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Does this happen to you - 9/9/2005 12:52:36 PM   
Mistressfionn


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline 		Have you ever met switches or other Doms(yes males) who don't take you serious as a Domme because your female or just don't get the hint that you are Dominant. I have experienced this a few times. Is it just pure ignorance, sexism or what I don't know? Some of my experience was just from sexist men who think women should be submissive others experiences I have had I think the people just did not understand the concept of one being fully Dominant and not a switch. Have any of you experienced this and how did you handle it?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Does this happen to you - 9/9/2005 2:02:45 PM   
pandora29


Posts: 22
Joined: 8/19/2005
Status: offline 		OMG lol i just got done posting the same thing but it was about e-mails.The best advice i have gotten is that it's their problem not yours and you really don't have to take it or justify yourself.In fact i had a very funny debate about the same thing not to long after my post and i asked him what made him so superior,i got a whole bunch of typical answers and i basically asked him after all his reasons was it because he could kick someone's ass IF he gets ahold of them.He claimed yes and then tried to use me as an example unsuccessfully(i'm 5ft3, he's 5ft11 and built) it was fun to run around him though.

(in reply to Mistressfionn)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Does this happen to you - 9/9/2005 2:13:07 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I have not experienced it much, but I have domme friends who have. I think it's a combination of ignorance and wishful thinking, combined with the sexism that permeates the scene. After all, wouldn't it be a coup to get to top a hot domme? LOL That's why the doms will only bottom to us in secret!

As long as they are POLITE, I kindly explain my orientation. If they are not polite........I am still gracious, but a little more firm in my brushoff.

(in reply to pandora29)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Does this happen to you - 9/9/2005 4:36:15 PM   
kc692


Posts: 3701
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mistressfionn

Have you ever met switches or other Doms(yes males) who don't take you serious as a Domme because your female or just don't get the hint that you are Dominant. I have experienced this a few times. Is it just pure ignorance, sexism or what I don't know? Some of my experience was just from sexist men who think women should be submissive others experiences I have had I think the people just did not understand the concept of one being fully Dominant and not a switch. Have any of you experienced this and how did you handle it?


May I ask a few questions? It says on your profile you have experience as a submissive. Have you told these people that don't take you seriously this same thing? That might be a reason they think you might be a switch. I am a few years older than you, (few, hell, but we can always pretend, smiles), so, do you think, even if unjustly, your age might play a factor in their perception. I know a few of our most esteemed Ladies on these boards are younger, but they are still a little older than you. ( I'm not saying there are no dommes that are 26, and not saying any that are around that age on this board are not dommes either, just one particular domme comes to mind in that approximate age group, and she is a little over 30....). There will always be some jerkoffs out there, and I have met a FEW "doms" or "alpha males" that thought at first the same thing , but they thought otherwise quickly ( I would say it was my demeanor, not my innate bitchiness when provoked, although they might disagree, smiles). There are even some on this board that have confessed to the desire to "flip a domme". (I would say they were speaking in general, because, like the other posters have said, I have had my share of doms flip for me, smiles, not the other way around.)

Try to look at it another way; so what if they don't believe? Does that change you in any way? I understand it can be frustrating, but the attitude on how you react goes a long way in either fostering or dispelling their perception. Basically, I don't care whether someone knows I am a domme or not, unless they are my submissive. I am "me" whether folks choose to believe what I am or not. If you truly get to the point you don't care, they will either begin to be aware of your dominance, or at the very least, you won't notice if they don't. JMHO



(in reply to Mistressfionn)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Does this happen to you - 9/9/2005 6:10:02 PM   
FTopinMichigan


Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mistressfionn

Have you ever met switches or other Doms(yes males) who don't take you serious as a Domme because your female or just don't get the hint that you are Dominant. I have experienced this a few times. Is it just pure ignorance, sexism or what I don't know? Some of my experience was just from sexist men who think women should be submissive others experiences I have had I think the people just did not understand the concept of one being fully Dominant and not a switch. Have any of you experienced this and how did you handle it?


In another thread, I recently related that I've seen a trend of formerly dominant women, some even Pros, being full blown slaves now. As this trend seems to widen, I think some men think this is an easy conversion.

