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RE: Learning to despise a Dominant. - 2/8/2008 2:17:40 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		I do not despise my former dominant. We were happy for some time but things simply went wrong. He did some things wrong, so did I.

I consider it a red flag when a person talks about their exs in such negative terms.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Learning to despise a Dominant. - 2/8/2008 2:18:30 PM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		~fast reply~

I've only had one really bad experience. He was nuts. Really. Certifiable I think. He could come up with the most bizarre and twisted versions of what the truth was and make me feel like, when I offered what it was I was really doing when I bought the red sweater (or whatever inane activity that set him off), all I was giving him was excuses. He was SO good at being ... well ... crazy ... that he made me doubt my own actions even though I was the one who was living my actions. It was BIZARRE I say. And oh. Yeah. He would have friends call me and pretend to be other people, or he would send bizarre-o e-mails from accounts he opened, just to "catch" me doing whatever it was he thought I was doing. That was one wild ride. It didn't last long but any amount of time with a lunatic is too long.

(in reply to subtee)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Learning to despise a Dominant. - 2/8/2008 2:20:15 PM   
Aylee


Posts: 24103
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aylee

Learning to despise a Dominant?

You have GOT to be kidding me.

News Flash. . .

Rejection is a part of life.  Get over yourself already.

Pop some popcorn, put in a movie, and go on with your life.


You might want to note that I happen to be a top.


That answer was for anyone that would be inclined to sit around "despising" someone instead of moving on with their own life. 

_____________________________

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam

I don’t always wgah’nagl fhtagn. But when I do, I ph’nglui mglw’nafh R’lyeh.

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Learning to despise a Dominant. - 2/8/2008 2:20:18 PM   
subtee


Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline 		Shrimp dick crazy mofo

~hug~

Was he hard to get rid of? Did he stalk/harass you?

_____________________________

Don't believe everything you think...

(in reply to batshalom)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Learning to despise a Dominant. - 2/8/2008 2:21:30 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom

~fast reply~

I've only had one really bad experience. He was nuts. Really. Certifiable I think. He could come up with the most bizarre and twisted versions of what the truth was and make me feel like, when I offered what it was I was really doing when I bought the red sweater (or whatever inane activity that set him off), all I was giving him was excuses. He was SO good at being ... well ... crazy ... that he made me doubt my own actions even though I was the one who was living my actions. It was BIZARRE I say. And oh. Yeah. He would have friends call me and pretend to be other people, or he would send bizarre-o e-mails from accounts he opened, just to "catch" me doing whatever it was he thought I was doing. That was one wild ride. It didn't last long but any amount of time with a lunatic is too long.


There are subs like that too. Like I said, this attracts a lot of nutcases. Glad you got out in time..

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to batshalom)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Learning to despise a Dominant. - 2/8/2008 2:23:39 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aylee

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aylee

Learning to despise a Dominant?

You have GOT to be kidding me.

News Flash. . .

Rejection is a part of life.  Get over yourself already.

Pop some popcorn, put in a movie, and go on with your life.


You might want to note that I happen to be a top.


That answer was for anyone that would be inclined to sit around "despising" someone instead of moving on with their own life. 


I'm encouraging some self thought about how to avoid this-please go back and read the op. I'd like both sides to consider why it is that certain behaviors result in negative consequences.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to Aylee)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Learning to despise a Dominant. - 2/8/2008 2:41:42 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Sighs...it really bites when someone is so low, that they have to totally tear you down to be anything worthwhile.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to RavenStar)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Learning to despise a Dominant. - 2/8/2008 2:45:11 PM   
RavenStar


Posts: 6
Joined: 12/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Sighs...it really bites when someone is so low, that they have to totally tear you down to be anything worthwhile.


That it does.  Took me a while to learn that, but I finally understood it.  From my ex dominate's mistakes I flourish because I know what I will NOT make my subs do.  If I ever get the desire to be a dominate again.  I think I finally found the one. :)

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Learning to despise a Dominant. - 2/8/2008 2:46:41 PM   
sweetwenchie


Posts: 1993
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline 		i echo what Leatherist said.   Sounds like you have found someone to help you recover from the inside out.   That can make all the difference in the world.  You obviously have a great deal of inner strength to have not only survived, but overcome your past.  Kudos

_____________________________

"To make oneself an object, to make oneself passive, is a very different thing from being a passive object." - De Beauvoir

"You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." - Nietzsche

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Learning to despise a Dominant. - 2/8/2008 3:21:27 PM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

Shrimp dick crazy mofo

~hug~

Was he hard to get rid of? Did he stalk/harass you?


~chuckle~ Thanks, tee.

