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Dommes and the taken man - 2/12/2008 9:51:54 AM   
darchChylde


Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline 		Ok, i've found i have a bit of popularity here with a number of  the female dominants here. Because of my experience in the vanilla world, and when i was a professional bottom back in the day; i can't help but think that i wouldn't be nearly as attractive were i available.  Now, i'm not implying that anybody would be trying to lure me away from Ma'am (or any other sub from their dominant); and i was already property before i joined collarme, so i don't have a relative reference point for my observations in this instance.

In the vanilla world, i've long known that men seem to be much more attractive to women when they are visibly attached to another man (i also know that this is not a phenomenon restricted to women's attraction to men).  i can't but wonder how much of that carries over here.

Does a man being owned by another dominant make him more appealing to you, nomatter that you'd never consider an attempt to take him from his owner?  If so, why?


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RE: Dommes and the taken man - 2/12/2008 10:01:27 AM   
LadyMyles


Posts: 15
Joined: 12/13/2005
Status: offline 		yes, I suppose to some extent the fact that a submissive is taken does increase his attractiveness at a base level. he's owned, therefore he must be one of the good guys, and not just a wanker. he's obviously got some redeeming qualities, because he's passed whatever tests his dominant has. it's basically the same gut-level reaction as in the vanilla world. if he's attached, there is a reason, and if it's long-term, it's probably a good reason.

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RE: Dommes and the taken man - 2/12/2008 10:11:19 AM   
ShaktiSama


Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline 		A man being "taken" or even significantly unavailable is a huge turn-off, so far as real emotional investment of desire or pursuit is concerned--at least for some of us.  I even smell another woman in a man's life, I am likely to write him off as a romantic or sexual prospect; he has to be outrageous desirable to overcome that hurdle.

I have no specific desire to impoverish the lives of other women by "stealing" men; my ego does not get any boost from defeating a rival in competition per se.  In general I prefer to treat others as I would like to be treated myself, and poaching men casually is right out.

There are two aspects of a man being "taken" however, which make me more likely to talk to him.  Number one, the fact that he is in a relationship with a woman--any woman--tends to indicate that he is not a hideously misogynistic psychopath ranging in intensity from Bill Mahr to Ed Gein.  If he can have a positive relationship with his mistress, girlfriend or wife, perhaps he does not have "issues" with women in general and may be someone you can talk to without immediately wishing you had a death ray.

Number two:  a man being taken can be somewhat liberating, if you tend to be a positive person in general.  When someone is "taken", it makes it easier to express positive thoughts or affirmation toward them without worrying about whether your words will automatically be taken it as a sexual overture, rather than being interpreted at face value as a well-meant compliment.

When speaking to a single man, women tend to be a lot more careful about saying anything positive, lest they be required to "back it up" with proof of romantic or sexual intent.  On the other hand, when a man is "taken", she may feel she can give him an affirmation like "You have pretty hair" without worrying that he will immediately cast himself at her feet shrieking "YOU SAID SOMETHING NICE ABOUT ME THAT MEANS YOU WANT TO DO ME!!! DO ME DO ME DO ME NOW!!!"

Just speaking from my own point of view.  YMMV--I'm sure some women DO enjoy wrecking other people's relationships for its own sake, and get a big ego kick out of being the "other" woman or winning some sort of dysfunctional contest. I just don't happen to be one of them.


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RE: Dommes and the taken man - 2/12/2008 10:40:24 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
I'm not sure. I don't personally find myself "more" attracted to someone who is "taken" - however, in this venue, it could be that one of the things that make an attached submissive attractive is that there's some proof that he's "real."  Now, I don't mean "real" as in "true" or "genuine" or any of those explosive labels:  I only mean it to say that he's not "experimenting," or "confused," or "hiding something" or it's the username/persona he is using this week -- he's got some verified stability that he isn't just passing through kinkville on the road to the next sporadic hobby.

