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How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 4:34:17 PM   
subsnow


Posts: 152
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline 		I am a submissive female. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. When him and I first got together, he was very Dominant with me. There were rules, punishments, and SM play. It was the first time that he had ever really had a submissive. We had fun. Now, I'm lucky if I get that sort of thing once every couple of months. In addition to that, he travels during the week so, despite living together, I only get to see him on the weekends. I love my boyfriend VERY much and I know he feels the same about me. At the same time, I'm seriously craving some domination and SM play. I need it. I went looking for a relationship with a Dom for a reason. He said that he wants to bring it back into the relationship but the circumstances aren't right.

I thought about asking him if he would mind me seeing another male during the week for play. There would be no sex, just SM play. I am afraid that it will be a huge blow to his self-esteem. How would you react if you were approached with this question?
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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 4:57:24 PM   
sweetstorm


Posts: 227
Joined: 5/3/2004
Status: offline 		I personally can't imagine him being any less hurt than if you told him that you NEED to have sex and therefore request that he let you have sex outside of the relationship while he's away.

If I were you, I'd talk to him. I'd tell him what my concerns and desires are, what I feel I need and ask him if he can help to meet some of these desires. If he states that he can't, then I'd imagine my concern would fall more in the "why not" category than the "but this is what I NEEEEEEEEED" category.

_____________________________

You don't need a parachute to skydive.

You need a parachute to skydive twice.

(in reply to subsnow)
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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 4:57:46 PM   
kinkypuppy2


Posts: 345
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline 		Sit down over a cup of ? and tell him

_____________________________

See nic "Kinkypupper" also as "slvseeker" As I cannot reply to any posts or log into collarchat under that name I had to create this profile.

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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 5:08:41 PM   
SirMIkeSD


Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline 		Let me see if I got this right your Dom is working/traveling out of town during the week, so he is tried when he comes home for the weekend and he has to deal with all of the things he could not get to during the week because he was not there AND you want to ask him if you can play during the week? 

I know you would NOT like the answer to "can I play during the week" if you asked me.

Mike

(in reply to kinkypuppy2)
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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 5:12:39 PM   
subsnow


Posts: 152
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline 		I've talked to him about what I need and how much I need it but I've never outright told him that I'm not getting enough. He is always apologizing for not being able to provide me with what I crave. He tries but it just doesn't happen often enough or to the degree that would satisfy me. Part of it has to do with the fact that he loves me too much to hurt me. I've told him that I enjoy and long for the pain in hopes that it would solve this problem. Part of it has to do with his weight and the fact that he's on a couple of different medications. Both of those things have a tendency to lower libido. His libido is what would drive him to do what I'm looking for. At one point I wondered if his lack of action was because he wasn't attracted to me anymore but when I asked him, he was horrified. He felt so bad that I thought this was the issue.

I'm going to talk to him about my needs again but I feel like even having that talk, without asking if I could have a play partner, would lower his self-esteem. I thought about asking if he'd consider using the little blue pill to increase his libido but, again, how will this effect his confidence?

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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 5:13:19 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Hmmm....I think you need to be patient.
Of course, I can't imagine S/m without some sort of play, so...
(I actually had a dream the other night about wanting that sort of play with my former Master, and trying to figure out how to do it without, and I couldn't.)
If you can, perhaps the answer is different, then.

~Christina

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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 5:15:29 PM   
subsnow


Posts: 152
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirMIkeSD

Let me see if I got this right your Dom is working/traveling out of town during the week, so he is tried when he comes home for the weekend and he has to deal with all of the things he could not get to during the week because he was not there AND you want to ask him if you can play during the week? 

I know you would NOT like the answer to "can I play during the week" if you asked me.

Mike



I don't think that exhaustion from work is the issue though. We do lots of things on the weekend that require energy and he's willing and able to do those activities. I think it's something else. Plus, I know many Doms who use SM play to unwind.

(in reply to SirMIkeSD)
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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 5:19:19 PM   
sweetstorm


Posts: 227
Joined: 5/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subsnow

I've talked to him about what I need and how much I need it but I've never outright told him that I'm not getting enough. He is always apologizing for not being able to provide me with what I crave. He tries but it just doesn't happen often enough or to the degree that would satisfy me. Part of it has to do with the fact that he loves me too much to hurt me. I've told him that I enjoy and long for the pain in hopes that it would solve this problem. Part of it has to do with his weight and the fact that he's on a couple of different medications. Both of those things have a tendency to lower libido. His libido is what would drive him to do what I'm looking for. At one point I wondered if his lack of action was because he wasn't attracted to me anymore but when I asked him, he was horrified. He felt so bad that I thought this was the issue.

I'm going to talk to him about my needs again but I feel like even having that talk, without asking if I could have a play partner, would lower his self-esteem. I thought about asking if he'd consider using the little blue pill to increase his libido but, again, how will this effect his confidence?


As I tell my sub-sister often:
By not telling him exactly how you feel, you withhold the choices from him and therefore deprive him of control of the situation.
Now be a good little sub and quit topping from the bottom and give him back the control. 

_____________________________

You don't need a parachute to skydive.

You need a parachute to skydive twice.