For the most part, I find dominant men, in my own community, respecting me being a Top. There are a few that have serious issues, and will never comprehend the idea that all women are not submissive to them (but I see that, as their own problem). My own personality and responses are more than definite in my being a dominant lady, and if someone doesn't know me, they find out quickly, if they are ignorant and presumptuous in their approach.

One Dom in particular kept getting far too familiar by his words and actions. At a private club once, he came up from behind and put me in a choke hold. His squeeze was hard enough to take away my breath. I don't see this as acceptable behavior toward "anyone," and it was his attempt to overpower me, in front of others. We had a very serious discussion about his actions, after the incident.

Not long after, he proceed with his "are you behaving" comments, in front of others, and patting me on the head, while abruptly kissing my neck, as he squeezed my shoulders. He has NEVER been that familiar with me, or close to me, to touch me in that manner.

I did not react then, as this particular munch was not the venue for my desired response (for those that know me...insert evil grin here). I sent him a private note, and told him "NEVER to touch me again." He was never to hug me, shake my hand, or get with five feet of me, as he was not respecting me, or my physical boundaries, as clearly discussed in the past.

To this day, we still see one another, and are cordial enough, but he keeps his distance, in spite of asking a few times if he could hug me. I've told him "no contact"....means no contact.

Once the boundaries of respect are broken, I don't feel they can be repaired. I understand mistakes and faux pas happen, but when discussed, and specifically clarified, there's no excuse for overstepping boundaries...or in this case, the choice of one's orientation/position, or preferred role.

K

(in reply to Mistressfionn)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Does this happen to you - 9/9/2005 6:36:25 PM   
IndigoDadesi


Posts: 185
Status: offline 		Im not sure if it is an "initiation rite" on collarme or what, but when I first joined a little while ago I found the same thing. I dont know if you are experiencing quite the same thing as I did, but I will try to relate.

When I first joined the community here it was my first online BDSM forum site and, I have to admit, I was alittle unsure of what to expect. Im also fairly new Domme so am kind of in the process of "finding my place", so to speak, in my local and in the online community.

So when I found that some Doms saw me as a pseudo-Dominant (I use the example of some males who think a woman is a lesbian because "shes just never had a real man before") I was first taken aback by it and then very offended that anyone would think that of me. Then I went through how I had acted, what may have gave them that impression and when I came up with nothing after torturing myself about it I did what you are doing now: I asked others what they thought about the whole situation.

I learned a few things from that experience.

1. My confidence in my abilities as a Domme do not need to be affected by others opinions of me.
2. Some men are disrespectful perverts.
3. Any man who thinks that they can "break" a Domme into submission is in this lifestyle for the wrong reasons (namely psychological issues) and need to be avoided by myself and any submissive that I care about.

Take care and welcome to the community.

~ I.D.

(in reply to Mistressfionn)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Does this happen to you - 9/10/2005 2:08:10 PM   
MzKittysRenegade


Posts: 1
Joined: 8/26/2005
Status: offline 		A new twist to the "initiation" mentioned here...

A couple years or so ago, I put up a profile in which I presented as a single femdom looking for a sub male. I got lots of emails from doms despite being very clear that none were to bother contacting me.

I now have a husband and my profile has a pic with us both in it. I have received absolutely NO emails from doms. NONE. Interesting, huh?

I'm now looking for another sub male. But that's a whole other story...

Mistress Rene





(in reply to IndigoDadesi)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Does this happen to you - 9/10/2005 5:16:25 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mistressfionn
Have any of you experienced this and how did you handle it?


I've experienced it a few times but I tend to dismiss anyone who doesn't take me seriously. I don't really have time for people like that. I figure they are usually the type of people who need to put others down to raise themselves up higher.

I usually deal with it by not trying to go head to head with them. I find the more powerful thing to do is just smile and walk away with your head up high. If you need to say something, it can along the lines as "I will not allow you to engage me in such a confrontation". By not allowing them to affect you, you have taken away their power.

Hope that helps.

