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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 10:06:53 AM

verysweet

Posts: 128
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

verysweet and others like you. You are in for a hard fall. Listen to Latexbaby. If you think that wont happen to you then you need a reality check.

Quite possibly the fall will be hard. But regardless of what happens, I'm grateful for 'the wake up call' this experience afforded me.

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 10:14:47 AM

LadyLolly

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Joined: 5/21/2005
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Open, poly or mono, different strokes for different folks. How ever, the cornerstone of ANY interaction between parties is trust.
If a party can justify dishonesty with others that they have pledged commitments to and do not honor those commitments - how reliable is placing faith in trusting them to conduct themself any more honorably in another situation? If it looks like poo, smells like poo, feels like poo - don't bother tasting it........

(in reply to Evility)

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 10:38:56 AM

somethndif

Posts: 136
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RoughFN

That's the situation I'm in. My girl and I are both married (though not to each other). It didn't take too long for us to get pretty head over heels for each other. When she said that she was starting to develop feelings, I gave her all the standard lectures on the subject and she basically acknowledged the standard concerns and assuaged my concerns on the matter by demonstrating a cool and level head. I ended up telling her I loved her first.

But we both compartmentalize very well. Our feelings for each other are independent of our feelings for our respective spouses. My wife and I agreed a long time ago that we don't care what the other one does with other people so long as we're not affected. Up to and including (and beyond, I guess) falling in love. Just so long as if I fall in love with someone else, I don't fall out of love with my wife.

I look at it the same as any other relationship. You can be close to friends and not have it affect your marriage, we can just get a little closer than most people can and still not have it affect it. It takes a couple of people with a real knack for compartmentalizing, but when two people like that can get together, the results are amazing.

I am in the same situation. My submissive and I are married to others. We have been together now going on 5 years. I have been married for 22 years and my submissive has been married for about 15 years.

We love each other and are committed to each other, and to our respective spouses. It works for us, but it takes work to make it work. The results ARE amazing. *grin* Its the most intense and satisfying M/s relationship I have had.

This is my third, long-term M/s relationship. The other two were single women and they wanted more from me than I could give to them. The first lasted just under 4 years and the second about 1 1/2 years. My current relationship, with someone who is also married, is perfect for us, and it is stronger and better than ever. I am very, very lucky!

Dan

(in reply to RoughFN)

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 11:52:14 AM

Dnomyar

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The relationships can work out if you can seperate the 2 lifestyles and not let them over lap. You dont need to be with your Dom/Domme 24/7. One day a week should be enough. Even one day a month is enough. I think that it is the Dom/Dommes responsibility to keep it from going over the line.

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 12:23:48 PM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MsLadySue

I'm curious what a married submissive or slave would do if they were to fall madly in love with their Dominant. I suspect this does happen on occasion and if you've experienced this, I'd be interested in hearing what you would do or have done.

It happened to me and I left the abusive husband. Without loving my Master and finally loving myself, I would not have had the strength to do so. The marriage was over years before - I just never had the guts to see it. Best thing that ever happened to me.

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 12:26:57 PM

celticlord2112

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

The relationships can work out if you can seperate the 2 lifestyles and not let them over lap. You dont need to be with your Dom/Domme 24/7. One day a week should be enough. Even one day a month is enough. I think that it is the Dom/Dommes responsibility to keep it from going over the line.

Why should that be the dominant's responsibility? In any relationship, making the relationship work is the responsibility of both sides.

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 1:26:00 PM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

The relationships can work out if you can seperate the 2 lifestyles and not let them over lap. You dont need to be with your Dom/Domme 24/7. One day a week should be enough. Even one day a month is enough. I think that it is the Dom/Dommes responsibility to keep it from going over the line.

Why should that be the dominant's responsibility? In any relationship, making the relationship work is the responsibility of both sides.

For some people (as in my case), the dominant steers the direction the relationship, based on his knowledge of the submissive's thoughts and feelings.

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 4:05:08 PM

cloudboy

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Why are you trying to turn this question into a cheating analysis?

(in reply to LadyLolly)

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 4:12:05 PM

cloudboy

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A lot of varied experiences here. Clearly there are risks in opening up one's marriage. But, as LaM has pointed out, there are risks in being married or being in a monogamous relationship too. (He said that a while back.)

What cracks me up about the CMMB forum and American attitudes in general is the assumption that Marriage is some kind of END POINT or final destination of one's capacity for love and connection to others. What gets me is how so many hold fast to this assumption despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

I applaud those who find alternative solutions to denial and or divorce.

