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THE PATH OF POWER AND THE EGO - 1/30/2008 4:18:49 PM   
MasterGallad


Posts: 10
Joined: 1/24/2008
Status: offline 		THE PATH OF POWER AND THE EGO
By Master Gallad

Introduction

What role does ego play in our search to becoming a better Dominate / Master or submissive / slave.  Some people are not really sure what role the ego plays while others would tell you that it has a great deal to do with our spiritual development and who we are.  In order to understand the ego we must first understand the basic definition of ego.  Then we need to see how this fits it to the D/s or M/s lifestyles and how is it used to shape behavior in a power exchange.
Ego identity: Is the sense of oneself as a distinct continuous entity.

My Thoughts on Ego

I believe that every person is initially born with a clean slate, and that the ego begins to develop when we began to interact with the world. Our parents or guardians began shape and mold our ego early on by telling us that we are a good boy or good girl this gets our attention and is repeated over and over until we believe it to be true. Schools, religion and society further continue this ego development by introducing concepts of right and wrong. When we do something right we are rewarded and when we do something wrong we are punished. This is embodied in the different beliefs, cultures, laws, and governments that we hold to be true or not. 

Everything that we know has shaped us to what we are today.  In essence our ego was already there before we began so that we would know how to function in the world in which we live.  So we would know how to act and relate to others around us to create a harmonious society and community.  It is the drive for positive attention and for reward, and the fear of negative attention and punishment that keeps us on the straight and narrow path that was laid before us by our environment.

The ego will take credit for everything positive that we achieve. Each good act or decision is claimed by the ego and it feels valuable that it has "performed well."  We are then rewarded by external sources or by ourselves for this decision or action.  Attention for being good is then reinforced by peers.  Bad or traumatic experiences are categorized by the ego as being the fault of something or someone else. It is always someone else who gave us bad advice or the apparent intention of some external force making our life miserable. The ego will never claim these faults and will also punish us 1000 times for making a single mistake.

The ego is a self correcting; by the time we reach adulthood the ingrained training which are the truths of our parents, schools, church, cultures, and governments have become what we believe for the most part (our inner truths).  Our thinking, speech and actions are a reflection of the ego, and a way for the ego to defend its self when it feel threatened or feels fear of the unknown. Not only do we judge others but we also began to judge ourselves, rewarding and punishing ourselves for either good and bad deeds or actions.  Even when we know that certain actions and behaviors are not good for us we still continue down the same path because it is familiar and the ego would rather sacrifice life and its self than to travel down a new path that may threaten its existence or the very premise of who we think we are.

People have written volumes of information on the ego and its manipulation, and while we cannot cover it all in this short article we can give a cursory overview of the difference between the handling of ego in BDSM.  Instead of general classifications or casting archetypes we will focus on goals of the different types of ego handling and manipulation. The main objective is to either temporary or permanently change behaviors or how the individuals view themselves from their own perspective.

Temporary Ego Suppression

Submission to someone or something else is a temporary or limited suppression of the ego. This submission is given freely and for the period of time that has been determined between both the Dominate and the submissive.  Negotiations normally take place prior to any play or service being provided and offered.  The negotiations are not only about physical limitation but also about how much of their ego they are willing to suppress when they are playing or servicing. The benefit to the submissive is that they get to do or experience things that they would have rejected if they did not suppress their ego for this period of time.

The Dominate gets a benefit out of this as well since he or she is the director of the experience for the submissive. It is quite an ego boost for the Dominate to have so much control and power over a submissive that suppresses their ego for a period of time.  During the scene or service, it is the Dominates responsibility to care for parts of the ego that were not discussed or part of the initial agreement. “With great power also comes great responsibility”. Communications is critical in helping people expand their horizons and to explore new areas of BDSM.  Often I find it helpful to have discussions a few days after play or service that revolves around the experience and what went well, what could have been better and their overall comfort level with what they experienced.  This helps me as a Dominate to make adjustments, and understand them and their ego on more of an intimate level.

Tips for Managing Temporary Ego Suppression


  • Negotiate ahead of time the mental constraints as well as the physical constraints to the planned play or service.

  • Communicate often and watch for signs that tell you where they are at both physically and mentally.

  • Spend time getting to know the submissive

  • Fantasy’s

  • Dreams

  • Hopes

  • Fears

  • Learn about the ego and why it drives everything we do, think or say. (Study)

  • Remember that this is a temporary offering and that when they leave and go home they still have to function as themselves in the real world with real people and friends they have known for years.


