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RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/9/2008 2:18:56 AM

faithfulfemme

Posts: 113
Joined: 5/24/2007
Status: offline

First, not all of these encounters were with men. Once was with a male Dom, then a Couple, and once with a female Domme. This seems to be a fairly different range of people for them all to be only interested in a conquest. However, i could just be naive....i don't know.

You said, "We talk for months and meet several times without any play or sex". Are these relationships long distance? Seems if you were meeting people in your area you would see them more than "several times" over "months". And if they were, indeed, long distance relationships, it could just be that the lengthy travel got in the way of seeing you again. Keep in mind that i don't know that this was the case, but you could take years trying to figure out why people do the things they do, and still not come up with anything definitive....

Some one before me (and i don't remember who it was) posted what i think is the best answer: get involved with a kink community close to where you live. Even if you have to drive an hour one way to get to meetings, or munches, it is truly the best way to meet people. Also, being a member of a kink community has a teeny bit of a safeguard: there will be others who could give you a clue about anyone you might be interested in meeting. Reputation is paramount in any community, especially this one, and those who don't care about it will stand out from the crowd....and, of course, this will be noted by others. And just maybe the friends you make would tell you about it if you asked.

If none of this even remotely resembles what happened to you, then as bignipples2share said, and i paraphrase, just pick up your self-esteem and go on with your life. There are many good experiences out there, even if it means going through a few frogs to get to them.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Make the most of every failure: fall forward" ~Anon~
.
.

(in reply to bignipples2share)

Post #: 21

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/10/2008 3:25:34 PM

blacksword404

Posts: 2068
Joined: 1/4/2008
Status: offline

Whether she wants to face it it's her . She is either the problem because there is something about her that runs them off aftewr they have been with her or she is picking men that are they type who will do this. One or two times might be them. 3 or 4 or 5 times and it's you. Why does a girl complain that all she ever dates is losers when thats what she is attracted to, and all she ever seeks out?

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 22

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/11/2008 7:49:05 AM

backseatbebe

Posts: 195
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

youre not alone
im sure there a boat load of women who had taken the time to get to know their "Dom/mes" (and people should note that it was half women and half men, so men cant just be blamed here) and they ran right after inintmacy.
if i knew the answers im sure a lot of us would be owned!!!

(in reply to sillyfrillyboy)

Post #: 23

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/11/2008 9:30:05 AM

Chaze

Posts: 26
Joined: 1/31/2008
Status: offline

Wake up girl, the man dumped a load in you, be thankful for the time he took away from others and gave you. He allowed you to serve his need at the moment; you should be very grateful and stop complaining like some haughty undersexed waddler.

(in reply to Tashee)

Post #: 24

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/11/2008 10:14:12 AM

stevepops

Posts: 41
Joined: 11/12/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Chaze

Wake up girl, the man dumped a load in you, be thankful for the time he took away from others and gave you. He allowed you to serve his need at the moment; you should be very grateful and stop complaining like some haughty undersexed waddler.

quote:

Chaze

Wow take it easy big fella,

the girl wrote is has happened with a Man, a Couple and a Woman

There can be so many reasons, and we just have so little information that we can only assume. However as it has been said it we tend to attract the same type of people over and over. The following is not directed to the OP but a general observation: If you want to attract other people - you have to change. But it sounds weird that there is a total stop of communication after first encounter. I can understand the Dom who told the sub that he would not communicate with her for some days - as a part of the dynamic. But to us dealing with a young woman there should be a tons of communication. Specially after the first encounters. We feel it's our responsibility not only to help her/him thru potential subdrop but also learn so we can adjust the training accordingly.

So as it already has been said, keep on looking, get involved in your local community. But think about what made to interested in those you got involved with. Maybe you should look somewhere you initially didn't think about.

best of luck
SP and EroticaOne

(in reply to Chaze)

Post #: 25

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/11/2008 12:16:05 PM

ThunderRoad

Posts: 231
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline

A lot of people enjoy the chase more than the victory, quite simply. Once they have "conquored" there's not much else in it for them and they are on to the next target.

Doms get it with subs alot as well.

(in reply to stevepops)

Post #: 26

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/11/2008 12:52:41 PM

Chaze

Posts: 26
Joined: 1/31/2008
Status: offline

I so agree, the chase, the challenge, the victory sweetest when the battle fought the hardest... yet victory offers both path and passion for the next challenge and it too offers an exciting unknown reward.
So it is, boredom dulls the sword and the same woman day after day is boredom itself.

