julietsierra
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quote:
ORIGINAL: littlesui
Thank you for all your responses. It has happened to me a number of times - with something like the pattern that juliet referred to. Each time I was distressed, devasted, hurt but all the while trying to appear 'cool' about it all. Looking back I am not sure whether I have found it has a positive conclusion. I was still as distressed on the fifth time as on the first. I am trying to look for the positive aspect but am struggling LOL!
I was as intrigued to discover what the Dom / Dommes got out of this? You don't see the tears and the heart ache - you maybe hear a distressed phone messagel or read a frantic text - but that only scratches the surfaces of the emotions and feelings of the abandoned sub...
katie x
what does he get out of it? Well...first of all, he's a sadist - an emotional sadist to boot. When he hears of the struggle, his first words to me are... "I did tell you I'm a sadist, didn't I?" And he laughs, telling him I'm making his day.
Sounds heartless, I know. But here's the deal. To him, it's kind of funny cause he KNOWS he's here to stay and he thinks I should know this too. He knows that this is a temporary struggle and he knows that I'm working through it. He knows this because I have done precisely this many times in the last 5+ years. He knows this because I will continue to do precisely this over the next 30+ years if he has anything to say about it. He knows because he's structured the event that's making me struggle so much. He's set it in motion intentionally and with forethought and anticipation. He's simply reaping what he's sowed and it feels so darn good to him. When I overcome my insecurities, he's proud as all get out that I've not let him destroy me and that I've learned a little bit more about myself in the proces. He knows this because when I can laugh again, I am telling him what I learned. This means through it all, I'm trying to figure out my reactions, my emotions and my overall state of being.
And for us, it's all good.
However - and this is a BIG however - when I have been truly shaken and he's NOT set things up, when my reactions to things take him by surprise and I'm seemingly beyond consolation, he's right there. He listens. He explains. He helps me through what's happening. And if he was the inadvertant cause of my pain (in this case, definitely not a good pain) he's right there making sure I know I'm loved, I'm wanted and I'm needed by him.
No, we don't have all the lovey dovey kissy huggy sessions. But what we do have works just right for me. We talk. He LISTENS. And if it's something he's done, he just does not do it again - even though he never ever compromises his ways of doing things. The most recent situation involved me sobbing over something that he did - a couple of things he did as a matter of fact - that left me thinking that he was dismissing me (not releasing but dismissing. Like he was much more interested in someone else at that time, and could I just go away and let him carry on with whatever he was doing. I was beyond hurt and this was not his usual style of behaving, so I had nothing I could rely on other than the fact that I told him a long time ago that I'd stay till he didn't want me and then, I'd go. To me, this felt like he was telling me to go. Add in a couple of other more private difficulties and I was not just tearful, I was sobbing.) To him, the "dismissal" was simply him letting me know I could mingle. I told him that in 5 years, I'd never asked to do so, nor had he ever allowed me to, so when we were at this stressful moment, it felt like he was dismissing me. We talked...cleared the air and then, at the end, he laughed and said "you do know what's going to happen now, don't you?" I laughed and said "yes, it'll be a cold day in hell now before you ever allow me to mingle again." He laughed some more and said "see, that's why we are right for each other, you're so damn smart." He explained the other issues to me and we talked about the things I needed and I KNOW he heard me. What I needed most was to be heard. (I don't demand what I need. I tell him what's hurting. He takes it from there.)
And we move on.
He's not an overly demonstrative man, and while I crave affection, he's not overt in how he shows that to me. And I'm fine with that. I've had the "ooh, I love you love you love you" kinds of relationships before and they always eventually irritated me. What he does is show me, in his day to day actions, just how he feels about me. It's what he does best. It's what I like best.
Oh...and I can honestly say that there was no way I'd have seen progress in me in just 5 or so times of him doing the things he does to me. This has been a years-long process. It's been intense, it's been difficult, it's been the most rewarding time in my entire life.
He does emotional SM in a healthy manner. That's largely due to his committment to never harm me (hurting is another thing entirely), and my stringent application of how to determine what's healthy for me. My view of health when it comes to this kind of play is always geared for over a longer term than just at any given moment. What I do is take stock of me. Am I happy with him and what we do the majority of the time? If I am, then we're doing fine, it's healthy and I'm staying put. However if I ever determine that I'm miserable more than I'm happy, if I've spoken to him more than once on what's making me miserable and am STILL miserable, then this is no longer a healthy relationship and I'm putting my walking shoes on. He knows this. He agrees that that makes sense. lol... but even if he didn't agree that it makes sense, it's my rule for myself and one that I absolutely do not/will not break.
Being with an emotional sadist is a significantly difficult process. However, in my experience, it's been more than worth it. The happiness I've experienced due to this relationship - the utter calmness has been exponentially inverse to the amount of pain I've been through. (pain negative, happiness/calmness, positive)
I once asked him about this...I said "when you said you were a sadist, I kinda thought you meant that I'd get a good ass-whipping. I didn't realize you meant that my mind and emotions would take that whipping." He just grinned like the cheshire cat (or more aptly, like the cat who knew he was going to catch the mouse) and said "that's the real deal baby...that's the wholey-moley of em all. Can you do it?" I was smart enough not to answer except to say "Well Sir, I guess we'll see."
So far, so good.
Good luck little sui...it's a hard row we hoe...but worth so much more than people who don't live like this can see (and I really can't blame them, This is a tough concept to wrap your head around, much less live.)
juliet
OH! And littlesui... regarding the abandonment...the strangest thing about all this has been that fears of abandonment no longer holds me in its grip. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out why when I've pretty much been a prisoner to this feeling my entire life. The only thing I can think is that in dealing with him doing it intentionally but without malice, and continually overcoming those fears, I've somehow made them have very little impact on my life...but the process of getting through to this point, was, of necessity, quite difficult. My suggestion would be to not do things to "appear cool." If you need time to think through your reactions to come to what you believe may be a reasonable explanation for how you feel, then that's good, but as soon as you do, be sure to talk to him about it. Part of what works about all this for me, is that even though I tend to be more quiet while I'm figuring things out, I do NOT hide how I feel - even if he has to hear how I felt after the fact. When I do tell him how I was feeling, I also tell him what my perceptions are to that point. It keeps him informed, and more importantly, it keeps me feeling like he's listening. And listening on his part, listening and reading your responses in your body language, etc is the biggest, and most important part of him being able to keep you safe - even as he hurts you. (and in turn, you feed this very real need within him to hear of your pain and how you've overcome it.)
< Message edited by julietsierra -- 1/27/2008 1:33:07 PM >
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Abandonment play - 
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