Depressing and boring relationship post and appology

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Depressing and boring relationship post and appology

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Depressing and boring relationship post and appology

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Depressing and boring relationship post and appology - 1/27/2008 9:21:34 PM

TermsConditions

Posts: 446
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

I am so sorry to post this. I need to blurt some more stuff out of my brain for selfish reasons. The generous responses to my previous posts were overwhelming it made me feel much better, more confident, etc. Since that time I've done some reading and thinking and reflecting and taken up chess.

I deceived everyone initially by not revealing that I am married. I appologize for that. I updated my profile to reflect that I am married a few weeks ago. I did not mislead anyone but it a false prestence and may have improperly set some people's expectations of which I took advantage. I am very sorry.

It is so lonely to not be wanted. And if my wife doesn't want vanilla me there is no way she's ever going to want me with "special needs" Aakasha wrote that subs want to serve because it fufils the desire of someone else and without that any servitude was unfulfilling (I paraphrase poorly). That's exacly right and I just don't see any way to get there from here.

I am so sorry to post this and I don't expect any responses. I'm not looking for a mistress or owner or cyber whatever. I'm just trying to find some peace. And I have to find that myself.

Post #: 1

RE: Depressing and boring relationship post and appology - 1/27/2008 9:36:55 PM

AtlantaMistress

Posts: 276
Joined: 6/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TermsConditions

I'm not looking for a mistress or owner or cyber whatever. I'm just trying to find some peace. And I have to find that myself.

YES - you do. I too don't want to rehash advice given to you or others, but if you have time, searrch my posts. I have a sense of peace and happiness I never thought possible, but it took some terrible things happening in my life, some major realizations, and great advice from a friend. If I can help one person jump over the heartbreak to find this place, my karma will be incredible.

Good luck.

_____________________________

Mistress Sandy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd rather be hated for something I am than loved for something I am not.

(in reply to TermsConditions)

Post #: 2

RE: Depressing and boring relationship post and appology - 1/27/2008 9:42:03 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

OK you are in the same place as many ... rolled along in vanilla life for some 40 years, got married, did the vanilla thing (which works to varying degrees), then you suddenly discover that all those fantasies you repressed have a real life counterpart and WOW! Where am i? who am i? should i? could i? is this right for me? is this right at all? am i kidding myself? am i insane? if i've not been wanted much in vanilla would anyone want me in bdsm? would it be worth the risk of leaving one for the other? would other people find out? could i lose my job? what about my kids? my finances? my security? what would i give up to pursue this? what shouldn't i give up to pursue this? can i find peace in my life with this? can i find it without this? It seems like a HUGE minefield ... and it is scary, frustrating and exciting all in one.

Sounds to Me though, that if you are lonely and feeling unwanted by your wife in a vanilla setting then you have your first course of action in front of you. Address your vanilla relationship first. Honestly, even bluntly. Is there hope for it? Will it ever satisfy you? Is it satisfying her? Is it fair to her to continue? Or are you both just slogging along, unhappy but too scared to move out of the god-awful rut you've dug for yourselves? What would be the practical issues involved with staying together? Splitting up? What strategies would be required to accomplish a split if that is what you two decide to do? Can you cope with life alone while looking for a different kind of relationship?

Only you know the answers to these questions. All I can do is affirm that it is natural to have those questions once you discover bdsm ... that there are any number of U/us here who have been in your shoes and asked O/ourselves the very same questions ... and that there are any number of different paths through what lies ahead! Some choose to leave the vanilla relationship chugging along and seek non-sexual (or negotiated sexual) bdsm satisfaction with a service Top in much the same way as they might go to a therapist! Generally they are those who still very much love their vanilla partner and who have a lot invested (emotionally and financially) in that relationship. Some of them have the luxury of the vanilla partner being aware and allowing the D/s relationship to go further, while being comfortable in the maintenance of the marital relationship. Some go the cheating route, behind the back of their vanilla partner. Some break up only after they are already engaged in a bdsm relationship, others make the break, do the healing, then seek out a new bdsm relationship. There's no "one true way" ... only the way that's true to you.

All the best
Maam Jay aka violet[A]
PS Seems you've learned one important thing already from being here ... honesty is VERY important in bdsm! And while few would declare themselves to be liars, many people realise they've routinely been less than honest in vanilla relationships once they brush up against openness in bdsm!

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to TermsConditions)

Post #: 3

RE: Depressing and boring relationship post and appology - 1/27/2008 9:59:58 PM

TermsConditions

Posts: 446
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

Thank you AM.

