RE: Married and submissive to another

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RoughFN -> RE: Married and submissive to another (1/23/2008 11:10:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Maestro66babycak If you have a sadistic Master NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM-YOU WILL REGRET IT !!! I think that suggestion's a bit harsh. I'm a very sadistic master, and I've got at least two girls in love with me, so I'm not that bad. Nothing wrong with falling in love with a sadist. I'd suggest that your advise is better phrases as "If you have an asshole Master, never fall in love with him - you will regret it." But don't lump all us sadists together with that dick as being unloveable.

CalifChick -> RE: Married and submissive to another (1/23/2008 11:25:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RoughFN I think that suggestion's a bit harsh. I'm a very sadistic master, and I've got at least two girls in love with me, so I'm not that bad. Nothing wrong with falling in love with a sadist. Who is the other one Rough? Huh huh huh? It's that ho Kali isn't it?? Ummm, ermmm, you were counting me as one, weren't you?? [:)] quote: I'd suggest that your advise is better phrases as "If you have an asshole Master, never fall in love with him - you will regret it." But don't lump all us sadists together with that dick as being unloveable. I had to read that three times before I realized it did NOT say "all us sadists without a dick"... I was thinking, "I might have just fallen OUT of love with Rough". Cali (who may be shallow but for whom dick is definitely a requirement)

Jeffff -> RE: Married and submissive to another (1/23/2008 11:28:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChic I had to read that three times before I realized it did NOT say "all us sadists without a dick"... I was thinking, "I might have just fallen OUT of love with Rough". Cali (who may be shallow but for whom dick is definitely a requirement) Well speaking as a person with sadistic tendancies...I can only imagine how mean I would be without a dick! Jeff

LadyLolly -> RE: Married and submissive to another (1/23/2008 11:57:36 AM)
That is your choice. How you choose to rationalize it is also your choice. The consequences of those choices need to also be kept to yourself and not bleed onto others. Tough luck for the non-consenting spouses and families involved though I guess. If a cheated on spouse hires a PI, I don't care to be named and dragged into court because I'm there also. Worse yet if a betrayed spouse goes postal - no thanks, don't bring it to my door. Nor do I want to be put in a position where I'm looked to cover for it. For these reasons this choice can impact others and exclusion of marrieds without spousal consent from dungeons and private play parties is justifyable. So rack up those frequent flyer motel miles and keep others out of it. Aside from that, there is the consent issue it self. SSC bylaws and all. The non-consenting spouse is very much an issue. It's considered extremely bad form to use another's collared slave or submissive without the owners consent - why would poaching on a non-consenting spouse be any different? Oh, I get it - because you want to. Makes all the difference in the world. Better lock up the kids around you just in case you get a taste for it next and find some justification for that as well. Still draw the line at children? Some countries in East Asia don't, so following the same logic that should be tolerated and accepted as well I suppose. Apparently the concepts of Honor and Intregrity are subject to whim and convienience, a matter of expediency for you. How dare you get all indignant and self righteous claiming the moral high-road of tolerance - you don't have the currancy to claim it. Keep your tawdry "secrets" secret and don't look for condonment from this quarter.

LPslittleclip -> RE: Married and submissive to another (1/23/2008 3:02:39 PM)
I'm a married submissive and my wife not only accepts my M'Lady she had dinner with her over x-mas. it is a lot of work to make a poly family but as has been stated before why are we only allowed to love one person. Ive been married for 18 years military for 19 been to 3 war zones. i have seen enough hate and hurt i am going to show love kindness and respect to all. i trust both my wife and my M'Lady i love them both, were happy and thats all that matters. what works for us wont necessarily work for someone else, the one single thing that i can say is trust is most important in any relationship. happily collared by LadyPact happily married to Tracy

YourhandMyAss -> RE: Married and submissive to another (1/23/2008 6:10:39 PM)
What you describe sounds like a messed up pychopathic man, More than anything to do with Sadisim in the way of bdsm. Not all sadists are pychopaths, as the one you're describing appears to be. quote: ORIGINAL: Maestro66babycak I can answer your question. My husband killed my love about 5 years ago when he started throwing my things in the garbage after the doctos told him i was going to die. I came home after a month in the hospital and found that most of my clothes and all of my writings and paintings were in the garbage. Once I recovered from that pain and shattered heart I started looking for a Master. One found me Dec.24, 2004. Master Jess. I have since fallen hopelessly in love with him, and he uses that love against me every chance he gets. He has turned very sadistic lately and its killing me. He promised me he wouldnt keep looking for a 24/7 if did the things a 24/7 would do, so I started learning what he wanted me to do, but the moment I did something wrong he told me that the only way he would keep me is if he was allowed to 'be with' anyone he wanted . He calls me his part time- which hurts me and he knows it does. He punishes me by not letting me see him because he knows it breaks my heart to be away from him. Once when he got angry at me for hating the woman he was fucking behind my back and told me that I had no right to be angry because He did not belong to Me and He would NEVER love me. I still do love him- masochist must be my middle name- I am not asking for advice. I am simply saying this: If you have a sadistic Master NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM-YOU WILL REGRET IT !!! Does that answer your question hon?