Rebuilding the Ego and Finding the Inner Self

Surrendering to someone all that you are is something that an individual has to have a calling for.  The seeds of this have to be planted deep in their heart somewhere in order for a person to truly undo their ego and become something new.  The term used to describe this type of person in our community is slave.  The slave candidate will normally apply to a Master or Dominate that they feel is capable of helping them to become who they truly are.  This is a journey not to be taken lightly since it is filled with pain and tribulations that will challenge the ego its self.  During the slave training process little by little the ego is stripped away and slowly our false notions die, and they are reborn to their true self.

Rebuilding the ego is a very difficult task both for the potential slave and for the Master or Dominate.  The challenges you will face as a submissive, slave, master, or dominate will truly test your strength and patients beyond what you could normally endure. Since each person is an individual so to must be their training be individualized to help them become who they truly are.  I am going to inject a thought here that may or may not have its place, but for me I feel it is significant and helps me to shape others to what they truly are.  You should love the person as a whole individual with all the baggage that they have no matter what.  This is not a romantic type of love that people most commonly refer to but a love of the human that stands before you.

Not everyone that thinks they want to be a slave will be able to face the commitments and challenges that the ego will undergo.  They will return to their own lives with tears in their eyes for what they have let go.  To truly let go of the ego and self imposed restrictions and limitations is very freeing but sometimes it comes at too great a cost to the individual. Trust is critical in this development and illuminates the path letting us know that no matter what, we are doing this for the higher good of our inner being or true self.  There are several techniques to help us guide individuals and we cannot cover them here, however I will leave you with a short formula to help bring inner peace back to their center.

Remember that each slave is special, and they are a reflection of their true self, filled with love and wonder.  If you are a Dominate looking to explore this I implore you to understand you’re self and humanity at its very core.  This must be a selfless commitment from both parties to embark on in order to be successful.   But the rewards outweigh the challenges.

Tips on Rebuilding the Ego


  • Spend time studying the M/s lifestyle

  • Know the Ego

  • Find your spirituality

  • Learn to love unconditionally

  • Understand change and the fear that it creates

  • Develop trust with candidates on all levels

  • Study, Study, Study.

  • Learn to meditate


Short formula for brining inner peace.


  1. Live in the here and now, this moment of time the present.  What is past is past and we can do nothing to change it.  What is to come has not happened yet and we have little or no control over something that has not happened yet. 

  2. Question your thoughts and feelings about this moment and identify the source. If you are looking outside yourself then your ego is defending its self and you need to ask why.  Look inside yourself and take responsibility for your own feelings and thoughts and release them to the universe. The only thing you can truly control in life is yourself.

  3. Forgiveness of others and their errors, for whatever we forgive in them we also forgive in ourselves.  Freeing us from the guilt of the ego that we define ourselves by.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: THE PATH OF POWER AND THE EGO - 1/30/2008 4:37:27 PM   
ThundersCry


Posts: 892
Status: offline 		Again....a great read...much needed, much appreciated.
 
Damnnnnnnnnn <g>
 
Thanks for sharing and for your time, you take to post here, Master Gallad.

(in reply to MasterGallad)
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RE: THE PATH OF POWER AND THE EGO - 1/30/2008 5:51:15 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterGallad

Surrendering to someone all that you are is something that an individual has to have a calling for.  The seeds of this have to be planted deep in their heart somewhere in order for a person to truly undo their ego and become something new.  The term used to describe this type of person in our community is slave.  The slave candidate will normally apply to a Master or Dominate that they feel is capable of helping them to become who they truly are.  This is a journey not to be taken lightly since it is filled with pain and tribulations that will challenge the ego its self.  During the slave training process little by little the ego is stripped away and slowly our false notions die, and they are reborn to their true self.

Rebuilding the ego is a very difficult task both for the potential slave and for the Master or Dominate.  The challenges you will face as a submissive, slave, master, or dominate will truly test your strength and patients beyond what you could normally endure. Since each person is an individual so to must be their training be individualized to help them become who they truly are.  I am going to inject a thought here that may or may not have its place, but for me I feel it is significant and helps me to shape others to what they truly are.  You should love the person as a whole individual with all the baggage that they have no matter what.  This is not a romantic type of love that people most commonly refer to but a love of the human that stands before you.



Once again, thank you for a very interesting and insightful read.

I was wondering....by "rebuilding the ego", do you mean the process of helping a someone form a new identity as a "slave"?

A lot of what you talk about here is very similar to what I was taught by a Leather dominant, the main difference being he explained it to me in much simpler and less psychological terms. It seems to me what you are talking about is the process of undoing old behaviors and shifting the focus from themselves onto you, thus developing a new "slave" identity.

I'm curious if I am interrupting this right, because the psychological terms tend to communicate something that is far more complex and complicated than it is in practical application.

This particular school of thought tends to surface every once and awhile on Internet message boards where Internet "theorticians" (who coincedentally tend to lack any real time experience or exposure to people with that experience) take the theory to whole new levels of lunacy, ranging from extreme "The Bourne Identity" psychological behavior modification to physically torturing a slave until they are "reborn" as the Goddess of the Slaves.



