RE: the day after sex cold shoulder

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: the day after sex cold shoulder

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/16/2008 9:09:51 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Chaze

I so agree, the chase, the challenge, the victory sweetest when the battle fought the hardest... yet victory offers both path and passion for the next challenge and it too offers an exciting unknown reward.
So it is, boredom dulls the sword and the same woman day after day is boredom itself.

I agree chaze. Except I'd change it to "the same man day after day is boredom itself". Especially a man like you.

BTW, why don't you have an active profile? Too many women chasing you?

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to Chaze)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/17/2008 8:52:42 AM

MsLilac

Posts: 151
Joined: 5/31/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tashee

Have other submissives had this happen. Please tell me, I'm getting confused and very hurt feelings. I need to figure out what are the signs before this happens again.

I meet someone new, who's attentive and takes it slow. We talk for months and meet several times without any play or sex. Everything's going great and I feel like we're really getting close. Finally I'm ready to take it deeper and with much discussion we enter into a physical relationship. So far, so good. The play and sex are great, everyone acts very happy and makes plans with me for the future.

Then, nothing. The calls stop the next day, the messages aren't answered, or only replied to in a cool and short way. Suddenly they aren't interested and become distant. No admission by them that I did anything wrong or wasn't what they wanted. Just a cold shoulder and silence.

This has happened in the last 3 relationships I got into. None were casual, and all pursued me with great interest until the Day After sex or play. Literally, the next day all intimate conversation stopped. Once with a Dom, once with a Couple, and once with a Domme. It's kicking my self esteem and making me very wary, but wariness without understanding what caused this is useless. How can you tell if someone's all about the chase, or whether I'm doing something so wrong that it turns people off and they won't tell me?

I haven’t read all the responses here, but the ones I have seem to offer insight. Just wanted to add something though.

Maybe your bullshit detectors aren’t primed high enough? I notice you say “with much discussion we enter into a physical relationship”. I can only guess, but I would be wary of the sex/play type ‘much discussion’, particularly if that seems to be the main focus for your potential, and particularly in the early stages. Going along with “much discussion” of it is giving off a certain vibe. Instigating “much discussion” of it is giving off a certain vibe. You could be giving the impression that it’s your primary focus as well. But I am just guessing, without knowing precisely what happened, it's hard to tell.

Like others said, you could just be having a run of bad luck. Some people will say anything to get a suitor into bed.

Don’t let it knock your self confidence, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with you. There may be something wrong with your filtering process. I looked at your profile, and I think it’s well written and insightful about you, but it does seems a little vague in what you seek, which is to be expected as you are ‘new’ to it all - but right now, your profile is attracting anything. My suggestion is taking this experience, and turn it into something positive. Now would be a good time to use this experience to try and identify further and learn what you seek, and how you are going to go about attracting what you seek AND what you need.

Another bit of good advice I read was to get into your local scene.

But, really don’t beat yourself up about it. Good luck

_____________________________

I’m sorry, I don’t do autographs

(in reply to Tashee)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/17/2008 10:59:39 AM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline

might it not just be that people like to have her once..because (in my eyes) she looks very good. Just like a trofee and then dump her?
Does happen in vanilla life too.

just a thought..a bit different from things mentioned already

< Message edited by Justme696 -- 2/17/2008 11:26:43 AM >

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to MsLilac)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/17/2008 11:20:10 AM

newlychaste

Posts: 70
Joined: 1/24/2008
Status: offline

Tashee, it's not you.
"You're the lowest common denominator" in every rain storm and sunny day you see. But that doesn't mean you had a choice. "You're the lowest common denominator" in every airline flight you take that doesn't crash. But that doesn't mean you're a good luck charm for airplanes.

Correlation does not imply causality. You're the center of your own little universe--as are we all--but that doesn't mean that you're the cause of everything that happens within that you-centered system. Don't let that kind of commentary bother you.

I've dealt with the same situation now for quite some time, and the first time someone said "what's your problem?" it immediately clicked that it's not my problem.

Just be unafraid to raise your hopes up for every person that you meet, strong enough to let it hurt and let it pass, and patient enough to go through it all again. It's not you at all. We live in a strange time in a strange nation, and don't think it doesn't take a toll on humanity at large. Questions I might encourage you to consider are the following:
- Did these people have anything at all in common (other than kink)? I'd imagine not.
- Did you learn from each of the experiences, and adapt? You probably did.
- Do you regret it? It sounds like you might. Live courageously.

It's not your fault.
Oh. One last thing--you may not be able to choose sunshine or rain, but you can always move. :) A different country, perhaps?

---
"The dude abides."

< Message edited by newlychaste -- 2/17/2008 11:44:50 AM >

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/17/2008 11:23:53 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Chaze

Wake up girl, the man dumped a load in you, be thankful for the time he took away from others and gave you. He allowed you to serve his need at the moment; you should be very grateful and stop complaining like some haughty undersexed waddler.

See... when I read something like this it makes me think teenage guys trying to cover up the fact that they have no sexual skills whatsoever. If a man gives the impression that something will be longer than one night and then disappears, he's a liar and not a man, but a pitiful child who couldn't get laid under any other circumstances.

