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RE: How Do You Know - 1/21/2008 1:08:32 AM

MasterFireMaam

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1. Meet them in public for a vanilla-type date first. No playing.
2. Play first at a public dungeon. No sex.
3. If you're questioning, play again at the local dungeon. No sex.
4. If you're finally comfortable, play at home. Usually by them, your gut is telling you something one way or another. Listen to your gut.

Master Fire

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RE: How Do You Know - 1/21/2008 1:20:25 AM

Honsoku

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

1. Meet them in public for a vanilla-type date first. No playing.
2. Play first at a public dungeon. No sex.
3. If you're questioning, play again at the local dungeon. No sex.
4. If you're finally comfortable, play at home. Usually by them, your gut is telling you something one way or another. Listen to your gut.

Master Fire

This is decent general advice. Though before taking it to heart, remember that everyone is different. I personally hate playing in public as I am a very private person and I don't feel the need to show off mad skillz in front of others

. Plus, this assumes that there is a public dungeon to be found. The one bit that you should take to heart is the last four words; Listen to your gut. There is no substitute for good judgment and there are too many factors in life to distill good judgment down to a simple set of rules.

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RE: How Do You Know - 1/21/2008 1:40:38 AM

Focus50

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Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: liketophoto

References are cooberated with people you know from your network of people you have met in the lifestyle and trust.

References are still a long way from being a magic elixir that cures all..... For starters, they tend to leave newbies confronted with a "chicken and egg" paradox because they're new.

But EVERYONE - young or old; newbie or experienced; m or f; D or s etc has *instincts* that react when someone doesn't feel right. The only major flaw is with human nature that will often ignore obvious warning signs that conflict with what we think we want.

First line of defence is to *listen* to your own instincts - you don't need any network to feel safe and having one still doesn't guarantee anything! You're born with what you need most - use what you've got.....

Focus.

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RE: How Do You Know - 1/21/2008 4:20:46 AM

subsfaith

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

quote:

ORIGINAL: kdbell

Ok, I am sure you have been asked this many times. How do you know if a man is truly a Dom or if he is pretending. I had a experience w/a man who supposedly is a Dom who has no respect for any safe words or limits. We prearranged our playtime and I thought everything would be fine. However, during our time together, he went outside the boundaries. This was the first time I with any personally, normally just have chatted as penpals over the internet. I don't want to be discouraged, but I would like to avoid this in the future if possible.

Well, he may still be dominant, but also a dick. The two aren't necessarily exclusive.

I echo the above sentiment entirely.

There are lots of things you can do to ensure your own safety, and I think you are obligated to be aware of your own safety rather than placing the full responsibility on the dominant.

There is the first meeting in a public place. Arranging a safety call with a friend, etc.

I don't think that references are worth shit. If I were to ask someone to vouch for me, the last person I would ask would be the person I last buggered unconsensually.... I would pick someone I have never wronged... a biased account at best.

However, when taking it to the next level I think you need to be more accountable for your personal safety because you really have no experience of who this person is. So, for a play date I would sugest talking about what will actually be happening, ask questions and negotiage the scene. I personally wouldn't allow any form of bondage or restraint in the first few months of regular playing. If bondage is really your thing, then perhaps using elastic bands instead of rope, or a breakable thread, something that allows you to get free IF he breaks he pre-agreed.

It is common sense. Would you give someone your PIN number on a first date? No, of course not..... so why would you allow someone the power to take over entirely and place yourself in an exposed and vunerable position?

Good luck and be safe,
Faith
:: smiles ::

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RE: How Do You Know - 1/21/2008 6:11:21 AM

liketophoto

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< Message edited by liketophoto -- 1/21/2008 6:13:24 AM >

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RE: How Do You Know - 1/21/2008 6:54:07 AM

antipode

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You don't know. I personally like to complete a "do's and don'ts" fetish list with a new sub, I actually will meet with a sub before anything happens, talk over lunch or dinner, and assure myself she wants what she says she wants, and see if we have that little vibe I like. We'll then complete the list and both sign it, and that is a sort of contract, if you will.

I can't say it enough: under the law, going outside of agreed boundaries is date rape, and you can call 911 on the person. Discussing beforehand, and making sure the gentleman understands you will do this, helps too. But most of all, you should in most cases be able to discern whether the person is trustworthy or not. The problem is (you mention online) that you can't figure this out on the Internet or on the phone, you need body language and facial expressions.