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(in reply to MasterGallad)
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RE: THE PATH OF POWER AND THE EGO - 1/30/2008 5:52:40 PM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		Is there a summary, please?
 
And what is the question, please?

< Message edited by Rule -- 1/30/2008 5:53:33 PM >

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RE: THE PATH OF POWER AND THE EGO - 1/31/2008 9:36:55 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		I am taking it that the first line was the question. I must have missed the answer somewhere. Apperantly you do not know how to ask a question and just answer it. I am on lunch and don't have the time to read all of this. I doubt that I will take the time. I don't like book length questions.

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RE: THE PATH OF POWER AND THE EGO - 1/31/2008 12:49:13 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I have to assume you don't have ums. The assumptions that we are blank slates is laughable. Otherwise one couple who are stable could not possibly turn out three or four offspring, each entirely distinct and unlike each other. We have personality built in.

As far as the rest, obviously if your initial premise is wrong, then your conclusions are also.

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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: THE PATH OF POWER AND THE EGO - 1/31/2008 3:22:09 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		FR to op.

Move beyond the need for validation and most of what you said becomes a non issue.

Power is more about what you do NOT need, than you do.

< Message edited by Leatherist -- 1/31/2008 3:23:05 PM >

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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RE: THE PATH OF POWER AND THE EGO - 1/31/2008 9:09:29 PM   
daddyncherry


Posts: 656
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

FR to op.

Move beyond the need for validation and most of what you said becomes a non issue.

Power is more about what you do NOT need, than you do.


Not trying to hijack this thread, but could you please explain what you mean? It sounds interesting but kinda broad stroked...what do you mean about what you do NOT need than what you do?

Thanks.


_____________________________

Hugs,
cherry

Walking through life, and fear with a smile on my face.
Walking directly through the eye of the hurricane...and through to the other side..without fear....realizing everything will be okay. :)

being obedient 1day at a time

(in reply to Leatherist)
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RE: THE PATH OF POWER AND THE EGO - 1/31/2008 9:19:09 PM   
daddyncherry


Posts: 656
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I have to assume you don't have ums. The assumptions that we are blank slates is laughable. Otherwise one couple who are stable could not possibly turn out three or four offspring, each entirely distinct and unlike each other. We have personality built in.

As far as the rest, obviously if your initial premise is wrong, then your conclusions are also.


i might be off here, cause gawd knows i haven't studied this to any major length....and i  do believe that we are born with a predisposition to being a certain way....some thngs just inherant....which, siimilar to your expample, If two children are born and raised identically it doesn't mean that they will be exactly the same.So i agree with you....

Why i am replying to you is....i think that our predisposition to certain traits is vastly different to what is meant by ego, especially in this type of situation.....

here is a definition i found that describes the ego in psychology...(not that you don't know but it seems that you are intertwining personality with ego)

Ego: (psychoanalysis )part of mind containing consciousness: in Freudian psychology, one of three main divisions of the mind, containing consciousness and memory and involved with control, planning, and conforming to reality.

So maybe essentially, in life, we are born without a developed ego, or as blank slates....our consciousness, life experience and hence, memories build the ego.

i might be wrong, but i thought it was worth mentioning.

edited to add: there is also this article on the ego that i read recently in trying to find ways to diminish my ego that kind of began in a similar fashion...


< Message edited by daddyncherry -- 1/31/2008 9:23:17 PM >

_____________________________

Hugs,
cherry

Walking through life, and fear with a smile on my face.
Walking directly through the eye of the hurricane...and through to the other side..without fear....realizing everything will be okay. :)

being obedient 1day at a time

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: THE PATH OF POWER AND THE EGO - 1/31/2008 11:44:27 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Dude,

You should have quit while you were ahead, this isn't going to cut it even as a first draft.  First off, dominate is a verb...

The rest is just laughable, it reads like some stuff that fell out of CastleRealm.  Talking about YOU and YOUR process will get you lots of cudos.  You want to talk about universal truths and speak as "we" you have to know your stuff and you don't.

Even worse, your statements aren't even consistent, here is just one example...



quote:

The main objective is to either temporary or permanently change behaviors or how the individuals view themselves from their own perspective. 

Since each person is an individual so to must be their training be individualized to help them become who they truly are.

You should love the person as a whole individual with all the baggage that they have no matter what. 


So "we" know who "they" truly are but they are an individual and we should love them and their baggage but change them? 

Oh, and what exactly is it that you keep recommending people study?  It sure as hell isn't anything written by psychologists or therapists, even kink friendly ones, because that would educate someone enough to see the vast holes and inconsistencies in what you wrote.

