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Married and submissive to another - 1/21/2008 6:01:47 PM   
MsLadySue


Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline 		I've been chatting with a married submissive and a question came to mind that I put to him and would like to hear other's responses. His response is that it would never happen to him since submission is not about emotional attachment.

I'm curious what a married submissive or slave would do if they were to fall madly in love with their Dominant. I suspect this does happen on occasion and if you've experienced this, I'd be interested in hearing what you would do or have done.

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/21/2008 6:18:03 PM   
CuriousLord


Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		The sub's who came to like me more than their boyfriends typically didn't want to come to me (it was understood that wouldn't happen), but they still lost interest and attachment to their boyfriends.  This seems to have contributed to breakups.

It seems to me that a sub with a Dom she could begin to fall for has the potential to begin to lose interest in her husband.. even if she still doesn't want to run off with the Dom.

(in reply to MsLadySue)
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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/21/2008 6:26:44 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		greetings msladysue,

i think it depends on the situation. personally, as i tend to get very emotionally attached to anyone i am having any sort of emotional, sexual, d/s, or what have you relationship with, i prefer for the person dominating me to also be my primary partner (which he is). having submission without a "romantic relationship," so to speak, would feel weird for me.

i know some people feel differently, but it's my experience in polyamory that there then has to be some fluency in your other relationships as well (just as there does in any poly situation, even mine, where my master is also my boyfriend). part of the reason problems can happen, whether it's falling madly in love with the dominant or simply becoming unfulfilled by the boyfriend or husband, is the "grass is greener" mindset and also dysfunction in the individual relationships themselves. it's really important, imho, not to have other relationships out of feeling like there's some lack in the initial relationship, because that's going to cause problems in both relationships. it also helps when there's at least some understanding that emotional attachment with different people can happen and it's okay - we have been poly for as long as we've been together (two years) and learning to live with being in love with different people at the same time has been a huge journey for me (and also learning to cope with the idea that being "in love" does not necessarily have to include a happily-ever-after fantasy).

respectfully,
annabelle.


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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/21/2008 6:58:10 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		It goes to hell in a handbasket.

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/21/2008 7:02:43 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		reminds me of a bumper sticker i have posted above my computer - "where are we going? and why am i in this handbasket?" LOL.

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i have the kind of beauty that moves...

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/21/2008 7:05:10 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hisannabelle

reminds me of a bumper sticker i have posted above my computer - "where are we going? and why am i in this handbasket?" LOL.


Or it rubs the lotion on the skin, THEN it goes to hell in the basket.

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/21/2008 7:25:29 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		You beat me to it.

Yes, things become pretty spectacular and dramatic when that happens.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

It goes to hell in a handbasket.

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/21/2008 7:40:15 PM   
RoughFN


Posts: 197
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsLadySue

I've been chatting with a married submissive and a question came to mind that I put to him and would like to hear other's responses. His response is that it would never happen to him since submission is not about emotional attachment.

I'm curious what a married submissive or slave would do if they were to fall madly in love with their Dominant. I suspect this does happen on occasion and if you've experienced this, I'd be interested in hearing what you would do or have done.


That's the situation I'm in. My girl and I are both married (though not to each other). It didn't take too long for us to get pretty head over heels for each other. When she said that she was starting to develop feelings, I gave her all the standard lectures on the subject and she basically acknowledged the standard concerns and assuaged my concerns on the matter by demonstrating a cool and level head. I ended up telling her I loved her first.

But we both compartmentalize very well. Our feelings for each other are independent of our feelings for our respective spouses. My wife and I agreed a long time ago that we don't care what the other one does with other people so long as we're not affected. Up to and including (and beyond, I guess) falling in love. Just so long as if I fall in love with someone else, I don't fall out of love with my wife.

I look at it the same as any other relationship. You can be close to friends and not have it affect your marriage, we can just get a little closer than most people can and still not have it affect it. It takes a couple of people with a real knack for compartmentalizing, but when two people like that can get together, the results are amazing.

(in reply to MsLadySue)
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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/21/2008 7:51:45 PM   
meticulousgirl


Posts: 969
Joined: 2/20/2007
Status: offline 		i'm sure it depends from situation to situation but, if there is an agreement that there is no relationship than that needs to be reaffirmed at the earliest stage possible after the Dominant notices it. 

~meticulous~

(in reply to RoughFN)
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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/21/2008 8:14:33 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
Just to sound trite and businessey about it, being married poly requires emotional managment skills and workable, liveable boundaries.

The trick is, you don't always know what you are doing or where things are leading.

Jealousies --- are also not something you can control in other people.

