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RE: Advice,please... - 9/1/2005 8:43:15 AM   
EvilGeoff


Posts: 523
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bloodredrose

I have been slowly forming a relationship with a Dom i met through this site....<snippage for brevity> ....but i am wondering whether-despite his claim to be divorced-he could be married.Since he is in the US and i am currently living across the 'Pond',i would welcome any advice on how i can go about checking this man out... - and due to the way i have been hurt before,i'm really not willing to get emotionally involved until i can resolve this.


Several points, some echoing what other have posted, some going on different tangents, There is a lot more to the situation than we've been told yet. But for starters...

1) Could he be divorced? Yes. Could he be married still and lying? Yes. Could he be disappearing to spend time with children he is the father of? Yes. Could he disappearing to spend time with his business? Yes Could he be disappearing to spend time with his A) wife, B) ex-, C) some other gal, D) His best buds to go fishing, golfing, bar hopping, whoring around, E) some guy he pickup from the local gay bar? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. But IS he or HAS he done any of these things? Who knows? I certainly don't.

The whole point of this is bring to your attention that there could be any of a million reasons why he is disappearing from online. Some that are "good" reasons, some are "bad", at least in terms of your "relationship". But all ANY of them are, all they can be, are "what if..." thoughts at this point. NONE of them are concrete, actual reasons. It could also be that he just doesn't feel like getting online and would rather be sitting in front of the tube. I know I don't spend all my free time in front of a computer, so I don't assume anyone else should either.

2) You're across the Pond? Uhhh, your profile says Houston, Texas. And there's nothing to indicate a change of location in the message blurb part of your profile either. So how'd you get over there? Returning home? Job transfer? When was the last time you edited and updated your profile? Does _he_ know you're "over there"?

3) You've met the fellow? As in face-to-face??? And you didn't have this issue thoroughly hashed out before agreeing to meet him? Did you get references from him and check them (people in the Scene who know him)? Not just e-mail references but phone numbers so you could call and talk to people? Did you set up safecalls, have a pickup arranged if this guy turned into Joe Psychopath? Do you know his real name? Get his Drivers Licence? Licence plate #? Do you have a non-cell phone number for him like his home or job number? What, if any, preparations did you make before agreeing to meet beyond packing clothes or toys?

4) rose, hon, I don't want any of my brothers and sisters in leather, on either side of the / , to get hurt by online predators and users. And Lord knows there are a million out here. And the first and best way you can protect yourself from them is by being confident and strong, knowing who you are and what you want, making those who show an interest prove to YOUR satisfaction that they are who and what they claim to be, and never, ever, just "settle" for less than what you need.

If you want to bother trying with this guy, then you two have some serious communcations issues to work through, addressing needs and desires, transparency, and TRUST. I've done LDR's in the past and they worked well for a long time. But I made bloody damn sure I knew a lot about the person before giving them my heart, and I used safe meeting procedures. You need to do the same, and take good care of YOU first. Because if YOU don't, who will? If you don't think you are worth the best, why would anyone else?

Yours In Leather,
- Geoff

(in reply to bloodredrose)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Advice,please... - 9/2/2005 2:01:59 AM   
bloodredrose


Posts: 16
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		Geoff,to answer Your questions in order...
1.My profile says Houston because i spend a great deal of time there and wish to relocate there...a fact i make clear to anyone i speak to as a result of my ad...so yes,he knew my situation as far as location went.
2.Yes,i set up safe calls,knew his real name,license plate and all the rest of the stuff You mentioned...all that worked out...it is only since i returned home that this problem has surfaced.
As to being strong and knowing what i am worth,i used to think i did...what this experience has taught me i am not certain,unless it is maybe that all the considerate Ones are either taken or not into fat chicks...but i thank You very much for taking the time to give this girl Your valuable input.
Be well.

(in reply to EvilGeoff)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Advice,please... - 9/2/2005 3:57:27 AM   
lovingmaster45


Posts: 261
Joined: 9/16/2004
Status: offline 		Well duh...
He is married. He is lying. He is a fake.

How many red flags have to litter the playing field before you see there has been a penalty called?

_____________________________

Master Jerry


(in reply to bloodredrose)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Advice,please... - 9/2/2005 10:00:01 AM   
WickedKev


Posts: 305
Joined: 11/26/2004
Status: offline 		Interesting, this lifestyle is suppose to be about trust yet people are telling you to go do a search on him, why not hire a private detective? And if he checks out to have told you the truth, if his new job is keeping him so busy that he is having trouble finding time to get on line, if he drops off at odd times, well I have fallen asleep at the computer when I was talking to my slave when she lived across the pond that time differance can be a killer. What is he going to think if he finds out you have been doing these checks on him? Having said that if your gut feeling says you can't trust him then end it. Long distance relationships hardly ever work, my slave always wanted to be with me but it wasn't till she moved here that I would allow it.

