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RE: Would you tell them? - 1/29/2008 6:11:32 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I would absolutely tell them.  My husband is an automatic yes.  We share our lives together.  Death is a part of life.  There is no way I would rob him of the opportunity of saying good-bye to Me in the way he would chose. 

For My sub, I would tell him as well.  Mostly so he could also ask all of his questions and receive any kind of closure from Me that I might be able to assist him with before I go.  I could not protect him from the pain he would feel, but I could hold him when he heard the news.


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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Would you tell them? - 1/29/2008 7:21:54 AM   
Emperor1956


Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		I would definitely tell them.  I know this because of two experiences that have shaped my views on death.  At one time I would have said, much as the OP did at first in this thread, "I'll be gone, what do I care?"   But I know that is wrong, and selfish.  In fact not telling your loved ones may be the pentultimate act of selfishness (the ultimate act is suicide, of course).  You tell these people not because of how YOU feel, but because of how they will feel if you leave them suddenly, without warning.  This is one time when it isn't all about Me...it is about those I love.
 
My little brother died suddenly about 4 1/2 years ago.  We knew he'd had serious illnesses, but we weren't prepared for his very quick (about 10 hours from diagnosis to death) death from liver failure.  When your liver stops working the blood flow through the portal vein backs up, and you bleed to death internally.  There is never enough time to say goodbye to someone you love.  I believe that had he known how sick he was, he'd have told us and been with us.  I was fortunate in that my brother and I, while not very close growing up (rivals in a small family only 20 months apart) had grown very close.  He died with me, my wife and his life partner holding him in bed.
 
A year ago my best friend's husband (also a very dear friend) was murdered.  He went to work at his new, very exciting job, worked late, went to stay at a friend's house rather than drive a fair distance home, went to sleep in a guest room, and someone broke in and stabbed him to death.  The effect on my friend has been devastating, of course, but all the more so because she never had a chance to say goodbye.  To withhold the knowledge that you are going to die is selfish -- to have it is a gift that you can share with your own to make your disappearance a bit easier on them.
 
E.
 
 

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: Would you tell them? - 1/29/2008 7:30:47 AM   
viewfromthetop


Posts: 34
Joined: 1/21/2008
Status: offline 		I'd tell. My pet already commented in this thread mentioning how it'd make him value the time we had together more, and I second that. No matter how much time that was, I'm sure it wouldn't feel like enough, but at least it'd be something. And if I were in that spot, I wouldn't want to be blindsided. I submit that it's impossible to really be prepared for something like that, but I'd want to be able to try.

(in reply to Termyn8or)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Would you tell them? - 1/29/2008 7:31:28 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		My um's no. Because they are still very young, and I think 'living it' every day because they have the knowledge, would be hurtful to them.
My HoneyMaster? Of course. He's a medical professional who is very well versed with almost any disease you can think of. *lol* Plus, He would not want me to hide that from Him.
The family member who raised me is 92 years old, so, unless I thought I would die suddenly, I would not want to hurt her in that way.
The rest of my family? Probably. I'm really not sure.

(in reply to Emperor1956)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Would you tell them? - 1/29/2008 10:03:21 AM   
meticulousgirl


Posts: 969
Joined: 2/20/2007
Status: offline 		i would tell

~meticulous~

(in reply to Termyn8or)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Would you tell them? - 1/29/2008 3:52:05 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Emperor1956

I would definitely tell them.  I know this because of two experiences that have shaped my views on death.  At one time I would have said, much as the OP did at first in this thread, "I'll be gone, what do I care?"   But I know that is wrong, and selfish.  In fact not telling your loved ones may be the pentultimate act of selfishness (the ultimate act is suicide, of course).  You tell these people not because of how YOU feel, but because of how they will feel if you leave them suddenly, without warning.  This is one time when it isn't all about Me...it is about those I love.
 



I don't know what my motives are for not telling them other than it's would be not looking for pity. It might be my "suck it up attitude with a heavy dose of never complain never explain.  You have given me food for thought.

BadOne

< Message edited by SailingBum -- 1/29/2008 3:53:57 PM >

(in reply to Emperor1956)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Would you tell them? - 1/29/2008 4:13:06 PM   
SeeksOnlyOne


Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		having been there done that (obviously as the one left behind), id tell them.  having the opportunity to say all that needs saying, to cry and laugh about life, to admit the loss youre going to feel, and even to have the person dying be allowed to say how much they feel they are leaving behind........its priceless.....it will even make you have bittersweet tears cloud your vision as you type on a message board years later and smile sweetly at the same time. 

imho, its never too soon to start mourning the inevitable.....all part of the journey, and having ends tied up nicely makes the after death time much easier to deal with in so many ways.

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(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Would you tell them? - 1/29/2008 4:16:52 PM   
beltainefaerie


Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline 		I would definitely tell my loved ones and family.

(in reply to Termyn8or)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Would you tell them? - 1/29/2008 6:00:37 PM   
sblady


Posts: 433
Joined: 9/28/2007
Status: offline 		In response to the OP's question....my answer had always been no.  I've had a couple of serious life-threatening illnesses in the past and hated the way my family would worry, etc.  

My answer has recently changed to yes.....

Not asking for sympathy or hijacking the thread, however, my 33 year old brother passed away suddenly last week.  He was not ill and in good health and his passing has devastated our family.  I was really close to my brother and if I could have done anything for him to make his last days on here better, I would have. 

I would want my family to have time to prepare themselves as much as possible....although it won't make dealing with death any easier, at least they will have the opportunity to make amends, spend time with or just be there to keep you company.

