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Are Dommes supposed to have feelings? - 2/7/2008 1:29:20 PM

MstrsWicked

Posts: 8
Joined: 1/22/2008
From: Lake Balboa (SFV), CA
Status: offline

Are we supposed to get attached to our pets? Or is that too vanilla?
Is it reasonable for a Domme to expect to be the primary relationship in a submissive's life, even if he isn't her primary?
I am tempted to say: "It's my world, I make the rules", but does that really work? I mean, from the practical point of view.
I'm sorry if this is just rambling... there's a lot on my mind right now, and I am just trying to sort it out. Any help would be appreciated.

Post #: 1

RE: Are Dommes supposed to have feelings? - 2/7/2008 1:37:15 PM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

It is not uncommon for Doms to have more than one sub (slave, pet, whatever) and feel a type of affection for each yet expect to be the only Master (or perhaps lover) in their lives. Why should it be different for Mistresses? I see it as a right of the lifestyle. (I say this as a Mistress who chooses not to be sexual with her subs but to save that for a Daddy Dom - who does expect me to be sexual and have a strong affection for only him even though he has other subs. I know that he cares deeply for me and is looking out for my best interests but isn't a monogamous person.)

I had started to feel hurt because I was getting respect for being a Mistress but felt like no one cared who I actually was; they worshipped the title. That's when I decided that I needed to take care of my OWN emotional life. We will each make different choices, but I chose a man that I wanted to give both my body and mind to. Of course you are allowed to have feelings. Nurture them and enjoy them.

(in reply to MstrsWicked)

Post #: 2

RE: Are Dommes supposed to have feelings? - 2/7/2008 1:50:42 PM

atursvcMaam

Posts: 1195
Joined: 5/10/2004
Status: offline

imho, Ma'am,

it helps a great deal if Y/you are both pretty straightforward about Y/your feelings. Communication is the key. i have recently had a great deal of difficulty, which i am still trying to resolve, in judging Her feelings. She was/is reserved and not as demonstrative in day to day things, and i misinterpreted this as distancing Herself.
Talk it out, and know where You want things to be. Let the other know that as well. it is not easy, but it works most of the time. (nothing works all the time) Good luck and Good wishes.

_____________________________

live hard, die young and leave a good looking corpse when you die.
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(in reply to MstrsWicked)

Post #: 3

RE: Are Dommes supposed to have feelings? - 2/7/2008 1:53:13 PM

darchChylde

Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline

i've looked in all kinds of fetish shops and have yet to see the leather bustier that makes a woman into something other than human. And yes, it does work in a practical sense, Ma'am loves me and leaves me no room to doubt. Not so much in that She says it, though She does; but that She makes me feel it on a level beyond anything i could have imagined the night i walked into a karaoke bar for my first social.

Ds involves love and tenderness as much as it involves being stern and harsh. Truly loving and/or caring for your submissive may make many things more difficult, but i would like to believe that the connection between a loving dominant and her devotes sub is worth it.

ps: Though i've said it before, i'm going to say it again. Alot of people seem to see the words Dominant Woman; focusing entirely on the Dominant and forgetting the Woman, when the Woman is just as important as the Dominant, if not more. Of course, this is only my opinion.

< Message edited by darchChylde -- 2/7/2008 1:58:30 PM >

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

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(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 4

RE: Are Dommes supposed to have feelings? - 2/7/2008 3:34:46 PM

Parataxis

Posts: 56
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I'd be much more worried if you didn't get attached to people you're in a relationship with - I mean really, what's the point of a LTR if there isn't an emotional connection? I certainly wouldn't stay in a relationship with a submissive if I didn't feel something for them - if I just wanted people to hit and tie, I can find that anywhere. ;)

Regarding your other question (and you may want to double-post that to the polyamorous section, just to get more replies), the answer is... could be.

