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Afraid of the pain. - 2/7/2008 1:04:20 AM

denversubnewbie

Posts: 8
Joined: 2/3/2008
Status: offline

I read a wonderful profile from MS Bearlee, about Dominant relationships...I love the idea of giving myself , of sharing this intimate lifestyle beyond sex.But I don't know if I can stand the pain implied..been spanked and whipped (whipped with discomfort) would do it again though with someone trusting..as I wrote to her.If you cant stand the heat in the kitchen stay out of the kitchen....But I might like it in the kitchen..snuck a peek a couple of times. How to proceed ...obviously with caution.
Another thing..I want sex and the closeness..the cuddling afterward..I dont expect my way all the time..maybe not even 50%..but come please I need to climax occasionally..and for my lover as well..I have known my lover to be pleased by a visiual and physical display of her demands. Thats how I ended up in panties..another story...about the pain. Thanks Jim
sorry I

Post #: 1

RE: Afraid of the pain. - 2/7/2008 1:47:57 AM

MsSaskia

Posts: 415
Joined: 9/9/2004
From: Denver
Status: offline

Not all leather relationships involve pain. It's possible to have a Ds relationship without pain. If you're not into impact play, you may find that you're into bondage, sensory deprivation, non-painful sensory play, or any number of things. You may also find that a skilled top or dominant can help you learn to enjoy some types of play that you may have assumed were painful but aren't all that difficult to take. There are also things like breathing techniques that can help you relax into a more physical scene so that you're less likely to tense up and experience a sensation as negative.

Don't assume you'll have to do something to make a top/dominant happy. If there are people you want to approach and explore with, let them know your fears and concerns and limits right up front so there's no mistake. A big mistake novices make is biting off more than they can chew because they think a dominant won't like them unless they do X activity.

(in reply to denversubnewbie)

Post #: 2

RE: Afraid of the pain. - 2/7/2008 7:20:44 AM

denversubnewbie

Posts: 8
Joined: 2/3/2008
Status: offline

Thanks for your time and your comments. I'm amazed by some of the comments here, bright, open, very articulate in thought and expression. You certainly included. The scene has a language of its own. I'm single, unattached after a long and exciting relationship..I preface this because I would like to know more of the Denver Scene. Can you suggest a club or activity where I might meet and speak with others. I'm sure there are no New Member nights..this is not the Elks Lodge.( and what would I wear, prefer slacks and sportcoats ).Found your pictures and your profile exciting, although bit overwhelming for my virgin mind. Exciting but intimidating. Your comments were reassuring and undestanding. Thanks again.

Jim

(in reply to MsSaskia)

Post #: 3

RE: Afraid of the pain. - 2/7/2008 11:04:23 AM

MistressVnus

Posts: 1036
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Central Florida
Status: offline

quote:

Afraid of the pain

You should be afraid. Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery afraid!! Muuuwwahahahahahahahaaha!!

_____________________________

In the ties that bind,
Mistress Venus
http://www.mistressvenus.com

"I'm not IN the lifestyle. The lifestyle is in Me!"

(in reply to denversubnewbie)

Post #: 4

RE: Afraid of the pain. - 2/7/2008 11:49:01 AM

liks2plzlf

Posts: 390
Joined: 7/21/2005
Status: offline

Not to worry! They hit like girls.

(in reply to MsSaskia)

Post #: 5

RE: Afraid of the pain. - 2/8/2008 12:01:48 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

LOL! very wicked!

To the OP ... as pointed out, D/s isn't ALL about pain, and there are ways to sensually spank and flog that amazingly minimise the pain and maximise the pleasure. Most things are worst only in our minds ... as a sub, i feared needle play (though i'm not a wimp with medical injections) ... i psyched myself up to ask Master to do it to me which He was kind enough to do ... only to find it was an anticlimax in a way as i didn't even FEEL the damn things going in LOL! i can remember looking at lots of bdsm pics and reading things and thinking "OMG NO! That must be AGONY! i could never do that!" only to find when tried ... it really wasn't anywhere near so bad! The main thing for a newbie is to try to keep an open mind, while clarifying for yourself what your "no go" zones are at this time. Bear in mind that some of these "no go" zones will remain forever, others will dissolve over time. That's "normal".

