Am I really a dom?

Am I really a dom? (Full Version)

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Spankuvrymuch -> Am I really a dom? (2/10/2008 10:51:21 PM)
I am not sure how to articulate this so I will just let it flow and see what happens. I think I am a dom, but I am not sure. I am arroused by spanking and humiliation and some amount of pain (light) but at the same time I don't want to really hurt a woman. Yet I believe women to be equals in all things. The real contradiction in my mind (maybe it is only in my mind) is that while I do not think of myself as a "hero" (more of an anit-hero; John Wayne in The Searchers for example) and I am by no means a knight in shining armor (I kind of detest that motif) and no one's prince charming I find with in myself a strong desire to be a protector, the shoulder to cry on. How does all that work with sexual domination? How can this contradiction hold? Maybe I am not a real dom and CM is not the place for me?

greyangelus -> RE: Am I really a dom? (2/10/2008 10:54:57 PM)
Ask yourself this question. Do I feel the need to be in charge of the relationship for 'fill in the blank' reasons, EXCLUDING anything sexual?

Nineveh -> RE: Am I really a dom? (2/10/2008 11:04:05 PM)
Nicely summed up grey.

SailingBum -> RE: Am I really a dom? (2/10/2008 11:08:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Spankuvrymuch I am not sure how to articulate this so I will just let it flow and see what happens. I think I am a dom, but I am not sure. I am arroused by spanking and humiliation and some amount of pain (light) but at the same time I don't want to really hurt a woman. Yet I believe women to be equals in all things. The real contradiction in my mind (maybe it is only in my mind) is that while I do not think of myself as a "hero" (more of an anit-hero; John Wayne in The Searchers for example) and I am by no means a knight in shining armor (I kind of detest that motif) and no one's prince charming I find with in myself a strong desire to be a protector, the shoulder to cry on. How does all that work with sexual domination? How can this contradiction hold? Maybe I am not a real dom and CM is not the place for me? That does not a dom make... What you describe sounds like plain sex to me. If you enjoi it do it. I would not be hung up on "what do I call myself" I had a rather interesting conversation with my slave last night. She was reading the posts on here and came across a post that had words to the effect... "if you hurt girls the person that does it MUST hate them" So she's like do you hate me and girls in general.... Instead of answering I asked her this "why do you like to be beat" her response doesnt matter... My point is. It truely doesn't matter what you motives are or what you call yourself. If you enjoi it do it. BadOne

defiantbadgirl -> RE: Am I really a dom? (2/10/2008 11:32:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Spankuvrymuch I think I am a dom, but I am not sure. I am arroused by spanking and humiliation and some amount of pain (light) but at the same time I don't want to really hurt a woman. Yet I believe women to be equals in all things. Honestly, I wouldn't want to be with a Dom or Switch that didn't think of me as an equal. To me, being a Dom is about control, not unfairness. There should be more Doms out there with your views.

katie978 -> RE: Am I really a dom? (2/10/2008 11:32:49 PM)
I stuggled with similar questions when I was getting into things myself. Although I identify as sub, I completely feel that I'm the equal of anyone, though submissive. I wouldn't waste time with a dom who didn't feel the same way... I am delighted to serve, but not because I'm less than equal to someone. As far as hurting a woman goes, I guess that depends how you mean. If you mean that nothing more hardcore than spanking turns you on, so what? Caning does not a dom make. If you mean that you don't actually want to hurt a woman, that non-fun kind of pain outside of the bedroom or punishment, I doubt you're alone there, and I think that would make you a better dom. There's an enormous difference between hurting a woman for mutual pleasure and hurting a woman for reasons of your own. So if you just want a woman to spank and call names and protect, I think you are still absolutely a dom, if you think you are. Good luck figuring things out.

Jayxkes -> RE: Am I really a dom? (2/10/2008 11:56:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Spankuvrymuch I am not sure how to articulate this so I will just let it flow and see what happens. I think I am a dom, but I am not sure. I am arroused by spanking and humiliation and some amount of pain (light) but at the same time I don't want to really hurt a woman. Yet I believe women to be equals in all things. The real contradiction in my mind (maybe it is only in my mind) is that while I do not think of myself as a "hero" (more of an anit-hero; John Wayne in The Searchers for example) and I am by no means a knight in shining armor (I kind of detest that motif) and no one's prince charming I find with in myself a strong desire to be a protector, the shoulder to cry on. How does all that work with sexual domination? How can this contradiction hold? Maybe I am not a real dom and CM is not the place for me? Many doms have had a similar situation early on. How you feel, does not mean either you are or are not a dom. My advice is to not worry about what anyone else, including me, thinks these feelings mean. Just carry on enjoying yourself, maybe do a little more research and reading and see where that takes you.

