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How can i curb my violent streak? sub seeks advice. - 1/21/2008 9:29:40 AM   
Belladonna30


Posts: 43
Joined: 1/18/2008
Status: offline 		Greetings Sirs and Mistresses,

Here is some background on me so You can understand the need for Your aid
i have always been a strong independent female, mother drilled it into me that i am to fear no man and dad was addiment about trust nothing of what you hear and half of what you see and no one you come in contact with. Also, you havent the need to respect or respond to anyone other then that of who signs your paycheck. i work in a male dominated industry (commercial real estate financing).  To avoid authority issues i worked my arse off to start my own business and become my own boss so i wouldnt have to listen to anyone, period. i also have anger issues, i rage on occassion and i am not normally physically violent, i just have a wicked tongue that can do more damage than a blow with a fist. i have struggled with this and for the most part i am able to contain myself. My folks raised me as a Domme essentially and it has aided me in excelling in my work and such but...i am miserable. i am at a constant internal battle and it is making me crazy.

i am 30 years old and although i always new i enjoyed serving the right man, (usually my SO) i have just recently found a man that i feel is worthy of me as a whole. Here is the dilema, years of Domme thinking and upringing and such have made it very difficult for me to stay consistent in my submissiveness. Sir becomes frustrated with me and my defiance when i lash out. i challenge His authority and His ability to dominate me when i get this way, its not all of the time, i seem to have moods when i lose control and challenge Him. i do NOT want to do this to Him anymore, i feel awful and i dont know what to do. I beg for Your input as i am at a loss right now and i desperately seek Dom/Dommes with more experiernce than that of myself and my Sir (He is new as well).

All input is appreciated.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How can i curb my violent streak? sub seeks advice. - 1/21/2008 9:55:02 AM   
mefisto69


Posts: 370
Joined: 1/19/2007
Status: offline 		You've spent your entire life learning this particular attribute. It won't go away on it's own and will be very dificult to work through. You should consider counselling to help you re-channel the anger and authority issues. Your Dom may assist you by charting the events that set you off, have you journal about them and/or - set up stress relief activities for you. You might also want to re-think your orientation...... are you only submissive? Might you be a bottom with sadistic tendencies? Could you be a latent Top or switch?

(in reply to Belladonna30)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: How can i curb my violent streak? sub seeks advice. - 1/21/2008 9:56:47 AM   
Knightenslaves


Posts: 28
Joined: 1/6/2006
Status: offline 		Greetings bella,
The suggestions I am going to put forth for you and your Master will hopefully let you ease into your collar. Understand that submission and or Dominance is not instantaneous. The dynamic and thoughts that go into this life take time and care to accomplish. That being said here are some suggestions to take with a grain or five of salt.

1. Being new is never easy on sub or Dom. If you have the opportunity to join the community at a friendly munch do so and speak to some experienced lifestylers. Might I suggest looking for MAST(Masters and slaves living together).
2. Have a contract...this will essential put into writing that which you and your Master feel in your hearts and minds. When someone breaks the contract or are in doubt it can be referred back to.
3. If you are collared, be made to wear it. A nice choker can be always worn in public and a heavier more lifestyle looking one for at home.
4. Have specific times for discipline, to discuss what is angering you and have it be cathartic to let it out.
5. Have a training schedule and know what you want out of the training. See the contract for more information on that. IE Do I want to be spanked and flogged for all of my training or should it include service and to what degree
6. Keep a journal. I do suggest that the journal be an outlet and your Master agrees that he will not punish you for anything that is in said journal. Have it be a weekly task that He is required to read and discuss with you if need be.
7. You would be suprised how good a scene where you can scream shout and allow your anger to flow away will do for your mind and body
8. Have fun...this is your life, your dynamic...the only requirement is that you enjoy it!

I think Ive said enough, if you need anything further or your Master would like to speak to Me, I would be happy to help in any way possible!
Cheers,
Knight

(in reply to Belladonna30)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: How can i curb my violent streak? sub seeks advice. - 1/21/2008 11:39:51 AM   
enslavederotica


Posts: 7
Joined: 1/18/2008
Status: offline 		hello.

