Sever or withdraw (Full Version)

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exquisitefeline1 -> Sever or withdraw (2/3/2008 4:18:53 AM)

i am unowned and enslaved. Enslaved by my own weakness, and enslaved by love and sensuality, enslaved by my emotions to a man who will not own me. Yet, i am His slave. However i am in chains and pain, i self harm the body i am ashamed of, yet my body would be fine without all the scars, i crucify myself to remove the pain and stop reactions towards him and others, a momentary distraction that doesn't even work. i open my arms, heart and all for moments of attention, to long terms plans that are as long as today, i open my heart and communication of my needs and feelings to have his hand over my mouth. He can't love and can't express it with words. i have no idea where i stand from one moment to the next, therefore insecurities, possession, and jealousy that should not rise are there, my worst behavior is indulged.
i yearn.
i feel i deserve more from a relationship.

The advice i would give another is ask for your door key back and move along, i always have good advice that i can't live by. Do i sever or slowly withdraw, slowly opening doors, interests and connections to replace the space he occupies?



LadyHathor -> RE: Sever or withdraw (2/3/2008 4:30:15 AM)

I believe you already know the answer to that one before you asked the question---self preservation is always preferable to self destruction.



RedMagic1 -> RE: Sever or withdraw (2/3/2008 4:32:12 AM)

The best advice in the world is useless if you won't follow it.  If you are unable to follow through on plans, then the most important thing to fix is the ability to follow through.  Self-abuse, like cutting, is addictive behavior, and the urges are usually lifelong.  You need a lot more support than you are going to get from a message board.  Find a therapist and develop some Platonic friends.



christine1 -> RE: Sever or withdraw (2/3/2008 4:56:13 AM)

i agree with redmagic on this. it's never easy to leave a relationship or get help for an addictive behavior.  maybe it would help if you ask yourself how much precious time in your life you are willing to waste by not investing in something healthier for yourself.  time and life are precious non renewable commodities, the time you spend being miserable with him could be spent making YOU happier and more balanced.  just my 2 cents.



windchymes -> RE: Sever or withdraw (2/3/2008 6:31:05 AM)

I've always found that severing the ties quickly and beginning the journey of moving on gets you to the better place a lot quicker than dragging it out by withdrawing slowly.

And, I don't mean to sound cold and callous, but thinking of yourself and your situation and feelings in such melodramatic terms is only detrimental to your mental health.  It would be really helpful to your case to find some positive moral support, think positive thoughts, "count your blessings" if you will, make a list of good reasons to leave the relationship and of good characteristics about yourself and read it every day.  Focus on work, a hobby, volunteer work, anything that will keep your mind away from thoughts like "I am enslaved to one who will not love me....I crucify myself every day...etc."

Every one of us here has experienced unrequited love sometime in our lives.  It hurts and it stinks, but you have to move on and grow from it.  As long as you think of yourself as "enslaved" to one who doesn't want you as his slave, then you'll never find the one who will.



liminalRapture -> RE: Sever or withdraw (2/3/2008 7:30:45 AM)

Well, intellectually I think the people above are right--espcially redmagic.

But, emotionally, I think it is hard to leave relationships like this.  I wish I could give you a hug.  Do you deserve more?  Absolutley.  And you know it on an intellectual level, but on a visceral level, I'm guessing you aren't there yet.  Speaking as a broad stereotype, women (all kinds, not just kinky) tend to stay in relationships too long.  In my opinion, if you aren't ready to leave--watch the relationship, without judgement.  Look at how you treat him, how he treats you, how you two interact and how it leaves you feeling.  For me, leaving my only relationship that I met here, it was super hard, and when I felt like I 'ought' to leave (because many things were wrong)--I had to just accept that I was staying that day.  Slowly, over time, it became clear to leave, but I needed to know it in my belly as well as my head.

Good luck!



