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RE: dom a little down - 1/29/2008 10:49:40 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
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Im like Celeste. It fucks with my headspace when the guys are banging their tin cups on the cell bars.

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RE: dom a little down - 1/29/2008 2:59:33 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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Seems to me that if he doesn't want you to fight, then you don't fight. If you don't want to obey when you're not getting your way then you are deliberately working to make your partner feel unfulfilled. If you need this kind of play, then perhaps the two of you can set up specfic situations/scenes where it's allowed.

Master Fire

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RE: dom a little down - 1/29/2008 4:07:19 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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I like what a lot of people have said here (Rover, MasterFireMaam) and will also say you guys have gone through a lot of fluctuations- maybe he's just tired of trying to get somewhere and wants things to just WORK for awhile.

Try being boring for awhile, try relaxing and just being together, and THEN, once things are settled, secure and you've really worked out how you feel about all this, ramp back up the resistance.

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RE: dom a little down - 1/29/2008 4:25:28 PM

Dari

Posts: 192
Joined: 10/8/2007
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To the OP:

A couple thoughts on what you say there. Some people like fighting, others don't. You don't really talk about the context in which you fight, though your "crying and fighting" makes me think this is during a scene (or more physical domination).

If your fighting and crying and general rambunctiousness is limited to scening, then you need to talk to him. It may be that he's uncomfortable with it, because he loves you and that's "not the sort of thing men do to their wives." It's up to you to explain to him - and to convince him until he really believes it - that you will love him in the morning, that you don't think of it as something that makes him a bad person, or an abuser. Does he have problems or issues from his past women, or from childhood? You may need to go slower and be more understanding and patient as he learns and slowly explores and expands his comfort zone. Are you doing any kind of aftercare? After a rough scene, some Doms require aftercare from their subs as much or more than their subs require it from their Doms. They want to know that you still love them, that you had fun with the scene even though you were crying and whimpering and begging for mercy.

Or he may never enjoy that, and you'll have to decide if you can accept that or not, and act accordingly.

But if your fighting and crying isn't just limited to scening or the bedroom, and he doesn't like it - then you need to maybe reconsider why you're submitting to him. Maybe he's looking for time to relax with you kneeling against his leg, with him stroking your hair. Maybe he's looking for a gentler way to express his dominance.

And then you say he doesn't know what he wants. Does he not know, or do you just not know? And if he doesn't know - is it that he doesn't know what he wants, or that he doesn't know how to tell you what he wants, or that he doesn't know what he wants you to be or how he wants you to act?

These are all questions you don't need to answer to me, but the two of you should sit down and discuss things, really. You've really told us not much at all, and he's the only one that can answer a lot of it anyway.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

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RE: dom a little down - 1/29/2008 7:19:44 PM

CuriousLord

Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
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You know, the other day, I was in a school-owned clinic. I saw sign-borne ads in a campaign against various things, such as drinking, relationship abuse, stalking, and sexual assault. With the latter three, they had lists of various things considered to be relationship abuse, stalking, or sexual assault.

When reading them, it struck me that in my relationship there are some things that would qualify as "relationship abuse" according to the sign. However, I'm not a sadist. In a relationship which embraces both M/s and sadomasochism, that sign imply that its truly bad abuse.

My point? This sort of lifestyle, even when consentual and healthy, is beaten into us as being wrong. It's even written on the walls- literally. Now while whoever made such messages might take pause in considering a consentual BDSM relationship, the general message is still against it.

For a Dominant or sadist, this is particularly unnerving as they would be seen as the offender in such a relationship; their partner would be the victim. This can certainly give one pause.

Part of it's the simple fear of being caught and tried, both socially and judicially. Part of it's the constant reinforcement against one's own behaviors and inclinations, constraining what otherwise may've been freedom to carry them out. Even though I've not once hit my slave, she is a TPE slave.. and I regularly (if not constantly) question myself for maintaining such a relationship.

(in reply to angelicbst)

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Post #: 25