(in reply to ThunderRoad)

Post #: 27

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/11/2008 1:56:27 PM

IronOre

Posts: 24
Joined: 5/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Chaze

I so agree, the chase, the challenge, the victory sweetest when the battle fought the hardest... yet victory offers both path and passion for the next challenge and it too offers an exciting unknown reward.
So it is, boredom dulls the sword and the same woman day after day is boredom itself.

Perhaps one of them were Chaze? The best advice IMO here has been to be involved with your local community. Three times the same result with such different constitution, I hate to say it but I think it may be you. Either what you do or the type you choose. In the BDSM community you will meet with people who can help you choose with whom you may want to have relations with, as this may be a problem you have. Or, if it is something you do, you will see the person again at a Munch, or what have you, and you can discuss with them what happened. The internet allows too much anonymity at times and people ave a tendency to hide behind it.

_____________________________

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil: For this is My valley.

(in reply to Chaze)

Post #: 28

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/11/2008 5:13:26 PM

ThunderRoad

Posts: 231
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline

Also, the best advice we can give is to stop looking so hard and it will find you. Cliche yes, but you end up a lot less frustrated.

And hey, if you get towards Madison, let us know. We'll get you hooked up with the great community here.

(in reply to IronOre)

Post #: 29

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/12/2008 12:27:50 AM

slavetoobeyYou

Posts: 12
Joined: 8/28/2005
Status: offline

Well Tashee,

These things are so hard without being able to dialogue--all projection and guesswork so sorry if I've got it wrong--and then even if I was relevant, would you see what my eyes are seeing?

First off, I think the suggestions to get in with your local community are good. You'd probably be able to get some kind of feedback and directness there.

If anything I say sounds critical--I don't mean it that way, I'm only pulling for you.

I hear that you met several times. This sounds like the agenda is arranging a play/sex date and of course wanting to get comfortable enough for that to happen.  From your picture you're very hot (I'll assume you know that but amazing as it is to me girls often don't seem to realize the lust they inspire) and not everyone is, and many would be motivated to jump through your hoops.

These are three different scenarios here, Dom, Couple, and Domme, so what kind of relationship were you going for?  Girlfriend? Poly-household member?  Femme?  Friendship hang out buddies and occasional play partner? Or maybe a collared submissive/ try-it-out slave?  Steady play-only partner? Was there a discussion of this up front?

It sounds like the purpose for meeting was to play. Maybe there was the possibility of some kind of a relationship.  Play happened. Now what's next?  Once you have sex, for many people, if you have that second time, you'll keep having it and you're in a relationship. Well, turns out they didn't want to be in a relationship. I'm not sure there's anything actually wrong here.

But clearly YOU had expectations. Either your expectations are based on your interpretations which don't match theirs so they are uncomfortable with you, or maybe they led you on and are uncomfortable facing you.

Without your sharing things like:  "We had a lot in common...  They are a couple but I seemed to fit in with them very well and liked them both... She wasn't threatened by me. ..." In other words I don't get the sense of depth in these "relationships" but maybe you just didn't include that part of it.

I also don't get a sense of where you are with regard to them. Like that you were comfortable enough to play with them meant that you wanted a relationship with them, depending on if THEY would see you again. Well, being submissive, I wonder if we aren't like stereotypical women, getting involved and wanting a relationship and the dominants are like stereotypical men, just fine with having played and not already in the relationship. There's more to this looking at what WE want, but it took me a long time to get the idea with people pointing it out again and again to me in person, and then it gets suspended while I'm a slave.

And no matter what, whether it is all them, all you, a combination, if there's some lesson given your life you haven't learned yet, so what, like we're all not going through the same process? It takes courage to say, hey all these people are dumping me, is it them or is it something I'm doing, and look at oneself.

slave to obey you

(in reply to Tashee)

Post #: 30

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/12/2008 12:56:51 AM

touchofeuphoria

Posts: 33
Joined: 1/4/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tashee

Have other submissives had this happen. Please tell me, I'm getting confused and very hurt feelings. I need to figure out what are the signs before this happens again.

I meet someone new, who's attentive and takes it slow. We talk for months and meet several times without any play or sex. Everything's going great and I feel like we're really getting close. Finally I'm ready to take it deeper and with much discussion we enter into a physical relationship. So far, so good. The play and sex are great, everyone acts very happy and makes plans with me for the future.

Then, nothing. The calls stop the next day, the messages aren't answered, or only replied to in a cool and short way. Suddenly they aren't interested and become distant. No admission by them that I did anything wrong or wasn't what they wanted. Just a cold shoulder and silence.