TotalState -> RE: Am I really a dom? (2/11/2008 3:10:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Spankuvrymuch Maybe I am not a real dom and CM is not the place for me? I wouldn't worry about being a "real dom". I don't know if anyone agrees what that actually is, anyway. And CM is the place for you if you are interested in the sort of lifestyle and discussion thereof that you see here, even a little bit. From what little you said about yourself, I think you'll fit in just fine.

Justme696 -> RE: Am I really a dom? (2/11/2008 3:40:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Spankuvrymuch I am not sure how to articulate this so I will just let it flow and see what happens. I think I am a dom, but I am not sure. I am arroused by spanking and humiliation and some amount of pain (light) but at the same time I don't want to really hurt a woman. Yet I believe women to be equals in all things. The real contradiction in my mind (maybe it is only in my mind) is that while I do not think of myself as a "hero" (more of an anit-hero; John Wayne in The Searchers for example) and I am by no means a knight in shining armor (I kind of detest that motif) and no one's prince charming I find with in myself a strong desire to be a protector, the shoulder to cry on. How does all that work with sexual domination? How can this contradiction hold? Maybe I am not a real dom and CM is not the place for me? First of all it is good that you think about what you do. Hitting a female for the wrong reasons I see as bad too. But (yes a but..) in the lifestyle we choose for this. One gives, one recieves...because of an "agreement" you made together... But if you feeling still says it is bad..yes..it might not be for you. But I can assure you..you are not alone with those feelings, but sadly you have to solve it yourself.

hermione83 -> RE: Am I really a dom? (2/11/2008 3:44:25 AM)
You sound like one, but I do also wonder if the protection also goes along with being strong, and in control .... (and not just sex), if so I would say yes..

ExSteelAgain -> RE: Am I really a dom? (2/11/2008 3:58:05 AM)
Define what "dom" means to you and see if you fit it. If your "contradiction" means you don't fit your personal definition, then you aren't. It is all what you believe about yourself. No one else can declare you dom or sub for that matter.

travelgman -> RE: Am I really a dom? (2/11/2008 4:39:57 AM)
If I understand your statement right. You experience sexual pleasure through the application of light pain administered through spankings. But you are turned off by the idea of being abusive, Not in the way some would use the term on here. But meaning you do not want to just physically abuse a women the way some men do. That statement would apply to many here. I would say most everyone here enjoys at least some measure of giving or receiving pain for pleasure. I think part of the issue for you-as you are new. Is you still have the same misconceptions that most people who are not in the lifestyle have. Many will not even try to understand the concept of pain for pleasure. So they see any of these activities as abuse. Regardless of whether the person on the receiving end volunteered for it and enjoys it. More than likely you have never had anyone tell you it was ok to feel this way and enjoy these sensations. And another misconception is that a Dom has to be into these things. That being a Dom or sub is all about sex. You can be a Dom and not like any these kinds of sexual activities. You would probably be in the minority around here.[:)] But that would be your right. Greyangelus really did hit the nail on the head back there though. Do you not only want to be in charge. But need to. Is it who you are? Answer those questions on your own terms to yourself. But never be afraid to ask questions or learn something new. I think most everyone here. Dom/sub switch whatever at one time had to face who they were and learn to embrace it. Something most everyone really has to do in life. Our choices just get frowned upon by the general populace. But sometimes you just got to do what you just got to do. "I control my destination" - Supafuzz

DesFIP -> RE: Am I really a dom? (2/11/2008 4:49:51 AM)
First off, you are confusing sadistic and dominant. Frequently these characteristics go together but they don't have to. The Man doesn't get turned on by leaving welts or reducing me to a sobbing, frightened mess. Our preferred activity is bondage and some light spanking. He's dominant because he wants to take the lead. For example, buying ice cream. If I'm spending more than a couple of minutes trying to pick one, he'll just make the decision and throw a half gallon into the cart. He takes the lead and makes the decisions that have to be made. None of which has anything to do with how you like your playtime.