kitttty -> RE: Married and submissive to another (1/23/2008 9:09:19 PM)
quote: I can answer your question. My husband killed my love about 5 years ago when he started throwing my things in the garbage after the doctos told him i was going to die. I came home after a month in the hospital and found that most of my clothes and all of my writings and paintings were in the garbage. Once I recovered from that pain and shattered heart I started looking for a Master. One found me Dec.24, 2004. Master Jess. I have since fallen hopelessly in love with him, and he uses that love against me every chance he gets. He has turned very sadistic lately and its killing me. He promised me he wouldnt keep looking for a 24/7 if did the things a 24/7 would do, so I started learning what he wanted me to do, but the moment I did something wrong he told me that the only way he would keep me is if he was allowed to 'be with' anyone he wanted . He calls me his part time- which hurts me and he knows it does. He punishes me by not letting me see him because he knows it breaks my heart to be away from him. Once when he got angry at me for hating the woman he was fucking behind my back and told me that I had no right to be angry because He did not belong to Me and He would NEVER love me. I still do love him- masochist must be my middle name- I am not asking for advice. I am simply saying this: If you have a sadistic Master NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM-YOU WILL REGRET IT !!! yeah, that is called a sociopath, not a sadist. Although I'm not sure there is such a thing as a healthy relationship with an emotional/psychological sadist.

cainssub -> RE: Married and submissive to another (1/23/2008 9:26:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cloudboy A lot of varied experiences here. Clearly there are risks in opening up one's marriage. But, as LaM has pointed out, there are risks in being married or being in a monogamous relationship too. (He said that a while back.) What cracks me up about the CMMB forum and American attitudes in general is the assumption that Marriage is some kind of END POINT or final destination of one's capacity for love and connection to others. What gets me is how so many hold fast to this assumption despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. I applaud those who find alternative solutions to denial and or divorce. A little creativity can go a long way. The human spirit is both broad and seeking -- and it doesn't have to be irreconcilable with commitment or marriage. I agree wholeheartedly. I am married and submit to others. my husband is new to the lifestyle and just getting his feet wet so to speak. I wandered out of the marriage to explore my submissive side and he knows all about it, ALL of it. We're opening our marriage to explore together and it just might work for us, might not. who knows but theres only one way to find out! i was recently released by my Master and that is painful for me, but hubby is understanding in ways i never thought possible....proof positive open relationships can work and it is possible to love more than one man.....and i have a good Dom friend who is protecting me at the moment, and hubby knows all about Him too.....i went to Sea World with him last weekend....sighs

LadyLolly -> RE: Married and submissive to another (1/23/2008 10:39:03 PM)
If you've read my other statements - poly, open, consenting vanilla and the like is a non-issue. Nothing wrong under the sun between consenting adults within the confines of SSC. At issue is a matter of lack of consent due to dishonesty, the absence of integrity regarding an existing agreement/contract/marriage in place where one or more parties are not privy to the fact that the agreement is being breached due to deceit and/or omission. That is what is not kosher. Has no bearing on any monagomous, non-monagomous, poly or open arrangement of any type that all parties involved, either directly or by overlapping contract/agreement, have knowledge of and consented to. 100% agree that trust is critical and what dishonest person is trust worthy?

hisannabelle -> RE: Married and submissive to another (1/24/2008 4:52:55 AM)
ladylolly, i have a feeling you're preaching to the choir.