I have the very same problem and recently even lost a master i held close to my heart due to it. I noticed the problem and now i am attacking it. I go to therapy and am "testing the waters" of my submission and the lifestyle. I am getting better in my mind, and training to becomes good at sevring, therefore over time My anger will subside and I will be the slave I know I always could be, and desire to be.

(in reply to Knightenslaves)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: How can i curb my violent streak? sub seeks advice. - 1/21/2008 12:56:30 PM   
kinkypuppy2


Posts: 345
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline 		Patence and even more patience from your Dom.
I think they will find its worth it and you will also

_____________________________

See nic "Kinkypupper" also as "slvseeker" As I cannot reply to any posts or log into collarchat under that name I had to create this profile.

(in reply to Belladonna30)
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RE: How can i curb my violent streak? sub seeks advice. - 1/21/2008 1:27:27 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Serious issues with anger and rage have nothing to do with Ds or Ms relationships. They are seperate issues that are best handled through therapy. However, you'll most likely have to learn to surrender on your own. Most therapists aren't going to be able to teach you that. But, once you have the anger issues worked out, the second part of that should be easier.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Belladonna30)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: How can i curb my violent streak? sub seeks advice. - 1/21/2008 1:58:21 PM   
RoughFN


Posts: 197
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Belladonna30

Sir becomes frustrated with me and my defiance when i lash out. i challenge His authority and His ability to dominate me when i get this way, its not all of the time, i seem to have moods when i lose control and challenge Him. i do NOT want to do this to Him anymore, i feel awful and i dont know what to do. I beg for Your input as i am at a loss right now and i desperately seek Dom/Dommes with more experiernce than that of myself and my Sir (He is new as well).

All input is appreciated.


Your post struck me as funny, and this paragraph in particular. Think about it - you shouldn't be coming here posting and asking for help. He should!

Normally I wouldn't question the sub trying to come forward to ask for advice and help a situation, but step back and honestly decide how much of you posting here is you trying to take control of the situation and figure it out? Old habits die hard, and if you've always been a go-getter and problem solver who takes charge and gives it their all, that could easily be what you're doing here.

I'd say the best strategy is to talk it over with him. Make it clear that you want to submit, you want to behave, you want to be a good girl. You sometimes have these bad streaks and bad days and really want to get over them but aren't sure exactly how to do it or what you need. Make it clear that any bratty behavior isn't really intentional and you don't really want to continue it. Remember, some subs intentionally like to push and fight back regularly, and that's fine. But if that's not you, then make sure he knows it.

Then sit back and let him handle it. It's his responsibility to try different things and see how you react. Do you need punishment? Additional training? Rewards for good behavior? I haven't a clue, but he should be able to figure it out. If he needs help and suggestions, he should come back and post. But watching you and how you react to things that he tries will probably be his best bet in correcting the behavior.

If you really want to submit and obey, then I think the best thing you can do is step back and let him solve the problem. Talk to him, make sure he knows the issues, and then let him handle it. If he's still struggling after a few months and it doesn't look like there's any progress, then at that point you may want to re-address with him. Otherwise, let him drive. That's what you want.

(in reply to Belladonna30)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: How can i curb my violent streak? sub seeks advice. - 1/21/2008 2:51:25 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I disagree with almost everything written in this thread except the advice for therapy given by MasterFireMaam.    Anger and verbal abuse is an unhealthy way of dealing with issues, real or imagined.  Therapy can help you deal with the underlying issues that cause you to erupt in anger and teach you how to deal with those issues in a more healthy and constructive way.

Until you deal with those issues, it is going to be very difficult to form any sort of healthy relationship.  I speak from personal experience as I used to be deeply troubled by anger issues as well.

As for creating a D/s relationship and making it work, it can be done just ignore all the "shoulds" and such.  You don't have to surrender control of this or that, just discuss it and make it work.  Also, don't expect that because you submit that things become easy or that conflict "should" go away.  You are strong willed and have built a successful career, you don't need someone to come in and "parent" you which is what a lot of people tend to do, me included.  Us dominants often do that because it is easier/safer/reassuring to fix you rather than look honestly at ourselves. 