This has happened in the last 3 relationships I got into. None were casual, and all pursued me with great interest until the Day After sex or play. Literally, the next day all intimate conversation stopped. Once with a Dom, once with a Couple, and once with a Domme. It's kicking my self esteem and making me very wary, but wariness without understanding what caused this is useless. How can you tell if someone's all about the chase, or whether I'm doing something so wrong that it turns people off and they won't tell me?

Liar..you killed them, didn't you..

< Message edited by touchofeuphoria -- 2/12/2008 12:57:22 AM >

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(in reply to Tashee)

Post #: 31

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/12/2008 1:26:44 AM

BabyDollVanIsle

Posts: 103
Joined: 10/27/2007
Status: offline

Tashee, i wonder if part of the problem is that you are so attractive...

that may sound strange, but as someone who has been 'mousy' and plain all her life, i did notice early in life that often the most attractive girls had problems with men chasing them as trophies, but not really interested in them as people.

that was a problem i did not have.. i realized being plain, the only motivation most men would have in pursueing me, was that there was something about my personality they liked. sort of a built in protection from 'triflers'.

perhaps your youth and attractiveness and asian exoticism, are attracting people who are intrigued by you as a fantasy. if so, to spend further time with you as a person is quite a different thing than to play with a beautiful fantasy creature.

if you have had trouble with forming very close and loving relationships in your family of origin, you might not really notice a real lack of personal connection in these meetings, and be fooled by the intense interest they give you (very flattering and satisfying) and mistaking it for personal connection and interest.

also, while western culture and asian culture may seem very similiar on the surface, there are still may differences.. were you raised in a mixed community with a lot of exposure to mixed cultures and western cultures, or where you raised in a more uni-ethnic situation? you could come across as too different and not on the same wavelength for a relationship with the people pursuing you, but they were intrugued enough by your beauty and youth to play with you.

you might be pursueing a fantasy yourself.. being drawn in by people who give you intense but ultimately un-sustainable attention, and overlooking people who give a quieter more sincere kind of attention. perhaps you are drawn to people who seem very desireable to you by what they have to offer, who interest and excite you, while more 'ordinary' people with whom you could form a more ordinary but more mutual relationship aren't as appealing.

all these things i mention are entirely normal dynamics to work through when you are young. you are not alone.

the best advice has been repeated the most.. find the local community, get to know people in a neutral setting over time, form friendships. these friendships will ground you, and give you resources to help you in the future.. nothing like a friend to point out when you are chasing a fantasy or doing something stupid to help you see life more realistically.

(in reply to touchofeuphoria)

Post #: 32

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/13/2008 5:53:54 PM

pamela700

Posts: 23
Joined: 8/23/2004
Status: offline

i cannot agree more with getting involved with your local community bdsm folks. you will find a more reliable group of people to play with, and can form relationships where you know the people won't just disappear.

that said, i do have one or two other things to add:

- i know a couple, active in both bdsm and swing events, who actually really look for 'notches'. they'll do people i'd never touch, just for the novelty. my partner and i had a great time with them once, complete with persual and dinner and sharing an anniversary celebration, all agreed it was awesome, and we've seen them at parties several times since, and only played with them one other time (over the course of several years). they are absolutley hunters/notchers. you may be more 'available' to that type as a very attractive asian girl - that's a fantasy a lot of caucasian people have.

- i also know a stunning girl who is an absolute cold fish in bed. no movement, no passion, no intensity. she might as well be reading a cereal box. if this is you, or if you expect everything to be done 'for' and 'to' you as the submissive, you may've found your problem. do you enjoy what you do? do you communicate your passion during play with your voice, your breathing, your intensity of response?

it could also just be that these were not the right people for you. keep going, keep trying, and do check out your local scene.

(in reply to BabyDollVanIsle)

Post #: 33

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/14/2008 9:41:36 PM

BabyDollVanIsle

Posts: 103
Joined: 10/27/2007
Status: offline

For what it is worth, there are some people who actually want someone extremely passive in bed. Being still and letting the other person do everything as if you were a doll, is a valid way to be. it doesnt' have to be catagorized as being a 'cold fish'.

(in reply to pamela700)

Post #: 34

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/16/2008 1:47:31 PM

Sylphid

Posts: 7
Joined: 2/16/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tashee

The cold shoulder people ended all visits, emails, phone calls. That equals ending the relationship to me. They didn't say they were doing so, they just did it. Some replied briskly to a few emails, others not at all. I never ranted at them, I just wrote a few notes saying how much I enjoyed the time spent with them and said I missed them about a week later. The responses were short and cool but non-specific to what I'd written, that is, they avoided talking about anything having gone wrong (or right, for that matter) or whether or not they'd see me again.