Now, I am in Australia so I don't specifically know what's around in Denver. But most local scenes do have the equivalent of New Members Nights ... they are called munches. These are social occasions, drinks or a meal, in a public place. Attendees wear normal clothes (basic black is always a safe bet) and simply meet and greet. No toys in evidence, conversation is discreet especially around other tables or waitstaff. If you want you can stick to a screen name or nickname, and don't feel pressured to answer questions about where you live or what you do for a living too specifically. Neither expect the others there to divulge too much personal info to you. Many groups would not allow you to attend a play party nor even give you the address of one until you have attended one or more munches and become "known" as being sincere in your quest, and clearly understanding of the rules of discretion and party protocols. That's to protect everyone. There are other more open groups, some operate out of nightclubs etc where the general public can wander in ... up to you if you choose to attend those sorts of events, My relatively high profile job in a sensitive field kept Me out of the more public arenas.

At play parties, if you have become generally known to the group through a munch, someone (the hosts or others) will usually keep an eye out for you, recognising it's your first time and you are nervous. They will usually show you around the venue, explain what some of the peculiar furniture is used for, and remind you of the polite way to observe and find out more. I have sat with many a newby in a quiet corner from which the play could be viewed but not interrupted and quietly explained what it was they were seeing, and tried to give insight as to how it might feel. At Our parties We used a ribbon system to identify subs and Dominants who were partnerless but interested in some play under the supervision of the House. That gave people a chance to explore safely and with others ensuring their safewords and limits were heard and respected. I think generally you will be pleasantly surprised at how much help you WILL find ... not saying all local groups are perfect ... there is good and bad in all ... just as in any other microcosm of humanity ... but I have found more bdsmers to be welcoming than not! Good luck!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

PS Re clothes ... regular clothes to a munch ... once there, you can ask about what to wear to the parties they may hold or attend. Again, failing all else, clean simple clothes (shirt and slacks) especially black, will go a long way, unless it is specifically a fetish event such as a Fetish Ball. The guy who turned up to Our party in a grubby sweaty once white singlet (vest), short shorts and thongs was pushing it rather!! Over time you might discover what special fetishy type of things might float your boat ... or the boat of a Mistress you might snare! Just try not to wander round the party with a mouth gaping like a goldfish at what you see people wearing (or not wearing!). It's a dead giveaway

< Message edited by MaamJay -- 2/8/2008 12:07:27 AM >

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to liks2plzlf)

Post #: 6

RE: Afraid of the pain. - 2/10/2008 10:10:10 AM

denversubnewbie

Posts: 8
Joined: 2/3/2008
Status: offline

Thanks so much for your comments and thoughts. All and all it seems quite civil and compassionate. J And exciting !!!

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 7

RE: Afraid of the pain. - 2/10/2008 10:22:40 AM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

Pain is not all the same , a light spank then work up to harder , you may say more more and have paddles .take it slow with self discovery .the B in bdsm Can be fun too .

(in reply to denversubnewbie)

Post #: 8

RE: Afraid of the pain. - 2/10/2008 10:30:05 AM

unforegvn

Posts: 159
Joined: 8/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: liks2plzlf

Not to worry! They hit like girls.

ha ha ha - Yeah ~ we go straight for the balls!!!!!

(in reply to liks2plzlf)

Post #: 9

RE: Afraid of the pain. - 2/10/2008 10:35:06 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: denversubnewbie

I read a wonderful profile from MS Bearlee, about Dominant relationships...I love the idea of giving myself , of sharing this intimate lifestyle beyond sex.But I don't know if I can stand the pain implied..been spanked and whipped (whipped with discomfort) would do it again though with someone trusting..as I wrote to her.If you cant stand the heat in the kitchen stay out of the kitchen....But I might like it in the kitchen..snuck a peek a couple of times. How to proceed ...obviously with caution.
Another thing..I want sex and the closeness..the cuddling afterward..I dont expect my way all the time..maybe not even 50%..but come please I need to climax occasionally..and for my lover as well..I have known my lover to be pleased by a visiual and physical display of her demands. Thats how I ended up in panties..another story...about the pain. Thanks Jim
sorry I

Many people find that what they thought they wanted or really did not want when they entered the lifestyle ended up changing dramatically. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is find someone that sees you as the person you are and doesn't look for some unrealistic idea of you as a role. When you find that person, be open, honest, communicate and try out the things you are unsure of and hold firm to the limits you know that you cannot do. There's really nothing you have to do or not do, we're all different. Who are with is so much more important than any laundry list of activities.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to denversubnewbie)