A little creativity can go a long way. The human spirit is both broad and seeking -- and it doesn't have to be irreconcilable with commitment or marriage.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 1/22/2008 4:15:23 PM >

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 4:27:25 PM

girlygurl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MsLadySue

I've been chatting with a married submissive and a question came to mind that I put to him and would like to hear other's responses. His response is that it would never happen to him since submission is not about emotional attachment.

I'm curious what a married submissive or slave would do if they were to fall madly in love with their Dominant. I suspect this does happen on occasion and if you've experienced this, I'd be interested in hearing what you would do or have done.

I have fallen in love with Him, and I continue to love Him.

girly

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 4:32:01 PM

Maestro66babycak

Posts: 396
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MsLadySue

I've been chatting with a married submissive and a question came to mind that I put to him and would like to hear other's responses. His response is that it would never happen to him since submission is not about emotional attachment.

I'm curious what a married submissive or slave would do if they were to fall madly in love with their Dominant. I suspect this does happen on occasion and if you've experienced this, I'd be interested in hearing what you would do or have done.

I can answer your question. My husband killed my love about 5 years ago when he started throwing my things in the garbage after the doctos told him i was going to die. I came home after a month in the hospital and found that most of my clothes and all of my writings and paintings were in the garbage.
Once I recovered from that pain and shattered heart I started looking for a Master. One found me Dec.24, 2004. Master Jess.
I have since fallen hopelessly in love with him, and he uses that love against me every chance he gets. He has turned very sadistic lately and its killing me. He promised me he wouldnt keep looking for a 24/7 if did the things a 24/7 would do, so I started learning what he wanted me to do, but the moment I did something wrong he told me that the only way he would keep me is if he was allowed to 'be with' anyone he wanted . He calls me his part time- which hurts me and he knows it does. He punishes me by not letting me see him because he knows it breaks my heart to be away from him.
Once when he got angry at me for hating the woman he was fucking behind my back and told me that I had no right to be angry because He did not belong to Me and He would NEVER love me.
I still do love him- masochist must be my middle name- I am not asking for advice. I am simply saying this:
If you have a sadistic Master NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM-YOU WILL REGRET IT !!!

Does that answer your question hon?

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 5:06:27 PM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MsLadySue

His response is that it would never happen to him since submission is not about emotional attachment.

i think statements that begin with 'never' are always the wealest link.

Maybe he has had more experience in being in a vanilla marriage than in being within a bdsm dynamic as a submissive. Being submissive is not being catered for in his marriage or is it? If it is not, then he is obviously prepared to have a double life and to risk needing his submission more than what, at this time, his marriage is offering. The marriage cannot be wholly fulfilling can it?

Personally i am unable to detach my emotions from my bdsm activities. i have an emotional attachment to My Master far greter than anything i ever felt for three husbands. i would use the word adore to describe it and the relationsip is one which not only invovles my emotions but pushes my limits to my understanding of them.

Never say never say....i say.

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 5:30:33 PM

mstrj69

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I always ask the married submissive if their husband knows of their desire to submit and then tell them I want to meet the husband. It normally ends there as they have lied to me about him knowing. I have no problems talking online only with a married submissive and helping her but meeting in person, that has yet to take place. Most of the people I have talked to about this have been the single submissive while he does not want to leave his wife and she wants him to do so or in one occassion, he wanted to lend her out to other dominants to justify what he was doing behind her back. Like you said, long distance especially can not work unless he is going to have you stay in his house with his wife there and knowing what is going on betweeen the two of you. The male and female rolls can be reversed if so desired.

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 5:38:17 PM

denika

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I am madly in love with my Dom, as well as madly in love with my husband. It kind of happened by accident. Wolf and I have been freinds for over a year and I finally decided to take a step towards the future instead of standing by the sidelines, neither of us knew it was going to go where it did, it started off as play and we both quickly realised we connected well, them as time went on we both realised we loved each other. Our primary partner's come first but we are both very lucky that they allow us the relationship we have. Being in love with Wolf has made the experiences we share that much more.I've been 'just' the bottom and it wasn't very fulfilling, it made me feel like I was not good enough to be anything more, Rob and Wolf (and Wolf's wife) have spent a lot of time helping me correct that thinking. We are in a poly relationship so it works for us, for other's being in love might be a challenge.

