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RE: Sex - 9/2/2005 7:29:38 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
So much of this is based on individual preference. In the most practical definition, I would probably be classified a "bedroom femdom" because I have no desire or rush from any kind of dominance over my partner in a domestic sense, or a service sense. My femdom urges are all expressed through flirtation and sensuality and are and undercurrent that runs steadily through things, highlighted by more intense moments/hours/evenings/weekends of intense fetishy flat out Femdom lust. However, a large per cent of those moments do not lead into or directly include sexual intercourse; it's just the way I express my femininity and sensuality.

The "is it sexual then?" question was a tough one for me in my 20s because I had to make it clear to partners that I was not into casual sex, but I would do casual bdsm. At the same time, I wasn't just a straight sadist top either, I actually was a sensual femdom very into bondage and intimacy. I just wasn't going to get into fucking or sucking or eating or licking on a casual basis. At the same time, I could have a mindblowing BDSM romp with a guy that included a ton of bondage and sensuality, and it satisfied me on an entirely different level than a straight out orgasm.

It made things much easier to keep a primary partner as both my BDSM partner and my sexual partner. Still, I have a lust for flirtacious domination outside my relationship that doesn't go away. Could I ever dominate other men? Oh yeah, and I could really get into it. But I don't want to have a sexual (fluid) relationship with another man, and finding a fetishy BDSM boy type who could take all that sensual, suggestive, teasing, fetishy domination and have a clear line drawn in sand would be a tall order. It also would be a dangerous line to walk for me, also, in keeping my own urges in check. BDSM can make me very lustful and impulsive. A bad decision at the wrong time with a partner that wouldn't remind me of the limits could lead to a path of infidelity that I don't want to take. So the farthest I've taken that is fairly light, and in the physical presence of a girlfriend, or two.

Akasha


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(in reply to pollux)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Sex - 9/2/2005 8:09:05 PM   
Misstoyou


Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingmaster45

If I beat your ass, I will fuck your ass...


Concise and accurate from my POV, too, though I don't know if precisely for the same reason. lol I don't do casual play. If I decide to invest my energy in a sub, it's because I've decided I *want* that sub, in every sense of the word. Which, of course, explains why most of the time my answer to messages is a flat "no, thank you." But I still know I'm going to regret posting this...

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a.k.a. "mean Lady"


(in reply to lovingmaster45)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Sex - 9/2/2005 8:46:44 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		I don't have any one full time. but You can be bdsm and not fuck someone. Being D/s does not mean you have to fuck them to be domiant over them. I can be aroused and excited but that does NOT mean I have to fuck any one. I can spank the shit out of someone's ass and roast it totaly red and not have fucked any one at all. Am I excited , are the endorphines flowing, most likly. Have I fucked then no. I can make them do my bidding and not have fucked them either. If you have to use your genitals to dominate someone then in my opnion their not truely dominant. If someone only obeys the penis, or pussy or only does so cause they expect to be fucked,then the persons not in charge the genitalia is.

Intelligence should dictate that not everything has to be about fucking someone you're dominating. It'd be a nice treat for the bottom or slave or sub, but it's not nessisary to fuck someone to be dominant over them. If it is then that's not in my experince and expectations true domination.

Arousal or excitement don't always forsee having sex. I can be arounsed excited happy blah blah blah and not want to fuck them.

If I am topping my bf as I like to do once in awhile, we might have sex, do we always have sex? No.


quote:

then do they only engage in your purely "vanilla" types of sexual activity? As John Warren said, play is highly sexual. If one wasn't at least a little aroused or excited by it, why do it


< Message edited by FelinePersuasion -- 9/2/2005 9:06:01 PM >

(in reply to FLButtSlut)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Sex - 9/2/2005 8:59:27 PM   
pollux


Posts: 657
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren

One thing to consider what is meant by "sex." On one hand we have Clintonian sex and on the other JanetHardy sex. To Clinton, it was penis in vagina. To Janet, it's "it makes me wet." One needs to make clear where one means using this word.

I see my play as highly sexual, but Libby and I reserve genital/genital sex just for ourselves.




Yep, it would've helped if I had made that clear. You can see all the different assumptions people make in the responses. I was really talking about the Janet Hardy type I guess. For me, there has to be some element of arousal. Doesn't necessarily have to be intercourse, but there has to be some erotic component.

(in reply to JohnWarren)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Sex - 9/2/2005 9:05:09 PM   
brightspot


Posts: 3052
Status: offline 		Hello Pollux,

MsN and my relationship is alive with a D/s power exchange and
kink in and out of the bedroom.