It is reasonable (and it works) if everybody in it agrees that it's reasonable and wants to make it work. It's equally reasonable though to say that a poly relationship is a poly relationship, and either party can have other relationships (although you may feel more comfortable if yours was the only D/s relationship with him).

Personally (and this is strictly how I do things for myself, YMMV) I'm not a fan of unbalanced poly relationships - regardless of power-exchange within them. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where the 'play outside' rules were different for me and for my lover. But if you can find somebody who is okay with that, then yes, it's absolutely reasonable to do so.

(in reply to MstrsWicked)

Post #: 5

RE: Are Dommes supposed to have feelings? - 2/7/2008 5:18:30 PM

MistressVnus

Posts: 1036
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Central Florida
Status: offline

I don't know how to really put this to you other than describing it as a double edged sword.
The best example I can give you ......like your prodigy.
You love your offspring, however, you must be able to distance yourself enough to put your foot down.
If you have become emotionally involved in such a way that you have become unable to do this, the Domination factor will fade. The submissive will begin to test you. Manipulate you. You will start to give in. They will begin to run riot over you. When what they really want is DISCIPLINE and structure. Often, discipline and structure means love.
And, hence, the "lifestyle"dynamic you came into has vanished and most likely, so has your partner.
I often see people come looking for WIITWD for all the wrong reasons. Kind of like that song..."looking for love in all the wrong places." Which isn't to say you can't love someone in these dynamics. But if you come as a Dominant, and you lose your Dominance or aren't "really" a Dominant person, you will lose your submissive, if they really "need" to be submissive. And, vice versa. If you come as a submissive, but can't submit (instead pose consistant power struggles), you will lose your Dominant.
I can't speak for everyone else but, FOR ME, it is a "NEED." A part of who I am.
I love my slave's with all my heart. But I try to stay away from the notion of being "in love." I mean, think about it...do you love your family, or are you "in love" with your family.
You can have all the emotion you want. I just try to remember the fine line of boundaries and where they must stay for the fullfillment of My Dominance and "their" submission. If, indeed, that is what we are really together for, among other things.
You know, there are many factors to a succesful relationship in the vanilla world. Love, sex, compatability, financial comfort levels....et al. Take all that and add one more factor...a "need" to Dominate, control.....and a "need", to submit, give over one's will (be taken).
In other words...have the emotions (feelings). But, control the emotions. Don't let them control you.

< Message edited by MistressVnus -- 2/7/2008 5:22:59 PM >

_____________________________

In the ties that bind,
Mistress Venus
http://www.mistressvenus.com

"I'm not IN the lifestyle. The lifestyle is in Me!"

(in reply to MstrsWicked)

Post #: 6

RE: Are Dommes supposed to have feelings? - 2/7/2008 5:39:40 PM

DommeKimberly

Posts: 73
Status: offline

I think it makes any relationship better if one has some feeling towards her partners.

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I just am who I am, blunt and truthful.

(in reply to MistressVnus)

Post #: 7

RE: Are Dommes supposed to have feelings? - 2/7/2008 6:42:36 PM

MsCfromMelbourne

Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline

Are we supposed to get attached? Would we be asking this question if we were male Dominants?

I personally think we can dominate people we know casually, as friends and as lovers. I think we can dominate either sex and any age. But sooner or later, you will want the joy of dominating a submissive lover. Why exclude partners/spouses from the pool of people you are capable of dominating?

If you cannot simultaneously dominate and love (and ...egads...even f*ck!) a submissive, I question if you are really a Dominant capable of a loving D/s relationship, or just enjoying some make-believe role play as "Mistress/slave".

Domination is an expression of love if the recipient is a submissive, in which case his or her submission is an expression of love for you too.