(in reply to AtlantaMistress)

Post #: 4

RE: Depressing and boring relationship post and appology - 1/27/2008 10:01:49 PM

TermsConditions

Posts: 446
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

Thank you MJ.

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 5

RE: Depressing and boring relationship post and appology - 1/27/2008 11:33:26 PM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TermsConditions

quote:

I am so sorry to post this. I need to blurt some more stuff out of my brain for selfish reasons. The generous responses to my previous posts were overwhelming it made me feel much better, more confident, etc. Since that time I've done some reading and thinking and reflecting and taken up chess.

I admire your guts, and strength for admitting on the forum that you've made a mistake!
I wouldn't be sorry if I was you for writing this down.

quote:

I deceived everyone initially by not revealing that I am married. I appologize for that. I updated my profile to reflect that I am married a few weeks ago. I did not mislead anyone but it a false prestence and may have improperly set some people's expectations of which I took advantage. I am very sorry.

it takes a great guy to admit and to come clean to say what he did, and so you did!It was 'easier'
to run away, to delete this add, and come back with another, and no one would have known. Instead you come here to tell it to everyone.

quote:

It is so lonely to not be wanted. And if my wife doesn't want vanilla me there is no way she's ever going to want me with "special needs"

I dont get this , who didn't wanted you, and in what way? Does your wife only want vanilla? May I ask you how long you are married ? It feels to Me that you aren't happy in this marriage... or am I wrong?

quote:

I'm just trying to find some peace. And I have to find that myself

Isn't that all what Wwe seek?
But know you don't have to do this all on your own, feel free to email, if you want to talk about it.

I wish you loads of wisdom.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`.

< Message edited by GoddessTeaze -- 1/27/2008 11:39:57 PM >

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to TermsConditions)

Post #: 6

RE: Depressing and boring relationship post and appology - 1/28/2008 5:09:11 AM

TermsConditions

Posts: 446
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

Thank you GT for your response and kind words. The details of my home life are very sterotypical. I've read the same story from others many times and I think it would be tedious and boring to post the details on the message board. I might post a couple of questions as a "santiy check" to see how far my expectations are from being realistic. And thinking further, if my posts turn slobbery, stupid and pitiful it's the readers choice to read them and it will probably make me feel better. And still others might find it entertaiing :-)

Email might be better but I have never interacted one on one with anyone on CM or anywhere else as I think that is a limit I cannot cross. "Cyber is cheating." I've had a couple of people private mail me on CM and I have not replied. I'm afraid of what I might do. I apologize to those to whom I have not replied and I won't post to them here as they may not want it revealed that they contacted me privately..

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

Post #: 7

RE: Depressing and boring relationship post and appology - 1/28/2008 5:17:19 AM

TermsConditions

Posts: 446
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

MJ: A better reply more proportional to the effort you put into your reply.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply and for sharing some of your wisdom. I feel much better now and you have helped me see that I have more work to do. And you've pointed me in a good direction. I need to resolve the issues of my existing relationship first. It's the fair and right thing to do for both of us.

And there are other possibilities that you enuerate that I am not yet ready to contemplate.

I was really against a wall when I first posted last evening and you've helped me see that I'm not done yet. Thank you!

< Message edited by TermsConditions -- 1/28/2008 6:03:14 AM >

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 8

RE: Depressing and boring relationship post and appology - 1/28/2008 5:21:36 AM

TermsConditions

Posts: 446
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

AM I read through ~ 2/3 of your posts last night, a and it sounds like you worked through a great struggle by force of will and great strength. Thanks for sharing your story. It is a comfort to me and to others also. And thank you for your timely post last evening. I was losing it; but I was right. I do feel better and I see more clearly how to proceed thanks to you and others on the board.

< Message edited by TermsConditions -- 1/28/2008 6:04:13 AM >

(in reply to AtlantaMistress)

Post #: 9

RE: Depressing and boring relationship post and appology - 1/28/2008 7:28:49 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TermsConditions
Email might be better but I have never interacted one on one with anyone on CM or anywhere else as I think that is a limit I cannot cross. "Cyber is cheating."

I feel you're way too hard on yourself.
talking to people, or emailing, doesn't mean you cheat on anyone. Why is it not possible to have your own friends, with whom you share a side, which you don't have the chance to in your marriage?

To go meet a Dominant, and play with her without telling, that's what I call cheating.

