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RE: Married men and women - 1/31/2008 2:08:22 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
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quote:

ORIGINAL: takenbyjohnr07

i see so many single people in the BDSM world involved with married men or women (secretly) some are happy and some are not. My question is what attracts you to the married person vs the single person who may actually be wanting a full time committment?

There are plenty, one could argue there are more singles involved with married in general. This is not specific to BDSM. However, within the BDSM world there are more openly polyamorous relationships and that simply opens up other possibilities than traditional monogomy.

When i first began my journey i did NOT want an emotionally exclusive relationship. i didn't end up having relationships with married Dominants although that would have been fine with me, but i did serve those who had other submissives. i suppose i was more a bottom than a submissive in those days but i remember when my husband was teaching me to fly....what a nightmare! For me, it was easier to learn about my role, my needs, my experiences when neither of us were emotionally invovled beyond fondness and friendship.

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(in reply to takenbyjohnr07)

Post #: 41

RE: Married men and women - 1/31/2008 4:44:12 AM

littlesui

Posts: 39
Joined: 3/1/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hopelessfool

Personally I am against married partners as well as anyone in a relationship, mostly married partners because they made a vow, to be with someone for the rest of their life, and didn't think about the consequences of not thinking it fully through. Of people in a relationship, because they will blur the lines between you and her. If he can make a vow to his wife saying he will stay and care for her forever, and breaks his word to her, how is it of worth to you. Same for a wife, to love honor and obey, and yet as a submissive to party X shes supposed to be devoted, and loyal, even though she made this same promise to her husband. The question is, if you went to a slimy used car salesman, or a friend who lies to you, would you trust them at what they say or are their words less meaningful because you know of their ability to decieve. Also if he leaves his partner for you "the love of his thoughts now" whats to say when something better comes along he doesn't drop you for it. Hes already shown his commitments don't matter. As well as that he has trouble communicating, If he would have said to his wife before the marriage I am this, this is what I want this is what I need, this is what I do, then there wouldnt be a need for an outside party, because she would either take it or leave it. I also stray away from those that have been divorced, unless it was for a very good reason.

And I apologize if I have offended anyone, its just to me, marriage was drilled into my head, the only way you leave is if hes hurting you or your children. Its not a thing to enter in lightly and not something easily disregarded because this or that is happening. I've always spilled everything about my self to my partner before we even got fully serious, so these problems would not happen. I can say I can see the forbidden alure, as well as the desire for a relationship with out a commitment.

As long as the spouse knows about the relationship, has accepted it, and it the outside party is has well, it becomes like a poly relationship. Something thats not for everyone, but works for some, and with this open knowledge maybe the spouse can find someone that makes them happy in return.

Playing devils advocate here - your rationale would put divorced people out of bounds too. After all they made a vow 'until death us do part' and have reneged on that agreement...I mean how could you ever trust them??

(in reply to hopelessfool)

Post #: 42

RE: Married men and women - 1/31/2008 5:39:47 AM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: takenbyjohnr07

i see so many single people in the BDSM world involved with married men or women (secretly) some are happy and some are not. My question is what attracts you to the married person vs the single person who may actually be wanting a full time committment?

The fact that you'll never have to marry or think of marriage with the married person.

(in reply to takenbyjohnr07)

Post #: 43

RE: Married men and women - 1/31/2008 7:22:46 AM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: takenbyjohnr07

i see so many single people in the BDSM world involved with married men or women (secretly) some are happy and some are not. My question is what attracts you to the married person vs the single person who may actually be wanting a full time commitment?

As a single person, I had first hand experience in this area over the years has given me an insight on what the attraction to a married person. Keep in mind that this event happened twenty years ago.
At that time, I wasn't ready to make any long term commitment thus getting involved with another who was married was "safe." I was not ready to settle down with one person.
Being in an affair gave me a sense of excitement knowing I was messing around with someone's husband. I am drawn towards that feeling of danger and excitement and plying with someone who is married gives me that. It is knowing that I am partaking of "forbidden fruit" so to speak that had a great appeal.

