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Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 2:51:10 AM   
confusedkitten


Posts: 2
Joined: 1/10/2008
Status: offline 		Hi all,

I just wondered what others' take on this was. I've been with my partner for a year now and have recently found out that for most of that time he's been using this and other bdsm websites to pose as a single male dom and chat/flirt/msn and occasionally even call eligible young subs.

It was the to my face lying that really hurts the most as up until he couldn't deny it any longer he was still telling me I was just being insecure and paranoid and that the girls that were contacting me to ask whether we were still together were just making everything up.. and stupid , trusting me just swallowed every word. But leaving trust issues aside, do you think its ok to pose as single and chat up members of the opposite sex?

I'm genuinely curious what others think, as although he's apologised, he continues to maintain that what he's doing is perfectly acceptable and not that big a thing as he never meets the girls he's talking to. While I accept that it's not as bad as actually physically cheating, I can't help thinking that you can't be happy in a relationship if you're needing to get your thrills online.. from strangers.. and although he says he'd never meet them, surely it's only a matter of time before you come across someone who you do genuinely spark with.. and really how committed to a relationship can you really be if you're happy to pretend you're single half the time?

On the other hand.. I guess as long as the girls he's talking to also accept it as just online fun, then maybe it is harmless, as he says.. it's just.. why did he do everything he could to keep it from me if he genuinely believed that?

Sorry for the rambling.. if anyones got this far I'd really appreciate you're input as I'm so confused right now!

CF x
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RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 2:54:28 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		Is it cheating to you?  Cheating is whatever is outside the agreed upon parameters of your relationship.  We can't tell you what those are.  I'm sorry you're hurt.  The fact he says things when he gets caught doesn't mean you have to accept them.  The fact that you seem to be unable to say yourself what you expect of him is a bit concerning.  Talk to the guy and make some more concrete statements about your expectations, however I would stop to ponder if you really think lying is conducive to a healthy relationship for you.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 1/20/2008 2:55:19 AM >

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RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 2:54:28 AM   
CuriousLord


Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		If there's a sexual aspect to what he's doing.. yes, it is sexually cheatting (even if it's web/phone-based masturbation).  However, if he's just giving his emotions over to others, that's emotionally cheating.

Further, if he felt like he had to lie about it, he knew it was something that would upset you yet did it anyhow.

Sorry, not too much to comfort you with.

(in reply to confusedkitten)
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RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 3:06:17 AM   
MissMagnolia


Posts: 3636
Status: offline 		Lying is pretty much a red flag that something is drastically wrong in a relationship. Lying for such a long time, and over what you obviously see as a very important issue, well it's a pretty big flag, isn't it? He's also lying to all these other girls. Do they get hurt by him too, I wonder?

He's apologised for his lying, yet maintains that he's done nothing wrong??? That makes absolutely no sense.

I'm going to be straightforward and say fuck his wishes. You're the one hurting, he caused the hurt, is this what YOU want? Can YOU handle this? And for how long? This time, next time, the time after that?

You're in this relationship too, and it's a two person job. One doing whatever they want and one putting up with things that hurt them, doesn't sound so good to me.

Be kind to you.



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RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 3:08:22 AM   
takenbyjohnr07


Posts: 787
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		To pose as a single perso which is if you are not married. is ok. To pose as asingle person who is looking for someone is not kk in my opinion.

i couldn't stay with someone like that, but you have to make your own chouces. Good luck to you.

Some people might think. If he's lying about this, What else is he lying to me about.

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RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 3:19:19 AM   
littlebitxxx


Posts: 732
Status: offline 		If you had known up front about all these online conversations, it wouldn't be cheating.  But where he kept it from you, and then lied about it, it is cheating in my books.  Chatting, harmless flirting, etc online is fine if the other knows about it.  Security in one's relationship and trust play the important part here.   

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RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 3:19:22 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		Not knowing if an exclusive relationship was promised it's impossible to say if its cheating or not.  Lying and cheating often pair up but are not the same things.

IF an exclusive relationship was promised by him, then my opinion is, he was cheating.  If an exclusive relationship was assumed.... well there's your problem right there.

That he lies and is comfortable in his lies would be a concern for me.  He who lies about little things is far more apt to lie about the big things.

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RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 4:01:15 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		ditto to Curious Lord

people tell lies to cover up the truth .... he knew the truth was wrong and would equal cheating so he covered it up ... he is also now  turning it around on you so that you are the guilty one ... in my book  = scumbag

have said it before and will say it again ... breaking trust is a point of no return ... if you cant trust him on the basics .. you cant trust him on anything ... get rid

jmho

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RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 4:05:18 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		A relationship needs one major rule..no lying or lying by omission. If you had known about it, you could have said something that may have resulted in an acceptable understanding. Who knows? Unfaithfulness has many roads, but it's the lie that drives them all. 

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RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 4:18:33 AM   
princessleather


Posts: 20
Joined: 12/25/2006
Status: offline 		How come he has so much time on his hands to do all those things? Does he have no job? Do you live with him?

If he spends so much time talking to others i feel you are missing out on a lot of things.

He is making emotional investments with these other girls, so he is cheating. Plain and simple he is a liar as well as a cheater. How can he say it is acceptable? perhaps for him? not in my book and it seems not in yours either. Think about it, you deserve better. Everyone deserves better that people who lie to them.

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RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 4:35:15 AM   
confusedkitten


Posts: 2
Joined: 1/10/2008
Status: offline 		He's a student, so no job.. although now I know about the girls, I do wonder how much work he really was doing at night in the study (yes, we live together).

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. I agree that no one can say what it right or wrong in another's relationship.. but when someone you respect is repeatedly and convincingly telling you something which runs quite contrary to your own initial reaction.. well, I was starting to wonder if it was just me..