But giving yourself a break, and give yourself space to get feelings of your chest, is only better for your heart, instead of feeling frustrated about this.

I wish you enough.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to TermsConditions)

Post #: 10

RE: Depressing and boring relationship post and appology - 1/28/2008 8:42:53 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

I cheated on a vanilla relationship to act out a BDSM fantasy. I was 20 years old at the time, and I could play the "young and dumb" card maybe, but the fact remains that it was one of the most hurtful things I've done to anyone in my life, and I am never cheating on anyone again. That's really the most I can make from that experience -- use a mistake to guide me into better acts in the future.

I agree 100% with the advice you have received about dealing face-to-face with your wife about your relationship with her. I wish I had done that more myself, in the situation I just mentioned. You do appear to have significant strength of character, and even if the decisions you (or your wife) make are painful, you will at least know you were honest, sincere and tried your best.

And besides.... maybe she is kinkier than either of you knows. This situation doesn't have to end badly for either of you, by any stretch of the imagination. Remember, there are professional sex therapists. The two of you could decide to go to one. The therapist could help you explore ways both of you could feel aroused together, instead of being mired in a dynamic like, "I'm just doing the boring stuff to please her"/"I'm just doing the sick stuff to please him."

My experience with the CM message boards is that the posters who most consistently give good advice are people who have been through difficult struggles about their own personality and sexuality. You are by no means the first man (or woman) struggling with these things. It shows that you are a decent person... and -- dare I say it -- normal.

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

Post #: 11

RE: Depressing and boring relationship post and appology - 1/28/2008 9:05:01 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

RedMagic1. Why should he insist that his wife go to a sex therapists. Why should she be forced or led into his way of thinking. If he and his wife have talked this over and she does not want to change then leave it be. If they can compromise on things then great. If not then it is time for him to move on. Life isnt about whishing and hoping things will change. You have to make the changes yourself.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 12

RE: Depressing and boring relationship post and appology - 1/28/2008 9:31:44 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

"The two of you could decide to go to one" is not the same as him unilaterally insisting. Of course he has to make decisions for himself, but he just posted that he agreed with MaamJay's advice to deal frankly with his wife on the vanilla relationship first.

The OP strikes me as a quality person, who is in a tough spot and still wants to do things honestly and forthrightly. Therapists can help couples overcome blockages in communication. Is it the right thing for everyone? No. Was it worth pointing out as a possibility? I thought so, so I did it.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 13

RE: Depressing and boring relationship post and appology - 1/29/2008 5:49:42 AM

TermsConditions

Posts: 446
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

Thank you GT for your kind interest.

I agree that emailing does not have to be cheating and I thank you for being interested and willing to communicate with me. The problem with email is me and other things that I am tempted to do. I think that once I began interacting one on one with another person a line would be crossed in my mind.

The problem would not be emaling you, GT, as an aquantence or freind. The problem would be email I have received from others that have asked me to do other things. These things temp me greatly and I'm afraid that I would not be able to maintain a line between things that are innocent and things that would not be.

Thank you again for your kind words and insight and I'm happy to post and reply here on the board.

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

Post #: 14

RE: Depressing and boring relationship post and appology - 1/29/2008 7:14:10 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Termsconditions, I was a bit confused by the OP, so I went back and looked at the profile. It made the original statement a little clearer. However, I'm afraid I don't understand enough about the situation.

If your plight is that you had to correct a deception with someone here, i.e., not being forthright about being married, I'll say this: Good. I'm a firm believer of being up front with personal circumstances. If you messed that up the first time, and had to go back and fix it, I'll give you the kudos for standing up and doing what you should have done in the first place. I can promise you that I'm not easy on lying, and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in that.

Now on to the further, that wasn't specifically said in the OP. The subsequent posts lead Me to believe that you are in a situation where the BDSM interests that you have don't match up with your mate. I'm just wondering if you have ever talked about it with her? I mean *really* talked about it. What does she know about these things you feel? What does she accept? Is there a complete impass on the subject? For all of the feelings, wants, and needs you have, she has her own set of feelings, wants, and needs, too. As much as you crave aspects of BDSM, she might have the exact same feelings toward being vanilla. I couldn't possibly make a comment to your full situation without knowing much about it.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to TermsConditions)

Post #: 15

RE: Depressing and boring relationship post and appology - 1/29/2008 7:25:43 AM

chiaThePet

Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline

'Depressing and boring relationship post and apology'

Yep, yep, and....................... alright you're forgiven.

