Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress - 1/27/2008 5:31:29 AM   
mindwarp


Posts: 25
Joined: 4/7/2007
Status: offline 		THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS REPLIED TO MY MY QUESTION
BUT I WISH YOU COULD LIVE MY LIFE FOR ONEDAY AND SEE HOW YOU WOULD FEEL, AND I MEAN NO DISRESPECT BY THIS POST TAKE CARE EVERYONE AND THANKS
                                          MINDWARP

(in reply to MaamJay)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress - 1/27/2008 5:36:08 AM   
HerBoudoir


Posts: 13
Status: offline 		If you're looking to bring someone in your life as a friend or a BDSM partner or a life partner, then what you're saying is that you want change in your life.  More often than not, change starts with you.   

Don't get defensive because folks offered supportive, thoughtful and realistic advice on how to go about that.  Take a deep breath, regroup, and understand that being defensive is doing a disservice to yourself, because the advice offered was from people who are trying to offer sound advice with your best interests at heart.  (Sometimes it's really hard to be an advocate for your own best interests.   That's ok.   We all have that issue sometimes.)

EVERYONE has life issues and problems that affect us and the relationships that we want to be in.   Many of us have experienced the need to work within ourselves to help make those outward changes to a more fullfilling and happier life.  

While it may feel like you are the only person with unique problems much of the time, do understand that you are NOT alone, people DO understand what you're going through because we've gone through shit of our own.  

Above all, there is light at the end of the tunnel if you look for it and work towards it.  

People will help you and hold your hand along the way if you are willing to accept that help.  What they won't do is drag you down that path kicking and screaming and pulling away.

< Message edited by HerBoudoir -- 1/27/2008 5:41:09 AM >

(in reply to mindwarp)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress - 1/27/2008 6:18:09 AM   
mindwarp


Posts: 25
Joined: 4/7/2007
Status: offline 		Apologies but i wasnt having ago, just advocating afact try to life in my shoes for a while, cbt, i have done lady ellen, doesnt help, however much i read them, but this me i am human being and you cannot change the makeup of a person nature due to past events ithas been great advice given, and it is greatly appreciated and would to say thank you to each and everyone of you.
1. a relationship bdsm/vanilla
2. house, job security family
3. sharing ones life, likes
4. respectful of limitations within a bdsm limitations not to push just because of past events
5. i do not have baggage or am needy but which might come across in my profile, probably because i am crap of writing
6. because i am shy and reserved that is who i am and i cannot change this, i am a human being with feelings
7. i adore and respect a woman, but works both ways within a bdsm/vanilla relationship

i would add the following what would you do in my shoes should you say to your parent right im going to pub for a couple of drinks, then she replies be home for 10 pm you know im poorly you could get mugged or killed, but that is what is thrown at me everytime especially even when im going to see a very special lady and then i back down and dont go also bearing in mind also you are 40 live with your parents what would you do
                             thanks everyone
                                     mindwarp

(in reply to HerBoudoir)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress - 1/27/2008 6:19:58 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		There are tonds of nutcases and players out there,don't let it get you down. Just try not to be one yourself.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to mindwarp)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress - 1/27/2008 6:24:21 AM   
mindwarp


Posts: 25
Joined: 4/7/2007
Status: offline 		what do you mean

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress - 1/27/2008 7:34:18 AM   
LadyEllen


Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mindwarp

i am 39 and been single all my life and love the bdsm lifestyle, and i find it very hard to get a partner and mistress whom i may share a life with, problem being have no socialising skills as just dont like it, and prefer the quiet life, privacy etc, and sometimes i think my profile puts people off which is no fault of mine and why i cant be accepted and not discriminated can anyone help


There has been lots of help given; all we can do is advise after all. We dont do house calls (yet).

Your problem is, if this partner and mistress you seek is out there in the world, the two of you are never likely to meet the way youre going about it. There are lots of lonely people in the world who sit at home and bemoan their loneliness - without it ever seems, realising that its only by getting out there that their loneliness will end. But of course its not their loneliness which is the actual source of their woes - its the feeling they have inside them they are "not good enough", "not interesting enough" and so on which keeps them at home, and the accompanying fears they have of socialising which arise from those. Of course, this isnt often acknowledged, and instead they will use whatever other excuse they can as to why theyre in that situation.

Now, you go out to clubs as I understand it? For five years youve been doing this? This is why you puzzle me - because youve clearly got enough about you to go out and do stuff, yet after five years of doing so you havent got anywhere. What is it you do at the clubs I wonder? Because I've found - in two years -that even just doing some casual play, one automatically ends up socialising and making an acquaintance if not a friend. And folks at the average munch are friendly enough - some of them at least. And the way I've always observed things, getting into a social circle is often the way that people find partners.

What you also have to think about I think is that as yet I never came across a dominant lady who might match you in terms of your views on a quiet life, not wanting to socialise and so on.

Tell me - is your idea of an ideal partner;
a) a confident lady
b) a lady lacking in confidence

I'm expecting you to tick (a) - and you know, it doesnt work much differently in reverse. "Chicks dig confidence".