*Brightspot

_____________________________

"Comedy is NOT Pretty!" ~Peter Nelson

But..."May at Least One person have a sense of Humor!" ~KML.

http://360.yahoo.com/my_profile-TD4TwEw8crWS3GHFDcs_DK1rHmW6Dq_E;_ylt=Av2PfG9gH0wkQrMPivuMCivGAOJ3

(in reply to pollux)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Sex - 9/2/2005 9:07:57 PM   
pollux


Posts: 657
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: luvdragonx

Some folks might think that if you limit yourself to one aspect of BDSM, there's no way you can grow. Those people have likely spent a lot of time on themselves, and would like to share with someone of a like mind. I'm sure you've seen enough threads about HNG to see why topics related strictly to sex are seen as suspect. I would also venture to guess that should one of the more established member start a thread on a purely sexual topic, the response would be better. Although they probably couldn't help but take it back to the mental/psychological discussion after a while


The other thing I maybe should've made clear was the aversion to sex in the forums wasn't really what was troubling me. I understand why that is -- totally. It was more the idea that someone whose kink is related to eroticism is less genuine than one who extends his kink outside the bedroom. I saw the aversion to sex/arousal discussions in the forum as more of a symptom of that than the actual problem.

(in reply to luvdragonx)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Sex - 9/2/2005 9:24:59 PM   
pollux


Posts: 657
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline 		Wow. So many good replies...

Thanks everybody.

(in reply to pollux)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Sex - 9/2/2005 9:44:38 PM   
luvdragonx


Posts: 388
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pollux

quote:

ORIGINAL: luvdragonx

Some folks might think that if you limit yourself to one aspect of BDSM, there's no way you can grow. Those people have likely spent a lot of time on themselves, and would like to share with someone of a like mind. I'm sure you've seen enough threads about HNG to see why topics related strictly to sex are seen as suspect. I would also venture to guess that should one of the more established member start a thread on a purely sexual topic, the response would be better. Although they probably couldn't help but take it back to the mental/psychological discussion after a while


The other thing I maybe should've made clear was the aversion to sex in the forums wasn't really what was troubling me. I understand why that is -- totally. It was more the idea that someone whose kink is related to eroticism is less genuine than one who extends his kink outside the bedroom. I saw the aversion to sex/arousal discussions in the forum as more of a symptom of that than the actual problem.


Gotcha.

I'll further offer the idea that many people who have done some deep introspection have found that BDSM is more than sexual to them. They may then see those who view kinky sex as the end all be all as less in touch or superficial. Granted, not all self-actualized (Lady A put this term in BDSM context for me) people are so judgemental. The people who are judgemental are no more enlightened than the people they criticize.

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Never Without Love

(in reply to pollux)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Sex - 9/2/2005 10:22:54 PM   
anopheles


Posts: 241
Joined: 6/23/2005
Status: offline
quote:


The other thing I maybe should've made clear was the aversion to sex in the forums wasn't really what was troubling me. I understand why that is -- totally. It was more the idea that someone whose kink is related to eroticism is less genuine than one who extends his kink outside the bedroom. I saw the aversion to sex/arousal discussions in the forum as more of a symptom of that than the actual problem.



I don't think anyone whose interest in BDSM is primarily sexual is any less genuine. You put into your lifestyle what you want to get out of it. Aspects of power exchange lifestyles are difficult for some people to translate out of the bedroom. My Luvdragon has been my wife for years, as equal partners. Now, of our own choice, we are not {quite} equals, but she is also my submissive and I am her Dominant. Relearning roles is not easy by any stretch of the imagination for either of us, but it is rewarding and definitely worth the effort. For some, though, when the passion of the 'kinky sex' dies down, when you wake up in the morning, being who you were while tied up or flogging someone just doesn't work for you. Whether you are a sub or not, I wouldn't recommend looking for something that just ain't quite there. Recognize that all you want is to play, and play. Then go on with your life. Anything more doesn't give you any satisfaction to yourself, and you owe it to your Dominant to let them know that you can't go any further, whether it be in a scene, or how you want your relationship to progress.

To respond to your comment about aversion being a symptom rather than a problem, I don't think so. As you progress in a relationship with someone, the feelings that give you pleasure takes different forms. What once was an excitement by using a flogger is now having your sub remember your favorite drink and making sure that it's ready for you, without you asking. In addition, I think a lot of people here have been with partners for such a while that discussing their sexual aspects on the forum aren't quite as erotic or appealing as it was at first when they began their exploration into WIITWD.

A healthy discussion about how to arouse, how to be aroused though, would be a welcome addition to the board though, for those that need and desire it.

_____________________________

You've got me so high, my shoes are scraping the sky -- for my Luvdragon

(in reply to luvdragonx)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Sex - 9/3/2005 1:05:35 AM   
Wickad


Posts: 428
Joined: 3/12/2005
Status: offline 		I find this thread very interesting as I have been critcized many times for NOT wanting sex with my play. I have been told that the only reason to be involved in BDSM is to eventually fuck. I don't happen to agree with this sentiment. The people who go on about 'not being real' I believe are simply to imature to realize that each person and each relationship is unique. It is easier for some people to create a 'we vs. them' attitude so that they can be 'alright'. It's very sad but I tend to not listen to what others would define my relationships for me as and do that defining myself.