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RE: THE PATH OF POWER AND THE EGO - 1/31/2008 11:48:35 PM   
Alumbrado


Posts: 5560
Status: offline 		It reads like King Bob's psychobabble without spellcheck.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: THE PATH OF POWER AND THE EGO - 2/1/2008 12:01:14 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Validation is simply letting yourself or others set parameters that you seek to work within. For instance,were I to allow a "submissive" to set the boundaries I had to work within on a relationship-I would be agreeing to settling for a loss of personal autonomy in doing so-I become submissive to her will.

But I may decide I have no "need" for that sort of relationship-and her will becomes moot to me. By letting go of "need" I gain more personal power.

_____________________________

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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RE: THE PATH OF POWER AND THE EGO - 2/1/2008 12:11:57 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		And on the castle realm comments.....it depends on the sort of authority one desires over another individual. How much crap and baggage is dealt with is really up the the party having to deal with how it is expressed. No one is under any overt constraint to accept bad habits and negativity in a relationship. Most behavior modification is simply about a simple system of positive and negative consequences for adhering to agrements and constraints upon behavior.

Do y-x will happen-no excuses.

Everything else caste realmy is simply a romantic whitewash to try and soften that.

A slave fits into the owners visualizations-not the other way round.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

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RE: THE PATH OF POWER AND THE EGO - 2/1/2008 4:33:33 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		It's just another form of the New Age Leather M/S spiritual stuff.

A much more complex version of the "Get to know your slave and provide them with experiences that show them whether or not they are compatible and capable of being your slave" that my mentor talked about.

I think there is a few applicable points with it if you read between the lines. The nature verse nurture stuff might be debatable but I think everyone is just glass is half empty on this one.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: THE PATH OF POWER AND THE EGO - 2/1/2008 4:40:25 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Come on Michael. Verbs, nouns, pronouns ect. Your going to make my head explode.

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RE: THE PATH OF POWER AND THE EGO - 2/1/2008 6:06:29 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Rabbit,

You must be having an off day, this isn't new age, this is infantile pablum.

Sentence after sentence is nonsense, contradictory, or red.  We need to understand we are confused and allow our ego to blow smoke up our ass so we can see how important I am.

I mean come ON
quote:

Everything that we know has shaped us to what we are today.  In essence our ego was already there before we began so that we would know how to function in the world in which we live.  So we would know how to act and relate to others around us to create a harmonious society and community.  It is the drive for positive attention and for reward, and the fear of negative attention and punishment that keeps us on the straight and narrow path that was laid before us by our environment.


You can't read half a sentence without screaming this is WRONG on so many levels.  People haven't believed Plato about being born with knowledge for a long time!  How many "harmonious communities" do YOU know of?  Punishment is actually the least effective method for developing behavior, the genetic component of behavior is missing, and besides, much of what we internalize about social interaction is from observation, not reward and punishment.

My glass is overflowing but the only thing in the op's glass are water stains, it sure as heck isn't half full.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
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RE: THE PATH OF POWER AND THE EGO - 2/1/2008 6:43:46 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		I find writing strongest when it is connected to practical life experience -- especially when the writer is offering advice to others.    You may have extensive life experience, Master Gallad -- and I'm not talking about lotsa BDSM scenes here -- but you have not connected it to your words.  That's why you're getting pushback.  What was the process you went through to come to these conclusions?  Don't forget to be real.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: THE PATH OF POWER AND THE EGO - 2/1/2008 7:43:40 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		there are some good thoughts,  but the way that you are presenting it to the board, strikes me as odd.
what is your true intention of posting this, IN ALL CAPS   as  the be all and end all of discussion on ego, submission, spirituality, unconditional love and forgivness?
again some good topicsfor debate, its just that i dont see a forum for debate i just see prostlatizing.

CM is a community of sorts, many  of  us have been posting here for years, we enjoy debate and discussion, and we welcome new folks,  but it does feel a little odd like some one coming to your house that you dont know and having them nail up a proclomation on your front door.




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RE: THE PATH OF POWER AND THE EGO - 2/1/2008 8:29:20 AM   
MasterGallad


Posts: 10
Joined: 1/24/2008
Status: offline 		Wow lots of great comments, I appreciate the criticism and will try to refine my thoughts more before posting.  These are just my thoughts on the subject and although they may not fit for everyone it’s just a launch point for open challenging discussion.  It seems like everyone has their own truths and beliefs to this subject of ego. I look forward to seeing further constructive information.
~G

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: THE PATH OF POWER AND THE EGO - 2/1/2008 8:34:46 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I love RedMagic and CrouchingTigresses posts!  Much more constructive than I managed to be.

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 2/1/2008 8:36:26 AM >

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 20
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