Post #: 10

RE: Afraid of the pain. - 2/10/2008 5:15:49 PM

MystressDream

Posts: 345
Joined: 7/11/2004
From: Colorado
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: denversubnewbie

Thanks for your time and your comments. I'm amazed by some of the comments here, bright, open, very articulate in thought and expression. You certainly included. The scene has a language of its own. I'm single, unattached after a long and exciting relationship..I preface this because I would like to know more of the Denver Scene. Can you suggest a club or activity where I might meet and speak with others. I'm sure there are no New Member nights..this is not the Elks Lodge.( and what would I wear, prefer slacks and sportcoats ).Found your pictures and your profile exciting, although bit overwhelming for my virgin mind. Exciting but intimidating. Your comments were reassuring and undestanding. Thanks again.

Jim

Here in Denver there are munches and open nights for new people. These are NOT play parties, they are just opportunities to meet people in the scene and make friends. The one I enjoy the most is the Friday night mixers at The Enclave. If you wish to attend on a Friday night, go to the website linked in my signature and check out the club. Friday nights are open to the public and we always have something going on such as discussions or demos.

Welcome to the Denver scene. <smile>

_____________________________

Knowledge and experience are wonderful things to share. When we stop asking questions, we might as well "hang it up".

check out: www.enclaveproductions.com
www.enclavewest.com

(in reply to denversubnewbie)

Post #: 11

RE: Afraid of the pain. - 2/10/2008 6:32:32 PM

vampchick88

Posts: 346
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline

Some people are in it for the pain, others are into different things. Personally I'm a Domme but love to feel pain. Its a way that I deal with things and it helps me clear my head for a bit. My sub is the complete opposite, he hates pain. While he'll be flogged, occassionally spanked, etc. I wont have him in uncomfortable positions due to muscle injuries. Its ok that your not into pain, it distincts who you are. Just let whoever your with know that its a hard limit and they should respect that.

_____________________________

Proud owner of rubberpet, the best investment of my time, trust, and heart that any Domme could ever dream of.

(in reply to MystressDream)

Post #: 12

RE: Afraid of the pain. - 2/10/2008 7:11:55 PM

MsSaskia

Posts: 415
Joined: 9/9/2004
From: Denver
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: denversubnewbie

Thanks for your time and your comments. I'm amazed by some of the comments here, bright, open, very articulate in thought and expression. You certainly included. The scene has a language of its own. I'm single, unattached after a long and exciting relationship..I preface this because I would like to know more of the Denver Scene. Can you suggest a club or activity where I might meet and speak with others. I'm sure there are no New Member nights..this is not the Elks Lodge.( and what would I wear, prefer slacks and sportcoats ).Found your pictures and your profile exciting, although bit overwhelming for my virgin mind. Exciting but intimidating. Your comments were reassuring and undestanding. Thanks again.

Jim

http://www.denvergateway.com/ at the Sanctuary is designed specifically for people who are new to the BDSM community. I volunteer for those evenings now and then. They're the fourth Saturday of every month, so you won't have to wait much longer for the next one. You can get an introductory membership on your first visit or go ahead and get a full membership. There's an orientation so you can learn about basic club rules and there's always a very friendly group of people at the Sanctuary.

(in reply to denversubnewbie)

Post #: 13

RE: Afraid of the pain. - 2/14/2008 1:42:16 PM

MsBearlee

Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline

Well, well; thank you Jim! And yes, there are very many, bright, articulate people here. We’re just like normal people…honest! LOL

One of the things I say regularly is; EVERYTHING is relative. Pain to one person might be a warm-up to another. When I speak of pain, I do not mean the kind of pain one experiences when they whack their thumb with a hammer!

The pain I enjoy inflicting is mutually consensual pain…and it’s always delivered safely and with consideration. Of course…consideration is on MY terms, but still... LOL

Seriously, all relationships have to be win/win; how is a woman to keep a guy if she doesn’t, in their agreed way, make him happy too?

And as others have said here, there are many ways to experience your Dark Side. Perhaps there will be little physical pain in your perfect world…but maybe humiliation or bondage could be your thing. Who knows…hang around the boards; you’ll learn a lot!

Go to munches, meet people…who knows, you might fall in love with a ‘beating’ delivered with a big, thuddy elk-skin flogger. Hell, it wouldn’t even break the skin. Honest…

MsB

_____________________________

A must read for submissives! (click here)

This one, as well!

