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Would you xyz for a Dom/me that DIDNT own you? - 2/8/2008 11:00:58 AM   
ThemisUnderfoot


Posts: 9
Joined: 2/8/2008
Status: offline 		  Sorry for the indescriptive title, not sure how to say this though.  So I met a Domme about 5 months ago, while I was in another relationship, I was looking at Her as a potiential play partner.  We didnt meet real life untill a month or so ago, after my relationship ended.  When we DID meet, it was amazing, we really hit it off, and that surprised us both.  Since then I have talked to Her everyday, for hours each day.  She lives about 5 hours away.  We both have been careful to remain logical and not get ahead of ourselves, after all we just met real life.  Heres the thing...She has changed the rules that She made.  At first She said She couldnt comand me to do things at a distance if She werent there to inforce them, and also added, She doesnt own me.  Well, She is a health nut, as time went by I was no longer allowed soda, (which She had good reason for, I have a bad liver and the high fructose corn syrup is bad for that) I was addicted to soda, and its good to not drink it, but I wonder why I obey when I dont have the commitment of Her being an owner.  Also I *was* a smoker, She knew this, wasnt a hard limit for Her, even after Wwe met and I left She said She cant interfer when I am not there.  Sure enough the order came to not smoke anymore, and without aide, cold turkey.  Yes, I needed to stop smoking, but its so hard, (She has never even known a smoker, so She honestly doesnt get it) I did once slip and smoked, and She was so upset, and really let me know I disappointed Her, (awful to hear as a sub but deserved) She still brings it up.  Today I was sitting there thinking about how I wanted a cigarette, but She said She would be so mad She wouldnt punish me, which is the worst punishment!  Then I started thinking, "hey, she doesnt own me, She said She wouldnt take these forms of control...hmm" So I wonder how others would feel, as I feel torn!
I love haveing the feeling of someone I adore taking this control, and taking it so fully, without doubting Herself, but then it bothers me, I told myself I wouldnt stop smokeing for a Domme who didnt collar me.  The thing is I am moving to live closer to Her, I am seeking Her collar, I do want to be Hers, but how far is it that She take the control without the title which would bring the responsibility of ownership?
To be far though, She did mention "fixing that" (not having a collar) And talked about ordering one, She refers to me as Hers...lol, ok I should be talking to Her about this!
My question is, what would other subs do for a Dom/me that strongly had their attention, but didnt own them?  And for smokers...would you quit smoking for a Dom/me
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Would you xyz for a Dom/me that DIDNT own you? - 2/8/2008 11:09:02 AM   
fullofgrace69


Posts: 99
Joined: 7/22/2006
Status: offline 		i'd talk to her like u said, but i've submitted in small ways for Doms that i've wanted to be owned by. i think for me at least if ur interested enough to wnt to submit to someone than u are naturally going to act in a submissive way towards people and they are going to take control. i wouldnt say this was necessarily bad but i''d chat and see where she thinks its going and stuff. :)

_____________________________


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(in reply to ThemisUnderfoot)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Would you xyz for a Dom/me that DIDNT own you? - 2/8/2008 11:11:15 AM   
greenearth21


Posts: 228
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline 		She can only do whatever power you allow her.  Maybe you like it...the idea of being owned and such.  Nothing wrong with it.  I think you can have such a relationship where you do as you are told (if you want to) as long as both parties don't see it as a sign that you are owned.  It is all in how you and She view the relationship.  If your heart likes the idea of being owned by her and you willfully do waht you are told...no problem.  But I think with your situation, if you keep wondering why you do this when you want that...you are going to drive yourself insane.  I can completely understand where you are coming from...but i'm not owned.  I don't do what I don't want to.  I guess thats the cool thing about being "in between".  You are able to submit, but you still have your freedom as you test the waters.  Just do what feels right to you and if an issue comes up, talk to each other about it.  If she's having fun and you are having fun...and there is no deception...party on.  Good luck

(in reply to ThemisUnderfoot)
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RE: Would you xyz for a Dom/me that DIDNT own you? - 2/8/2008 11:11:50 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It's just funny that you were happy with obeying and entering into this free form arrangement with no actual responsibility expected, UNTIL it got really hard and hit something you seriously are effected by everyday.

As I always say, if you skip steps, life will force you to go back and cover them.  That's what's going on here.