LadyHathor -> RE: Am I really a dom? (2/11/2008 4:50:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: greyangelus Ask yourself this question. Do I feel the need to be in charge of the relationship for 'fill in the blank' reasons, EXCLUDING anything sexual? *Yep, what he said.*

scifi1133 -> RE: Am I really a dom? (2/11/2008 4:52:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Jayxkes quote: ORIGINAL: Spankuvrymuch I am not sure how to articulate this so I will just let it flow and see what happens. I think I am a dom, but I am not sure. I am arroused by spanking and humiliation and some amount of pain (light) but at the same time I don't want to really hurt a woman. Yet I believe women to be equals in all things. The real contradiction in my mind (maybe it is only in my mind) is that while I do not think of myself as a "hero" (more of an anit-hero; John Wayne in The Searchers for example) and I am by no means a knight in shining armor (I kind of detest that motif) and no one's prince charming I find with in myself a strong desire to be a protector, the shoulder to cry on. How does all that work with sexual domination? How can this contradiction hold? Maybe I am not a real dom and CM is not the place for me? Many doms have had a similar situation early on. How you feel, does not mean either you are or are not a dom. My advice is to not worry about what anyone else, including me, thinks these feelings mean. Just carry on enjoying yourself, maybe do a little more research and reading and see where that takes you. Well said Jay...was just about the same thing I was going to write.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Am I really a dom? (2/11/2008 5:04:06 AM)
I don't think you can answer this for yourself outside of real relationship experience. A few years ago, I decided I wanted to figure out how "far out" I was, and so I intentionally cruised "extreme" web sites, like torture sex porn, to see what visual images resonated with me. As far as that stuff goes, I'm a wuss. But I'd be willing to explore a lot of things with a woman I cared about. Also, almost all the women I've met online-to-real CHANGED THEIR PROFILES after meeting me. I'm not good at casual, fluffy conversation. If you're on a date with me, we're going to talk about life, the future, who you are, what you want to become. It's only through serious interaction with other people that you'll discover who you really are, or who you really want to make yourself into. Just be honest about who you are. As you spend time with women potentially interested in you, you will discover more about yourself. Lots of people started as a sub and became a Dom, and vice-versa. Who cares? The important thing is whether they are decent people.

TracyTaken -> RE: Am I really a dom? (2/11/2008 7:39:31 AM)
quote: The real contradiction in my mind (maybe it is only in my mind) is that while I do not think of myself as a "hero" (more of an anit-hero; John Wayne in The Searchers for example) and I am by no means a knight in shining armor (I kind of detest that motif) and no one's prince charming I find with in myself a strong desire to be a protector, the shoulder to cry on. You are comparing yourself to: "a hero," "knight in shining armor" and "Prince Charming." In my mind, all of that equates to fiction. If you presented yourself as actually being those things, I would consider you dishonest and probably less of a Dom than a kiss ass. [;)]

littlebitxxx -> RE: Am I really a dom? (2/11/2008 7:47:24 AM)
I think just the fact that you are questioning yourself and seeking answers about who you truly are says more about you than anything else. It also makes you more of a Domly person than most here, in my eyes.

Leatherist -> RE: Am I really a dom? (2/11/2008 7:51:04 AM)
People who follow stereotypes, become stereotypes. A Dominant Is who he is, in spite of them. I would consider most "Doms" here to be guys who follow a pack to kiss up to pussy. They bottom to a fantasy to get laid. Actual Doms seem to be the exception-rather than the rule.

toservez -> RE: Am I really a dom? (2/11/2008 7:55:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: greyangelus Ask yourself this question. Do I feel the need to be in charge of the relationship for 'fill in the blank' reasons, EXCLUDING anything sexual? I will echo this as well. If you just like to be a hero/need hero worship then that would not make you a Dom. That would make you someone with self esteem issues. One of the most difficult things in life in general is to understand and accept that people are different. This is often the biggest hurdle for new dominants to accept that submissives are just wired differently. It is just common to think what you like or dislike others will feel the same way but this does not translate well to D/s. What you would never do a submissive might live for and vice versa. I see nothing from the OP but common thoughts a sane person might have. Learning and understanding that not everyone who calls themselves a submissive might be a match but surely there will be some people on the opposite end who will want what you have to offer hopefully in time.

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