Be safe - in the final analysis, you did not do your homework and preparation properly, and paid the price.

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RE: How Do You Know - 1/21/2008 8:23:50 AM

StrictMaster979

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YOU need to follow the basic safety rules about meeting, always in a public place, always with your own car, always have an escape plan, always.

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RE: How Do You Know - 1/21/2008 8:32:29 AM

eyesopened

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From: Tampa, FL
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Here's something to think about. Lots of people agree to play with people they would not trust to hold their wallet. Just a thought.

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RE: How Do You Know - 1/21/2008 9:01:07 AM

SubbieOnWheels

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quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

Here's something to think about. Lots of people agree to play with people they would not trust to hold their wallet. Just a thought.

And a frightening one.

As has been said numerous times here - remember that you're entering into a situation where something can go very wrong and you may not be able to escape from it. Be very aware of what could go wrong and plan as much as possible to avoid it. You can't plan for everything (nobody would ever be alone with someone ever again if they did that), but until the dom demonstrates trustworthiness, don't bestow your trust.

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RE: How Do You Know - 1/22/2008 8:15:54 AM

CCFandhis

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I have always requested to speak to a former sub. If they balk, it isn't a good sign. If they are experienced they can dig up someone in their past that can vouch for them.
Also I've also asked a million questions like what if? what would you do if? how have you dealt with this issue.
I have been a Domme, a Switch and slave and these questions tend to help weed out issues before they happen.

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RE: How Do You Know - 1/22/2008 10:27:22 AM

lalbobbilynn

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i agree with CCFandhis. i ask a billion and one questions, then i rephrase certain questions and ask them again. i ask until i am at ease with the person. Some Doms have not cared for my apporach, others are as gracious as they first presented themselves to be.

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RE: How Do You Know - 1/22/2008 10:36:18 AM

master69dragon

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I think sexy and jack stated it best. You don't know up-front and that is the problem in the community. Too many want to be doms out there pretending to know what they're doing. Now for people truely in the lifestyle it becomes more difficult to find the right person to train with. Yes Master's also train in order to achieve greater accomplishments. There is always something new to learn (sorry a rant there).

So trust your instincts, meet in public places of your choosing, and let the relationship grow.

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RE: How Do You Know - 1/22/2008 8:50:36 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lalbobbilynn

i agree with CCFandhis. i ask a billion and one questions, then i rephrase certain questions and ask them again. i ask until i am at ease with the person. Some Doms have not cared for my apporach, others are as gracious as they first presented themselves to be.

LOL..yep! and the ones who do not wish to answer the 1001 questions or who become inpatient are the ones to avoid..I have done the 1001 way to ask a question in all of its 360 degree angles to one Dominant, and he never lost his patience with answering each and every angle...he was gracious personified..in fact he got quite a kick out of how my mind rotated, and he understood that this was my nature, that this was my way of fully understanding any concept or thought and that it enabled me to understand his way of thinking and his definition of any topic we discussed..this is how a Dominant can build trust with a submissive..This kind of Dominant I could trust with not only my body but with my mind and emotions as well....so never hesitate to ask questions to communicate to your hearts content, until that trust is felt by you..a good Dominant will understand and more than likely respect your caution...Tempting

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RE: How Do You Know - 1/22/2008 9:09:41 PM

SixFootMaster

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Also, be aware that a person may be a Top without being a Dom, just as a submissive can be sadistic. People are pretty complex, and putting them into discrete packages is rarely a good idea. An abusive control freak is not automatically a dominant, it's just someone looking to get their rocks off by beating the crap out of you.

My advice? Listen to yourself, the feedback your feelings and intuition give you. It's not easy, and you're starting from a base of low experience but even so you will "hear" discordant notes in a person pretending to be someone or something they are not. Be grudging with your trust and let it be earned. The more you interact with people, the better your "hearing" will get. You'll recognise the red flags without needing to be explicitly told about them. You'll know what feels right and what doesn't.

Sure, if you can get your hands on by all means consider them - but take them with a grain of salt too. References are not the be-all and end-all of assessment, and you can make just as many mistakes by giving them too much value.

Don't let your need and eagerness supplant your own rationality - when you trust someone, you'll know without a doubt that you do, it won't be a "maybe" thing.

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