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How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 5:56:33 PM

CuriousLord

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A friend just called me up, scared. She's at her parents' place right now and she just went through her father's cell phone. Her father has texts and pictures from a secretary at his work, one her mother's been jealous of.

So.. there's..
-Girl: Just saw her father's cell phone with the text and is freaking out, not sure how to react.
-Girl's father: Has pictures and texts with his coworker which may be less than appropriate.
-Girl's mother: Jealous of secretary, but doesn't know about the cell phone find yet.

It's a rather loving home, so there's not really a foreseeable risk of violence. Still, she loves her family and doesn't want anything to come up, yet it's beginning to look like the father's having an affair.

My friend wants advice on how to handle it. I currently told her to keep it to herself until we figure this out more. Any advice? She mostly just wants her family to be together and happy.

PS- The text reads, "hey beautiful just remember i love you".

< Message edited by CuriousLord -- 2/3/2008 5:58:30 PM >

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 5:59:32 PM

faerytattoodgirl

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together and happy??? not going to happen by the sounds of this. as it looks like divorce written all over it.

thats not being negative...thats reality...the world is at its highest divorce rate for just this kind of thing.

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 6:00:12 PM

sophia37

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Its between her parents. She should say nothing. And if she positively cant say nothing, then she needs to talk to the Dad first, not the Mom. And in the end....its still between the parents.

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 6:00:15 PM

AquaticSub

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My sympthy to your friend. I've been there. I'd have her talk to her father about it. Not exactly confront, but talk. Really, she shouldn't have been going through his cell but I go through my father's as well to leave him notes on certain dates. It sounds like these messages aren't definately out of line, so there could be some reasonable explaination.

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 6:00:22 PM

LaTigresse

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As a parent I will say this........it is none of the child's business or more importantly, PLACE within the family dynamic, to interfere.

As a former child of cheating parents........it is never any place of the child to stick their nose in their parents personal relationship business. Your friend was wrong for snooping through her father's personal business. Now she is paying the price. If anything she needs to talk to her father and appologise.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 2/3/2008 6:02:15 PM >

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 6:31:56 PM

defiantbadgirl

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From the OP's description, this looks like cheating, not a consentual open marriage. I have read thread after thread of people bashing OPs that ask questions pertaining to cheating. Yet several people have advised that the daughter should keep her mouth shut, pretend she doesn't know, thereby allowing the possible cheating to continue. It doesn't matter if it's her father. Cheating is cheating. My advice is for her to confront the secretary first, then her father (separately). If nothing is going on, I'm sure their stories will match. Perhaps the embarassment will stop any affair that might be going on.

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 6:33:55 PM

AquaticSub

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Why bother with the secretary? She isn't breaking any promises, the father is. If nothing is going on, it will just be rude and nosey. Completely uncalled for and she isn't the wife.

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 6:38:52 PM

SugarMyChurro

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Why is she going through her father's things/cellphone? Your friend is a loser/drama queen.

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 6:38:53 PM

defiantbadgirl

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If she doesn't confront the secretary first, her father could just lie about the whole thing. It's not normal for a married man to be corresponding the way he is with someone his wife is jealous of. She will be able to figure out alot more by comparing their reactions and stories.

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 6:41:00 PM

SugarMyChurro

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Yeah, and about the secretary...

If the father is already paying the price with mom being bitter, jealous, angry, whatever about the secretary...then he might as well do the actual deed.

Funny shit...

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 6:41:28 PM

ottRopesandKnots

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
As a parent I will say this........it is none of the child's business or more importantly, PLACE within the family dynamic, to interfere.

I wholeheartedly disagree. Once she knows her loyalty to her mother needs to be factored in. How devastated will mom be to find out that not only is dad having an affair, but the daughter is concealing it? That's a double betrayal coming at a really bad time. I love my dad dearly, but I'd bust him in a heartbeat. Then again, I don't sit well with infidelity (poly, open? No problem with either in consenting arrangements, but I don't think that's what this is.).

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 6:41:34 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

If she doesn't confront the secretary first, her father could just lie about the whole thing. It's not normal for a married man to be corresponding the way he is with someone his wife is jealous of. She will be able to figure out alot more by comparing their reactions and stories.