Dear Tashee

I really feel for you. I've been through the same but with a man only. I hate that cold shoulder feeling, makes you feel so 'used' and not in a nice way.

But maybe the reasons (at least according to my experience) might be:

While you might want something more intense, they might want some casual play only, whenever fits their plans/diary/level of horniness etc
They were 'scared' by your reaction: you were too 'much' into the whole scene etc while they were 'cooler' so to speak
They're utter bastards and rude too

Hope this helps understand more about this, I know that dealing with sub drop alone is very bad, makes it all worse.

All the best
S.

(in reply to Tashee)

Post #: 35

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/16/2008 2:04:57 PM

Openpatient1

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline

I think you are making this a bit too difficult. It just isnt working out. I know sometimes, people go through stages where they attract something they dont want. Sex compatiblity is hard to predict up front, and sometimes its just a matter of wanting something else; of which you have no control over.

Other than a fractured ego, I would simply take a bit more time, and discuss sexual desires and outcomes. Be up front, and cancel out if they dont seem to be in the same private IDAHO>

lol

Carl

(in reply to sillyfrillyboy)

Post #: 36

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/16/2008 2:25:36 PM

Openpatient1

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline

hahahah, totally hilarious..touchofeuphoria....

a sense of humor, never hurt anyone..

lol

Master Carl

(in reply to touchofeuphoria)

Post #: 37

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/16/2008 2:32:32 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronOre

quote:

ORIGINAL: Chaze

I so agree, the chase, the challenge, the victory sweetest when the battle fought the hardest... yet victory offers both path and passion for the next challenge and it too offers an exciting unknown reward.
So it is, boredom dulls the sword and the same woman day after day is boredom itself.

Perhaps one of them were Chaze?

I doubt that he's gettin' any.
Just sayin'...

_____________________________

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A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to IronOre)

Post #: 38

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/16/2008 3:01:38 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

I've done this once before and I wasn't aware of what I was doing until it was all over and I had some time to reflect.

Sometimes when you meet people, all that fuels the attraction is your own fantasies. It's not so much about the "person", it's about the "submissive" or the "slave". It's about all that kinky shit you want to do with them or the fantasy of the dynamic or just the erotic nature of D/S itself.

I agree with Leatherist. People develop tunnel vision with their partners. They are fixated on the kink and the drive that comepels them towards a certain person is not based on an attraction of the person themselves, but an attraction to the "dominant" or "submissive" or "slave" or "Master" or "Top" or "Bottom".

You call them and are interested in them, because you are warm in your groin or wet between your legs.

Then once you get the "fantasy" or the "kink", all that lust blows out of you like a hot bag of air deflating. Your left with a person that your not really interested in or even all that attracted to. The house of cards falls down, because you got the choclate cake you have been craving and now you aren't thinking about choclate cake anymore.

The question I would ask yourself is "When you were getting to know this person, what was the content of your conversations?"

Did you talk about mostly your kinks? How submissive you are? How dominant he is? The dynamic? Protocols? Rituals?

If you have two people who are spending 70% of their time "getting to know each other" by talking about BDSM and D/S, most likely "forming a connection with a compatible person" is not what is on their minds.

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(in reply to Tashee)

Post #: 39

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/16/2008 9:00:53 PM

sensualwordz

Posts: 26
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Let me give you a little insight from a guy who has done this for a while.

You need a lot more than just kink and play to make something like this worth repeating. There has to be a foundation of attraction that makes someone want to include you in a lot of other enjoyable things too. One of the biggest mistakes a newbie makes, is getting tunnel vision that focuses on kink by itself.

As far as these others,I would just be looking at what sorts of personality types they were-learn to avoid such and move on. Because it's about them, not you.

Or they would at least have enough compassion to say what the issue was, rather than just be cowards and run away.

WOW How insightful
and   i think i needed to hear exactly these words tonite
I have been aware for a while that I am attracted to men/doms that are unattainable.. Probably trying to prove something from my past/childhood.   But yea, as long as we keep pursuing the same "types" we are going to get the same results.
I, like the original poster, also have had long talk periods, a few nilla dates...then play and poof they are gone
But, life is a work in progress and as long as we learn
I have just been involved in the beginnings of a relationship, one that i see is following my old trends, and im recognizing it. Why sell myself short going somewhere i should not go.   Because in the end it will not be good for me.
So Im breaking the trend,   Im not pursuing what i already know wont work.
So im just glad to hear these words

to the original poster, may i suggest, through my own learning and experience, look into what you are talking about, during these long talk sessions. You may be giving away the fact that you are lonely, needed and vulnerable and perfect prey for someone who wants a one night stand

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 40

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