I'd do tons of things without a formal arrangement with someone, but I take responsibility that it's just my happening to choose what's going on and if I felt they ever started PRESUMING authority over me, I'd probably talk with them and work it out more clearly at that point.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to fullofgrace69)
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RE: Would you xyz for a Dom/me that DIDNT own you? - 2/8/2008 11:17:10 AM   
ThemisUnderfoot


Posts: 9
Joined: 2/8/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks both of you!  I do obey, because I do want Her to own me, or thus far I do, being owned is a HUGE thing, and if She did present a collar, I would only accept as something like an "under consideration" or something, to me a collar is the biggest commitment one can make, and the amount of time we have known one another wouldnt justify that, at least not a life long collar.  So I want to show Her I am very much interested, and long to please Her.  That would  be the why.  Other Dommes have tried to inforce what She has, and I refused, even though I liked them, a lot.  Truth is I am crazy about Her and want this to work, She manages to control me in a way that no one ever has.  What I really want to know is where do you other subs draw the line?  With someone you are interested in, and exploring a relationship with (in early stages) how far will you go? 

(in reply to greenearth21)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Would you xyz for a Dom/me that DIDNT own you? - 2/8/2008 11:17:22 AM   
sweetstorm


Posts: 227
Joined: 5/3/2004
Status: offline 		I have willingly followed commands given by a Dom I was just communicating with but it was always willing, nothing I'd been asked to do that was against my will. Sometimes it's the submitting that gives me a little thrill, just the following of command... you miss it if it isn't there for awhile, ya know?

Would I do something major for someone who hadn't collared me? Probably not. But then again, that can be a part of the "courting" process too, a sort of testing.


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You don't need a parachute to skydive.

You need a parachute to skydive twice.

(in reply to ThemisUnderfoot)
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RE: Would you xyz for a Dom/me that DIDNT own you? - 2/8/2008 11:20:50 AM   
sweetstorm


Posts: 227
Joined: 5/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThemisUnderfoot

Thanks both of you!  I do obey, because I do want Her to own me, or thus far I do, being owned is a HUGE thing, and if She did present a collar, I would only accept as something like an "under consideration" or something, to me a collar is the biggest commitment one can make, and the amount of time we have known one another wouldnt justify that, at least not a life long collar.  So I want to show Her I am very much interested, and long to please Her.  That would  be the why.  Other Dommes have tried to inforce what She has, and I refused, even though I liked them, a lot.  Truth is I am crazy about Her and want this to work, She manages to control me in a way that no one ever has.  What I really want to know is where do you other subs draw the line?  With someone you are interested in, and exploring a relationship with (in early stages) how far will you go? 



When in doubt, talk it out!

Bring it up to Her and talk about what you are interested in and see if it is the same thing as she does. Too often I've found that when it comes down to "Will you take me on then, as a submissive?" they were just looking for a play partner and I was convenient at the time.

_____________________________

You don't need a parachute to skydive.

You need a parachute to skydive twice.

(in reply to ThemisUnderfoot)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Would you xyz for a Dom/me that DIDNT own you? - 2/8/2008 11:30:41 AM   
ThemisUnderfoot


Posts: 9
Joined: 2/8/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

It's just funny that you were happy with obeying and entering into this free form arrangement with no actual responsibility expected, UNTIL it got really hard and hit something you seriously are effected by everyday.

As I always say, if you skip steps, life will force you to go back and cover them.  That's what's going on here.

I'd do tons of things without a formal arrangement with someone, but I take responsibility that it's just my happening to choose what's going on and if I felt they ever started PRESUMING authority over me, I'd probably talk with them and work it out more clearly at that point.


Lucky, I am not really saying I am unhappy, just confused I guess.  I like that She inspires this sort of devotion, I enjoy submiting in ways that are hard for me and push me.  I just really wonder about myself and my feelings for Her, another Domme wouldnt manage this, I would say "sorry, no collar, I keep smoking"  And with Her I didnt even really mind, its HARD yes, but I like it, and feel closer to Her for it.  Nothing bad can come from not smoking, other than me being bitchy, *wink*  Just today when I was thinking of smoking or drinking a soda I thought about why I couldnt, and how badly it would hurt to disappoint Her, then I started thinking about what if this isnt going anywhere, what if I am more commited to Her, and why She is reluctant to take ownership yet happy to give out commands that are normally reserved for a more serious relationship...which I think I need to post about on "Ask a Mistress"

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Would you xyz for a Dom/me that DIDNT own you? - 2/8/2008 11:32:35 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		I would be having a lot of serious conversations about compatibility and realistic expectations for steps as people form a relationship.

As LA wrote this sounds like steps missed and unequal and confusing effort and intention from both people. There is it hard to do when reality suddenly hit us in the face and there is hard to do because so far doing them is a one way street as you are really not getting any discipline, reward, punishment and other type of things that normally help us stay our course. Because of distance or other reasons you are not getting what you need in these steps to be able to do these things and your examples are tough ones to do for anyone at anytime.

Just from your examples my opinion is her requests, limitations of the distance and general time together just do not sound like they fit the journey toward a collar.