TracyTaken -> RE: Sever or withdraw (2/3/2008 8:05:31 AM)

quote:

my worst behavior is indulged


That is not something a Dom usually shoots for, I wouldn't think.  It sounds to me like your unhappiness has little to do with him.  I second the advice that a good therapist might be a God-send..



sexyred1 -> RE: Sever or withdraw (2/3/2008 8:10:26 AM)

My recommendation? Sever ties. Why? Staying just prolongs the agony and worse than that, if you stay, YOU are the one being hurt and he still gets the honor of your presence. By staying, you still give him the whole cake while you accept the crumbs.

I know what I am speaking of, it took me 10 years to leave someone physically. Have I left him emotionally? Not entirely, but that is starting to go away, day by day by day...when I started to take ownership for staying in a situation where I was not getting what I needed and accepting only what I wanted sometimes, then I was able to emotionally let go.

Please remember that there is only one you and you have to protect yourself, sometimes, most of all, from yourself.



julietsierra -> RE: Sever or withdraw (2/3/2008 12:27:21 PM)

I'm not trying to hijack, but my GOD! What a title for this thread! I know better, but seriously, my first thought was Lorena Bobbit.

When I was asked by my 23 year old son how to break up with his g/f, I told him "go over there. See her face to face. Tell her what went wrong. Tell her why it's not continuing and that (be specific) you're breaking up with her, and walk away. Do NOT stay for the tears - and there will be tears."

He did just that. Said there were tears and that it was horrible walking away, but that once he was on the other side of the door, life was a lot brighter.

So...guess I go for sever. No games, no illusions that things can be fixed, deal with the hurt and move on.

And then... to the OP...get some counselling!!!


juliet



CalifChick -> RE: Sever or withdraw (2/3/2008 2:58:53 PM)

Well juliet, I'm glad I was not the only one who thought the bobbitt way. LOL.

There was someone in the past in my life that, frankly, I was kidding myself about.  I was refusing to admit to myself that any hope we had was gone.  He was making plans for our future when I knew there was no future.  The sense of guilt built up until it was overwhelming and I finally had to do something about it.  An insightful friend said, "stop being so selfish, you are keeping him from finding someone that truly wants to be with him."

So OP, that is what I say to you.  He is selfishly keeping you from finding someone that is compatible with you, that you can be happy with.  And likewise, you are selfishly keeping him from the same.  So yank that bandaid off fast and move on.

Cali



celticlord2112 -> RE: Sever or withdraw (2/3/2008 2:59:24 PM)

quote:

The advice i would give another is ask for your door key back and move along, i always have good advice that i can't live by. Do i sever or slowly withdraw, slowly opening doors, interests and connections to replace the space he occupies?


The death of a thousand cuts is a cruel and agonizing death. 

If the relationship pains you, if it cannot be made healthy and whole, then leave.  Leave quickly.  Leave completely.

I would further amplify RedMagic1's advice.  If you are this hurt by the relationship, regardless of the reason, seek counselling, and forge some solid platonic friend relationships.  Take the time to heal.



sweetwenchie -> RE: Sever or withdraw (2/3/2008 3:05:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: exquisitefeline1

i feel i deserve more from a relationship.

The advice i would give another is ask for your door key back and move along, i always have good advice that i can't live by. Do i sever or slowly withdraw, slowly opening doors, interests and connections to replace the space he occupies?


in saying that... i think you have answered your own question.  Staying and slowly severing the ties will only prolong your pain, just like ripping off a bandage, best to do it quickly and deal with the immediate pain.  From someone who used to be a cutter to deal with pain, it is only a distraction from the inner pain and turmoil.  When you deal with that, the urge to cut just does not hold the same prominence, and will gradually fade away entirely.  Take time to heal, leave the baggage on the tracks with the train wreck... where it belongs.

Speaking from my own experiences only of course.  Good luck to you...



exquisitefeline1 -> RE: Sever or withdraw (2/3/2008 4:04:25 PM)

Self punishment = bad and illness?
Punishment by another is ok?
Self harm is not pre meditated, often i don't even know i am doing it, and it only started since i started BDSM. Would i be less insane if i got him to do it? If i got him to brand me, scar me?

i do not think in melodramatic terms often, situations are not happening everyday, they are occasional.
i have many many platonic friends, male and female.