Kitten x

(in reply to princessleather)
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RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 4:41:43 AM   
liketophoto


Posts: 763
Joined: 6/17/2007
Status: offline 		As someone who has had online relationships, it is amazing how emotionally attached one can get to anotheronline.
It is so much more of an attachment because the person on the other end is more the person whom one makes them out to be. I have had my guts ripped out more than once by others who had other attachments.
It is a interesting technical quandry we have developed.
You are young, you are beautyful, go find someone who can truly devote to you, and you can devote to them.
If it is concentual to open your relationship to others that is a whole other thing.
What He is doing is not concentual and may even not be safe, nor sane. 
Respectfully, LTP

(in reply to confusedkitten)
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RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 4:44:24 AM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		The problem with relationships is the assumptions that are made.
Forget the lies for a moment.
Does it matter to you that he needs to do what he is doing?
Think about the reasons why he is doing this.
In fact see if he will tell you.
He might not understand himself.
Sounds like boredom to me but obviously I don't know.
If you can talk openly about it you may be able to agree a way forward.
If you give up on him at this point you may regret it in the future.
I have noticed time after time that people on this site advise others to end their relationships. I always wonder why. Monogomous relationships are very very difficult for some people especially when it's not what they really want or need..
But people can change if it's worth it for them.

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RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 4:49:44 AM   
cainssub


Posts: 45
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: liketophoto

As someone who has had online relationships, it is amazing how emotionally attached one can get to anotheronline.
It is so much more of an attachment because the person on the other end is more the person whom one makes them out to be. I have had my guts ripped out more than once by others who had other attachments.


i know this first hand, the fantasy becomes so real...........then when reality sets in WHAM.....you're knocked off your feet....

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RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 5:19:07 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Another thing which has not yet been mentioned........he has the profile that says he is single. Not only has he lied to you he is lying to anyone he has contact with online.

While he may have admitted his assinine behaviour to you, it is apparent he feels he really has nothing to appologise for and continues with despicable behaviour. Regardless of wether you find it cheating or not, it is dishonest, weak and dishonourable. The behaviour of an individual I certainly would not want in my life.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 5:22:42 AM   
subrob1967


Posts: 4591
Joined: 9/13/2004
Status: offline 		* Fast reply*
The simple answer to your question is...

If YOU feel betrayed, and no longer trust him, he cheated on you.

(in reply to cainssub)
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RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 5:27:58 AM   
PronePalabras


Posts: 37
Joined: 12/22/2007
Status: offline 		all i can do here is agree with the posts before me ...and how do you know if he posted that hes single that he hasnt already cheated?

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RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 5:33:21 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		To the OP
If the girls are contacting you to ask if you are still together, they havent accepted that its online fun. Cheating comes in more than one flavor, and from where I sit you have no real way of knowing he isnt meeting anyone. He TOLD you so, but he also told you this is onnocent, and sees nothing wrong with it. He never bothered TELLING you about them in the first place unti. you found out on your own, so why would you believe he is being truthful when he TELLS you he has never and doesnt plan on meeting them?

Take it from someone who was replaced in her marriage with an online chat buddy. It starts online with "harmess flirting" and eventually you are the one being shoved out to make space for the new toy. My exhusband spent the majority of his first marriage looking for someone new online. I had no idea that he was even married when I met him there. I didnt know the divorce wasnt final until after I moved in with him and he rcieved a letter giving him the hearing date. And when our marriage afterwards went south, he found his 3rd online as well. Under the assumption that he and I were already split up (since the new one knew me). It is most definately cheating, and to assume he is truthful with them about his status (if hes listed as single, he obviously isnt) or your existance would be foolish.  I am sure he lies so much he has forgotten who he told what to. The girls who message and ask you if you are still together are probably ones he has slipped and mentioned you to before, who are checking on his story that you likely are not.

DV


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RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 6:11:37 AM   
Dari


Posts: 192
Joined: 10/8/2007
Status: offline 		He lied about what he's doing.

That means either he's cheating, or he's an emotional coward and weakling.  I personally couldn't respect anyone who didn't have the strength to honestly say:  "This is what I'm doing, and if you don't like it, then we need to talk about it until we come to some compromise that makes us both happy."  If he's using online to satisfy a need that you aren't, then even if he's not cheating now, he's headed down that path unless you can talk about it.

The lying part (if he's not cheating) means he's too cowardly to tell you what it is he wants, or possibly that he doesn't know what he wants, which means he's still lost in a sea of confusion about himself.  Now - I don't have a lot of respect for people who don't know what they want, and yet try to lead others.  And I don't have a lot of respect for people who are cowards and can't tell you what they want, either.

Any which way you slice it, I'd be gone - but that's just my opinion and you have to make your own decisions anyway.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
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RE: Is chatting online cheating? - 1/20/2008 6:57:22 AM   
SayaNereida


Posts: 152
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline 		Hi confusedkitten,

Sorry but I don't have much positive to say and am unable to alay your concerns.

Is it cheating?  Obviously to you it is, as well as him (or at least he didn't feel he was right to do it because he lied, he continued but he lied).  It would be to me as well.  He is spending time, energy, thoughts and emotions on others; that he could be using toward your relationship.

While he may not have physically met another, yet, I (like you) believe it a matter of time.

The other issue I have is:  He is playing with the other women's time, energy, thoughts and emotions; assuming he has no intention of meeting.  He is helping to cause the many threads that appear here along the lines of, "I've been talking to a dom for a while and we were getting along great but he disspeared, why? and aren't there any real dom's out there?"

What he is doing is showing a complete lack of respect for you, your relationship and those other women...in my not so humble opinion.

Saya


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