One night stands are all well and good - but if a male lacks the required skill to entice a woman to "serve his needs" for one night only, he must accept that he does not possess those qualities and that he isn't something wonderful that all women long to serve under any circumstance.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Chaze)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/17/2008 2:23:55 PM

BlackPhx

Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline

Tashee;

There can be a great many factors that cause this, and very few of them have to do with you. Yes, you may be "choosing" the wrong partners over and over, we tend to do that until we have someone (a friend) nudge us out of that groove. Yes things may have been focused far too much on the physical kink in discussions. That is also a mistake many make in their hunger for this life choice.

None of us can answer the question fully, because we are not the people who have done this to you and therefore we don't know their reasons. We can at best speculate and base it on our own experiences.

I have to admit I have done something similar to "doms' in the past. Up to and including that first dance everything can be "perfect" mostly because both of us are filling in the fantasy. Then reality hits, and compatability flies out the window. Nice friend ( if I was seeking a friend) but, as a partner..no go.

Reasons have included:

Hygene (including smells)
Over eager must play with every toy in their bag and they brought a rolling steamer trunk.
Needy to the point I wanted to tell them see a shrink not a SAM. Not exposed in talks they could talk the talk until up close and personal.
Couldn't dominate a 6 week old puppy. Back to the Talk the talk but not walk the walk.
Broke a negotiated hard limit within the play period. There are some things that until i am sure of the persons skills and have some trust in them, just tain't gonna happen. I like living.

Generally speaking they do get a thank you very much but I don't think we are going to work, but in a few cases it was run don't walk to the nearest exit.

None of these may apply to you, again without knowing you, it's impossible to say what went on. Chalk it up to experience, sit back and take a deep breath and go back through the conversations you did have and the emails. were there Red Flags you ignored for the fantasy they and you projected together.

Did you get to know them as people or did you treat them as Life Support Systems for a Whip?
In your eagerness to please did you forget to respect yourself? Your Limits?
Did you top from the bottom, telling them when, how and where to use something.
Did you possibly scare them, go all quiet or psycho sub on them (not really psycho but More, More, More making them feel inadequate)?
Do you truly know what you are seeking in a Dominant? Are you projecting the "No Emotional Attachment" or "I want the One" when you are talking with these people?

Take some time and analyze what you want and need and how you present yourself, and don't rush into things. Get to know them as friends and people before you ever consider them as Dominant to you. Sub Frenzy can be a bit startling when you are first playing with someone. Clubs and play parties can satisfy that hunger without the sex and committment. Oddly enough you may find just what you are seeking there.

poenkitten (wishing you luck)

(in reply to Tashee)

Profile

Post #: 46

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/17/2008 2:59:38 PM

nwcutie102

Posts: 162
Joined: 1/13/2008
Status: offline

you are very beautiful.... probably sweet too. a foolish man to let you go

(in reply to sillyfrillyboy)

Profile

Post #: 47

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/17/2008 3:04:57 PM

Sundowner

Posts: 2549
Joined: 3/11/2007
Status: offline

Hi Tashee

I'm not clever enough (and not enough info to work on) to suggest reasons for the cold shoulder.

But you say "It's kicking my self esteem", so may I offer one of my favourites - it's a great basis for building inner calm and helping you be at peace with yourself:

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Doesn't actually answer your question; but combine those philosophies with your undoubted beauty and you will have a wonderful life.

(in reply to Tashee)

Profile

Post #: 48

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/17/2008 5:46:27 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

The previous offered by sundowner is Desiderata, by Max Ehrmann, Copyright 1952. I looked it up because I found it calming during a time that I needed calming.
Thank you, Sun downer, for bringing this to my attention.

~Christina

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to Sundowner)

Profile

Post #: 49

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/19/2008 8:45:25 AM

Sundowner

Posts: 2549
Joined: 3/11/2007
Status: offline

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Profile

Post #: 50

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/19/2008 10:41:58 AM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

Hey Tashee, dont take it personal!! You look like a very pretty girl and for sure one of those that you will meet will be more suitable for you.. If you feel the cold shoulder make sure you ask for your coat back hony.

_____________________________

Chief: Max, you realize you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Max: And loving it!

(in reply to sillyfrillyboy)

Profile

Post #: 51

RE: the day after sex cold shoulder - 2/19/2008 2:11:56 PM

CarrieO

Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Some people just like the chase and conquer aspects. It happens with vanilla relationships, too. You can't control them, but what you CAN do is look at what's similar between each of these people and how you chose them, then change what YOU are doing.

Master Fire

Tashee....I'm sorry to hear that you're going thru this but everyone is right in that it's not just a bdsm thing. I've experienced this and I'm starting to learn that it's not just them. The "needness" factor I find to be amusing, some of these Doms seem to enjoy the mind games and the process of making you needy. Once there, they either can't or don't want to deal with it. That's fine.....developing a tougher skin is an important thing....in many ways.
Good luck and know that you're not alone. Peace.....carrie

btw....I choose to quote Master Fire because he said it best and so simple.....look inward.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Profile

Post #: 52