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sunshinemiss -> RE: Abandonment play (1/30/2008 5:39:34 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: julietsierra
Abandonment play...
Y'know, I never considered it "play" per se, but yup... depending on how you define it, we've done this. And it hurt like hell. No two ways about it. It HURT.
But guess what...
As time went on and 1) he continued this process and 2) he always came back, I stopped being the "victim" of my emotional insecurities regarding this process. Each and every time, he did what he said he'd do. I mean EACH and every time. And what seemed like the worst thing in the world slowly became something that just made me angry. This gave way, over time to being frustrated, and eventually, it all just became time. I had learned to KNOW (not just hope, but KNOW) that he'd always be back and that nothing would change from the moment he left till the moment he returned.
Every now and then these days, I hit upon a glitch. But when I examine why, I generally find that it's not the abandonment issue anymore, it's other things, whether they be a tough day at work, difficulties in other areas of my life or just the unwarranted expectation that I'd be seeing him (usually at an emotionally less manageable time of the month.) And when I realize what they are, I can adjust my thinking so that it's no longer a painful process.
Oh...and my own personal definition of this is when other things have come up in his life, or he's simply chosen to do other things rather than see me, and I'm sitting there feeling left out or wondering if he still cares. (And the "abandonment" can be for a day, a week, a month or a few months, depending on what's going on in our lives.)These days, that wondering just doesn't happen anymore. I guess, in essence, he's helped me to overcome my insecurities this way.
I don't know if that's what you define "abandonment play" as, but the stuff we do is very tricky. He has to know just when I'm about at the end of my rope and when it's one day over the line. So far, he's never ever gone over the line and each time that I get all weepy about what's been happening, he reminds me that nothing is going to change and he laughs... and then, I laugh and all is right with my world. And each time, I learn more how to trust myself instead of simply living my life waiting for him. Believe it or not, all this helps me to live my life more fully than I ever imagined. I get to FEEL everything.
And no, it doesn't make me desire him less, build walls more or anything like that. It's just time. We have plenty of that.
So, is it positive or negative? Well, when it's happening, it seems like it is significantly negative. However each time I learn more about myself, him and our relationship, I have to conclude that overall, it's been a positive experience.
(Oh yea... I should mention that I'm an emotional masochist - in a good way, contrary to public opinion regarding emotional masochism, so my view of the merits of abandonment play may well be a part of that. If you are not or can not manage that kind of play, then of course, all bets are off. However, from my point of view, I love the challenge. There is no "warm up" involved in emotional play and through emotional masochism/sadism, I get to explore depths of me that would never be possible when engaging in only the physical side of things.)
So to me, it's all good.
juliet
Thank you so much for your explanation. You have really gone out on a limb and made something confusing clear. I for one appreciate it deeply.
peace.
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