- LA


_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Mistressfionn)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Does this happen to you - 9/10/2005 7:47:01 PM   
Sardax


Posts: 17
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline 		You know its an amazing thing but I have never ever been asked by anyone if I was REALLY dominant ;).
Saying you are submissive seems to be accepted as fact and never doubted-especially if you are male.
(Actually I doubt I really am sub-but that's another matter)

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Does this happen to you - 9/10/2005 8:01:36 PM   
LadyJC


Posts: 111
Joined: 5/18/2005
Status: offline 		Had a male dom who used to say to me all the time, Your a submissive but you haven't found the right dom yet. I would get severely annoyed and walk away. One day he said that at a play party amongst other female doms, and male doms. I turned around smiled real pretty and said, Maybe you're just a submissive who hasn't found the right dom yet.
So next time someone says that to you, just spill the same sentence back to them see the look of shock on their face...it's quite gratifying really.
Mind you this was also a man who would allow his sub to top from the bottom. She would try and manipulate everyone...didn't work well on me though. I know all the tricks into manipulating if I really wanted to I just don't.
LadyJC

(in reply to Sardax)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Does this happen to you - 9/13/2005 7:11:53 PM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FTopinMichigan
One Dom in particular kept getting far too familiar by his words and actions.



I've run into the "The only reason she's a Domme is she hasn't met the right MAN yet" mentality before. It gives you a pretty good idea of who you don't want to be friends with or be around. :-) Another good response to someone like that, especially if such is said in public, is something to the effect that he sure as hell wouldn't be "man enough" to make you switch. (Sorry honey, even if I were a switch, you'd not be Dom enough to interest me. Now if you'd like to discuss being at MY feet, since you seem so infatuated with me, we can discuss it.) I often find laughing at someone who has made such a suggestion, then walking away, gets my point across.

The guy like FT mentions is a bit harder to deal with. *frowns* I'm a bit cautious about a fellow I met at a munch who is a Dom and seems very taken with me. He was a bit too.. friendly when he said goodbye, actually going as far as rubbing the nape of my neck. It was not quite enough to yell at him over it or even send a note about it afterwards. But it sure isn't going to happen again. I plan to have a quick talk with him, face to face, in private at the earliest opportunity.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to FTopinMichigan)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Does this happen to you - 9/13/2005 7:50:00 PM   
mantis65


Posts: 456
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline 		Hi Sardax!

I believe it’s because some people have a stereotype of what is submissive or dominant behavior.
they don’t understand it when someone isn’t acting they way they expect their serotype to act.
That’s not to say some people do not sense things in someone the person themselves may not be aware. You would have to know that person over time to sense things just meeting someone right off the bat and questioning their orientation is foolish.
I also feel human beings are too complex to label dominant or submissive in every situation or relationship.


(in reply to Sardax)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Does this happen to you - 9/13/2005 7:53:50 PM   
kc692


Posts: 3701
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

quote:

ORIGINAL: FTopinMichigan
One Dom in particular kept getting far too familiar by his words and actions.



I've run into the "The only reason she's a Domme is she hasn't met the right MAN yet" mentality before. It gives you a pretty good idea of who you don't want to be friends with or be around. :-) Another good response to someone like that, especially if such is said in public, is something to the effect that he sure as hell wouldn't be "man enough" to make you switch. (Sorry honey, even if I were a switch, you'd not be Dom enough to interest me. Now if you'd like to discuss being at MY feet, since you seem so infatuated with me, we can discuss it.) I often find laughing at someone who has made such a suggestion, then walking away, gets my point across.

The guy like FT mentions is a bit harder to deal with. *frowns* I'm a bit cautious about a fellow I met at a munch who is a Dom and seems very taken with me. He was a bit too.. friendly when he said goodbye, actually going as far as rubbing the nape of my neck. It was not quite enough to yell at him over it or even send a note about it afterwards. But it sure isn't going to happen again. I plan to have a quick talk with him, face to face, in private at the earliest opportunity.


BeachMystress, it's wonderful to see you again!!

(in reply to BeachMystress)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Does this happen to you - 9/14/2005 2:10:25 AM   
MistressBasia


Posts: 11
Joined: 9/8/2005
From: Spain
Status: offline 		Hello, to throw in my 5 pence, I think the people who general don´t take women serious as Dommes are just the good old chauvinists. Its equal to lesbians who tell you you can´t be bi,you are lesbian or hetero. Another thing would be that they don´t believ that YOU are a domme.Maybe you send mixed signals?