(in reply to lovingmaster45)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Advice,please... - 9/2/2005 10:02:49 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I agree, you hear it and read it enough, about this lifestyle being all about trust. But I find a lot of people lacking in it.

I think the red flags are there. Why not consider searching for someone who is better equipped to meet your needs? Or perhaps take a time out and sit back for awhile. Surprising things can happen in that mode.


(in reply to WickedKev)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Advice,please... - 9/2/2005 10:06:02 AM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WickedKev

Interesting, this lifestyle is suppose to be about trust yet people are telling you to go do a search on him, why not hire a private detective?


Trust is earned and it is done so incrementally. People give a little trust at a time and when that is handled well, they give more.

Trust is also built on a history of reliability. Checking what someone says is a natural part of that. One says something; it is confirmed. That allows the person to begin to believe that other things that have been said are true.

Before Libby first met me, she did things like calling my office and talking to my secretary to discreetly check that I really worked where I said I worked and held the position I had told her about. This didn't upset me; it impressed me. I like smart women.



_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to WickedKev)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Advice,please... - 9/2/2005 11:01:16 AM   
OscarHargraves


Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline 		Hi there lady,
This is an issue between you and him. You need to talk to him and be very blunt about what your concerns are. There is absolutely no room for lying in these kinds of relationships. He has to be pretty stupid if he IS married and doesn't think you will find out. It's not fair to you and it's really not fair to him either.
The basic premise of every relationship, whether BDSM or Vanilla has to be real trust. If you can't trust him then cut your losses and move on. I know that's hard and it will hurt but it's going to hurt even more later. A real man once said, "Be true unto yourself." and I still believe that's good advice. Do what's right for YOU.
BTW, I'm a married man who plays here. My wife knows but doesn't play and I ALWAYS tell my prespective Subs that I'm married. That way they can decide for themselves the 'pros' and 'cons' of a B&D relationship with me.

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to bloodredrose)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Advice,please... - 9/2/2005 11:09:44 AM   
WickedKev


Posts: 305
Joined: 11/26/2004
Status: offline 		If done openly I will agree with you, going behind ones back no. If a potential asked me how she could check that I am who I say, I would give names of people well known in the lifestyle here to verify, but when done secretly then I am afraid there is no hope and anything that might have been would have been finished.

< Message edited by WickedKev -- 9/2/2005 11:13:46 AM >

(in reply to OscarHargraves)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Advice,please... - 9/2/2005 11:22:42 AM   
pinkpleasures


Posts: 1114
Status: offline
quote:

So my point darlin is, it shouldn't matter. Perhaps you are so uncomfortable with yourself that it becomes a stumbling point for you. I've never felt as if my size was a factor in my ability to be active in my local scene, to find people I trusted to play with or find the Dom of my dreams. If you are making excuses for what you look like, or taking the first Dom who shows up because you feel less than because you are plus sized, you might want to take a serious look at that, and turn your personal negative feelings into positive ones.

ProtagonistLily


i have been every size i can be in the last year and none of them have affected whether Men find me attractive, nor my self-esteem. i have been a bit under the weather, and that can be distressing, but i have chosen good MD's and am not afraid. Nothing is seriously wrong; just need a bit of care.

Given a choice, i'd be a size 16 again...and suppose that will happen in time...but at my present size i am still pursued. i seek a Man of Great Character and yes, will need to find Him attractive in real life, but cannot predict what He will look like.

pinkpleasures

_____________________________



(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Advice,please... - 9/2/2005 12:46:48 PM   
LadiesBladewing


Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline 		bloodredrose...

There is something out there for everyone, when the time is right. You are not your body--and if you know yourself and are true to yourself, and respect yourself enough to trust your own judgement and take time to explore -and- the time to slowly build a relationship until both of you have 'grown into' your affection and know that the choice is right (very much like preparing to get married), you'll be fine.

We're preparing to invite a new servant-acolyte into our family. We've known her for 2 years, and have grown close over time, and now, we couldn't imagine our family without her as a part of it. She is a BBW, with emphasis on the BEAUTIFUL part--whether anyone can see it through the shell of the body or not, to us, she fairly glows with it--a unique beauty that is so bright that it outshines the shell that she wears. Nobody who knows her could question her beauty, and even a remark by a stranger would not change what we see and what we feel when she is in our presence.