(in reply to denversubnewbie)

Post #: 14

RE: Afraid of the pain. - 2/14/2008 1:57:44 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

The key to getting what you want and need in any relationships is open, honest, realistic, and ongoing communication.

If you have that from the start I don't think you'll need to be afraid of either having to suffer more than you can handle or not being intimate in a way that works for both of you.

That's true regardless of role or type of dynamic.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to denversubnewbie)

Post #: 15

RE: Afraid of the pain. - 2/14/2008 3:55:06 PM

MsBearlee

Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsSaskia

quote:

ORIGINAL: denversubnewbie

Thanks for your time and your comments. I'm amazed by some of the comments here, bright, open, very articulate in thought and expression. You certainly included. The scene has a language of its own. I'm single, unattached after a long and exciting relationship..I preface this because I would like to know more of the Denver Scene. Can you suggest a club or activity where I might meet and speak with others. I'm sure there are no New Member nights..this is not the Elks Lodge.( and what would I wear, prefer slacks and sportcoats ).Found your pictures and your profile exciting, although bit overwhelming for my virgin mind. Exciting but intimidating. Your comments were reassuring and undestanding. Thanks again.

Jim

http://www.denvergateway.com/ at the Sanctuary is designed specifically for people who are new to the BDSM community. I volunteer for those evenings now and then. They're the fourth Saturday of every month, so you won't have to wait much longer for the next one. You can get an introductory membership on your first visit or go ahead and get a full membership. There's an orientation so you can learn about basic club rules and there's always a very friendly group of people at the Sanctuary.

I agree whole heartedly, Saskia! I also throughly enjoy the evenings I've spent at the Enclave: http://enclavewest.com/ ...another lovely club with gracious people!!!

Beverly

_____________________________

A must read for submissives! (click here)

This one, as well!

(in reply to MsSaskia)

Post #: 16

RE: Afraid of the pain. - 3/21/2008 11:35:22 AM

Marysboi

Posts: 52
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline

Could you please tell me where the Sanctuary is located. I tried to write a quick note thru Gateway..but it didn't take.Have been to the Enclave and found it quite enjoyable..Would like to speak with my Mary about attending the 4th Sat. Gateway meeting for beginners. Dress casual I suspect ?? Thank you for your help.

Respectfully. Jim

(in reply to MsSaskia)

Post #: 17

RE: Afraid of the pain. - 3/21/2008 11:45:22 AM

Sunnyfey

Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline

*hugs Marysboi* Not that the pain can sometimes be harsh...its also fun, adds another aspect to your sexuality that (YMMV) I find very very very interesting. And remember too darling the THOUGHT of pain is usually alot more scary then the ACTUAL physical pain involved in a scene. Alot of its all in your head...and when you let that go...the subspace bliss is as marvelous as they say it is. If you care to message me on the other side, I can give you some meditations that help me get the right headspace for painfull scenes....

_____________________________

Resident Hell Cat

(in reply to Marysboi)

Post #: 18

RE: Afraid of the pain. - 3/21/2008 11:50:04 AM

MsSaskia

Posts: 415
Joined: 9/9/2004
From: Denver
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Marysboi

Could you please tell me where the Sanctuary is located. I tried to write a quick note thru Gateway..but it didn't take.Have been to the Enclave and found it quite enjoyable..Would like to speak with my Mary about attending the 4th Sat. Gateway meeting for beginners. Dress casual I suspect ?? Thank you for your help.

Respectfully. Jim

Sent you a private email re Gateway this Saturday. I'll be doing a Toybag Tour this time. I look forward to meeting you and Mary.

(in reply to Marysboi)

Post #: 19

RE: Afraid of the pain. - 3/21/2008 12:24:55 PM

Marysboi

Posts: 52
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline

Dear Sunnyfey, Yes please ..any thoughts or meditations would be welcome. My Mary spanks me with a belt almost daily. I sometimes shake/shiver but nothing I can't tolerate. But I have never done anything more. Her spankings I give to let her know I'm hers and for minor punishment..(daily ??). Her spankings are for the same. to remind me I'm hers and for punishment..I have been traveling..( thru Oklahoma yesterday) to Houston. and missed our little sessions. I missed my Mary. Don't mean to ramble ..Thanks for the offer of help. With it I might explore something a little more serious.
Respectfully, Jim

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

Post #: 20

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