E

_____________________________

In a test against the leading brand, 9 out of 10 participants couldnt tell the difference. Dumbasses.

(in reply to mindwarp)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress - 1/27/2008 8:45:29 AM   
Mirko


Posts: 17
Joined: 12/12/2006
Status: offline 		Removed by user


< Message edited by Mirko -- 1/27/2008 8:47:33 AM >

(in reply to mindwarp)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress - 1/27/2008 8:58:21 AM   
mindwarp


Posts: 25
Joined: 4/7/2007
Status: offline 		what do you mean removed by user

(in reply to Mirko)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress - 1/27/2008 9:09:38 AM   
MzStripes


Posts: 52
Joined: 12/25/2007
Status: offline 		Just like most of the submissive will be quick to say...you need to be submissive not a doormat! And this goes for everyone in your life! You and only you have the ability to change the direction of your life. If you don't like getting the guilt trip then address it next time your mother uses it. If you allow it ... it will continue.  If you are going out to clubs and just sitting on the sidelines. Get up and mix with others. If you can't bring yourself to do this - make yourself speak to one person. Male or female, sub or Dom/me. Doesn't matter. Next visit make it two people. By your third visit you will have 2 people speaking to you when you get there and can add from there.

I believe what everyone is trying to say to you is there is a way to get out there and find someone....BUT you have to do it. We can't flip a switch for you. We can't mail her to you. You have to make up your mind to do it and carry thru.  Being defensive against those who have as far as I've read offered some very good insight won't help. If you don't think your profile is up to par, I know I saw another message board that discussed profiles. Seee if you can get some assistancce with re-writing it. The key is be productive instead of sitting there waiting for the sky to fall down on your head!
Mz Stripes

(in reply to mindwarp)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress - 1/27/2008 9:37:02 AM   
mindwarp


Posts: 25
Joined: 4/7/2007
Status: offline 		Hello Lady Ellen
             i wouldnt expect a housecall but sweet thanks(yet), the problem i have is not have my opinions, no mind of my own according to parents, so yes i sit at home, either watch a dvd, or go on pc, but i never moan, just lonely and the feeling not good enough and so forth and always felt this
yes i do go to clubs and five years experience, all i do in a club is either stand at the bar and drink and view whats going on but not the playing has it is not my sort of thing, bdsm is a private situation, and i find it embarrasing watching some unknown person getting spanked in a club, just not right for me, i work on a one to one basis so there are no problems
yes i confident lady i do wish to have because i am very passive in way of nature, im just too nice, so if there was situation arises, i am unable to handle it, and get bad headaches, i dont need worries to stress me out you will probably say this is life not with me it isnt it is a totally differnt set of rules for me hope this helps out more
                              mindwarp

(in reply to MzStripes)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress - 1/27/2008 9:58:56 AM   
mindwarp


Posts: 25
Joined: 4/7/2007
Status: offline 		Hello MzStripes
             no i dont understand the question remover used,, i do not want be used as adoormat, i will be unable to address the guilt situation because i nearly lost my mother from a brain hemerrage in sept last year so am not allowed to stress her out as will adverse affects, i respect people advice given and taken it on board, but it is something i do not like, all i want is to go into club and talk with my mistress sat down that is on one to one basis is this so hard situation to ask, and you cant put something which is impossible to do, i have had some wonderful advice and getting advice on my profile thank you thanks
      mindwarp

(in reply to mindwarp)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress - 1/27/2008 2:14:52 PM   
Mirko


Posts: 17
Joined: 12/12/2006
Status: offline 		I tried to decipher your last post, anyways. I will spell it out for you. Take it or leave it.

Go to a local club
1. When you see a group of girls talking that you want to talk with approach them
2. Say "You all look like interesting people to talk with, so I thought I'd come over and talk for a few minutes"
3. Rinse and Repeat

Most of All DONT BE PART OF THE WALL OF DEATH. You've been going to clubs standing by yourself, thinking in your head about approaching those girls on the dance floor, but never work up the courage. Dont be that guy.

The first 20 times you are going to probably get rejected on the spot, but after awhile you learn to develop your skills unconciously to react to any situation. Look, I'm not saying it's easy, but the first thing you have to do is shut off your computer and get out there. You think Tommy Lee got Pamela Anderson by complaining? No he worked hard (the musician part helped as well).

If you get nervous about going out, then invite someone out with you. If you don't know anyone and you go out and are still nervous then go talk to some guys first, before you approach. Listen to some industrial music before you go out and or meditate to relax your mind. If you don't have any clothes to wear out, go ahead and visit a men's store and ask a female employee to help you pick out some clothes.

Lets look at the facts, you are 39 years old and are complaining about not being able to get a woman. The average life span is in the 60's for men, so that give you a little over 20 years to live. Do you want to be 50 years old and complaining about how you wasted your life not at least attempting to approach woman and find that dream Mistress of yours. Mistress/Domme/Submissive/Switch/Vanilla they are all the same, at some point each of these people are approached by someone, and normally it is the man that has to do the approaching, it doesnt matter if you are submissive or Dominant.