He did, in fact, stalk me, but he did it in other guises, like sending "anonymous" flowers from "anonymous" other men I'd never heard of, having coworkers call me to ask me out, and I'm sure he followed me some.

I made the horrible mistake of sending him a birthday greeting a few months after it was over and he started all his crazy shit all over again. Did you know, in fact, ~conspiratorial tone~ that I sent that birthday greeting to remind him what a lying cunt whore I am? (Just wanted you to know that so that when I send you a birthday greeting you'll know what I'm really saying.) ~tickled~

(in reply to subtee)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Learning to despise a Dominant. - 2/8/2008 3:24:08 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenStar

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Sighs...it really bites when someone is so low, that they have to totally tear you down to be anything worthwhile.


That it does.  Took me a while to learn that, but I finally understood it.  From my ex dominate's mistakes I flourish because I know what I will NOT make my subs do.  If I ever get the desire to be a dominate again.  I think I finally found the one. :)


A bad example can often be the best refference of all. As long as one does not allow oneself to be consumed by the pain. Still, those twinges of memory are there to prod us-should we begin to follow those same paths of darkness ourselves.

So a degree of pain can have the benefit of not allowing us to to the same. You have my admiration-survivor.

< Message edited by Leatherist -- 2/8/2008 3:25:07 PM >

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to RavenStar)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Learning to despise a Dominant. - 2/8/2008 3:24:56 PM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

There are subs like that too. Like I said, this attracts a lot of nutcases. Glad you got out in time..


~laughing merrily~ The most disturbing thing of all is that I chose to be with him in the first place. We could argue that he was adept at hiding his ... err ... problematic side until things progressed a little, but I'm sure NRE blinded me to inconsistencies.

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Learning to despise a Dominant. - 2/8/2008 3:27:28 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

There are subs like that too. Like I said, this attracts a lot of nutcases. Glad you got out in time..


~laughing merrily~ The most disturbing thing of all is that I chose to be with him in the first place. We could argue that he was adept at hiding his ... err ... problematic side until things progressed a little, but I'm sure NRE blinded me to inconsistencies.


I continually rail against the dreaded  ROSE COLORED GLASSES.

I do have some slight reason for my obsession over it.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to batshalom)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Learning to despise a Dominant. - 2/8/2008 4:35:36 PM   
chiaThePet


Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline 		Despise, nah, I just fill the shampoo bottle with nair.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Learning to despise a Dominant. - 2/8/2008 4:43:19 PM   
LadyHathor


Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline 		There is a difference between a Top and a Dominant, so you will be skewed out of the  gate.

_____________________________

Lady Hathor, I am the Mistress Hathor of Orleans, I am what I am, often to the dismay and discomfort of others.

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Learning to despise a Dominant. - 2/8/2008 4:50:32 PM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist
Maybe some cautionary tales from subs will help the less sensitive Tops out there....understand why they keep ending up holding empty collars.


Which is less desirable: holding an empty collar because you wouldn't dominate her the way she wanted to be dominated or holding a leash attached to an occupied collar in one hand whilst holding the script she has written for you to follow in the other?

I'd take door number one.


(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Learning to despise a Dominant. - 2/8/2008 4:52:42 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist
Maybe some cautionary tales from subs will help the less sensitive Tops out there....understand why they keep ending up holding empty collars.


Which is less desirable: holding an empty collar because you wouldn't dominate her the way she wanted to be dominated or holding a leash attached to an occupied collar in one hand whilst holding the script she has written for you to follow in the other?

I'd take door number one.




Isn't there compromise between the two somewhere?  Where the needs and desires of the sub or slave can be respected without overcoming the needs and desires of the master?

(in reply to Evility)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Learning to despise a Dominant. - 2/8/2008 5:12:20 PM   
Gwynvyd


Posts: 4949
Status: offline 		Well the lifestyle does draw a ton of nutters. People who are looking to heal them.. meglomanicas who think they are Sensei Master Doms who can kill someone with a peice of paper.. and will impart this "grand and most secret knowledge" to a sub if only they study and worship them.. and of course have lots of kinky sex ( a friend of mines crazy Husband ~ yes he is on meds.. but doesnt always take them )

I think learning how to despise any Dominant first comes from that person not being what they advertise themselves to be. If you constantly put yourself out there as a "put together person" a person who has dominion over your own life.. and are there to offer a sounding board.. and a beacon.. and your real life is shit... then you lose face. If the morals you espouse and all that you say you are are only words and not the deeds you stand by... then how can any one stand with you. If you do not lead naturaly and feel the need to force your dominance on others in either words or deeds.. then being dispised is not far behind.
Being a dominant is so much more then owning a crop, a whip.. and being able to say a sharp word and smack someone with a bit of leather.
It comes from being a natural leader.. people wanting to follow you because you have that within you.. you have to firstly get *yourself* together enough to lead others. Do that first.. and others will naturaly wish to be at your side. No matter how verbose you are in an ad.. once a submissive sees beyond all of those words... and even the physical of the play they will chose with thier heart if you are right for them.