So many kinky people are "new to the lifestyle" and unsure of their kinks and/or limits and to be honest, it seems like many of them are gone within weeks or days.  Someone who is partnered demonstrates that a woman already did the groundwork to establish that he's not just experimenting, only to move on to something else when he gets bored or caught.

Akasha


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RE: Dommes and the taken man - 2/12/2008 10:46:50 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I think your premise is wrong....I think women are attracted to a guy who is "attached" rahter then the other scenario.

Ya know, "the wedding band trick" etc...Women seem to always place themselves in competition with other females...Just one of the odd things about human behavior.

I think unless the man is attached, that men compete more over single women more than ones already engaged in a relationship.

Could be wrong, it's just the empirical evidence that I have gleaned while walking this scorched Earth.

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RE: Dommes and the taken man - 2/12/2008 10:47:13 AM   
AtlantaMistress


Posts: 276
Joined: 6/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde

Ok, i've found i have a bit of popularity here with a number of  the female dominants here. Because of my experience in the vanilla world, and when i was a professional bottom back in the day; i can't help but think that i wouldn't be nearly as attractive were i available.  Now, i'm not implying that anybody would be trying to lure me away from Ma'am (or any other sub from their dominant); and i was already property before i joined collarme, so i don't have a relative reference point for my observations in this instance.

In the vanilla world, i've long known that men seem to be much more attractive to women when they are visibly attached to another man (i also know that this is not a phenomenon restricted to women's attraction to men).  i can't but wonder how much of that carries over here.

Does a man being owned by another dominant make him more appealing to you, nomatter that you'd never consider an attempt to take him from his owner?  If so, why?



Sad, but true...and don't take it the wrong way, because I am sure you are wonderful with or without your Domme, but many people want what someone else has - for no other fact that someone else has it. Call it insecurity of someone to want to compete - to prove they are "better" from who they are trying to take you away from...or the fact that if someone else has decided you were good - that validates the decision and gives you more value...or people want what they can't have (and won't want you once they get you). I have seen it, certainly in the Vanilla world, but I would not assume D/s would change the fact that certain issues cross all lines - and those with no scruples or morals will do the wrong thing regardless of the "world" they live in. I, on the other hand, don't want what someone else has, have no intention of sharing mine, and realize if you can take someone away - they are not LOYAL - a quality I HIGHLY REGARD!


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RE: Dommes and the taken man - 2/12/2008 10:55:56 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		No, I don't find that more appealing, in fact, quite the opposite.

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RE: Dommes and the taken man - 2/12/2008 10:56:19 AM   
Gwynvyd


Posts: 4949
Status: offline 		A person who is "Taken" as previously mentioned tend not to be the flakes and momumental emotional fuckwits you run into otherwise.. and also as stated you can have a conversation, and even say something nice with out them instantly thinking you want to shag thier brains out. That is nice. I like talking with other couples... Not to shark.. because that is just simply ickie to the extreme... but because I like to see how others in D/s realtionships handle things. It is interesting.

Yes one of my boys is technicaly *very* taken. *sighs* I do not like it.. he does not like it.. but here we are none the less.. at an impasse. We all know about one annother. None of us are 100% happy. I pray for an anvil to fall from the sky and fall on her head on the daily. http://home.nc.rr.com/tuco/looney/acme/anvils.html Is it awful of me? yeah.. prob. but... who said I was a saint?
I never wanted a married man. Never planned on one. I unfortunatly have one as a soul mate. Sucks to be me.. that he couldnt bloody wait for me. I dont shove it in her face.. or do chicken hawking manuvers... I leave her pretty well enough alone.

Him being taken is a deficit.. not a positive thing.

Gwyn

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RE: Dommes and the taken man - 2/12/2008 11:14:42 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		No, his being attached to someone else is actually a turn off for me. I figure he is taken and wants to be where he is. There are other fish in the sea, I'd just swim on looking for the next.

