RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating..

RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (Full Version)

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AquaticSub -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:23:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl quote: ORIGINAL: CuriousLord I'm not sure. It would feel unfair to me. I know I'd want to be told, if I were in the mother's shoes.. at least, in a sort of relationship I'd develop. If someone didn't tell me, I'd see them as betraying my trust. If the affair is stopped, it may be best if she never knows, as it will only bring her pain. I still think confronting the secretary as well as the father is a good idea as it would increase the chances of the affair ending. What I can't understand is why so many people are telling her to keep her mouth shut when so many on here attack cheaters. It sounds like hypocracy to me and I for one can't understand it. What on earth makes the think the secretary wouldn't confront the mother? Particularly if the secretary wasn't doing anything? I know if someone's brat came up to me asking if I was having sex with her father, you can be damn sure I'd be on the phone with her mother telling her what a rude child she had raised and that her daughter needs a lesson about keeping her nose out of other people's sex lives.

defiantbadgirl -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:28:11 PM)
I suppose there is an extremely small chance that the secretary isn't doing anything, but it's highly unlikely. As I said before, it's not normal for a secretary to be sending a married man text messages and pictures.

SugarMyChurro -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:29:28 PM)
I also disagree that AIDS/HIV is the huge concern that you seem to think it is. The chances of a man getting anything from a woman are significantly different than the other way around. Many things are substantially mitigated if the man simply takes a piss after sex. But whatever... quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl What I can't understand is why so many people are telling her to keep her mouth shut when so many on here attack cheaters. It sounds like hypocracy to me and I for one can't understand it. I think people are merely trying to encourage honesty in others. And people should be honest about THEMSELVES. It's quite another matter to have a snopping daughter underfoot and causing problems. This isn't the daughter being honest about herself, it's about her breaking a story about her father's possible infidelity to her own mother.

chellekitty -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:30:21 PM)
well, first, i am assuming that your friend is an adult, so the relationships involved are all adult/adult relationships, not parent/child relationships, no matter who gave birth/donated sperm to form the another person....if those boundaries aren't established with adult offspring, that is a whole different advice post.... second if it were me, i would not at all talk to the secretary - ever, unless there was a pre-established relationship...you don't establish a relationship on "hey, so i think you're fucking my dad...and you should stop" and the dirty work...approach the dad first...give him a chance to come clean....if he doesn't, tell the mom what you found, just what you found and only what you found, don't tell her what you think, don't tell her what you've heard, don't tell her what you feel, don't tell her what you've talked to your dad about...and then accept the shit you're gonna get for sticking your nose where it didn't belong, oh yea, accept the shit you're gonna get for sticking your nose where it didn't belong from your dad too...no one likes being caught cheating, and no one likes being informed that their spouse is cheating...and accept that you invaded someone's privacy...but you did it..it's over with, you found vital information that does need to be shared, because it could potentially affect your mom's health - seriously...you don't know who else the secretary's been sleeping with...anyway...after you've done that, step away, do not get involved in taking sides, do not do any snooping for either side, if that means you have to not go out wth either of them for the next 3 years...it may take that...but you've started the journey...no turning back now... that's what i would do...it's not a fun place...but they have to work it out, and they have to communicate to work it out and some may say that it's not your job to make them communicate, i say chosen apathic behavior is worse than straight out cruelty... chelle

AquaticSub -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:31:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl I suppose there is an extremely small chance that the secretary isn't doing anything, but it's highly unlikely. As I said before, it's not normal for a secretary to be sending a married man text messages and pictures. How do you know what is normal for every person and either way, the secretary's sex life is none of her damn business. She is not the wife. If she wants someone to talk to the secretary, she needs to put on her big girl panties and tell her mother because I promise you that the secretary will tell the mother what her daughter was up to. On the off chance she doesn't, she will mention to the husband who will tell the mother. It just make an already drama-filled situation worse. She is the daughter, not the wife. This is not her fight. Edited for to add: For that matter, this is something that really annoys me. It's got the attitude that it's somehow the secretary's fault and it's not. The problem is the Dad. If the secretary didn't put out, he would find someone else. She's just the symptom of a problem and there is no point in worrying about her involvement.

defiantbadgirl -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:32:55 PM)
SugarMyChurro, while we agree on politics, I have to respectfully disagree with you on this.

LaTigresse -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:33:19 PM)
CL, I would just be upset that the child was poking their nose in things that were none of their business. If they really did, accidentally see something that led them to believe my partner was doing something they thought wrong I would have first asked if they had talked to my partner before coming to me with it. Why, because there are too many variables in the situation. Granted, based on what you've said we can all assume. BUT, as others have said our assumptions, may very well be far from the truth. No one but the people in the relationship, including the child, knows all the details of that relationship. No one knows what they have discussed, what they have agreed upon, etc. Also, many are assuming that the mother is the poor ignorant victim. That may very well not be the case at all. If this friend of yours simply cannot leave it alone then she most definately should approach her father and no one else. Certainly not the secretary, that is rediculous at best. Tell the father what she saw and how it upset her. Let him say what he is going to say and be done with it. He will also decide how to deal with HIS relationship with HIS partner. For your friend to go running to her mother without talking to dad first is, in my opinion, just wrong. Stirring up shit and trouble when there may not be anything wrong to begin with.