Is she doing these specific ones just because in order to live together she really does not want a smoker so this has become more about if it is worthwhile to her to continue down this path?


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to ThemisUnderfoot)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Would you xyz for a Dom/me that DIDNT own you? - 2/8/2008 11:36:39 AM   
ThemisUnderfoot


Posts: 9
Joined: 2/8/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetstorm

I have willingly followed commands given by a Dom I was just communicating with but it was always willing, nothing I'd been asked to do that was against my will. Sometimes it's the submitting that gives me a little thrill, just the following of command... you miss it if it isn't there for awhile, ya know?

Would I do something major for someone who hadn't collared me? Probably not. But then again, that can be a part of the "courting" process too, a sort of testing.



You are right about the courting process, I dont think She would have given this order before, or after had we not hit it off the way we did.  She at first only wanted a play partner, or if something more serious, not a deep submissive, She has stated several times that untill we met She didnt want the deeper forms of control that She now wants with me.  Also in obeying these orders it is my way of showing Her that yes, I do want to be Hers. Yes I am serious, and yes I do really want to please Her, even when its not really pleasing me.

Titles shouldnt make such a difference, and yet it seems that I am a little bothered by the lack of one here, I may be going to see Her this weekend (we will see, her son is sick She just called and said we may need to cancel) If I do go it will be a good chance to see how She acts with me, and a better chance to talk about this stuff rather than on the phone (plus get to find out what She means by fixing the lack of collar)

Thanks again everyone!

(in reply to sweetstorm)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Would you xyz for a Dom/me that DIDNT own you? - 2/8/2008 11:37:02 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		I would like to add about drawing the line.

Relationships are 50/50 effort but on the whole and not one moment in time.

Generally I would give up power equal to the responsibility and commitment the other is taking in me which from your posts are not equal. At the same time though she may have really good reasons why this is not equal currently and as others have mentioned a frank and direct conversation about that would be a very good thing.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to ThemisUnderfoot)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Would you xyz for a Dom/me that DIDNT own you? - 2/8/2008 11:40:29 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThemisUnderfoot
My question is, what would other subs do for a Dom/me that strongly had their attention, but didnt own them?  And for smokers...would you quit smoking for a Dom/me



How far I would go would depend on how the relationship progressed and how much we attracted. There's nothing wrong with doing tasks for someone who doesn't own you, especially if you are working on creating a dynamic to see how it feels.

(in reply to ThemisUnderfoot)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Would you xyz for a Dom/me that DIDNT own you? - 2/8/2008 11:46:06 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		I would not do much for one who did not own me.  When and IF i took someone as a Dom then you can tell me what to do not before.  I met several Doms before i met my wonderful Master and i did not take orders from them.  If it was a request and nothing major i might have granted it.  With My Master no matter what he wants me to do (within my hard limits) i do.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Would you xyz for a Dom/me that DIDNT own you? - 2/8/2008 11:50:38 AM   
ThemisUnderfoot


Posts: 9
Joined: 2/8/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: toservez

I would be having a lot of serious conversations about compatibility and realistic expectations for steps as people form a relationship.

As LA wrote this sounds like steps missed and unequal and confusing effort and intention from both people. There is it hard to do when reality suddenly hit us in the face and there is hard to do because so far doing them is a one way street as you are really not getting any discipline, reward, punishment and other type of things that normally help us stay our course. Because of distance or other reasons you are not getting what you need in these steps to be able to do these things and your examples are tough ones to do for anyone at anytime.

Just from your examples my opinion is her requests, limitations of the distance and general time together just do not sound like they fit the journey toward a collar.

Is she doing these specific ones just because in order to live together she really does not want a smoker so this has become more about if it is worthwhile to her to continue down this path?



Great response toserve! 

First, yes the distance does make it hard to stick to something as extream as this.  Though I think She does what She can...When I do again see Her there will be a punishment *cringe* As well as other things I have done wrong (lack of respect in speaking and so on)  She has proved to be good about staying on top of these, when I went to see Her before I was surprised at what She remembered She "owed" me for.  Also there was a very long talk when I told Her I had slipped and smoked, the "I am disappointed" speech kills me, and is the worst part of a punishment.  The thing is I dont really get the "I am proud" one...Part of that is She honestly doesnt understand how hard it is, and I smoked once, so in Her mind She shouldnt be proud (or so it seems)
Also we do have LOTS of contact everyday, which helps me stay on track, She gives me more guidance then my last owner, and that was live in.  The distance is hard for us both, and not ideal, which is why I am moving closer, we are not taking a live in leap, but we need to be closer to see where it can go.
She is not doing the not smoking one because of not wanting to live with a smoker, we will never do live in, what She seeks, if it does work out is me living very close and coming over to serve, yet us having our own space, She is married, with a child, and live in is not what She seeks, though She does want a very strong relationship. When I was there, she really didnt even notice the smell of the smoke, its a health thing

(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Would you xyz for a Dom/me that DIDNT own you? - 2/8/2008 12:18:26 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Yes, I do think it is a health thing. I believe that first, she should have some information on chemical addictions, so she knows HOW MUCH she is asking from you, and, secondly, you should try to follow her orders because they seem to be just something to help you. Sounds like she's kinda fallin' for ya...
I know it's very difficult.
In fact, with my first Dom, it was long distance, and he wanted me to give up Cokes, and I couldn't. We are no longer together.
I wish you well.