Just don't let it happen again young man.

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to TermsConditions)

Post #: 16

RE: Depressing and boring relationship post and appology - 1/29/2008 7:41:05 AM

LadyHathor

Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

RedMagic1. Why should he insist that his wife go to a sex therapists. Why should she be forced or led into his way of thinking. If he and his wife have talked this over and she does not want to change then leave it be. If they can compromise on things then great. If not then it is time for him to move on. Life isnt about whishing and hoping things will change. You have to make the changes yourself.

hmm I believe the advice was "the two of you"---not she--and there is an assumption here that there is nothing deep---love and sex are not, to many people one in the same, they can be mutually exclusive in some relationships--perhpas his feelings for his wife supercede the manifestations---after all not everyone sees a partner as a pair of shoes with a refund policy.

I have seen many men in this very situation, they wrestle with what drives them versus love, versus society, versus the one that they currently have---it isn't an easy decision nor an easy road.

_____________________________

Lady Hathor, I am the Mistress Hathor of Orleans, I am what I am, often to the dismay and discomfort of others.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 17

RE: Depressing and boring relationship post and appology - 1/29/2008 11:10:29 AM

TermsConditions

Posts: 446
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

Thank you LP for your post.

When I interacted with folks on the forum and they looked at my profile they would not know that I was married. I should have disclosed that initially. Full disclosure also keeps me from deceiving myself.

As MaamJay pointed out, my 'nilla relationship needs to be fixed first and your question allows me to reveal one facet of my challenge. Writing this out is theraputic to me; I'm doing it for selfish reasons. If this is illustrative or educational or entertaining to others all the better. And I'm willing to respond to anyone here on the board. This only exists on the board so nothing for the wife to find also no spell checker, sorry.

This is my perspective with as little drama added as possible.

We have been married for 18 years. My spouse and I do not really talk about anything very frequently. I try to engage her periodically but she has not been willing to engage in a substantive "touchy feely" conversation.

We are both very busy with professional, family (kids), social, and community obligations. We stay over-scheduled and over commited. She is engaged in our community and is always helping others solve problems and listening to their troubles, which she repeats to me and I try to patiently take it in. She puts a lot of effort into caring for others; a trait that I have always admired in her.

I do spend too much time at work and have been trying to change.

She does not like to be touched nor does she touch.In the last few months I occasionaly sit at her feet or sit with her on the couch and take her feet in my hands to rub her feet at the end of the day; she pretty quickly tells me to stop. I resently sat at her feet while she was petting the cat and reading the paper and asked if she would pet me like she was petting the cat. She asked if I really needed to be petted like the cat and something in her tone made me think I should say no, which I did.

There have been years (only a handful) that we did not engage in sex. There have been occasional periods of days that she fondles me and grinds herslef against me in her sleep at night. This is very difficult to endure.

Several few years ago I joked with her that I knew we were due to have sex because it was time to change the batteries in the smoke detectors. She has made it a point to initiate sex a little more frequently than that since then. And when we do it's wonderful.

She does not verbalize emotions or feelings. "I told you that I loved you when we got married and I'll let you know when I change my mind" she says.

Obviously she is not the same as the person I fell in love with twenty years ago. But this has been the state of things for at least ten years. I love her and respect her very much. She is a wonderful partner and I enjoy the time we spend together.

My 'nilla relationship needs to be fixed first.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 18

RE: Depressing and boring relationship post and appology - 1/29/2008 12:45:51 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

TnC, I greatly appreciate the explanation you were willing to provide. I also tend to agree with you. The home front needs to be tended first. Once that is done, then you and she will have a better perspective on all of this.

Btw, should the question of being petted like a cat come up again, maybe next time you should say yes. Many living things like to be shown affection in a physical (non sexual) way.

I'd like to wish the best of luck to both of you.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to TermsConditions)

Post #: 19

RE: Depressing and boring relationship post and appology - 1/29/2008 3:04:18 PM

TermsConditions

Posts: 446
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

Thank you kind response cTP. I can promise the third thing (lying) won't happen again. Depressing I can tip-toe around but boring will be tough.

Here I am talking about my little issues " 'Nilla blah blah blah blah, is that normal?"

While in other threads they're debating how many Buicks can one parallel park in someone's else's rectum or does the flogger go on the same side as the forks or above the plate? Just otherwordly stuff.

Boring is going to be tough to dodge.

(in reply to chiaThePet)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Depressing and boring relationship post and appology

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094