CuriousLord -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:41:07 PM)
I think I'm going to recommend she talk to the father, then consider telling the mother. If the father is doing wrong, the mother deserves to know. Sure, it'll trigger something, but better to get it out of the way than let it fester away all their lives. The mother is not the property of the father, and she has a right to know what's going on in a relationship that's half hers. If nothing bad is going on, the parents, being reasonable people, should understand and just tell her that she's misunderstanding. They needn't elaborate if they wish to keep their privacy. I guess this is what I would've recommended in the beginning. I was just hoping there was some magic way of presenting it that would take an edge off the possible damage. The only thing I've seen suggested so far involves ignoring the issue, allowing it to fester.. this strikes me as entirely unhealthy.

TreasureKY -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:42:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse All I am going to say that, as a mother, if my child approached me with information about my partner, I would NOT appreciate it. That child would get a new asshole ripped for sticking their nose in my......MY personal relationship business. It would be more of a strain on the parent/child relationship than the adult relationship. I have to side with LT on this one. I've thought for years that my father is cheating on his wife but it's not my place to police their relationship. I see it in the same light that I never allowed my own children to be involved in my personal relationship with and divorce from their father. I would have been appauled had they felt obligated to take that responsibility.

defiantbadgirl -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:43:33 PM)
While it's true that the father may end up telling the mother if the secretary tells him, it's just as likely that both will be embarrassed and the affair will end. I think this is the best idea if the daughter wants to keep her family together. I think the secretary telling the mother is highly unlikely (unless she didn't know he was married which I seriously doubt since they are co-workers), as things could get violent. Nobody wants to spend their life always looking over their shoulder. I think following my advice is the best chance for ending the affair.

AquaticSub -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:46:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl While it's true that the father may end up telling the mother if the secretary tells him, it's just as likely that both will be embarrassed and the affair will end. I think this is the best idea if the daughter wants to keep her family together. I think the secretary telling the mother is highly unlikely (unless she didn't know he was married which I seriously doubt since they are co-workers), as things could get violent. Nobody wants to spend their life always looking over their shoulder. I think following my advice is the best chance for ending the affair. Things can always get violent. She is not the wife. The secretary's sex life is none of her damn business and I'd seriously consider her out of line, rude, obnoxious and a complete brat for doing so. It is not her business to tell the secretary (or any of her father's employees!) who she can and can not sleep with. Who her father sleeps with is only partly her business since as the daughter she will have to deal with the fallout. The only people she should talk to is the mother and father.

SugarMyChurro -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:47:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl I think following my advice is the best chance for ending the affair. And why should that be the daughter's concern? Is the father supposed to thank her for making trouble with his hot piece of ass? [:D] defiantbadgirl, be honest about yourself and stay out of other's people's business!

defiantbadgirl -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:49:41 PM)
The only problem I see with not confronting the secretary is it makes it too easy for the father to lie and continue the affair.

AquaticSub -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:50:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl The only problem I see with not confronting the secretary is it makes it too easy for the father to lie and continue the affair. So what? If she contronts the secretary and the father they can both just keep lying with no problem whatsoever! If she is that worried, talk to the mother.

defiantbadgirl -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 7:59:25 PM)
Not if she threatens to tell her mother. Also, if it was me, I wouldn't tell the father or the secretary how I found out. Makes it easier for her to check his cell phone again at a later date. Yes, it is snooping but her mother could end up dead if something isn't done (women who sleep with married men are often promiscuous). I'm sure plenty of people have contracted AIDS from cheating spouses.

MissMagnolia -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 8:08:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl Not if she threatens to tell her mother. Also, if it was me, I wouldn't tell the father or the secretary how I found out. Makes it easier for her to check his cell phone again at a later date. Yes, it is snooping but her mother could end up dead if something isn't done (women who sleep with married men are often promiscuous). I'm sure plenty of people have contracted AIDS from cheating spouses. Men who cheat are promiscuous too. And strangely, men and women who are promiscuous RARELY end up HIV positive. CL, you're friend needs to back off and mind her own business. It isn't up to her to be saying anything to anyone. Ever thought that maybe the mother isn't pure as the driven snow? You don't know the whole story, and neither do we. It isn't up to anyone to tell grown men and women how they should conduct their sex life. If they ask for advice yes, but not blabber mouthing knowing only what a few pics and txt's contained.

AquaticSub -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 8:11:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl Not if she threatens to tell her mother. Also, if it was me, I wouldn't tell the father or the secretary how I found out. Makes it easier for her to check his cell phone again at a later date. Yes, it is snooping but her mother could end up dead if something isn't done (women who sleep with married men are often promiscuous). I'm sure plenty of people have contracted AIDS from cheating spouses. What, you don't think they are capable of lying and saying they will tell the mother? Please get over the AIDs thing - you use that a reason for almost any arguement you make involving sex. If the daughter is concerned about her mother dying from AIDs, you should tell her to go straight to the mother with no pussyfooting around because she would need to be tested ASAP.

defiantbadgirl -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 8:12:45 PM)
I wouldn't want to take the chance of being silent because of AIDS.

AquaticSub -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 8:15:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl I wouldn't want to take the chance of being silent because of AIDS. Which is why you shouldn't be telling her to pussyfoot around. If you are really concerned about it, you should tell her to go straight to the mother - there may still be time for her to take the pills that help prevent AIDS.

TheHeretic -> RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. (2/3/2008 8:23:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse ........it is never any place of the child to stick their nose in their parents personal relationship business. Your friend was wrong for snooping through her father's personal business. Now she is paying the price. If anything she needs to talk to her father and appologise. I was going to chime in, but LaT said it for me. Bingo!

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