SailingBum -> RE: Married and submissive to another (1/24/2008 5:10:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Evility crouchingtigress wrote: lets be honest, if someone goes outside the marriage for any thing at all, it is because they are needing something not found in the marriage. This assumes that a basic need is the impetus for going outside and that is not always the case. There are plenty of happy couples in open relationships who are open to augment their already happy relationship - not to prop it up. if that thing is not found in the marriage, but then found with another, it will come to a point where big decisions need to be made. More assumptions. If you are trying to fill gaping holes in your primary relationship by looking outside it then, yes... that's a recipe for trouble. The arbitrary notion that "that thing" is so compelling and overwhelming is a huge assumption. There are people who do this, to be sure but there are as many who are just looking to fill in a few small gaps in an otherwise fulfilling relationship. I see happy poly couples and I see miserable monogamous couples and vice versa. To suggest that one way always works and the other always leads to anguish is another huge assumption. I have to agree with tigeress ... something is lacking in the relationship... otherwise why do it??? tigeress didn't say anything about weather or nonot they were happy ... she just stated "something" was lacking in the relationship. One could only guess what each couples motives are... BadOne

Evility -> RE: Married and submissive to another (1/24/2008 6:25:55 AM)
quoting SailingBum: I have to agree with tigress ... something is lacking in the relationship... otherwise why do it? I never said that there was not or could not be something missing or absent. What I said was that this "something" does not always have to be a critical life or death need that necessitates major life decisions if found in another partner. Her post assumed that people who open up their relationships do so to search for these basic relationship needs and that isn't always the case. She used the term need when often people just do this because they want to. tigress didn't say anything about whether or not they were happy ... She implied that the open relationship was driven by a lack of fulfillment and also impled that if either of these people found what they were needing in another relationship then they would be facing very hard decisions. This does happen, indeed... but it is not the basis of every open relationship. If open realtionships failed each and every time - if there was absolutely no anecdotal evidence that they can work - then people likely would not attempt them. There is evidence that thay work and that is why people sometimes exercise that option. No single relationship model works or fails all the time in every scenario.

SailingBum -> RE: Married and submissive to another (1/24/2008 7:01:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Evility quoting SailingBum: I have to agree with tigress ... something is lacking in the relationship... otherwise why do it? I never said that there was not or could not be something missing or absent. What I said was that this "something" does not always have to be a critical life or death need that necessitates major life decisions if found in another partner. Her post assumed that people who open up their relationships do so to search for these basic relationship needs and that isn't always the case. She used the term need when often people just do this because they want to. tigress didn't say anything about whether or not they were happy ... She implied that the open relationship was driven by a lack of fulfillment and also impled that if either of these people found what they were needing in another relationship then they would be facing very hard decisions. This does happen, indeed... but it is not the basis of every open relationship. If open realtionships failed each and every time - if there was absolutely no anecdotal evidence that they can work - then people likely would not attempt them. There is evidence that thay work and that is why people sometimes exercise that option. No single relationship model works or fails all the time in every scenario. Thanks for clearing up what your meaning is. It seems like your spliting hairs between need and want. Let's face it all ppl need is food, water and fire the rest is just gravy. The rest is wants or desires. Personally I think it's a slippery slope to bring a 3rd into a otherwise solid relationship. I would have trouble keeping the dynamics of 3 sets of feelings in perspective but that's me. Two girls in my life would be double trouble.

celticlord2112 -> RE: Married and submissive to another (1/24/2008 7:11:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SailingBum Thanks for clearing up what your meaning is. It seems like your spliting hairs between need and want. Let's face it all ppl need is food, water and fire the rest is just gravy. The rest is wants or desires. Personally I think it's a slippery slope to bring a 3rd into a otherwise solid relationship. I would have trouble keeping the dynamics of 3 sets of feelings in perspective but that's me. Two girls in my life would be double trouble. It seems to me the hair that is being split (and it is a relevant hair, I think) is the one between what one person wants/needs/desires and what the couple wants/needs/desires. I suspect it goes without saying that when one person acts unilaterally (for whatever reason), the relationship has major problems. If a couple acts in concert,, the relationship is likely healthy and strong.

Evility -> RE: Married and submissive to another (1/24/2008 8:43:47 AM)
quoting: SailingBum Personally I think it's a slippery slope to bring a 3rd into a otherwise solid relationship. I would have trouble keeping the dynamics of 3 sets of feelings in perspective but that's me. Two girls in my life would be double trouble. It's only a slippery slope to you, though. That's the point I am trying to make, both here and in my reply to tigress. It's a slippery slope for some couples to bring tax deductions into the relationship. What presents a challenge will always vary from couple to couple. Adding extra people to the mix is a challenge for most any couple. Some couples will flourish in this dynamic while others will flounder and for some it is not an option even if they wanted to. It doesn't always work - I know firsthand as I have been in one that did not go as planned - but too many folks have the mindset that it's a bad idea in general simply because it would be a bad idea for them. People also too often assume that when a couple opens up their relationship that something must be wrong. Sometimes that is the case and other times it is not.

backseatbebe -> RE: Married and submissive to another (1/24/2008 10:11:12 AM)
only a guy would say something so stupid!!! thats like the words no strings attached, who are these people kidding anyways im curious why would a Dom/me want someones body and not their soul? there is no challenge in dominating someone but breaking them and making them yourself mentally is a challenge quote: ORIGINAL: MsLadySue I've been chatting with a married submissive and a question came to mind that I put to him and would like to hear other's responses. His response is that it would never happen to him since submission is not about emotional attachment.