Yeah he could and so could the secretary. It isn't her job to play dectective because it isn't her marriage. She needs to tell her father maybe her mother what she found and move on. If the mother wants to play detective, let her. It's her marriage.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 2/3/2008 6:42:11 PM >

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It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 6:43:22 PM

sambamanslilgirl

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From: Chicago, IL
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this reminds me finding out about my dad's infidelity by accident. i too thought my parent's had the "happiest" marriages compared my friends and their parents. i was stuck in the middle between the fighting before and during the divorce - bad memories.

< Message edited by sambamanslilgirl -- 2/3/2008 6:44:18 PM >

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 6:46:24 PM

batshalom

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As Dear Abby would say, the girl needs to mind her own biz. This is not her affair, no pun intended.

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 6:49:13 PM

kittensmailbox

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It is her parent's life, not hers'... she has to let them live their lives... +

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 6:50:24 PM

defiantbadgirl

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I can see your point. What I can't understand is people telling her to keep her mouth shut and or apologizing to her father. The secretary could be sleeping with or having unprotected oral sex with a number of men and her mother could end up with an std. Regardless of who she speaks to first, she certainly shouldn't keep her mouth shut.

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 6:51:32 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

I can see your point. What I can't understand is people telling her to keep her mouth shut and or apologizing to her father. The secretary could be sleeping with or having unprotected oral sex with a number of men and her mother could end up with an std. Regardless of who she speaks to first, she certainly shouldn't keep her mouth shut.

This is true, but the girl shouldn't play detective. If she is that concerned, she needs to take the honest and direct route tell her mother.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 6:53:23 PM

Griswold

Posts: 2739
Joined: 2/12/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord

A friend just called me up, scared. She's at her parents' place right now and she just went through her father's cell phone. Her father has texts and pictures from a secretary at his work, one her mother's been jealous of.

So.. there's..
-Girl: Just saw her father's cell phone with the text and is freaking out, not sure how to react.
-Girl's father: Has pictures and texts with his coworker which may be less than appropriate.
-Girl's mother: Jealous of secretary, but doesn't know about the cell phone find yet.

It's a rather loving home, so there's not really a foreseeable risk of violence. Still, she loves her family and doesn't want anything to come up, yet it's beginning to look like the father's having an affair.

My friend wants advice on how to handle it. I currently told her to keep it to herself until we figure this out more. Any advice? She mostly just wants her family to be together and happy.

PS- The text reads, "hey beautiful just remember i love you".

Here's some new text to read:

"There is no 'we' that needs to figure anything out....there's 'them'...which ain't any of you".

(in reply to CuriousLord)

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 6:54:23 PM

windchymes

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Chances are, the wife already knows there's something going on, she's jealous for a reason.

But regardless of who is doing what, it is NOT the daughter's place to go confronting the secretary, not her place to get involved at all, except for possibly being there for moral support when it all comes to a head, and it will eventually.

It's possible that it's just a temporary flirtation her father is having, and it might fizzle itself out. He might realize the mistake he's making, things could blow over and they might be able to get their marriage back on track. But if daughter sticks her nose in where it really doesn't belong, all kinds of nastiness could result, including a divorce that might not have occurred if things had just been allowed to blow over.

If she needs to do something, she could quietly approach her father, after she comes up with some plausible excuse as to why she was snooping in his cell phone messages to begin with, tell him she saw the message and hopes he'll realize what he's doing before a lot of people get hurt.

Seems kind of careless of Dad, though, to have left something so incriminating around to be discovered....

Something else to consider...maybe Mom's not such an angel herself? Maybe her parents have been unhappy for years and are just going through the motions of being married "for the kids"? Maybe they plan on divorcing someday when the kids are all grown and finished with school? See, when you go snooping around, you open up all kinds of cans of worms.

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RE: How to deal with a parent's cheating.. - 2/3/2008 6:54:42 PM

defiantbadgirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kittensmailbox

It is her parent's life, not hers'... she has to let them live their lives... +

What if she keeps her mouth shut and her mother ends up with an incurable std?

_____________________________

Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.

Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

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