Wickad

(in reply to anopheles)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Sex - 9/3/2005 1:08:59 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Yes, this has been a very good thread, and I'm glad you raised the issue. It bothers me too when people haul out their "only the lowlifes are in the lifestyle for sex" routine, but I've become inured to it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pollux

Wow. So many good replies...

Thanks everybody.


(in reply to pollux)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Sex - 9/3/2005 1:15:18 AM   
RavenofPK


Posts: 320
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2


The other reason is that Ds and bdsm is about AUTHORITY, not sex, at its core. People in bdsm and Ds have the SAME hang ups and issues about sex that vanilla people do. Thus, they will hold it at arms length and be fairly puritanical about it just like vanillas.


Or.......more accurately.......psuedo-authority.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Sex - 9/3/2005 1:17:58 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		No, "more accurately" would be PSEUDO-authority.

(in reply to RavenofPK)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Sex - 9/3/2005 8:19:20 AM   
Fawne


Posts: 462
Status: offline 		Wait!
OP: Maybe all of us posters are taking the question too seriously?

Maybe you mean people look down on HNGs? clueless people who are just hoping for fast easy sex (giggle)? Or wanna talk cyber sex with barely legal hot bi babes, horny housewifes in agony just for u, jock frat boys helplessly hogtied on cold, slippery tile...
<grin>

I think some people, (well, men, sorry fellas) are so into porn fantasy; they don't see BDSM profilers as "real" people, just JO fantasy material. Like free phone sex?

Is this what you are saying :)?

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Sex - 9/3/2005 8:47:44 AM   
Fawne


Posts: 462
Status: offline
quote:

I would also venture to guess that should one of the more established member start a thread on a purely sexual topic, the response would be better. Although they probably couldn't help but take it back to the mental/psychological discussion after a while


Please do!

I love, love, love to discuss sexual psychology!

However, i am restrained from discussing it directly as my mouth is likely to be stuffed with something.. hmmn maybe so i can't ask: "so.. please, tell me more about your childhood angst.." ;)

(in reply to luvdragonx)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Sex - 9/3/2005 1:23:42 PM   
MstrHellsFury


Posts: 388
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline 		all I'm gonna say on this issue is this...just don't let a lady with a tatt walk past me...pants go into tent city....glad I got that out of my system..

Fury

(in reply to pollux)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Sex - 9/3/2005 2:44:21 PM   
AbstractSavant


Posts: 149
Joined: 6/5/2005
Status: offline 		My Master and I have a great BDSM relationship, and amazing sex life.

But, there are things that I am into and he is not...he's not too into inflicting much pain, and doesn't really like flogging and knife play, which are two of my FAVORITE things. Part of our open relationship is that I can seek to fulfill these personal interests and desires with other people...but I won't have intercourse with them.

I suppose there are multiple issues and situations that would bring people to say "no sex".

It isn't always that sex is "taboo" in the BDSM scene, I think...but more that people have a multitude of needs and have those needs fulfilled by different people.

(in reply to MstrHellsFury)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Sex - 9/3/2005 4:26:17 PM   
RandBcouple


Posts: 86
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline 		My Master explained to me that His belief why BDSM is so attractive, it's that it brings people back to the natural order of things. That it is natures will and devine providence that there be one head of the family unit and a clear chain of command established. This is the way it is in the animal kingdom and it's the way God intended man to live. It has been our weak society that has defouled this plan. That is why it is so easy to trace the social decline in America to the point where men became women and women became men, ie; 1960's.

If everyone truly soul searches themselves, they know this to be true. You cannot have but one head of a company, one head of a country, and most importantly, only one head of a family. Whether you believe this to be a male or a female, head of the family, is up to individual opinion. I believe it to be the male position, however, as long as there's one clear cut leader of the family, so mote it be!

~hugs~
Babygirl

(in reply to NakedOnMyChain)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Sex - 9/3/2005 4:34:25 PM   
MstrHellsFury


Posts: 388
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline 		holy canoly...just checking my body parts...I was here in the 60's...hey wait a minute....my swang didn't morf into a female...OK who started this stupid rumor in the first place....and I think I have small male breastess...

Fury

(in reply to RandBcouple)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Sex - 9/3/2005 6:15:14 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RandBcouple
If everyone truly soul searches themselves, they know this to be true. You cannot have but one head of a company, one head of a country, and most importantly, only one head of a family. Whether you believe this to be a male or a female, head of the family, is up to individual opinion. I believe it to be the male position, however, as long as there's one clear cut leader of the family, so mote it be!

~hugs~
Babygirl

Except for slave who DO have two masters, which isn't uncommon. That is what is natural for them. Also in my poly relationship, there may be SOME semblance of authority, but there's no real chain of command with a lot of room for flexibility. My boyfriend plays with my Boston partners wife, but doesn't submit to her, I dominate her husband in a lot of ways but she's his life partner.

As well, vanilla relationships are not based on a chain of command heirarchy (whether it exists or not) and they survive just as well as bdsm relationships do.

For me, being in bdsm isn't about returning to "a" natural order, it's simply my own orientation.

(in reply to RandBcouple)
Profile   Post #: 40
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