In my case it has helped to have a relaxed stable marriage and an understanding supportive wife.

We have taken our marriage to unexpected places. We've been able to negotiate extra marital freedom.

Its exciting to feel free, yet committed to another person.

Its also unburdening to not have the pressure and responsibility to find everything in one other person or to be that person for another.




(in reply to MsLadySue)
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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/21/2008 8:23:11 PM   
MissMagnolia


Posts: 3636
Status: offline 		I was in a situation like that, once upon a time. It was supposed to be fun. It turned out to be anything but.

He swore black and blue that he wouldn't go beyond the feeling of a slave for a Mistress. How does one define that? Eventually, he started talking about leaving his wife because he'd fallen in love with me. I did not love him nor did I want him to leave his wife. Long story short, he had the best of both worlds, wife and Mistress and I was the secret, forbidden love.

No thanks.

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/21/2008 8:55:18 PM   
LadyLolly


Posts: 140
Joined: 5/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsLadySue

I've been chatting with a married submissive and a question came to mind that I put to him and would like to hear other's responses. His response is that it would never happen to him since submission is not about emotional attachment.


Submission is not about emotional attachment?  - that's utter horse pucky!  While hearts aflame is not always the case at least caring is or should be - it is personal after all - not business. 

Is his spouse on board or is this just to be your dirty little secret? If not, he's OK with lying to her to get what he wants and he's plying the same on you looking for a free vending machine.


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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/21/2008 10:10:47 PM   
verysweet


Posts: 128
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy


Its exciting to feel free, yet committed to another person.





This is what I was striving for, too, when we decided to open our marriage.  I am so glad this works for you, it's the ideal.

I entered into a similar situation thinking that my 'core' relationship was on solid footing and could weather any storm.  I would like to believe my husband felt this way, too. 

As my relationship with my Master (then secondary partner) flourished ,  I began to realize that the afore mentioned solid footing was really just a facade and that I had been wallowing in mediocrity for years.  So while I agree that poly can work well if you're in a totally committed relationship, be sure you're committed to the right person. 

And as far as submitting to someone without an emotional attachment, I suppose it works for some people---just not my cup o' tea.  I love him bigtime, and that only enhances all facets of our relationship. 

I also think it's hard at times to differentiate between love of a Master/Mistress and love of the feelings you get when you're with them and sharing something so personal as BDSM.


Edited to correct spelling errors.



< Message edited by verysweet -- 1/21/2008 10:16:41 PM >

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/21/2008 10:58:54 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		I am in a situation just like the OP suggested. Its been an interesting journey thus far.

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 3:04:34 AM   
MsLadySue


Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline 		He and I are just chatting. The distance would not work and I'm not interested in acquiring a married sub. I seek someone single and local that I can call when I want him here.

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In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion.
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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 4:37:17 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		I see a bad moon arisen  i see trouble on the way             

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 4:55:22 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		lets be honest, if some one goes out side the marriage for any thing at at, it is because they are needing something not found in the marriage.

if that thing is not found in the marriage, but then found with another, it will come to a point where big decisions need to be made. ie: which need is greater...love and stability or passion and soul fulfillment...

love and stability usually looses.

passion is a deeply motivating emotion, it is the fuel of wars, suicides, ruined careers, and taj mahals.....stability does not stand much of a chance.

and we have not even yet talked about soul fulfillment....

nothing holds a candle to soul fufillment. ...nothing.

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 5:41:28 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		verysweet and others like you. You are in for a hard fall. Listen to Latexbaby. If you think that wont happen to you then you need a reality check.

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 6:33:50 AM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		crouchingtigress wrote:
lets be honest, if someone goes outside the marriage for any thing at all, it is because they are needing something not found in the marriage.

This assumes that a basic need is the impetus for going outside and that is not always the case. There are plenty of happy couples in open relationships who are open to augment their already happy relationship - not to prop it up.

if that thing is not found in the marriage, but then found with another, it will come to a point where big decisions need to be made.

More assumptions. If you are trying to fill gaping holes in your primary relationship by looking outside it then, yes... that's a recipe for trouble. The arbitrary notion that "that thing" is so compelling and overwhelming is a huge assumption. There are people who do this, to be sure but there are as many who are just looking to fill in a few small gaps in an otherwise fulfilling relationship.

I see happy poly couples and I see miserable monogamous couples and vice versa. To suggest that one way always works and the other always leads to anguish is another huge assumption.


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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 6:40:47 AM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		evility, thank you for that extremely insightful post. i wasn't sure how to respond but you put it perfectly.

annabelle.


_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

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