My current submissive I found at a bar. This was after months of developing myself and pushing myself out of my comfort zone to approach people I didn't know, and it's only now that I'm able to consistently talk with different groups. You better believe it was damn hard, and I've seen many other friends of mine do the same.

If you don't want this kind of help just say "I dont want help". I probably shouldn't even be bothering judging by your responses.

< Message edited by Mirko -- 1/27/2008 2:17:41 PM >

(in reply to mindwarp)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress - 1/27/2008 2:37:16 PM   
mindwarp


Posts: 25
Joined: 4/7/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you Mirko i agree totally with you, what i should do but its hard, i have tried the conversation part with a woman hello my names ian whats yours , nice weather what do you do for a job do come here often, they look at me gone out, i value your advice but there is more going on behind the scenes which i cant put here but would you allow me to ask a question
                                           m

(in reply to Mirko)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress - 2/3/2008 9:39:29 AM   
mindwarp


Posts: 25
Joined: 4/7/2007
Status: offline 		H to everyone that has gioven some exceptinal advice, i am trying to address the problems within the context of my nature, i know i am submissive, this will not change but from my understanding, when you get to certain time in your life change you dont need it, im a plain and simple life sort of person, leading a double life, which ultimately gets me me down also, to be accepted its who i am and i cannot change these beliefs, its built into me permanently, now i wish to express my gratitude to all who as advised me and wish to thank you to all who have taken there time to answer my question, may i wish everyone all my best and take care
                                               mindwarp

(in reply to mindwarp)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress - 2/3/2008 11:34:20 AM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		It is commonly ascribed to Brigham Young as having said that a man who reaches 27 years of age without ever having been married is a menace to society.

Actually, Brigham Young never said that.

The closest thing is something George Q. Cannon, an LDS church apostle, said in 1878: “I am firmly of the opinion that a large number of unmarried men, over the age of 24 years, is a dangerous element in any community.…”

There's a lot of truth in that. 

Those of us who have been around awhile and who have seen and experienced the problems associated with confirmed bachelorhood know it better than those who have not.

You might want to find a young Domme in her 20's who is not yet put off by your telltale lack of commitment.

That's unfair, you say?

Maybe so.   It's still true, nonetheless.

TexasMaam

_____________________________

~ My opinions are not necessarily those of the management... ~

(in reply to mindwarp)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress - 2/3/2008 12:17:07 PM   
mindwarp


Posts: 25
Joined: 4/7/2007
Status: offline 		please explain by what you mean by my telltal lack of commitment, i am neither dangerous, or otherwise i always think of other people first if thats menace to society
thanks mindwarp

(in reply to TexasMaam)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress - 2/3/2008 2:38:06 PM   
DarkLovelyDomme


Posts: 43
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		Well, judging from your profile and the responses you made in this thread, you don't strike me as actually being submissive. You come off (to me) as someone who likes to play the victim, and tries to identify as a sub, not out of any actual desire to serve, but because you can't imagine yourself as anything else but the low man on the totem pole. (There is a HUGE difference.) I also perceive a heady whiff of anger and resentment, neither or which is particularly attractive to most women.

I don't think anyone would be upset that you are caring for your parents in their old age, BUT whining that your mother wants you to be home at 10-- as if she runs your life -- isn't very becoming. At 21 years of age, my mother can say whatever she likes: I'm an adult and make my own decisions.

I second the sentiment that some counseling is in order.

(in reply to mindwarp)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress - 2/3/2008 3:05:05 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline 		Mindwarp, you've received some excellent, wonderful advice here, and I think you should really take a long, hard look at the way you're presenting yourself.  Also, it seems to me that you (and, apparently, your parents) are using your epilepsy as an excuse not to get out and meet people.  I have a close friend with epilepsy.  She's been an active member of the BDSM community for years.  My ex husband has epilepsy.  That certainly didn't stop him from tying me up and doing deliciously naughty things to me - OR from being the life of the party!
 
Your profile is rather off-putting to me, not because of what you say, but because of the way it's written.  The single, continuous paragraph is cumbersome to read (I got bored about halfway through and quit reading, actually).  You might want to consider making it a bit more concise, and a lot more friendly and upbeat.  As is, it's rather depressing, and no one wants that.
 
For your own sake, please do consider getting some counseling, so that you can put that baggage away.  It's got to be getting awfully heavy by now.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to LadyEllen)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress - 2/3/2008 3:08:21 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

i would add the following what would you do in my shoes should you say to your parent right im going to pub for a couple of drinks, then she replies be home for 10 pm you know im poorly you could get mugged or killed, but that is what is thrown at me everytime especially even when im going to see a very special lady and then i back down and dont go also bearing in mind also you are 40 live with your parents what would you do


Move out and get a life of my own, where my mother doesn't rule over my every waking moment!  But that's just me.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress - 2/4/2008 2:28:27 AM   
mindwarp


Posts: 25
Joined: 4/7/2007
Status: offline 		well i dont know how to answer your post except try living my life for once, and my counselling has finished and dont need it anymore, and i respect a lady is that resentment or anger, i am a sub and will always be, but thanks for your post

(in reply to DarkLovelyDomme)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> RE: question, why is hard to get a partner and mistress Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094