ServiceNeeded
Posts: 12
Joined: 2/7/2007
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Mindwarp, You seem like a very kind, sincere person.
I am sorry to hear you have had so many struggles in your life, from medical to now taking care of parents, to feeling rejected for one reason or another. I can understand how that would affect you and make you feel bad and for that I am truly sorry those things have happened to you.
However, None of that is anyone else's fault. Or yours.
From your profile and your posts, it seems like you have a lot of hurt feelings and frustrations that have been pent up and perhaps counseling, or someone to help you process and move past these things would help. Because at present, you have way too uch "baggage" to be attractive to most women. [sorry, but it's true!! I would never normally say this, but you Asked for why you are not finding someone to have a relationship and that is why dear.] -- While there may be specific things that someone might not like, they might be able to get over that one thing........ but not 10 things and someone resentful, needy, with a bad attitude.
Please understand fully: I am not accusing you. I am not saying it is your "fault" that bad things have happened to you or even that you are upset/hurt by things --- I am saying that you have to move past it... or at least some of the things before you will be "attractive" to someone. How will you know when you are past it? -- When your entire profile isn't your sucky life story, when you don't complain to strangers about something they have no control over as your only conversation starter, when you don't think about it all the time, when your life is filled with other interests and you can talk with others/write about them and be interresting, when you do not blame others for not loving you, emailing you back, when you do not blame yourself.
When you think of yourself as attractive.
Your profile gives way way WAAAAYYY to much info about your "issues" [which we all have by the way ;), just don't say it all at once!], it is clear you are not comofrtable with yourself and gain most of your self-worth from others-- what if someone can't give you that? They are thinking they don't want to be responsable for Your Happiness or self-worth. It looks like you have very sensitive feelings, which can be hard for others to deal with, and that you might not have the social skills to discuss a session, boundaries, etc. As it is, you sound very very very very needy, way too sensitive, clingy, and not relly sure what skills your bring to the table.
My suggestions would be:
1. Edit your profile --- no one needs to know every bad thing that has ever happened to you, so delete some of the "needy"/negative. Also, add some positive, like talk about your job, hobbies, favorite, movie or other interest so if you are not able to approach others, they have a reason/something to ask you about and you seem INTERESTING! not boring.
2. Edit your profile to have a picture of you Smiling, having FUN! --- lips closed, straight on, arms crossed, is not really a good, approachable look for anyone.
3. Get counseling for some of the things that have happened/are happening in your life so it is not dumped all on your partner and so you don't have to talk about it with someone you are with right off because you will have someone else (therapist) to talk about it with. It sounds like you have a little bit higer stress life than the average person, so there is no shame in needing someone to talk to. Taking care of parents and dealing with long-term rejection are both very trying experiences that I think anyone would need help with, honestly. The bennefits are such: a. That person can actually Help you. b.You have an outlet for your frustrations. C.***The person you DO see is not burdeoned by 100% of your issues.
4. No seriously, get counseling so you can be more happy, reguardless of when you find someone to be with. :)
5. Let go. Of, well, things..... No one owes you a return email. GET OVER IT. They didn't ask you to email them!! So they don't owe you anything back. Of course, they should not be rude, but even if they are, that is on THEM! not you. Let go of the idea that someone is supposed to love you as you are ---- do some work so that you are more attractive (emotionally) and think about it, would you love you right now? Let go of the idea that the person you ARE with Owes you anything -- they are not responaible for your happiness or self-worth.
And the thought that they are is what is driving them away, it's like person repellant.
6. If you don't already have one, get a hobby.
If you do have one, spend more time doing it or try a new one. It really really doesn't matter what it is. This will give you something to talk about other than your problems, make you more interresting, possibly help you be more social (like if you pick something like following a sports team at bars/parties, or board games).
If you really have no set places to hang out or find that uncomfortable, take a class of some kind. Art class, dance, academic, cooking, for god's sakes SOMEthing, lol! ;) -- You might meet people through class or even if you are still shy, at least it will get you back into things, see others be social, learn from example, and maybe someone will approach you and talk. YOU have to be the one to force yourself a little bit to be social or no one will ever have an opportunity to talk with you or you to get comfortable. You may never feel 100% comfortable with socail situations, but you know what, no one does.
Doing something social or taking up a hobby will also help keep your mind off your own porblems and make you feel like you have some good things going on in your life.
And, as previously indicated-- There is almost nothing worse as a [guy] that has nothing to talk about other than bdsm. Bor-Ing. It's like, not only might that person have trouble talking with others, but other people have trouble talking with him!
7. When you know you are going out [to be with people, take your class, hobby, even a bdsm play party!] PLAN before-hand of 2-3 things to talk about. This can help you have confidence at the time since you have a few things prepared and may help you approach others or when they approach you, they can see how interresting and smart you are because you had interresting things to talk about! :) other than just answering yes/no questions.
Some examples are: newspaper headlines, if you don't get the newspaper you can look online, there are plenty! If you have an interest in a field like history or astronomy or something that you already like, be up-to-date on new things going on that you can tell others about when you are social! It is interresting, and shows something of yourself because you have interests/hobbies.
You could plan to talk about a tv show or movie that you saw that was interresting. or something like that. But just think of 2-3 things Before you leave the house and it might make you feel more secure when talking with others. :)
8. TALK TO PEOPLE. lol, i know, i know, but seriosuly, when you do go out, make a goal like "I am going to approach 3 people before I leave." and tell yourself that you can't leave till you do it. Practice makes perfect and if the people don't like you, oh well, they can leave or you can not see them again, but at least you are trying.
What do you say? "Hi, how are you?" What's your name? cool, my name is ______. That's all you have to do if you don't feel comfortable going further, just to get some practice and get going.
Step 2 would be people generally comment on something the person is wearing like "I like your scarf." "You have really pretty eyes." "Your shoes are great." or something like that are very easy conversation starters.
I really wish you the best. :) I think there are a LOT of people in your situation -- that have had bad things happen in their lives and are very self-concious about themselves and have trouble socializing.
I think when you are at the level that you seriously do NOT know what you are doing "wrong" and are not aware at all of how to go forward -- ie: you are posting on an online message board for help from strangers ;) -- You are at the point where you need a therapist to help you figure out what would be best to do/how to change. Because it is very very hard if not impossible to do on your own. I don't think anyone could make the degree of changes we are talking about here on their own, I mean, that's exactly why they haven't already ya know! -- they would need a friend acting as therapist or a therapist.
I think when you are at the point that you are blaming others for your self-worth, happiness, and blaming them [even stragners your send an email to] for not loving you , you need to consider talking to a therapist that can help you appropriotely place your feelings of frustration/etc. so that they don't get huled at everyone else because right now, it would not be attractive to anyone.
YOU are probably a very attractive person, and we want people to see that. But that is very very hard to see the way you are currently presenting yourself, depressing attitude, and needy exterior. I think you have probably done what you are capable doing by yourself, and everyone deserves to be loved, happy, and content and I think at this point, the only way you will get there or even close is to have someone stable that you can count on as a coach, sounding board, and helper-- and that is what a therapist does. So please find one that you think will help you with your goals and you will feel stable having the help and will help your life in general.
You don't need counseling because there is anything wrong with you. You need counseling becaues you could be so much better and need help showing yourself to others and placing frustrations from past issues appropriotely so they don't land on yourself anymore!!! or the next person you try to see. :)
I wish you the best of Luck. *hugs*
< Message edited by ServiceNeeded -- 1/22/2008 4:16:40 PM >
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