(in reply to subsnow)
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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 5:25:21 PM   
subsnow


Posts: 152
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline 		What if he doesn't want the control though? I was his first submissive. Maybe he discovered with me that this isn't what he really wants. Maybe he's more of a top and prefers to dominate only in the bedroom. If his libido is low, he won't even want to top in the bedroom because he has no desire for sex. This is something that I still need to talk to him about but haven't thought of until now. Your comments are helping me brainstorm.

Back to the original question: Putting everything else aside, how would it effect your self-esteem if someone asked you if they could have a play partner? Lets assume that you love the person very much and have no desire to play yourself.

< Message edited by subsnow -- 1/28/2008 5:29:37 PM >

(in reply to sweetstorm)
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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 5:27:00 PM   
ThundersCry


Posts: 892
Status: offline 		You may try talking to him about his...sadism. Maybe he has not embraced all of it and is comfortable with *it*..at this point in his life. Ask him.
 
I say this because you stated...*he loves me to much to hurt me*...
 
Mentors are a HUGE help, if he can find one to confide in. A lost art I am afraid...
 
There have been some in my life at times who would try to draw it out of me, force it...the more they tried, the less I gave...Not sure I will ever get there and right now it`s the least of my concerns.
 
Does`nt take a WHOLE lot to just beat someone <shrugs>
 
A sadist above all has to know he/she is safe just as the sub does....Then things can happen.
 
Talk talk talk...
 
Enjoy the trip...

(in reply to subsnow)
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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 5:35:50 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subsnow
Back to the original question: Putting everything else aside, how would it effect your self-esteem if someone asked you if they could have a play partner? Lets assume that you love the person very much and have no desire to play yourself.


It wouldn't affect my self-esteem. I wouldn't allow it, either.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to subsnow)
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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 5:57:04 PM   
sweetstorm


Posts: 227
Joined: 5/3/2004
Status: offline 		I'd be pissed as all holy hell that this discussion of needs and wants hadn't been brought up at least twice for discussion and that it had fallen to the extreme of me handing my sub off to someone else to be played with.

I would be telling my sub that if it means that much to them, they should find another partner period. Not just play partner.

_____________________________

You don't need a parachute to skydive.

You need a parachute to skydive twice.

(in reply to Level)
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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 6:06:03 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subsnow

I am a submissive female. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. When him and I first got together, he was very Dominant with me. There were rules, punishments, and SM play. It was the first time that he had ever really had a submissive. We had fun. Now, I'm lucky if I get that sort of thing once every couple of months. In addition to that, he travels during the week so, despite living together, I only get to see him on the weekends. I love my boyfriend VERY much and I know he feels the same about me. At the same time, I'm seriously craving some domination and SM play. I need it. I went looking for a relationship with a Dom for a reason. He said that he wants to bring it back into the relationship but the circumstances aren't right.

I thought about asking him if he would mind me seeing another male during the week for play. There would be no sex, just SM play. I am afraid that it will be a huge blow to his self-esteem. How would you react if you were approached with this question?


i am not a Master, but i can predict the answer from pretty much anyone you ask this question...unless this senario had been discussed and agreed to prior to establishing any type of relationship...the answer is going to be: if i can not fulfill your needs and you feel you need to go outside our relationship, our relationship is over...and almost certainly not so nicely...

so perhaps you should discuss somethings with your boyfriend, see if he is willing to be educated in why it is showing love to "hurt you"....or perhaps, and this may be a little harsh but i'm gonna say it anyway, you should sit your happy ass down and be supportive while he works and put your libido on the back burner because the bills don't get paid because you got your jollies...or perhaps you should find a new relationship with someone who can work 9 to 5 and come home and have sex every night and go to play parties or S/M clubs every weekend....

good luck with whatever decision you make...
chelle

< Message edited by chellekitty -- 1/28/2008 6:07:08 PM >

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 6:20:29 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirMIkeSD

Let me see if I got this right your Dom is working/traveling out of town during the week, so he is tried when he comes home for the weekend and he has to deal with all of the things he could not get to during the week because he was not there AND you want to ask him if you can play during the week? 

I know you would NOT like the answer to "can I play during the week" if you asked me.

Mike


Sorry, but I am kind of in agreement with Mike here; and since he said it so much nicer than I would have; I will leave it there.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to SirMIkeSD)
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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 6:34:58 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		If you've never come right out and told him what you are now telling us, your communication skills could use some improvement, don't you think?  Be honest, direct, blunt, and take responsibility for allowing things to get this bad.  You could have opened up to him a long time ago, after all. 

In other news, "I love you so I don't want to hurt you" is a very common "problem."  You aren't going to solve it by communicating more with strangers than with the man who loves you.

(in reply to IrishMist)
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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 6:36:26 PM   
subsnow


Posts: 152
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline 		I really don't think that love is being taken into account here. You can't just say "it's over" when you love someone. If I were in my boyfriend's position and he were in mine, I would tell him to find a play partner but keep me in the loop. Since I love him and want him to be happy but can no longer provide what he needs to be happy (meaning I was able to provide it at some point), I'd say go for it. 