I know my reasons may not be justification for my actions and are not condoned by many people. But what I do know is these past experiences I learned much about myself and it helped me define what I want and do not want in a healthy relationship.

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(in reply to takenbyjohnr07)

Post #: 44

RE: Married men and women - 1/31/2008 10:07:03 AM

parttimehotty

Posts: 4002
Joined: 11/19/2007
From: Virginville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlebitxxx

I played with a married man for several months. He has been married for 39 years to the same woman. She was very straight vanilla and he was a kinky Dom. She knew about his outside interests just didn't want to hear the details. He used to drive her into town every couple weeks, drop her off and spend the afternoon with me. She knew about me and I knew about her but that's as far as it went. She allowed him to go off and do his kinky stuff knowing he would be returning to her in the evening. It kept them both happy. I know it kept me happy for the time, too.

That almost sounds like the situation i just got out of....He TOLD me she knew he needed outside activities (done because of her illness prohibiting sessions) but she didn't want to be privy to them. Imagine my surprise when all that came to a hault when she contacted me after finding out and she was NOT happy. i won't ever do that again, ever.

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(in reply to littlebitxxx)

Post #: 45

RE: Married men and women - 2/12/2008 6:24:54 PM

bustedinca

Posts: 12
Joined: 2/1/2008
Status: offline

then he or she is a liar and cheater. not someone this girl would trust.

(in reply to Kerjin)

Post #: 46

RE: Married men and women - 2/12/2008 8:16:11 PM

domahpet

Posts: 1505
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Santa Rosa
Status: offline

wtf is this thread doing back?
smelled the first time,
smells like something drug out of the dumpster this time

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(in reply to bustedinca)

Post #: 47

RE: Married men and women - 2/12/2008 10:11:26 PM

greenearth21

Posts: 228
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline

It all depends on what the single partner is seeking. Some are looking for a relationship or should I say companionship without the commitment; in that case then that sort of relationship would suit both parties. The married one able to show his "true" or "other" side without reservation and the single person getting the attention they want, when they want it without the obligation of being tied down. Whatever works for both peole, as long as expectations are made clear and theres no home wrecking going on...go for it. I have a friend a friend who has been involved with a married man for years and finally she asked him to leave his wife. To me thats just stupid to say the least, among other things. I think some vanilla partners are just not interest in anything d/s related yet want their partners happy so they give the OK for their partners to play or get thier needs met outside their marriage. Whatever floats ones boat

(in reply to domahpet)

Post #: 48

RE: Married men and women - 2/13/2008 5:10:43 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

This no marrieds ever, they're all evil is such middle America Christian bs. The French look at marriage as an economic item, providing a stable home for offspring. They don't expect one person to be everything and as long as the affair is discreet and does not impact the home life, they don't care. Funny how I know French 'cheaters' in their 80's still married to the same woman while the noncheating Americans have been married and in different serious relationships multiple times and their offspring have the scars to prove it.

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(in reply to greenearth21)

Post #: 49

RE: Married men and women - 2/13/2008 7:51:00 AM

EvilBreit

Posts: 4
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

Yes you should tell her
Marriage is a sacred relationship between a man and a woman who love each others before being a dom and his sub
if any married one had affairs! marriage would lose his beauty, and everyone will be having sex anywhere even in the streets and infront of kids and in churches and sacred places
doesn't it look inhuman?

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 50

RE: Married men and women - 2/13/2008 9:11:53 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Aynne seeing as that your exposing your breast then get this off of it to. Im not worried about you outting me because it is to hard to say Dnomyar.