The last Dom I dated spoke all the right words... He knew I was a Domme, and said he was fine with it. He also had a Poly family.. and we were going to keep our families seperate.. but mingle. He had a primary he had for years.. just as I had mine. Only he was not 100% honest with her.. and she was very insecure in her place in his life. She didnt want poly. None of us knew this. She made everyone who dealt with him life a living hell. He ignored his primarys wishes and went in search of a harem. Every girl in turn hurting his primary more and more, and her reacting more and more agressive over it. He did not have enough dominion over himself to keep his libido in check long enough to deal with his primary and comfort her.. or decide not to keep her. It blew up in his face to the point where he had no one. He wanted to keep me as a little secret and I refused. I found out I had become pregnant by him ( one of those whoops moments) and he refused to speak with me or anything because he feared the reaction his primary would have. In my mind this is not the actions of a dominant. ( I miscarried with all the stress and crap that was going on. ) If you do not have control of yourself.. or the ability to deal with consequences of your actions.. then how can you give others advice? Durring this whole episode he kept telling me I was too leiniant with my girl.. I was not being a good Domme... I was doing things wrong in my life. *chuckles* even though I was not the one slapping velcro collars on anything with a heart beat and a vagina. I had even lent out my girl to do domestic service for his primary in all of this as a peace offering since I knew she was squicked by him seeing someone who was a Domme.  A couple of his lost girls who knew me still come to me and talk with me. I concider them like sisters. We went through a lot together.

So simply put.. have you own own house in order... be a natural leader... do not lead people on... do not worry about a harem... poly is fine.. but finding a special 5 or 6 at once is a bit much... and take care of your own shit first.

On my side of things.. I should have set his primary down and asked her up front why she was being so hostile. She professed severial times she was Ok with things.. when I asked but clearly she was not. With him.. I should have kicked his ass to the curb the first time he acted a fool. I was too trusting.

Gwyn

_____________________________

Self avowed Geek-Girl~
Come for the boobs, stay for the brains.

Be the kinda woman that when your feet hit the floor in the morning the Devil says "Oh shit, shes awake..."
~ Softandshy's "Shiney"

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Learning to despise a Dominant. - 2/8/2008 5:29:02 PM   
Gwynvyd


Posts: 4949
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist
Maybe some cautionary tales from subs will help the less sensitive Tops out there....understand why they keep ending up holding empty collars.


Which is less desirable: holding an empty collar because you wouldn't dominate her the way she wanted to be dominated or holding a leash attached to an occupied collar in one hand whilst holding the script she has written for you to follow in the other?

I'd take door number one.




Why is it that people feel in these realtionships communication and the ability to have that give and take isnt needed?

To be a "True" Dominant you have to be some unflexible emotionless juggernaut, who laughs in the face of the submissives requests for anything.

No realtionship works on a script.. however *every* type of realtionship requires flexability, and give and take on both sides.

Just a clue in.. females are emotional creatures.. if you are cold, unaproachable.. and act like you dont give a fig about thier emotional welfare.. then they will wisen up and find someone who does.

Most want someone who can tan thier ass, and claim thier heart all at the same time. It takes one hell of an man to be able to do that.

Just my thoughts on it.

Gwyn

_____________________________

Self avowed Geek-Girl~
Come for the boobs, stay for the brains.

Be the kinda woman that when your feet hit the floor in the morning the Devil says "Oh shit, shes awake..."
~ Softandshy's "Shiney"

(in reply to Evility)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Learning to despise a Dominant. - 2/8/2008 6:52:05 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

I'm sure it happens all of the time, and then you leave.

Maybe some cautionary tales from subs will help the less sensitive Tops out there....understand why they keep ending up holding empty collars.

What went so horribly wrong? But let's also be fair-admit your own part in it. Even if it was only putting up with abuse.


I was friends with a CM member here, and a femsub friend of herd took the framed set of rules she was supposed to follow (issued by her Dom) off the wall and chucked it across the room, shattering the glass and frame. (Happened during a heated argument.)

That story cracked me up. Somewhere along the line in that relationship, the Dom went from being "domly" to being an asshole taking undo advantage of his sub. If I recall, she had to: cook and clean, maintain a full-time job, watch whatever show he was watching on TV, keep house, and otherwise be grateful and submissive for his domly presence lulling about the household.

Ooops.... not the best LT formula.....

Being in a BDSM relationship is not an excuse for throwing one's common sense and sense of relationship equity out the window.

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 40
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