SailingBum -> RE: Married and submissive to another (1/24/2008 7:35:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Evility quoting: SailingBum Personally I think it's a slippery slope to bring a 3rd into a otherwise solid relationship. I would have trouble keeping the dynamics of 3 sets of feelings in perspective but that's me. Two girls in my life would be double trouble. It's only a slippery slope to you, though. That's the point I am trying to make, both here and in my reply to tigress. It's a slippery slope for some couples to bring tax deductions into the relationship. What presents a challenge will always vary from couple to couple. Adding extra people to the mix is a challenge for most any couple. Some couples will flourish in this dynamic while others will flounder and for some it is not an option even if they wanted to. It doesn't always work - I know firsthand as I have been in one that did not go as planned - but too many folks have the mindset that it's a bad idea in general simply because it would be a bad idea for them. People also too often assume that when a couple opens up their relationship that something must be wrong. Sometimes that is the case and other times it is not. Yep live and let live. I will agree that some folks will make that assesment based purely on it's not something they would consider. There are quite a few close minded ppl that think.... think that is not something I would do so You must be wrong for doing it... or my personal fav "they must be nuts" BadOne

SailingBum -> RE: Married and submissive to another (1/24/2008 7:45:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: backseatbebe only a guy would say something so stupid!!! thats like the words no strings attached, who are these people kidding anyways im curious why would a Dom/me want someones body and not their soul? there is no challenge in dominating someone but breaking them and making them yourself mentally is a challenge quote: ORIGINAL: MsLadySue I've been chatting with a married submissive and a question came to mind that I put to him and would like to hear other's responses. His response is that it would never happen to him since submission is not about emotional attachment. Apparently in his view submission is not about the attachment... nothing wrong with that. I can't remember where but I know I have heard the term casual play somewhere.... maybe it was in Websters. Another stupid guy

NakedOnMyChain -> RE: Married and submissive to another (1/24/2008 7:51:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsLadySue I've been chatting with a married submissive and a question came to mind that I put to him and would like to hear other's responses. His response is that it would never happen to him since submission is not about emotional attachment. I'm curious what a married submissive or slave would do if they were to fall madly in love with their Dominant. I suspect this does happen on occasion and if you've experienced this, I'd be interested in hearing what you would do or have done. Ideally, a person can love more than one person. They can have a fulfilling, loving relationship with their dominant and not let it affect the fulfilling, loving relationship they have with their spouse. I have seen this work. I have seen all parties involved in such a relationship gain immeasurably from it. Unfortunately, people are people. Cue the Depeche Mode It doesn't work for everyone. The submissive, the dominant and especially the spouse must be stable, well-adjusted people who are confident in themselves and their abilities to pull it off. You have to be right with yourself before you can be right with one partner, let alone two. Communication and open discussion are key here. As a disclaimer, I have not read the entire thread yet, merely the original post. I'll be scanning through the rest directly.

SailingBum -> RE: Married and submissive to another (1/24/2008 8:01:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: celticlord2112 quote: ORIGINAL: SailingBum Thanks for clearing up what your meaning is. It seems like your spliting hairs between need and want. Let's face it all ppl need is food, water and fire the rest is just gravy. The rest is wants or desires. Personally I think it's a slippery slope to bring a 3rd into a otherwise solid relationship. I would have trouble keeping the dynamics of 3 sets of feelings in perspective but that's me. Two girls in my life would be double trouble. It seems to me the hair that is being split (and it is a relevant hair, I think) is the one between what one person wants/needs/desires and what the couple wants/needs/desires. I suspect it goes without saying that when one person acts unilaterally (for whatever reason), the relationship has major problems. If a couple acts in concert,, the relationship is likely healthy and strong. Good point. I woundn't hazard a guess as to the motives for bringing a 3rd in or the status of their relationship. I've toyed with the idea over the years. At one point almost acted on it. I coundn't see a upside to it other than the variation of sexual partners which may or may not have been a upside. I remember thinking why take the risk of potentially ruining a great relationship when the downside could be losing what I had invested <I don't mean money> in this girl. In other words if it ain"t broke don't fix it. BadOne

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