~Christina

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to ThemisUnderfoot)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Would you xyz for a Dom/me that DIDNT own you? - 2/8/2008 12:37:35 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If I were a smoker and someone who not only didn't smoke, but didn't bother to research how addictive it is, and how difficult it is to stop commanded me out of the blue to quit in a way that almost guaranteed relapse if not outright failure, then I would first remind them that they had given their word not to try to control this, and second rethink their suitability as a partner simply because they wouldn't bother to take the time to help me succeed. I certainly wouldn't accept punishment for something they had promised not to interfere with. She broke her word, you didn't break yours.

Any time this major a realignment of a relationship is wanted, open communication about it should happen first.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Would you xyz for a Dom/me that DIDNT own you? - 2/8/2008 1:07:21 PM   
PanthersMom


Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline 		she has your best interests at heart when trying to get you to comply with these demands, it's not like she's asking you to violate something important, some morally questionable principal or something.  maybe she's testing your resolve, trying to find out how far your submissiveness goes, maybe giving you that kick in the pants to be healthier in the future you could possibly share.  i wouldn't bitch too much about it, you admit both habits were unhealthy.  i did sinilar things back in my submissive period and ended up better off whether or not the dominant in question and i continued or not.

PM

_____________________________

That which does not kill me, better run pretty damn fast

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving!




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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Would you xyz for a Dom/me that DIDNT own you? - 2/8/2008 1:22:17 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		So people are saying it's ok for someone to take authority in a certain regard without offering up responsibility or active long term participation as long as it's what most people define as a "good healthy habit"? 

For me the fact that she seems to be giving mixed signals and has not yet offered any sincere long term commitment or actual responsibility in training the person to how she wants him to be is highly questionable.

I've known lots of subs who start down the easy path and then when it gets hard suddenly feel stuck because they want to keep being "the good slave" but have finally come up against something that they should have discussed beforehand and is now causing some inner turmoil.  And since the dominant has not had to take any real active part BEFORE now, the slave often feels guilty for causing the dom to really put any effort forth at all.

Bad cycle. 

Now, I'm not saying that's what HAS to happen or happens all the time, and it's very easily mitigated by the slave letting go of their guilt and admitting they need to go back a few paces and the dom not throwing a hissy fit- but the fact that it's "the good healthy choice for your life" is pretty irrelevant in this case to me.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to PanthersMom)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Would you xyz for a Dom/me that DIDNT own you? - 2/8/2008 2:44:21 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom
How far I would go would depend on how the relationship progressed and how much we attracted. There's nothing wrong with doing tasks for someone who doesn't own you, especially if you are working on creating a dynamic to see how it feels.


That's what happened with me.  I began submitting to him very quickly into our exchanges, before we even met, actually.  I couldn't help it, it just felt very natural.  We both progressed a natural course to see where we could bring this relationship, and if it would progress.  I actually preferred it that way - I was too skittish at the time and too afraid to be owned, and he progressed me at a pace that was comfortable for me.

I had just quite smoking a couple of weeks before we first spoke.  He won't own someone who smokes, and tells any smoker she will have to quit before meeting him and serving him.  At that point, it's up to her to determine how much she wants it, and if it's worth the effort. 

Sure it's hard to quit.  Harder for some than others.  And it's a deal breaker for some folks and not for others.  Master has no interest in a girl who is submissive to her addiction.  His no smoking rule has prevented me from starting up again during very stressful times.

In my case, as we progressed toward ownership, I submitted as though I were owned, and he conducted me as such, too.  We laugh now, in retrospect, as it is obvious to me now I was owned before I ever admitted it.  :)

I know the difficulties of addiction.  My family is fraught with them and I have battled my own.  The question is, what do you want to serve now - your potential owner, or your addiction?   And what effort do you want to put into that service?

(in reply to batshalom)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Would you xyz for a Dom/me that DIDNT own you? - 2/8/2008 2:53:56 PM   
AMaster


Posts: 814
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline 		I've never had anyone, mine or anothers "XYZ"  sounds like fun.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 20
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