Find out what parts of you that YOU want to surrender, make it clear those are the parts you want to surrender and why and work together to make that happen.

(in reply to RoughFN)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: How can i curb my violent streak? sub seeks advice. - 1/21/2008 8:14:20 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I am a submissive. I have owned my own business, I have put myself through college as a single mom. I have done much on my own and shouldered a lot of responsibility.

I relate somewhat to what you say, and I wonder if I had traveled the path of submissiveness when I was your age if I would not have had some very real anger issues. I had anger issues through my young adulthood, which generally ended up becoming depression because I had trouble dealing with and expressing it in a healthy way... anger is ok, we all feel it at times, it is how it is directed that becomes an issue.

My concern is that, like me, you will turn it in if you do not deal with it. When we do that it becomes physically toxic and becomes depression, and if we do nothing about that it can become anxiety, and if we do nothing about that, it can become chronic disease. Dealing with anger takes self discipline, reflection, and time.

I get angry at my Daddy sometimes because I want what I want, and I have agreed to hand control over some of my wants to him. It is not always fun, and I get frustrated when I want something I need permission to have and he isn't around to ask. I feel resentment at times over it, but I do not hide those feelings from myself, I acknowledge them. I even tell him when I feel that way, and at times he his attitude is "Too bad for you, so sad".... other times he takes pity on me... the thing is I signed up for it, we created this relationship with this structure, and I live with it... and most of the time I live with it happily. I need this sort of relationship. I am fulfilled by it.

The most important thing you can do, and your partner can do is express negative feelings in a calm rational way. And if you cannot do that, take a walk. Trying to solve your problems when you are angry and full of adrenaline is silly and counterproductive. Being disrespectful to each other is a relationship killer.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Belladonna30)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: How can i curb my violent streak? sub seeks advice. - 1/21/2008 8:23:16 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline 		Having little or no control over ones temper is not dominant, strong, or effective. It is, in fact a sign of fear and weakness. Discover what you fear, learn what you desire, and do not accept 'rage' or lashing out as acceptable behaviors in an adult. Surrounding yourself with people who tolerate this sort of behavior is the most self destructive thing you could be doing.

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: How can i curb my violent streak? sub seeks advice. - 1/21/2008 8:51:06 PM   
robertolapiedra


Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hello Belladonna30. Be honest, would you be in a vanilla relationshihip without your submissive urges, do you think it would be any different? Do you think lifestyle has anything to do with these issues? When did all this start?

I would not be in a ds relationship before these personal issues are resolved. What would be wrong in having kinky sex or play without the full time ds mode? You can have a lifestyle that suits the present situation and have it slowly evolve in a natural way.

I think you are putting way too much pressure on yourself in the expectations department. Just learn to trust "your" judgement and then it will be much easier trusting your dom's as things progress.

The only advice I can give you is to stop blaming your upbringing for your 30 year old self lack of responsibility in what is hurting you in the present. You are hurting yourself in the present, not this "movie" of your past struggles that you have in your head.

It is better to focus on what you are doing in the now as this is changeable. What you have is a behaviour problem, not a personality disorder. You change bad behaviour (habit) by replacing it with another that you hope will be better. It cannot be done alone so you have to ask for help, outside help. Someone close to you may help you in a supportive way but that's about it. Discipline in the ds mode is not likely to be of any help for major anger and trust issues.

I wish you well. RL.

(in reply to mefisto69)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: How can i curb my violent streak? sub seeks advice. - 1/22/2008 5:42:50 AM   
Vanatru


Posts: 300
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline 		My thinking is along the lines of Fire and Topcat. These flairs of anger aren't happening in isolation, there is something going on internally and/or externally to provoke this anger response. As Topcat suggests, the most common reason for feeling a need to control/anger is fear of loosing control of the situation and vulnerability. Even if you don't get therapy for it, at least attempt to objectively review these times in the past and see if you can remember what you were thinking/feeling/doing. Such self analysis will lead you to the answer if you are willing to be honest with yourself and your actions and thoughts.

EDIT: btw, I would never act out a sadistic feeling if anger was behind the thought. The same with dominance; I pull back when I'm angry so that I don't say or do stupid things. A dominant needs to control themselves, not control others.