(in reply to Aynne)

Post #: 51

RE: Married men and women - 2/13/2008 11:25:25 AM

Constrictor1

Posts: 143
Joined: 6/29/2006
From: Constrictor1
Status: offline

If the spouse (either sex) has no idea then the person is cheating and breaking a vow. If they are willing to cheat on the person that is supposed to be their most important person in their lives, then how can you develop a trusting bond based on this observable callous behavior? In perspective to our lifestyle, would you so easily play with anothers master or slave knowing they were cheating on their prospective other? If the answer is yes, then why are you so willing to encourage the destruction of trust in others relationships? I mean no offense to anyone just voicing my opinion and asking a few questions

Constrictor1

(in reply to takenbyjohnr07)

Post #: 52

RE: Married men and women - 2/13/2008 11:28:21 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

quote:

i see so many single people in the BDSM world involved with married men or women (secretly) some are happy and some are not. My question is what attracts you to the married person vs the single person who may actually be wanting a full time committment?

taken,

I have mentored many folks over the years both D and s but mostly s. The answer is so complex with so many routes as to become to complex to form a solid opinion on.

Many s fems are married and intend to stay that way but have been sex starved for years. Taking a D outside of marriage iiether on line or r/t is there only out outside of celebacy. On the other side of the coin many D's prefer a married s because it will have a normal stop points without growing into a emotional tangle.

Who is to throw that stone at a glass house? the Puists that announce , that is cheating?? without a comment about the vanilla husband that has withdrawen from sex! Or the wife that finds her husband boring and he makes no attempt to correct the b problem.

As I said, complex! I refuse to judge those folks.

CP

(in reply to takenbyjohnr07)

Post #: 53

RE: Married men and women - 2/13/2008 12:55:45 PM

roland23

Posts: 241
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

DesFIP is right. Some of us don't expect that one person can fulfill all of our evolving needs.Be discreet and safe!

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 54

RE: Married men and women - 2/13/2008 1:55:34 PM

littlebitxxx

Posts: 732
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: parttimehotty

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlebitxxx

I played with a married man for several months. He has been married for 39 years to the same woman. She was very straight vanilla and he was a kinky Dom. She knew about his outside interests just didn't want to hear the details. He used to drive her into town every couple weeks, drop her off and spend the afternoon with me. She knew about me and I knew about her but that's as far as it went. She allowed him to go off and do his kinky stuff knowing he would be returning to her in the evening. It kept them both happy. I know it kept me happy for the time, too.

That almost sounds like the situation i just got out of....He TOLD me she knew he needed outside activities (done because of her illness prohibiting sessions) but she didn't want to be privy to them. Imagine my surprise when all that came to a hault when she contacted me after finding out and she was NOT happy. i won't ever do that again, ever.

That kind of situation sucks the big one, hotty. I'm sorry you had to go through that. In my case, W's wife was a happy, healthy, hetero vanilla female that just had absolutely no interest in anything remotely kinky. She knew of his predilections and was pretty damn tolerant of his outside activities. I admire the woman for that. She knew about the online collared sub in the next province just as she knew about me. When W and I would chat, sometimes she was home and popped in for a quick hello. Yeah, I know that's not real proof but it's the case of "ya hadda be there". I was very fortunate in that their relationship was rock solid enough to allow this playtime. Looking back on it, it would upset me if I ever found out she really didn't know and he was cheating and lying because they were both such cool people. Meh, it was over a year ago and I had fun.

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It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 55

RE: Married men and women - 2/13/2008 2:16:36 PM

Constrictor1

Posts: 143
Joined: 6/29/2006
From: Constrictor1
Status: offline

When someone comes to you with a story of it is OK my wife is sick/OK with it/whatever doesn't anyone feel the slightest desire to determine the validity of the assertion before just satisfying themselves with "Oh it is Ok he said so." In trying to be an ethical dom, if someone else wife/slave/girlfriend/ came to me to say it is OK my master/dom/hubby says to just go ahead and do your worst. I have made it a personal policy to verify these statements with the SO. Cuts down on the drama, the bullshit and the bullets.

Constrictor1

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 56

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