Again, what would we call a male Dominant who does not love his devoted female submissive? A user or player I believe. Same insults should apply equally to female Dominants IMO

Are we supposed to get attached? Yes, Domination is far more intimate (and fulfilling) when we are attached to them and they are attached to us. But I think many people look at the professional Dominatrix (in porn) and think that is the correct model for lifestyle D/s relationships. All cold, unattainable and aloof. That is fantasy!! Most pro-dommes are lifestyle Dommes too. They go home from work and love their partners just like any other warm blooded human being. Many even grow to love their clients, believe it or not.

If you can get your rocks off playing with strangers without attachment that's fine too (and we have all done it!), but sooner or later you will wonder why you don't turn pro-domme, since your D/s encounters are all technique and no emotion.

As for multiple partners, that is extremely vexed. Depends on the true intentions and feelings of the submissive men (and you), I am afraid, which does not remain static over time in real life, no matter how hard you try to "make the rules" and tell them how they must feel

Thoretically it can work if you have multiple submissives with clearly different (complementary) roles and all the men accept they must stay in their role (big IF!!!). [PS: it gets even more complicated if you are a switch with a male dom as your primary partner, because you have no hope of controlling your "Daddy Dom"'s feelings in this combustible mix]

For example, I had a French Maid for several years who was also my best friend. Loyal and loving, s/he outlasted all my other D/s relationships, despite the fact we never so much as kissed or hugged in all the years we lived together.

Then I had yummy sexual partners who were submissives (of course, because I am not a switch, so why would I have sex with tops or vanillas or remain celibate?). They accepted my best friend was the French Maid. My maid tended to quietly dislike my submissive lovers ....but his/her judgement always proved to be right

Throw a "non-sexual" slave into the mix. He was married and his wife gave him permission to be a slave. But he fell madly in love (against his orders of course) and became jealous of the other two. The other two were pissed off how the slave was muscling in and acting like the World's Most Devoted Boyfriend. I actually loved the slave (the way one loves a child or dog), but his dream was to replace the other two, marry me and live happily ever after.

End result? Utter chaos in the household, so I got rid of all three. And went emotionally monogamous after that. Much easier

OP, you need to explore your own questions by trial and error. Discover what style of dominant you are. Let yourself love some subs and get your heart broken a few times. Try poly and live through the emotional cyclones. Its all part of the charm of BDSM.

Sure, we have our answers, but its not as much fun as discovering your own the hard way

_____________________________

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(in reply to DommeKimberly)

Post #: 8

RE: Are Dommes supposed to have feelings? - 2/7/2008 7:58:31 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I've yet to not become attached. If being emotionally distant is in the rule book, I'm in trouble.

I understand that everyone is different, and not everyone has the same ideas on it as I do. I chalk that up to everybody doing what works for them, and I do what works for Me.

An emtional attachment has always existed between My subs and Myself. I'd go so far as to say that I've loved all of My boys, though I wouldn't make the statement of being 'in love' with all of them. Love, as was mentioned earlier, has a lot of different meanings. I know it isn't particularly on topic, but have you ever looked up the word in the dictionary? It has a fascinating number of definitions. Even better, it has definitions that can't be written. As MsC noted, there is such a bond and intimacy in wiitwd. I would certainly say that is a kind of love also. That might not be a particularly popular opinion, but it happens to be Mine.

_____________________________

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)

Post #: 9

RE: Are Dommes supposed to have feelings? - 2/7/2008 8:20:58 PM

MistressFaye1

Posts: 276
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrsWicked

Are we supposed to get attached to our pets? Or is that too vanilla?
Is it reasonable for a Domme to expect to be the primary relationship in a submissive's life, even if he isn't her primary?
I am tempted to say: "It's my world, I make the rules", but does that really work? I mean, from the practical point of view.
I'm sorry if this is just rambling... there's a lot on my mind right now, and I am just trying to sort it out. Any help would be appreciated.

