RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating..

RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (Full Version)

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lusciouslips19 -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 6:55:51 PM)
When I was in my early 20's not only did my father cheat, but he used my apartment and my bed. he had asked me for a key, he said he had a union meeting and needed to kill time before another appointment. I gave it to him but later I found moisturizer. I didnt use face cream . I also found mood music in the tape player. I was weirded out but then a while later my dad comes to my work drunk and confides in me, saying how happy he was. He had been at the Sybaris. I confided in one of my college psych teachers. made me realize I didnt have to keep his secrets( used the old we've always been so close you're my girl routine). I told him he was drawing sides and I didnt want the rest of my family hating me. I told him he had to talk to mom or I would. To make a long story short, my parents are still together, they went to counseling and so did my father. It came out that he had been seeing prostitutes for years too. My mother was upset but more about the money blown on hookers. They have been married for 48 years and are very happy now. I dont know where they would have been if I didnt make him make it right.

girlygurl -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:00:26 PM)
First off, why was she going through her dads cell phone. It's a bit late for that question but really, sounds to me like she was snooping. Secondly, what's happening has nothing to do with her. Her actions resulted in finding out something I'm sure she wishes she hadn't.... too late, she's gonna have to suck it up and let the parents live their lives be it together or apart. I feel for your friend because I'm sure she's gonna worry about this, but like I said, it's not her bone to pick. girly

AquaticSub -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:00:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl quote: ORIGINAL: kittensmailbox It is her parent's life, not hers'... she has to let them live their lives... + What if she keeps her mouth shut and her mother ends up with an incurable std? What if she had never found and the mom got a STI anyway? Either way, it's not the daughter's fault because odds are if the mom was going to get the STI, she's already got it. It's the husband's fault. It's not her marriage. I'd say she needs to talk to her Father about what she found but she also needs to realize that she shouldn't have been poking around in his text messages.

SugarMyChurro -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:01:03 PM)
I'll agree that the father is playing at getting caught with that stuff on his cellphone where it can be easily discovered. The mother is passive-aggressively suggesting that the father sleep with the secretary. If the daughter does anything at all, she should speak to her father and raise her possible concerns about who else might discover this stuff on the cellphone. She could also raise the issue of sex and safety. Whatever she does, she's boned. No one is going to thank her for her snooping. At least I very much doubt it. People need to mind their own business.

kittensmailbox -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:01:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl quote: ORIGINAL: kittensmailbox It is her parent's life, not hers'... she has to let them live their lives... + What if she keeps her mouth shut and her mother ends up with an incurable std? it is still her parent's life.... What if the mother already knows? Hey i dont believe in cheating on a spouse, but i do not have the right to but~in if a person does... If she wants to tell, then more power to her, however what if by telling her mother causes even more problems??? There are a TON of what ifs....

CuriousLord -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:01:26 PM)
While I'm not the first in line to support her snopping, she normally plays with her father's cell phone and such. He knows it, it's nothing new, it's not like she's secretly going through his garbage.. she was just bored and fidgetting with something to pass the time. I'm not the sort to let friends cheat without letting my other friend know what's going on. That's not fair to the person who's being cheated on. In the same respect, it's not fair to her mother for her to just ignore this. That lady's in a relationship that's supposed to be monogomous, and to not tell her when something's up otherwise would be a betrayal on the daughter's part. I do not agree with defaulting to inaction at the sight of conflict of interests. I do, however, agree that the father should be talked to first. Thanks for the constructive input.

defiantbadgirl -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:05:20 PM)
lusciouslips, I'm glad to hear you got involved and glad your mother didn't end up with AIDS. To everyone saying she should keep her mouth shut, what if her mother ends up with AIDS? If her father is cheating, even if he uses protection, it's likely he's engaging in unprotected oral sex.

AquaticSub -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:05:40 PM)
It's not always unfair to not talk to the other person about it. It's a matter of judgement calls. In my situation, I did talk to my mother about it because the husband of the woman he was sleeping about calling the house threatening the family. If I found those text messages, I would talk to my father and not my mother. Sometimes people are happy with things the way they are and would rather turn a blind eye. Sometimes it's kinder to not tell the truth.

windchymes -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:10:44 PM)
So her father knows she plays with his cell phone, and yet he leaves the texts to be so easily found? No one knows what your friend's parents' marriage is really like except the parents themselves. We don't know that Mom is an innocent bystander. How do we know she doesn't already have an STD? I still say your friend needs to stay out of it. Quietly let Dad know she saw the text message and let the adults handle it from there.