~Lashra


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“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






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RE: Dommes and the taken man - 2/12/2008 11:30:15 AM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		No. Any one involved in another relationship and trying to get into a serious one with me will be rejected. I'm not interested in attached partners.
quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde

Does a man being owned by another dominant make him more appealing to you, nomatter that you'd never consider an attempt to take him from his owner?  If so, why?


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RE: Dommes and the taken man - 2/12/2008 11:32:27 AM   
LadyHathor


Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline 		No, not for Me, of someone is off limits so be it, I respect that and would want it to be respected.

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RE: Dommes and the taken man - 2/12/2008 11:44:35 AM   
darchChylde


Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline 		i would like to point out, or even reiterate; that my question is not to infer an owned submissive reaching out to another dominant or a dominant trying to poach another's submissive.

This question is about attraction, not loyalty and respect.  i'm attracted to many women who i would not seek to be with for the fact that i'm taken and very happy where i am, but that doesn't mean that the attraction is not there.  i will most likely never have the opportunity to make love to Jennifer Tilly, for many different reason; that doesn't change the fact that she really stokes my furnace.


_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

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RE: Dommes and the taken man - 2/12/2008 11:56:52 AM   
AtlantaMistress


Posts: 276
Joined: 6/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde

i would like to point out, or even reiterate; that my question is not to infer an owned submissive reaching out to another dominant or a dominant trying to poach another's submissive.

This question is about attraction, not loyalty and respect.  i'm attracted to many women who i would not seek to be with for the fact that i'm taken and very happy where i am, but that doesn't mean that the attraction is not there.  i will most likely never have the opportunity to make love to Jennifer Tilly, for many different reason; that doesn't change the fact that she really stokes my furnace.



Ok then - still most of my post remains true though - even the attraction - without making a move - is there. The whole forbidden fruit - that apple probably looked redder and juicer than most LOL...and if someone else finds you attractive, that seems to make you more attractive to others. Maybe there is even some truth simply because of the confidence one may feel in who they are as part of being in a relationship - and the attitude of not bothering to care about if they "entice" others - for attitude certainly comes through and can change the way someone looks to others, and confidence is typically a very attractive quality.


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Mistress Sandy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd rather be hated for something I am than loved for something I am not.


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RE: Dommes and the taken man - 2/12/2008 12:50:55 PM   
ShaktiSama


Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline 		Answer:  No, I am not more attracted to men who are taken.  Just the opposite.  I am more comfortable with such men because attraction is no longer an issue.  A man has to be insanely sexy to overcome the negative effect of belonging to another woman.

Kind of like a car has to be insanely sexy before it goes from being "used" to being "vintage".   

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RE: Dommes and the taken man - 2/12/2008 12:55:47 PM   
unforegvn


Posts: 159
Joined: 8/25/2005
Status: offline 		My perspective on your question is that your "attractiveness" that you are feeling would still be there for you. It may be your personality that attracts women on this site not the fact that you are 'taken'.  Men for me are valued well taken care of property no more no less.

I have on many occasions seen a male that I would throw down on the ground pounce on him with all barrels loaded and extract every ounce of pleasure I could from his body before turning him loose but; that little ring, collar or the fact he is on the arm of a woman stops me...  I have also had the pleasure of acting upon these same instincts if he happens to be a single male I have no qualms about being the first to instigate communication about my intentions concerning a man I find irresistible.

Bottom line, absolutely I look at men, but if I see any of the things I mentioned the attraction fade instantly I guess the big head controls the strap-on!

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RE: Dommes and the taken man - 2/12/2008 1:01:06 PM   
MissIsis


Posts: 473
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline 		No, I have never wanted another woman's crumbs.  I am not attracted to men who are attached to someone.   Quite the opposite.  

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RE: Dommes and the taken man - 2/12/2008 1:30:39 PM   
MsCfromMelbourne


Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		OK, I am very cynical about woman taking serious interest in a taken men.  Idle chat with one doesn't count.

