regard!   

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Question - 1/19/2008 2:27:07 PM   
robertolapiedra


Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

For those that are in a relationship where spankings and/or whippings are used as discipline or punishment, do you feel you should be told before hand that you are getting a punishment/discipline spanking? If your "D" type starts to give you a spanking or whipping,(bare in mind that spanking and whipping are also part of the playtime you have together too, and DURING the spanking you realize this isnt like a FUN spanking) but you find out after its over that it was for punishment or discipline is that ok?


Hello breathesone. In my relationship before there is punishment, the submissive acknowledges her errors, gives her apologies, accepts punishment and only then may (or may not?) receive punishment.

In the beginning, I quickly came to the conclusion that "physical" punishment was more confusing than anything for my sub (may be perfect for others, but not for all...) so I stopped and used "object lesson" techniques (humiliation, loss of privileges etc. instead). Mind you, my sub does not like to be punished this way, but admits that things are "crystal clear" in the "what is to be expected" department.

I rarely punish my submissive except when she lies to me or is arrogant in her behaviour. I always warn before just to give her a chance to self correct (I warn once for serious stuff and like to mindfuck with many subtle "warnings" with the minor stuff until she can't stand it anymore).

For my sub, even if she is not a masochist, having her ass reddened and then it's over, does not work well. She needs to atone for her mistakes in order for punishment to have a positive effect on her behaviour.  When punishment  (sanctions) is clear,  acknowledged and accepted beforehand, you usually do not have to repeat this often.

Some LTR do not even use punishment... What is important is that there should not be any confusion between what is play and what is not. Non punishment LTR couples use a lot of timeouts and dialogue for behaviour adjustments. Then again some LTR couples hate time outs (only used in a major crisis) and consensually prefer a more classic approach to day to day discipline. What is important is that things are consensually crystal clear in TPR non-play situations.

One good guideline is to make play conditional to proper behaviour. In your case, I would opt for removing "fun spankings" from the equation, not adding "non fun spanking" to the equation. What do you think? RL.


RL.


(in reply to breatheasone)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Question - 1/19/2008 7:41:31 PM   
salilus


Posts: 201
Joined: 5/18/2007
Status: offline 		If he's beating me for punishment, I know it. He uses the impliments that I can't handle very well, he's usually lecturing me. :)


< Message edited by salilus -- 1/19/2008 7:42:28 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Question - 1/20/2008 12:42:11 AM   
BossyShoeBitch


Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: firefly6

There is a website about domestic discipline that really answers a lot of questions about spanking. I have found it to be a great site.
www.lovingdomesticdiscipline.com You should know that you are being disciplined or punished beforehand otherwise what is the point? I believe that is lack of experience on the Dom's part.

Firefly6

Is this the link you meant to post ?  http://www.lovingdd.blogspot.com/

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RE: Question - 1/20/2008 1:43:53 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		FR
Unless it's completely obvious that it is a punishment in the moment or at least a correction to an immediate action, not explaining and understanding the punishment just makes things harder and less effective IMO.  If I'm going to go through the task of punishment, I want to get it right.

Most often when they don't communicate it, it's because they really just want revenge or to put a hurt on someone and use "punishment" as an excuse for it- they don't really have the capability to train someone well, but they aren't happy and want to do something about it.

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Question - 1/20/2008 8:08:59 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		Well I did talk to Master about it. I told Him how I felt, He told me how He felt. Thats really all I can say....I'm not sure we reached a consensus. So I will just be aware, and of course try VERY hard to not make further mistakes...but if I do(and no doubt I will) I will just be on the look out for anything that might come. Now I did know I had displeased Him, apparently I didn't realize just how much, cause He didnt go into it all that much. He and I just continued on to His bedroom. What does make me a bit nervous is that when this had happened, I thought we were making love...He had taken me in His room and we did, and were making love.....Then He started spanking me......i didnt know punishment was coming. So the nervous part comes from ....when I do mess up again...I will be really leary if He wants to make love then, wondering if in the middle of it He may start to punish me. So relaxing and being totally there emotionally when we are making love will be harder. I pray that I will eventually get used to this mindset I need to adopt. Thanks to everyone that has replied.
EDITED TO ADD: my Master and I are very new at this(we are each others 1st and last) He and I will, and are doing the best we can for each other. This is a learn as you go kinda thing and neither one of us are naive enough to expect perfection....I am looking forward to the rest of the journey.


< Message edited by breatheasone -- 1/20/2008 8:17:27 AM >

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Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Question - 1/20/2008 8:33:02 AM   
servantheart


Posts: 960
Joined: 10/26/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		I can understand your confusion as well, and agree that you should not be hard on yourself about using your safeword during the spanking, since you had no idea it was a punishment in the first place.  How can you be expected to learn whatever lesson he's trying to teach if you don't know what you did that merited the correction?  I would never tolerate such treatment. 
 
When I've broken a rule and am to be punished, Master tells me so immediately.  He also has one implement that is used only for punishment, and never for play.  In addition, He has set forth a specific punishment ritual that never fails to put me in the proper mindset to receive correction. 
 
Many Doms are fond of saying that they aren't mind readers and the same thing applies to subs.  It all boils down to communication, and communication is a two way street. 
 
 

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Question - 1/20/2008 8:43:38 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: servantheart

I can understand your confusion as well, and agree that you should not be hard on yourself about using your safeword during the spanking, since you had no idea it was a punishment in the first place.  How can you be expected to learn whatever lesson he's trying to teach if you don't know what you did that merited the correction?  I would never tolerate such treatment. 
 
When I've broken a rule and am to be punished, Master tells me so immediately.  He also has one implement that is used only for punishment, and never for play.  In addition, He has set forth a specific punishment ritual that never fails to put me in the proper mindset to receive correction. 
 
Many Doms are fond of saying that they aren't mind readers and the same thing applies to subs.  It all boils down to communication, and communication is a two way street. 
 
 

What I highlighted is what I'd like to speak to and make clear....I DID know I had done wrong and displeased Him. What I didn't know was that I was going to get punished for it when we were making love in His room....It completely caught me off gaurd and my mind struggled to make sense of it when it was happening(or I should say when I figured out what was happening)

< Message edited by breatheasone -- 1/20/2008 8:44:30 AM >

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Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Question - 1/20/2008 9:33:27 AM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		FR

Maybe your shock and confusion is part of the punishment.  If you did something to displease him, punishing you during an act you want to feel all relaxed during would be punishment in itself. 

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Question - 1/20/2008 9:36:27 AM   
SirJohnMandevill


Posts: 546
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

For those that are in a relationship where spankings and/or whippings are used as discipline or punishment, do you feel you should be told before hand that you are getting a punishment/discipline spanking? If your "D" type starts to give you a spanking or whipping,(bare in mind that spanking and whipping are also part of the playtime you have together too, and DURING the spanking you realize this isnt like a FUN spanking) but you find out after its over that it was for punishment or discipline is that ok?


Play is play, punishment is punishment. If my D/s relationship including an understanding that there would be punishments and that whipping/spanking was included, I would definitely let my sub know if "punishment" per se were being applied.

Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink) 

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Iam an eroticist
I am a fully eroticized being
No more neuroses
I found my strip naked soul soup
With the deviant ingredient
---The B-52s

(in reply to breatheasone)
Profile   Post #: 40
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