MstrsWicked,

"A romantic attachment (also called pair-bonding) is a deep emotional bond to another individual. The tendency to form a deep emotional bond to another individual is an universal feature of human life. Adults form a deep emotional attachment based on intimate physical contact – kissing and cuddling, etc. If you have repeated intimate contact with another person, you will most likely form a deep attachment to that person. Once an attachment is formed – people want to spend more time together, feel safe and secure in each other’s presence, and they will experience loss when the relationship comes to an end."
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/relational_maintenance/public/romantic_attachments.html

We are woman and as humans we need attachments. To me, the D/s relationship is a powerful one and personally, for me there has to be an attachment on some level. Some attachments are stronger than others and the ones that are sexual in nature tend to bring stronger attachments. Also for me a submissive/slave can only truly serve one Mistress fully (unless there is an agreement of some sort agreement is made), therefore I expect to be primary and this is the reason I will not deal with married men that are submissive even if his wife is aware and approves of the arrangement.

Yes… you call the shots and that means you should do what will make you happy and keep you satisfied. The main thing to caution against is making the relationship seem “vanilla” by loosing the D/s dynamic. I got too “vanilla”, he said I was more like a “friend” and he left and said we can be friends.

Lesson learned: Attach to the man and stay attached to the flogger too!

Faye

_____________________________

You can put away your masquerade
You won't ever have to be afraid of Me
Open up your eyes and see what is in store
I must the One that you are searching for.

(in reply to MstrsWicked)

Post #: 10

RE: Are Dommes supposed to have feelings? - 2/7/2008 9:00:55 PM

rubberpet

Posts: 1743
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: The Land of Voodoo
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrsWicked

Are we supposed to get attached to our pets? Or is that too vanilla?
Is it reasonable for a Domme to expect to be the primary relationship in a submissive's life, even if he isn't her primary?
I am tempted to say: "It's my world, I make the rules", but does that really work? I mean, from the practical point of view.
I'm sorry if this is just rambling... there's a lot on my mind right now, and I am just trying to sort it out. Any help would be appreciated.

You said it best right there.

Every relationship is different. There is no one "correct" way to be a domme. Live in your world the way you want.

_____________________________

Collared and devoted property of Mistress Lorelei (vampchick88) as of 3/26/08.

Rubberpet - The Resident Anti-Subby and mysterious shadowy figure known as Voodoo, proud hitman and wiseguy for the Subby Mafia.

(in reply to MstrsWicked)

Post #: 11

RE: Are Dommes supposed to have feelings? - 2/7/2008 10:26:32 PM

DominaJayde

Posts: 110
Joined: 12/28/2007
From: Tasmania, Australia
Status: offline

I am attached to all my Boys, the feelings vary, but I would miss them if one decided he no longer wanted to be one of my Boys, is that wise?? I don't know, but I can't help being who I am.

DJ

_____________________________

letting go is a freedom in itself
http://fetishfandango.blogspot.com/

(in reply to rubberpet)

Post #: 12

RE: Are Dommes supposed to have feelings? - 2/7/2008 11:20:24 PM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

The fantasy is that she's a cold-hearted bitch and doesn't care. The reality is that she has to care to a certain extent. I'm pretty sure that if a domina didn't have feelings, she wouldn't much respect the limits and boundaries of her charge. Not caring runs you the risk of breaking your toys. Breaking your toys isn't usually good for having them to play with again.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to MstrsWicked)

Post #: 13

RE: Are Dommes supposed to have feelings? - 2/8/2008 1:06:59 AM

chivalrousknight

Posts: 5
Joined: 2/3/2008
Status: offline

I never play casual so for me creating a deep bond between me and my Mistress is the conditio sine qua non a relationship is based on. I like to get to know the Woman before I get to know the Mistress inside Her and I definely need to create a structure based on trust, respect and honesty. From my point of view a D/s relationship is not different from a vanilla one. The D/s side of it has the power to make it stronger and the sentimental that develops from it is deeper. In my eyes a Mistress with feelings for Her slave doesn’t lose any of Her mystical power. I would rather say the opposite. Is there anything better than resting your head on Her chest and feeling Her heart beating faster because of you are ?