What you are is precious, and what you look like is only a faint impression over the lustrous person that you have the potential to show. Always trust yourself, and if things don't work in a given relationship, remember that dynamics depend on things far beyond the scope of the body. It isn't a failure--just a poorly fitting dynamic.

Lady Zephyr

(in reply to bloodredrose)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Advice,please... - 9/2/2005 12:53:06 PM   
LadiesBladewing


Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline 		Congratulations on your attitude...
Attitude is the most amazing and resiliant source of power that we have. It is a pleasure to hear your tone and share your appreciation for your life.

I have some medical issues myself, and tend to be frustrated at times when the athletic person who used to chop wood and do monthly sacred sweatlodge, swim, and spend 2hrs each AM and PM in the gym (plus all my other activities -and- work) can't do those things any more...

...on the other hand, my illness has given me a new respect for life, and has slowed me down...everything gets more attention to detail now, and this can't be a bad thing, since everything from my abbey to my herbs flourish under the attention. I still work full time, write and build community, but I balance my time to protect my wellness, too.

Lady Zephyr

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkpleasures

i have been every size i can be in the last year and none of them have affected whether Men find me attractive, nor my self-esteem. i have been a bit under the weather, and that can be distressing, but i have chosen good MD's and am not afraid. Nothing is seriously wrong; just need a bit of care.

Given a choice, i'd be a size 16 again...and suppose that will happen in time...but at my present size i am still pursued. i seek a Man of Great Character and yes, will need to find Him attractive in real life, but cannot predict what He will look like.

pinkpleasures


(in reply to pinkpleasures)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Advice,please... - 9/2/2005 1:07:48 PM   
pinkpleasures


Posts: 1114
Status: offline
quote:

Congratulations on your attitude...
Attitude is the most amazing and resiliant source of power that we have. It is a pleasure to hear your tone and share your appreciation for your life.

I have some medical issues myself, and tend to be frustrated at times when the athletic person who used to chop wood and do monthly sacred sweatlodge, swim, and spend 2hrs each AM and PM in the gym (plus all my other activities -and- work) can't do those things any more...

LadiesBladewing


When illness first struck, i was completely bedridden...this was a bad situation and one i worked hard to overcome. Then came a varierty of new and somewhat alarming symptoms, which the MD's assure me all have different causes. Sometimes i feel like Humpty-Dumpty after he fell.

Any situation can cause sadness..even despair...but can also cause a new "headspace" and serve as a way of learning a life lesson that possibly one would resist otherwise.

i still actively seek my One, but suspect it will happen after my medical issues are dealt with and possibly after moving, if that's feasible. Meantime, i can participate here on the boards; i can rest and watch daytime tv (I cannot believe how bad it is, considering what i pay for cable tv) and contemplate my navel.

It's very frustrating, because i strongly feel that this time of life should be dedicated, in part, to helping others...volunteering. But i am peaceful in the belief that God watches over me and i am supposed to learn something from anything i experience. i guess one life lesson i needed to learn was patience.

pinkpleasures

_____________________________



(in reply to LadiesBladewing)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Advice,please... - 9/2/2005 1:41:58 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren


quote:

ORIGINAL: WickedKev

Interesting, this lifestyle is suppose to be about trust yet people are telling you to go do a search on him, why not hire a private detective?


Trust is earned and it is done so incrementally. People give a little trust at a time and when that is handled well, they give more.

Trust is also built on a history of reliability. Checking what someone says is a natural part of that. One says something; it is confirmed. That allows the person to begin to believe that other things that have been said are true.

Before Libby first met me, she did things like calling my office and talking to my secretary to discreetly check that I really worked where I said I worked and held the position I had told her about. This didn't upset me; it impressed me. I like smart women.




I think John nailed it on the head here.... Trust is indeed earned incrementally... by both sides of the coin. At the same time as one incrementlly grows trust in the relationship... We are doing the inverse... reducing the doubts and concerns we have for another. Doubts and concerns are a part of the development of any close relatinship. It is important that one handles these doubts in a contructive and healthy manner. As many have already said.. raise the issue with him. Two possible things will happen... either you will able to remove the doubts and concerns or your they will just be intensified and the potential growth in the relationship will become an even larger question. Yes the latter does sound hard and difficult, but those who continue to deny this possibility well feel greater pain than if they would of dealt with it in the first place. Do not let your insecurities and fears take you down a path that is a dead end. On the positive side, by facing this issue early, you minimize the emotional pain that you could be subjected to or you could remove the doubts and take your relationship to a new level of trust. Either way - you will become a stronger person because of it. You will Empower yourself... to choose a path of your own happiness instead of your dissatisfaction with yourself.




_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to JohnWarren)
Profile   Post #: 33
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