(in reply to beltainefaerie)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Would you tell them? - 1/29/2008 6:13:55 PM   
pettingdragons


Posts: 421
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline 		Yes...why not? If they leave they never loved you and if they stayed then you could plan the time you had left to spend it together...

Pamela

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pettingdragons
"may the moon bless you with her light.......so you dont pee on your feet"

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Would you tell them? - 1/29/2008 7:08:49 PM   
Muttling


Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		This may have already been asked, but did he go see the doctor about how his heart was feeling?   


I don't think I would over a feeling of something coming.   If I had a medical diagnosis, I would share it with a mature UM.   My UM is very young and I would seek out the input of a therapist to know exactly how to discuss it with him.   It's a very difficult issue no matter how you approach it.

(in reply to pettingdragons)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Would you tell them? - 1/29/2008 9:02:28 PM   
Emperor1956


Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:


quote:

ORIGINAL: Emperor1956

I would definitely tell them.  I know this because of two experiences that have shaped my views on death.  At one time I would have said, much as the OP did at first in this thread, "I'll be gone, what do I care?"   But I know that is wrong, and selfish.  In fact not telling your loved ones may be the pentultimate act of selfishness (the ultimate act is suicide, of course).  You tell these people not because of how YOU feel, but because of how they will feel if you leave them suddenly, without warning.  This is one time when it isn't all about Me...it is about those I love.
 




I don't know what my motives are for not telling them other than it's would be not looking for pity. It might be my "suck it up attitude with a heavy dose of never complain never explain.  You have given me food for thought.

BadOne


BadOne/SailingBum,  As I said, I too have a heavy dose of "suck it up/never complain, never explain" (its Dom disease!) and so I get it. But my own reaction to my brother's death, and even moreso, watching my friend grope for some explanation, some last contact, something from her husband made me do a 180 degree turn.  You think you are protecting those you love, and those you own.  But in protecting them you are also taking away something they will deeply miss.

Good luck on this journey, and I hope for all of us, this remains nothing but a hypothetical for a long long time.

E.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Would you tell them? - 1/29/2008 9:23:44 PM   
daddyncherry


Posts: 656
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline 		i haven't read all the replies yet but...

First...OUCH! What a way to put it, "What do i care, i'll be dead?!" OOSH....that is fkin harsh IMO....

Which brings me to my second point....feelings may differ from person to person...but IMO it is really fkin selfish to not tell your loved ones. The one who dies, they go on, to whatver/where ever...the ones who are left behind have the most difficult time with closure. To know, and not tell someone, not give them the chance to be there with you, share with you, find closure with you is really shitty. (i just lost two VERY VERY close family members over this past year, and i knew both were going and they/i wouldn't have had it any other way.) Hell we even had a celebration of life for my Aunt before she totally took a turn for the worse and that gave her the ability and permission she needed to move on, it also let her see just how much she was loved in life.)

i am also with sunshinemiss....i learned alot being at Hospice House with my aunt....my mom has gained alot of insight going to groups there as well....and that book, "Tuesdays With Morrie"....Just great!

Not allowing your loved ones to be there with you and for you, to celebrate your life, to mourn your coming passing....it is doing a serious disadvantage to them, with holding from them the ability to be there for you.

i'm gonna stop now, cause this is waaay too close to me this year and it just pisses me off to hear... but thats my own baggage.

< Message edited by daddyncherry -- 1/29/2008 9:27:30 PM >

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Hugs,
cherry

Walking through life, and fear with a smile on my face.
Walking directly through the eye of the hurricane...and through to the other side..without fear....realizing everything will be okay. :)

being obedient 1day at a time

(in reply to Termyn8or)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Would you tell them? - 1/30/2008 8:55:59 AM   
MistressOfGa


Posts: 2929
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sblady

In response to the OP's question....my answer had always been no.  I've had a couple of serious life-threatening illnesses in the past and hated the way my family would worry, etc.  

My answer has recently changed to yes.....

Not asking for sympathy or hijacking the thread, however, my 33 year old brother passed away suddenly last week.  He was not ill and in good health and his passing has devastated our family.  I was really close to my brother and if I could have done anything for him to make his last days on here better, I would have. 

I would want my family to have time to prepare themselves as much as possible....although it won't make dealing with death any easier, at least they will have the opportunity to make amends, spend time with or just be there to keep you company.


sblady,
I wanted to say how sorry I am that you lost your brother and at such a young age too. May you have peace during this time.

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(in reply to sblady)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Would you tell them? - 1/30/2008 11:37:11 AM   
MasterMataeo


Posts: 215
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline 		i'd tell them,, and then also let them know that i'm not going to change anything ,, and going to live every day tot he fullest like i do now,, but maybe a bit more daring,, shoot what is going to happen ,, it going to kill me,, ha i'm already Dead,, lol,,

there is an old Irish saying that  was told to my by my Great Grand Father  one of the original Hook and Ladder Firemen  whm faught the Great Chicago Fire,,

Sing as if No One was Listening ,
Dance as if NO One is Watching,
And Live EVERY DAY like it' your Last,

the authour is unkown,,

take this saying with you and may it give you warmth and courage,,
kinda like another  saying that is on the wall in  my parents house,,

"Life is an adventure  ,, for those with the courage to explore it"

and this is where i gather up  my answer from.




_____________________________

remember the Four corners: Communication, Honesty, Respect , and Trust

Try anything Once, Twice if you like it, Three times to make sure, four makes it a habit, and five makes it's a fetish.


(in reply to Termyn8or)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Would you tell them? - 1/30/2008 3:04:56 PM   
sblady


Posts: 433
Joined: 9/28/2007
Status: offline 		MistressOfGa

Thank you so much for your condolences....

(in reply to MasterMataeo)
Profile   Post #: 56
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