CK
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mi ritroverai
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io cavalcherò
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per averti

(in reply to MstrsWicked)

Post #: 14

RE: Are Dommes supposed to have feelings? - 2/8/2008 9:53:20 AM

Araven

Posts: 149
Joined: 3/16/2006
Status: offline

I am deeply in love with my Mistress, and I know that the feeling is reciprocated. I don't think I would want to be in a relationship with somebody who didnt love me, or couldnt love me, or "be in" love with me as many others have stated. Of course I am her submissive, boy, and pet. But I am also her lover and friend. I believe we as people have multiple facets of our personality, and to the extent which we share ourselves with another person.. well.. I couldnt just share a submissive side, I have to share everything to submit.

I hope somebody can understand, but I suppose sometimes my feelings are my own.

(in reply to chivalrousknight)

Post #: 15

RE: Are Dommes supposed to have feelings? - 2/8/2008 10:41:06 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Where is it written that you should fall in love with your submissives. I have subs that I meet for sceening and after we go our own way. I see them as freinds not lovers. I think that is one of the biggest misconceptions on CM. "Im going to find a Dom/Domme and have them fall in love with me" Sometimes that happens. When it dose'nt the FAKE word comes out. I will stop here before I get on the soap box.

(in reply to Araven)

Post #: 16

RE: Are Dommes supposed to have feelings? - 2/8/2008 10:41:52 AM

PanthersMom

Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline

are Dommes supposed to have feelings? of course we are, how else to we find pleasure in what we do, get annoyed at a sub, get downright angry and so on? we have feelings and if we didn't, what would be the point of getting involved with anyone?

PM

_____________________________

That which does not kill me, better run pretty damn fast

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving!

(in reply to Araven)

Post #: 17

RE: Are Dommes supposed to have feelings? - 2/8/2008 11:16:05 AM

MstrsWicked

Posts: 8
Joined: 1/22/2008
From: Lake Balboa (SFV), CA
Status: offline

I am so thankful, to have a forum such as this to come to, I have learned so much from all of you and value each one of your opinions. I came into this lifestyle with a rather simplified idea of what it is all about, but I have evolved and learned. Therefore, my profile has been modified to present a more accurate picture of what it is I seek.
I, sincerely, thank you all,
Ms Wicked.

(in reply to PanthersMom)

Post #: 18

RE: Are Dommes supposed to have feelings? - 2/8/2008 12:06:10 PM

Chaze

Posts: 26
Joined: 1/31/2008
Status: offline

Dnomyar, "I have subs that I meet for sceening and after we go our own way. I see them as friends not lovers."
Madam I totally agree, I have female friends, I have female lovers and females I play with, none are one in the same and most certainly I have no emotional attachments with anyone of them. Neither do I offer more then moments, hours or a few days of my time.
More then that would bore the hell out of me.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 19

RE: Are Dommes supposed to have feelings? - 2/8/2008 2:03:01 PM

MmeGigs

Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrsWicked

Are we supposed to get attached to our pets? Or is that too vanilla?

If I avoid things because I'm worried that they might appear too vanilla, I'm not much of a dominant.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrsWicked
Is it reasonable for a Domme to expect to be the primary relationship in a submissive's life, even if he isn't her primary?

It's not unreasonable for a dom to want this. Whether she gets it or not depends on the limitations of the sub(s) she chooses. If this is what I want from a relationship I'll need to look for a fellow who can be happy in this situation.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrsWicked
I am tempted to say: "It's my world, I make the rules", but does that really work? I mean, from the practical point of view.

It does in my house because my hubby is a fellow who wants this to be my world where I make the rules. That's one of the reasons I chose him. There are other fellows out there with whom this point of view would make things a constant struggle - they want to have a say. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just not a dynamic that appeals to me.

(in reply to MstrsWicked)

Post #: 20

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