Wolf's denika

(in reply to MsLadySue)

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 7:02:59 PM

SirJohnMandevill

Posts: 546
Joined: 11/10/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: meticulousgirl

i'm sure it depends from situation to situation but, if there is an agreement that there is no relationship than that needs to be reaffirmed at the earliest stage possible after the Dominant notices it.

~meticulous~

Interestingly, the only married submissive I know who has been in that approximate situation experienced it from the other side: Her Dom had feelings for her, so she got out of the relationship. Apparently, she's also hearing some similar words from her current Dom, and it's making her uncomfortable.

Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink)

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Iam an eroticist
I am a fully eroticized being
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With the deviant ingredient
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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 8:10:39 PM

MsLadySue

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Supposedly, this sub's wife is his dominant, but she also enjoys switching so they have an open relationship. What he told me is she'd enjoy a weekend with him visiting me so she could have her own fun. I was informed that she is pleased he's interested in me and he's more than welcome to come spend weekends.

I have no idea if this is true or simply a story for my benefit and I don't care one way or the other. I have no intention of getting involved with this person other than online chat.

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I love it when someone insults me. That means I don't have to be nice anymore.

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/22/2008 11:00:08 PM

LadyLolly

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I have no problem with poly/open what so ever as I prefer a household myself. I have no problem per say with married with thier spouse's knowledge and consent and have on occasion taken on a married sub under those conditions. I do take issue with liars and cheats and frankly that is the category that the vast majority of married's seeking extra cirricular fall into. With the information provided and the predominantly bogus statement of no emotional evolvement, that's exactly what it smelled like - yet another cheater. Calls 'em as I see 'em.

Now, my interpretation with what the OP origionally provided was that this fellow was trying to tell her what she wanted to hear in order to persude her to take him on. IE, he would not get attached = no threat to my marriage.  As it turns out with further information provided it was supposedly a general discussion question only - but then again she does go on to state that he is interested in her and his wife/Domme is encouraging it.

With that said, the bulk of responders have also agreed that maintaining no emotional attachment is the exception rather than the rule, compartmentalized or not.   Even if he, coming from an open/poly house can do so, she may not.

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/23/2008 9:31:27 AM

roland23

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Both of my subs are married and live far away. One has been separated from her husband, so that doesn't really count. The other lives with her husband and has no intention of leaving him. I have no intention of leaving my wife. Whatever happened to secrecy? Has the web destroyed this? My situation seems to be VERY common outside of the US especially in East Asia and Europe. Why can't we tolerate others? Why can't we live and let live in this country?

What happens in the motel room, stays in the motel room!

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/23/2008 9:43:47 AM

HerBoudoir

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quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

What happens in the motel room, stays in the motel room!

Except of course...you're NOT leaving it in the motel room when you post about it online, tell friends about it, demand tolerance for it.

quote:

Whatever happened to secrecy?

The only way to make sure your secrets get kept is to keep them to yourself, rather than trusting those you told will keep the secret better than you did.

The minute you tell someone else about it - it's no longer a secret. The minute you tell a friend....that friend will have opinions about it, maybe positive, maybe negative - you have no control over their perceptions and reactions. The minute you post about it online, someone may or may not be judgemental - you have no control over their perceptions and their reactions.

The one thing you can control? If you actually keep it a secret yourself.

Just a thought.

< Message edited by HerBoudoir -- 1/23/2008 10:06:45 AM >

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RE: Married and submissive to another - 1/23/2008 10:07:39 AM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

His response is that it would never happen to him since submission is not about emotional attachment.

Lady Sue,
Some others have touched on valid points concerning the above reference in your OP. I'll add another.

Stipulating that there is no 'rule' or 'one true way' reference implied; I've never had an experience where I was dominating another in the context of WIITWD without some level of "emotional attachment". Granted there are is an infinite range of 'levels' but the level is never zero. When it was, or is, there is no interest in dominance. Maybe it is, but I don't think the sentiment is limited to me or my particular side of the flogger. My 'kink' places emotional, mental intercourse as a key ingredient for initiating any physical encounter. It is for that reason that I can't apply the modifier 'casual' to any lifestyle 'play' anymore than I would apply it to a sexual encounter.

On the other issue of marriage and fidelity the definition of 'cheater' is one of consent. Whether labeled spouse or significant other, the implication of a relationship exists. If you appreciate that regardless of any disclaimer to the contrary, either or both of you can end up emotionally or mentally invested as a result of your physical encounter you should discuss it with your current partner. Within a relationship you should have enough confidence and trust in your partner to disclose the facts and get consent. After that - go for it; with you eyes and your partner's eyes wide open.

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