I think you're being a little harsh on me. Some may say that I need to be more submissive and stop demanding things but the D/s part of our relationship no longer exists. You're acting as if I'm asking for the world. When we first started this relationship, it was agreed upon that we would have a D/s relationship including SM play. Those were my expectations going into the relationship. Then things changed...but my love for him still grew. Why throw it all away when I can find the one thing that I'm lacking in my perfect relationship elsewhere?

(in reply to chellekitty)
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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 6:37:40 PM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subsnow
I went looking for a relationship with a Dom for a reason.


Tell him that. Over and again. As many times as you need to until the statement hits home.

(in reply to subsnow)
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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 6:40:21 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Why throw it all away when I can find the one thing that I'm lacking in my perfect relationship elsewhere?




_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to subsnow)
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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 6:41:53 PM   
subsnow


Posts: 152
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

If you've never come right out and told him what you are now telling us, your communication skills could use some improvement, don't you think?  Be honest, direct, blunt, and take responsibility for allowing things to get this bad.  You could have opened up to him a long time ago, after all. 

In other news, "I love you so I don't want to hurt you" is a very common "problem."  You aren't going to solve it by communicating more with strangers than with the man who loves you.


We actually have great communication and I HAVE brought it up to him before. At least I've brought up the fact that I need these things. He's well aware of the fact that he isn't providing them. As I mentioned before, he's apologized for not being able to provide them to me. It hasn't gotten "that bad" because of poor communication. I'm simply trying to find a solution to the problem without hurting his feelings or throwing our relationship away.

Many people would cheat if they were in my position. I'm not one of those people. I've heard of many couples who agreed to have one or both partners find what they need elsewhere. They were still able to maintain a happy healthy relationship at home. If two people trust each other enough, something like this could work.

I think of it like this. The man in the relationship might love golf but the girl hates it. She is ok with him going to play golf with his buddies. The girl loves to shop but the man hates it. He is ok with her going to the mall with her girlfriends. Instead of me loving to shop, I love to be beaten. Give and take. Compromise. Maybe everyone is reacting so negatively to it because it's so sexual in nature. It's fulfills more than just a sexual need for me though. I need it for emotionaly and psychological needs as well.

< Message edited by subsnow -- 1/28/2008 6:55:03 PM >

(in reply to RedMagic1)
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RE: How would YOU respond? - 1/28/2008 6:49:37 PM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subsnow

I've talked to him about what I need and how much I need it but I've never outright told him that I'm not getting enough. He is always apologizing for not being able to provide me with what I crave. I'm going to talk to him about my needs again but I feel like even having that talk, without asking if I could have a play partner, would lower his self-esteem. I thought about asking if he'd consider using the little blue pill to increase his libido but, again, how will this effect his confidence?


I know that you were seeking answers from other dominants, but I would like to chime in with a couple of suggestions, Ladies and Gentlemen permitting or maybe at least forgiving.

Scratch the play-partner idea. While it is possible for a Dominant to have someone handle maintenance if they are going to be absent for a long period (say military duty), few Dominants are going to feel comfortable with that kind of deal.  There are several things you could be doing instead to make things enjoyable for you both.

  1. If there is a weight problem that is contributing to the problems, begin to work on a healthy diet for you both and exercise. It can be as simple as a walk when he is home, before dinner, or as strenuous as he is interested in on the weekend.
  2. Do as much of what needs to be done as you can. Master travels a lot for a living, and it came to my attention that when he got home on the weekends, he was trying to catch up with repairs, lawn mowing, bill paying and errands. I can't do the bill paying (he does that via bill pay now which I brought to his attention) but I could hire someone to mow the lawn, and I have gotten very handy with minor repairs. If a major investment has to be made in the house, I do all the preshopping and comparisons for him, so all he has to do is make the final decision.
  3. Pamper the heck out of him, a healthy breakfast in bed (fruits, cereals, etc) while you service him in another way,  even if it is nothing more than rubbing his feet and a massage after he has eaten, he will feel a lot more frisky than if he did a wash rinse repeat of his work day mornings.
  4. Draw him a bath, and bathe him. Anything you can do to help him relax is going to help his libido and your own need to serve at the same time.
  5. Write him stories or find some that catch your attention. Share them with him during the week via email, or by phone, It can help to set the mood for the weekend. It will also serve to tell him what you are interested in if you have difficulty voiceing it.
  6. Sit down and ask him to set out Rules, Chores and Tasks that you MUST complete during the week. Even when he is not there it will help you to feel your submission to his will.  If He desires this could include some self-inflicted torments, that you will need to send him pictures of.

Remember, sex starts in the brain and most men are very visually oriented. If you are not making the effort to put him first or to be pleasing in the way you dress and carry yourself, it's not going to help spark things up again. We do and can have a bad habit of not always putting our best foot forward when we ourselves are disappointed. While this link is to Snopes and an Urban Legend, the advice within the purported article is pretty sound advice for a submissive. http://www.snopes.com/language/document/goodwife.asp 

Try the self cure before trying to play outside. Remember part of his being your Master is you are under his protection. He can't protect you if you are playing with others when he is out of town.

poenkitten 


(in reply to subsnow)
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