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ORIGINAL: magicone
the whole issue came up directly one day after i quitted my house

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ORIGINAL: burningdesires47

"Allowing" a monogamist partner to be non-exclusive when the other partner is not interested in monogamy is not in any way, shape, or form a compromise.

A compromise is where both people can agree and be happy with the final result, which usually involves both people giving up something they WANT in order to fulfill a NEED. If the OP cannot be happy in a non-monogamous relationship, then "letting" her be non-monogamous isn't him giving up anything, OR meeting her need to be monogamous.

Some people "compromise" on that issue by the monogamist partner saying, "You go do other people just don't let me find out about it, and I'll go bury my head in the sand and pretend I don't see what's going on." But that's not exactly ethical or healthy, by most standards.

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ORIGINAL: MmeGigs
Try seeing this from his perspective.  You have said that there is no compromise on this issue for you - he must move to your point of view.  If poly is part of who he is, like monogamy is part of who you are, you're really asking quite a lot of him but you don't seem to be acknowledging that.  While I don't think it was your intention to do so, you've issued an ultimatum.  If he can't make an absolute commitment to monogamy, his only choice is to leave.  It could be that he's not giving you a clear answer because he's still trying to figure it out, or doesn't like the answer he's come up with and is trying to find some other way. 

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and is not willing to give me a clear answer....
seems like i have to step out....

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ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

This is Darcy

My advice to you, magicone, is to put this whole thing on hold until you can decide between yourselves exactly what the parameters of your relationship are.

With the.dark and I, before we committed to out future plans, which involve me moving loacations, and jobs, we talked about what were the important things in our relationship, and what limits (I hesitate to call them hard limits for reasons I'll cover in a moment) we were going to agree on.

Monogamy is an important issue for both of us, and so we agreed that our relationship was to be, and is, a monogamous one. And this is where I believe that people, in particular men, and definitely your Dom, need to decide what is important to them, and how much they want their relationship to work.

As a man, do I want to sleep with other women? The honest answer is yes, of course I do, I'm a man! However, because I value my relationship with the.dark above any carnal desires (except between the two of us), then I am more than happy to be monogamous. There is also the issue of having to have things equal on both sides. So, if I am to sleep with other people, then it follows that I should have no problem with her doing the same, yes? Well, no. Because I don't like the idea of the.dark sleeping with another man (another woman? I could be swayed - I am, after all, just a man  - but, hang on, this implies that I would be there too, so we're into threesome territory - oh God, this sex thing is so complicated!). Now, where was I (*cold shower*)......

OK, basically your Dom needs to give you a straight answer - will he be monogamous or not? And you have to be honest with yourself about his answer - if he will not be monogamous, will this be a deal breaker (and bear in mind the UM here - they will be affected by the dynamic you agree to). Also bear in mind, as has been noted previously, can you trust his word if he agrees again to monogamy? The last thing you want to do is to move half way around the world only to find yourself in a relationship that isn't what it said on the tin.

So, my advice - put everything on hold. The fact that you are asking this question here indicates that you know the answer already, but hopefully hearing it from others here will justify your reluctance to relocated based on a broken agreement. You have to do the best thing for yourself, but more importantly your UM. Changing schools and cities is hard enough, never mind countries, so the last thing you want is to take them into a relationship and dynamic built on uncertain terms.

And no, you're not a nut, just a sensibly cautious woman and mother.

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ORIGINAL: magicone

i feel really betrayed cause the whole issue came up directly one day after i quitted my house - we have contracts here in germany too ,-))

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ORIGINAL: magicone

i feel really betrayed cause the whole issue came up directly one day after i quitted my house - we have contracts here in germany too ,-))

you're feeling betrayed because you've been betrayed.  Is there any chance you can UNquit your contract now?  If so, i'd start there.  Obviously, even if you decided to try to "work this out" (and i'm not sure why you would at this point), you will probably need to take some more time to build the trust that he has now destroyed. 

fact is - if i am in states.. with a kid.. and there is just one chance i am on his whim.

Excellent observation.  Repeat that to yourself over and over because it's a fact.  you will indeed be at his whim if you've no other friends in the States and you've no back up plan (perhaps you have one but it doesn't sound like it from what you've stated above).

it is a hard limit for me.. period. i do not have to find excuses why or why not...
a hard limit should be respected in my eyes.

i'm with you...hard limits are exactly that.  HARD limits.  And if he was aware of this limit to begin with...and AGREED to it...he is responsible for upholding his end of the bargain, "Dom" or not.

in considering that my life will gonna change and most important the life of my kid i do have responsibility it is just necessary to know a clear statement i can trust on...

i'm very relieved you see the most important part of this equation...you have a responsibility to one who is much more important than this Dom.  Putting your own butt on the line is one thing but putting your UM on the line is another.  That said, you are a valuable and important person YOURSELF and even without a UM, you deserve to be treated with respect...and no one deserves to be lied to or betrayed.

or may i am so nut???

Probably not.  But it sounds like you're being snowed by one.
 
On second thought....doesn't sound as though you'll be snowed, at all.  This may come as a big surprise to him.