< Message edited by Vanatru -- 1/22/2008 5:46:25 AM >

(in reply to robertolapiedra)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: How can i curb my violent streak? sub seeks advice. - 1/22/2008 7:16:41 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Anger management. It will make you a more effective boss also.

Other than that, he needs to slow down. You're a smart woman who is going to judge what he's doing and why. If it isn't up to your standards, then you won't feel submissive in such situations. Which is fine after you've had a couple of years together and sufficient history of him to trust his judgment. But you don't yet. So ask questions, a lot. Why is he doing this, what is the purpose, etc etc.

Some people are fine with "I'm the dom and I don't have to explain anything". Others aren't. I'm not, and he knew that so I questioned everything for a long time. It wasn't until we had been living together for over six months before I got to a point where I realized I didn't need to know the answer, I just needed to know he hadn't overlooked what I was pointing out. As long as he had planned for it, that was fine. But it took a lot of time to know that he always thought things out in long, methodical detail and therefore I didn't have to second guess him. The level of trust you're talking about will not, and should not, come about on the second date. If he expects otherwise, then he needs to grow up.

In general, when I hit a problem, The Man isn't so insecure that he has to overcome it by brute force that very minute for fear doing otherwise would mean he isn't a twue dominant. He knows this is damn difficult, this submissive business, and is always willing to give me the time and space I need to figure things out. We talk it over and then he drops it and switches to something else he wants to work on while it percolates through my brain. Somewhere in the next six months I always wind up bringing it back up for discussion. Sometimes I can solve the problem fairly quickly and other things have wound up being hard limited. One we tried every six months at most for three years until I finally figured out what was causing the panic. Force wouldn't have worked, him getting angry at me for having an instinctive reaction would have made me trust him less, not more. More than anything else, he wanted to teach me that he can be trusted. And with time, he did.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Vanatru)
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RE: How can i curb my violent streak? sub seeks advice. - 1/22/2008 8:09:46 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		To the op. I have a sub friend just like you. She is single and admits that it will take a very strong man to control or be able to live with her. When she is venting I just stand aside and let her do it. It dosent bother me at all and that bugs the hell out of her. After she is done we carry on like things are normal. We talk a lot about the things that set her off. Do I walk on egg shells around her. Nope. Would I do anything to set her off (grins). You seem set in your ways. As far as getting theraphy for it. I consider that a waste of time. Try a anger management class.

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: How can i curb my violent streak? sub seeks advice. - 1/22/2008 11:44:11 AM   
embersMaster


Posts: 24
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline 		You say that you were taught to trust no one other than the person that signs your paycheck.  Then, you created your own business so that you would not have to trust anyone at all.  This is the problem.  You are asking us to tell you how to trust when you have never trusted before.  We cannot do that. 

The calls for therapy above are correct.  You have personal issues to work on BEFORE you can get into a relationship.  Your whole life has been about not trusting and now you wonder why you don't trust.  Go to therapy, learn to trust, then seek out a Dominant.  Your rage has no place in your D/s relationship.

_____________________________

embersMaster

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: How can i curb my violent streak? sub seeks advice. - 1/22/2008 11:59:23 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Rage can have a place here. It all depends on which type of lifestyle you want to persue. As far as the OP goes you have trusted people or you would not have your busniess. You just need a way to channel your pent up energy.

(in reply to embersMaster)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: How can i curb my violent streak? sub seeks advice. - 1/22/2008 12:29:18 PM   
Belladonna30


Posts: 43
Joined: 1/18/2008
Status: offline 		i am appreciative of all the info, ideas, and feedback that has been given so far.

Therapy has never worked for me, nor have drugs (prescribed) i dont use casual street drugs. Anger management made me want to punch babies as i seriously can't do all the touchy feely crap (sorry if i offend those who like that sort of thing). Frou frou things just aren't my gig, my ex bf tells me i am a haircut away from being a butch lesbian, lol, funny thing is, it doesn't sound too bad at times, lol. im as offensive as they come really and its part of my charm (grins). i love Sir deeply and would do anything for Him, hence why i feel so desperate for help on this. i would walk through fire for Him. There is no doubt in my mind that i can do this, i have succeeded everywhere else in life where i have wanted to so why should this be any different? I quit smoking over a year ago cold turkey after 2 packs a day for 14 years, i can do this, right? Why do i feel like i am failing Him? Sorry for the rant. Thank you all again for being so honest with the answers and comments as well.