Thanks for your contributions, appreciated.

i am asking slaves, how do they leave their Masters? How do you leave someone you love, adore, and have been trained to obey, unless it has been commanded of you? To leave would be undermining? It is not like i can leave either, as my home has become his domain, i would have to ask him to leave... how does confrontation with slave and Master result?


Where do you find a therapist who deals with BDSM?
How can i get the deeper problems resolved when almost all practitioners would freak as i introduce myself as a masochist who has relationships based upon domination and submission, not that it is unlike the rest of the world, only conscious.



TracyTaken -> RE: Sever or withdraw (2/3/2008 4:35:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: exquisitefeline1

Self harm is not pre meditated, often i don't even know i am doing it, and it only started since i started BDSM.


Does that sound healthy to you?

quote:

Where do you find a therapist who deals with BDSM?


Try starting here:

http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_keyword&id=270



liminalRapture -> RE: Sever or withdraw (2/3/2008 7:50:04 PM)

KAP (Kink Aware Professionals) has a list of people as well.  But, if you live in a metropolitan area, I would just start calling therapists that your health insurance covers.  If you live in a rural or conservative area, you might want to ask a few questions, but I think many shrinks would be supportive.  I went to 4 different shrinks during my phase when I was trying to 'cure' myself of my bdsm interest, and not one of the 4 would go along with that theory.  I was not looking for Kink Aware folks, but they all pretty much were.

With any therapist, you want to go a couple of times before you commit.  There are a lot of kooks how are therapists.  Just because they are a LCSW or PhD doesn't mean they know what they are doing.  And just because they are Kink Aware doesn't mean they are good.  I think someone who takes your insurance, who is open-minded and clicks well with you is as good as you can hope for.



sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Sever or withdraw (2/3/2008 7:54:23 PM)

You already know the answer but need to hear others validations. Is this a healthy relationship for you? Are you happy? You are only hurting yourself, cut your losses and move on.



Rianne -> RE: Sever or withdraw (2/3/2008 8:46:47 PM)

As harsh as it seems, I think it's better to cut your losses than your arms.  Endings are painful.  The transition is extremely difficult, no matter  kink or vanilla.

Let your friends support you through it.



Evanesce -> RE: Sever or withdraw (2/3/2008 10:42:32 PM)

quote:

i feel i deserve more from a relationship.


No, you don't.  If you felt you deserved more, you'd be taking the necessary steps to GET more, rather than feeling sorry for yourself for "loving" someone who leaves you unfulfilled and unloved.
 
Get some professional help.  The problems you've written about are beyond the abilities of a group of, for the most part, lay persons to resolve.



Evanesce -> RE: Sever or withdraw (2/3/2008 10:46:37 PM)

quote:

i am asking slaves, how do they leave their Masters? How do you leave someone you love, adore, and have been trained to obey, unless it has been commanded of you? To leave would be undermining? It is not like i can leave either, as my home has become his domain, i would have to ask him to leave... how does confrontation with slave and Master result?


I had to remove a "master" from my life once.  He was lazy and worthless, and after 18 months, I was tired of looking at him, so I told him to leave.  He tried to blackmail me; I called the police; they had a little chat with him, and after I took him to court and had his wages garnished, he repaid me the $2700 he owed me for repairs I made to his van (which he totaled with no insurance).



exquisitefeline1 -> RE: Sever or withdraw (2/4/2008 3:45:16 AM)

Thank you.

i have been watching my rat, her cage is set up so as she can enter and leave as she wishes, yet she only comes out of the cage when the door is opened and she climbs on to my hand. Why should she not leave, and run free with the wild rats, if she is capable? She is caged, but not captive, she feels safe in her nest.
i have come to a resolution.
It is not my place to feel i deserve more than what i get, Master decides what i deserve.
It is not my job to think, Master thinks.
It is not my place to harm myself...

It is my place to serve, love and nurture, and with that understanding i am submissive, and not enslaved.







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