DisenchantedLife
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I slowly started to despise him. Little heart breaks that I couldnt bare thinking about, so I ignored. Oh he was a charmer all right. Really good with those words. As they say, a silver tongue. He was really good at turning things around. I would think he was being dishonest and fooling around behind my back.... we'd argue... and it was me.. always creating problems. Every 3 weeks to be excat.. if you ask him. I never could just be happy. He did this and that and this for me. I was just looking for problems. What a trouble maker I was! Always trying to find out "the bad" stuff, always looking to catch him in lies. I was so terrible and he was so patient, so good to me. Just look at all the wonderful things he did! Yet here I was... every 3 weeks (or whatever number he chosoe to insert) causing problems. So of course, I had to be punished. Sometimes it was for doubting him. How dare i doubt this wonderful man that loved me? Then the pain would start. Oh and I'd hold out. Sometimes I'd grab his weapons of torture (big mistake), sometimes my little body would manage to lift his body off of mine in an attempt to stop the pain. Once or twice, I'd just bolt. But damn him for being bigger, damn it for there being no where to go, and damn him for having handcuffs. And he'd drag me down the hall and i would laugh.. cos damn.. wouldnt want him to think i was seriously bolting. That wouldn't go well for me. Sometimes I'd just troop it out. It'd only last so long right? Sometimes, I'd be so damn angry I wanted to lob his head off. But he was kind and wise, loving too, and he'd continue laying the marks down until I couldn't hold tight much longer and I'd break. He'd come in, while I'm tied down to something, bawling my eyes out, and shush me. Telling me Daddy was there. Not to worry. Everything was okay... hugging me... being so sweet. Sometimes I'd still be angry. I could only hold onto that for so long. Eventually the love he was projecting to me would break through. And it would start again. Things would be fine....... until.
I wasn't always dense. Some where in me heard what everyone was saying. I took off once on him, in a strange place, with no shoes or money. Just a cell phone. But he called the cops and it freaked me out, so I called him. He cried. He was sorry. I had to get home some how. Running away wasn't going to be that easy after all. So i went home with him. Eventually there was trouble. And he would hug me and love me.... Until I wasn't looking again. I got lucky when he moved out. I didn't feel lucky. This man consuming my life, consuming me. Making me crazy. I didnt think i could survive with out him. Yet I did. I came back to myself. God bless my soul. I rebuilt myself. Watching him walk away, angry and hurt, yet I still rebuilt myself. I finally got to a place where I said "this has got to fucking end" He really helped it a long when I read all his emails. I think my heart broke that day. No matter how bad it had all been, I had held on to the fact that he loved me. To me, that had made it all ok. Dense really. My heart broke and he tried to heal it, once again. I started going out again, meeting people, having new experiences. He tried his old tricks. Beat me and than love me. Got me so good that time, that simply by using repeated strokes of a paddle, blood went flying. He amazed himself. Didnt work though. I had finally gotten back on my feet, finally moved myself emotionally away from him. I tried to end it. He didnt really agree. There was of course, consequences to pay. Ending it with him petrified me. Put me into panic attacks. Yet I'd try until I failed. I actually tried to end it many, many times. Always getting a healthy dose of threats and pain. It almost became hard to end it than it was to endure it. I started hoping to simply lose his interest again. I often contented myself with the fact that he wasnt really apart of my life anymore. So I did my own thing. At least I tried. He kept trying to pull his own tricks. When he'd make an appearance, and I'd be laying in bed late at night watching TV, he'd wrap his fingers around my neck. Sure it was scary. I'd agree to what he'd said. Of course. It wouldnt last long. He'd forget again. I often told myself, "if i just stop fighting him and look like i'm going with the program" - he'd just stop forcing it upon me. Slowly I just kept pushing him out of my life. Shutting down the ways he'd find to get into my head. He loved to find some "opening" and jump in my head. Bring me back to that sobbing little girl who just needed a hug. So, of course, he could step in and huuuuuuug me. Sometimes it worked, but something inside of me never let it last long. Back at it, I was again. Shutting him off, distancing myself. We went round and round like that for over a year. To be honest, it was a better cycle than the one before with him. Especially since every time I lost the battle of shutting him out, I learned a new strategy that would help in the long run.
Not long ago, I just couldnt. I had lost all respect and trust. I had lost everything. I looked at him and all I could see was his faults. His faults were magnified. He knew this. My behavior and attitude towards him was so changed. The girl that was so under his thumb was finally gone. He became desperate. He became a sniveling whiney baby. He often cried, begging my forgiveness, doing everything he though he could to "fix" things. I just looked at him in contempt. Once, he got down on his knees and kissed my feet. An attempt to gain my forgivness and all I could think was "my neighbors will see him.... oh good lord". He also thought (and with good reason) that having sex with me was a great way to get inside of my head. He was right. My defenses go down. So he'd force me into intercourse - doing his best to jump inside of my head. It'd work. For a moment. By this time i was so filled with contempt and disgust. This man who had trampled all over me, this man who I gave my soul, my heart, my love. He says he loves me, but does love do all that he's done? If he loved me, if had ever, would he condem me for thinking he was cheating on me behind my back, twist my mind, and than beat me for it? When it was the truth? He wanted me to believe thats love? All the other things. I was to forgive? When he finally had the balls to be honest, I was expected to just "Get over it". I heard so many times "its in the past", "stop bringing up the past".
Now he is just pathetic. He still crys. I still feel disgust and contempt. I hear his tears and I think of my tears. I think of others that he has affected and their tears. His tears, come last. I will shed no more. I will not allow him to be the reason I shed any more tears. When I finally got the balls (with the help of a lot of others) to finally break up with him........ all hell broke loose. He still can't be a man and admit why things happened the way they happened. Its all still in my head and I am the naughty one. Actually currently, if you ask him, I am brainwashed and being rebellious. My brother told me "what he considers brainwashing, is what others consider education" Heh
I learned to despise him slowly. Like, I would assume, most people learn to despise anybody. Slowly, as we learn them. As we learn who they are and not who they pretend to be. As we learn to work past the bullshit and lies we are presented with, to the truth behind it all.
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I'm pretty sure I've turned into a bitter bitch with a huge shovel. One of these days I'm going to exchange the shovel for a hoe
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RE: Learning to despise a Dominant. - 
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