Sorry to say this DC, but IMO its not about the irresistable attractiveness of the taken man, its about proving to herself (and maybe others) that she is a better catch than his current partner.

Women attracted to BDSM who identify as dominants love power.  They are not afraid of a power struggle and conflict to get what they want.  And beating another Dominant (usually female but not always) gives them a much bigger power rush than the willing ceding of power by an available submissive. 

Some Dommes even admit they think 100% willing, consensual submission is 'weakness' and  a 'turn-off'.  To get their rocks off, these women really need a kicking-and-screaming power struggle with a strong foe and to be the winner (of course!). 

Some (not all) of these power junkies also love triangular competitions with other women over the same man ....or job, or friends or local BDSM scene status (ever watched the back biting bitch fights for "Queen of the Scene" social status?  Scary stuff!....)

Needless to say, they are not very happy campers until they win the power struggle.  They might patiently wait and bide their time, but they rarely back down and just go find another man of their own. 

The more a nice taken guy like  DC says sweet things about his Mistress, the more this kind of woman thinks "Bah humbug!  I bet they are not as cosy in real life as they pretend online.  I bet if I privately make a big fuss of him, he will be so flattered and excited, he will hide our clandestine contact from Her. I could put a wedge in the trust between those two easily"

Does she really want the taken man?  Probably not.  Does she want to undermine what the other Domme has got?  Of course.

Yeah I know I am cynical.  But no-one gets away with challenging me by hitting on my sub.  They don't remotely get the chance.  I was not always this cynical about some of the other Dommes.........and I paid the price.




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RE: Dommes and the taken man - 2/12/2008 1:32:49 PM   
darchChylde


Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: unforegvn

I guess the big head controls the strap-on!



Though we've all often heard the one about the "big head controlling the little head", i have to say that i love the feminine twist you've put on it; it means nearly the same thing while still giving it its' own unigue flavour.

i have to admit that if i ever ran into a woman who was controlled by her strap-on, i'd run for the hills and bury myself under them.  Beyond my own feelings about strap-ons, it's just an apparatus; unlike the male penis *ducks the flaming biological waste tossed at him*, which at least has been there all a guy's life and is a close and (sometimes) trusted friend.


quote:

ORIGINAL: MsCfromMelbourne

its not about the irresistable attractiveness of the taken man



*lower lip trembles* But, but, but; i thought i was special.

Hehe, just kidding.  Really, i'm over it.

i want to thank everyone for their imput.  Really enjoying this glimpse into the always fascinating and often terrifying mind of the Femininus Aggressivus



< Message edited by darchChylde -- 2/12/2008 1:38:44 PM >

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to unforegvn)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Dommes and the taken man - 2/12/2008 1:42:15 PM   
ToysAndTies


Posts: 124
Joined: 5/20/2007
Status: offline 		I get hit on most frequently when it is known that I am in a committed and monogamous relationship.  I think it's a risk factor: a girl can feel free to say that she's into someone, turned on by him, attracted to him, what have you without ever having to worry about following through on that statement.  It's hit and run.  Also, in general, girls tend to be more socially oriented than guys.  We are on the whole, lone wolves.  We find what we like, and we track it, hunt it (and sometimes kill it).  Women are pack hunters...if one member of the pack spots a good guy, the others may try to get him too.  Lionesses without a Lion so to speak.

I'd have to say that I do believe people seek the forbidden fruit, because we trust each other's judgement.  Like an earlier poster said, having a partner somehow inherently validates your worth as a person, proving that you are not emotionally desolate or a sex-obsessed chauvinist.  "But that's just my opinion, I could be wrong"

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RE: Dommes and the taken man - 2/12/2008 2:25:52 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde

Does a man being owned by another dominant make him more appealing to you, nomatter that you'd never consider an attempt to take him from his owner? If so, why?



A man having another partner isn't appealing to me so why would someone who is owned by another be appealing to me?

I have seen/heard that tendency too, darchChylde, but even though I'm a woman I can't understand it at all.

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