(in reply to kc692)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Does this happen to you - 9/14/2005 6:10:18 AM   
FTopinMichigan


Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzKittysRenegade

A new twist to the "initiation" mentioned here...

A couple years or so ago, I put up a profile in which I presented as a single femdom looking for a sub male. I got lots of emails from doms despite being very clear that none were to bother contacting me.

I now have a husband and my profile has a pic with us both in it. I have received absolutely NO emails from doms. NONE. Interesting, huh?



On a somewhat similar thought, about the photos in profiles (and in my case the mention of "marital status" too)....I'm single, and when I received responses, many times they included vulgar suggestions, etc. When I turned Professional for a few months, I had a profile that left my marital status blank. The men (some of the exact same men) approached me with great courtesy, and seemed to take the time to choose their words carefully.

So, when I was a single lady looking for a single man (for a relationship), I was vulnerable to attack and abusive language, as well as unmentionable suggestions. When I was a Pro, seeking monetary gain for services provided, I was then treated like a "lady."

I was at a lose to the why the tone of the contacts changed entirely. My Domme friends, that are married, have stated they do not receive the type of vulgar responses that I've gotten over the years.

Perhaps this would be another thread, but it just goes to show, once again, that women are treated differently....by men...that are different too. Thank goodness, as I've said before...we are not "all" alike, and these incidents are hopefully not the majority of contact, or the norm for most of us.

K

(in reply to MzKittysRenegade)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Does this happen to you - 9/14/2005 7:45:42 PM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IndigoDadesi

Im not sure if it is an "initiation rite" on collarme or what, but when I first joined a little while ago I found the same thing...
1. My confidence in my abilities as a Domme do not need to be affected by others opinions of me.
2. Some men are disrespectful perverts.
3. Any man who thinks that they can "break" a Domme into submission is in this lifestyle for the wrong reasons (namely psychological issues) and need to be avoided by myself and any submissive that I care about.

Take care and welcome to the community.

~ I.D.


1. This has been my experience, almost exactly!
2. These are My sentiments, almost exactly!

Texas Maam

(in reply to IndigoDadesi)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Does this happen to you - 9/14/2005 9:45:41 PM   
nicochan


Posts: 78
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline 		Wow, you guys really have it down. I haven't been a member here very long, but if I do get a message like that on here, or if I'm approached like that IRL, I'll sure know what to do. Plus Sir and his wife would gladly set them straight if they witnessed such a thing. Even so, I feel more comfortable knowing that if something like that happens to me that I'll be prepared.

(in reply to TexasMaam)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Does this happen to you - 9/15/2005 4:30:40 PM   
PetTeacher


Posts: 57
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Yes, I have had this sort of thing to happen to me. Guess what? I have fun with it some times. I sit the fence and allow the other party to skirt chase me all the while with a smirk on my face. Those that know me, just sit back and enjoy.

Some days, it pays to say nothing.

_____________________________

"The heart of another is a dark forest, always,.... no matter how close it has been to one's own.",

(in reply to nicochan)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Does this happen to you - 9/16/2005 5:46:32 AM   
FTopinMichigan


Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PetTeacher

Yes, I have had this sort of thing to happen to me. Guess what? I have fun with it some times. I sit the fence and allow the other party to skirt chase me all the while with a smirk on my face. Those that know me, just sit back and enjoy.

Some days, it pays to say nothing.


PetTeacher, I like your way of handling things. Welcome to the Message Boards, btw.

K

(in reply to PetTeacher)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Does this happen to you - 9/16/2005 8:55:44 AM   
craveslave


Posts: 1
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Yes, this use to happen alot in the beginning, before I made my dominance more public. I am a natural dom and gravitate towards submissive men and women.

My experience is with men who are confussed about their status..as a dom or submissive. There are many men who are truly dominate, but enjoy some of the things done to them that are done to a submissive, ie spanking, anal sex etc. I now know how to screen these confused doms out. Also, I am pretty straight up when exploring potential subs about their submissiveness.


(in reply to Mistressfionn)
Profile   Post #: 20
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