AquaticSub -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:11:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl lusciouslips, I'm glad to hear you got involved and glad your mother didn't end up with AIDS. To everyone saying she should keep her mouth shut, what if her mother ends up with AIDS? If her father is cheating, even if he uses protection, it's likely he's engaging in unprotected oral sex. Even if she ends up with AIDs, it's not the daughter's fault. My sexual relationships are not your business and if you thought you knew Val was cheating on me, depending on the circumstances, you really shouldn't stick your nose into things. We don't know the situation and caution seems the best course of action. For that matter, the risk is pretty damn low that he would catch AIDs from either getting a blowjob from her or going down on her. The risk is there, but it's pretty low and the odds are just as good that he got her tested.

SugarMyChurro -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:12:11 PM)
If she does anything other than pretend she never knew any of it, it's probably a mistake. But whatever CL, you seem to have all kinds of preconceived notions about this that are not in evidence based on the scenario you laid out originally. I tell most of my friends not to tell me their secrets if their secrets need to remain secret. Some friends can tell me their secrets and I'll keep their secrets as if they were my own. It depends on the people involved. And I don't like to be made into an accomplice in other people's bullshit games. I think the daughter owes just as much loyalty to the father as to the mother. And she was snooping. Maybe her father doesn't realize how easy it is to discover such information from his cellphone. I have no idea... But she's make enemies if she talks about this stuff. Some people don't want their marital bliss being spoiled with the ugly truth. The idea that her mother will thank her forthis disclosure is really iffy in my view. And for all we know the parents have a "don't ask and don't tell" policy - some people do, that's how they make it work.

CuriousLord -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:12:19 PM)
I'm not sure. It would feel unfair to me. I know I'd want to be told, if I were in the mother's shoes.. at least, in a sort of relationship I'd develop. If someone didn't tell me, I'd see them as betraying my trust.

defiantbadgirl -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:12:29 PM)
It sounds like her mother suspects, but she may have no proof. The fact that she's upset about her suspicions tells me that nothing about this is consentual.

AquaticSub -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:13:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CuriousLord I'm not sure. It would feel unfair to me. I know I'd want to be told, if I were in the mother's shoes.. at least, in a sort of relationship I'd develop. If someone didn't tell me, I'd see them as betraying my trust. That's possible. It's also possible that the mother wants to have the sort of relationship where she knows and doesn't want to have to deal with it. Fair isn't always the best course of action.

AquaticSub -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:14:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl It sounds like her mother suspects, but she may have no proof. The fact that she's upset about her suspicions tells me that nothing about this is consentual. Maybe... maybe not. Either way, the fact is that this isn't the daughter's marriage. For all we know, the father and sectary are good friends and the mother can't handle it. I have male friends I say "I love you" and they me.

CalifChick -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:17:13 PM)
I think I'd say, "hey dad, you might want to delete private text messages and private pics off your phone. I'm just sayin" and leave it at that. Cali

LaTigresse -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:17:45 PM)
All I am going to say that, as a mother, if my child approached me with information about my partner, I would NOT appreciate it. That child would get a new asshole ripped for sticking their nose in my......MY personal relationship business. It would be more of a strain on the parent/child relationship than the adult relationship.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:19:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl lusciouslips, I'm glad to hear you got involved and glad your mother didn't end up with AIDS. To everyone saying she should keep her mouth shut, what if her mother ends up with AIDS? If her father is cheating, even if he uses protection, it's likely he's engaging in unprotected oral sex. But I didnt tell on him. I made him tell on himself.

defiantbadgirl -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:20:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CuriousLord I'm not sure. It would feel unfair to me. I know I'd want to be told, if I were in the mother's shoes.. at least, in a sort of relationship I'd develop. If someone didn't tell me, I'd see them as betraying my trust. If the affair is stopped, it may be best if she never knows, as it will only bring her pain. I still think confronting the secretary as well as the father is a good idea as it would increase the chances of the affair ending. If the affair isn't stopped, her mother needs to be told, as her life might be in danger (aids). What I can't understand is why so many people are telling her to keep her mouth shut when so many on here attack cheaters. It sounds like hypocracy to me and I for one can't understand it.

CuriousLord -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:21:14 PM)
Would this be an instance of shooting the messenger, or would it be you being upset that she didn't keep the secret, or would it you being upset that she knew in the first place, or something else?

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