(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: How can i curb my violent streak? sub seeks advice. - 1/22/2008 3:38:12 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		You don't want to do this, but you do it. I am not sure why you're asking the question here, do you think we have some kind of magic bullet that is going to change your personality. If this is "learned behaviour", as you say, why can't you turn it off? Perhaps this is you, not the somebody you made, but the somebody you are. Truth or rationalization?

I could go on for hours. If you really think it is a problem that the two of you can't work out, see a therapist.

If you're both new, of course, things are going to be messy for a while. It's a bit like learning to drive from your cousin, who has had her license for three weeks. So maybe that is part of the problem.

You also use the word "violent". I am assuming that isn't accidental phrasing. Being violent means you have no control over your own destructive behaviour. That is not something you're going to resolve on an Internet forum. And it is quite serious.

(in reply to Belladonna30)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How can i curb my violent streak? sub seeks advice. - 1/22/2008 3:54:06 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		If therapy hasn't worked for you, I'd venture to say you haven't found the right therapist yet.  What was uncovered in my own therapy is that my rage was a product of penting back anger from an extremely early age.  When a youngster has no voice and no say in what is happening, the only way he/she learns to express it is through frustration or anger...years of this turns into rage.

Much like you, I lashed out at my Master a lot in my first year as his.  I desperately needed his domination of me, yet internally I fought it.  It wasn't HIM I was fighting, though, it was me.  I didn't want to let down my guard.  I didn't want to break through all those walls I created to protect myself.  The thing is, the tools we learn as youngsters, to get through the pains going on in our worlds, typically serve to hurt us as adults. 

The question I had to ask myself was, why did I feel the need to "protect" myself from my Master?  After all, that's what walls are created to do, right?  Why did I need to fling my amunition at him, in protection of myself?  I found that any time he penetrated deeper into me (emotionally)...any time I let go of a barrier between us, I would rebel.  It was fear and anxiety behind all of this and nothing more.  And no matter how much I wanted to believe I trusted him, until I trusted myself to be able to please him, and until I trusted that I had something worth giving and loving, then I would continue to lash out at him, accusing him of ill intentions with me and causing more drama than either of us wanted.

Not that he would tolerate it.  There were times he seriously considered "To hell with it" and getting rid of me, and who could blame him?  But every time my ugly beast reared its head, he would smack it back down, and then we would spend tons of time talking about it and dissecting what happened (I had LOTS of writing assignments, to analyze my thoughts and feelings about all that had occurred).  The thing is, every time I was "back in place," I felt so much more secure, and so calm, and so grateful for his consistency and toughness.  Perhaps part of it was testing my own boundaries.  But the rage came from something much deeper.  And until I could see that and take responsibility for my response to it, I continued to stumble.

I do wish you well with this.  Recognizing an unhealthy pattern is the first (and big) step. 

(in reply to Belladonna30)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How can i curb my violent streak? sub seeks advice. - 1/22/2008 6:13:34 PM   
mstrj69


Posts: 295
Joined: 5/27/2004
Status: offline 		Does your anger occur as often when you have a good day at the office as when you have had a bad day at work ?  I co-own a business and used to get into it with my co-owner all the time.  Eventually, I realized it was easier on both of us to just walk away and not say anything than to argue.  I then progressed to putting real problems down on paper and then letting them sit overnight and then going back and reading them again.  Most of the time, just writing it down made it easier for me.
Why lash out at your sir's authority or domation of you ?  Is that what you are really upset about ?  Is it how he is doing something ?  If it is, then write it down and later discuss with him why did he take this approach when you feel a dif approach would have accomplished more.  Being new to you, he is trying to dominate you but possibly does not know what works best with you.  Give him the benefit of the doubt but remember to discuss it in a respectful manner.
Therapy never worked for me either, I just had to work myself through my problems and get past them on my own. 

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 20
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