RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"...

RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"... (Full Version)

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MzMia -> RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"... (2/12/2008 8:16:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressDolly quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHugs I come to the summary, that a slave/submissive who says they are not getting enough play time can be responded to by saying--are they slave or are they playmates? That said, I think the real trap though; is not being very honest that after the honeymoon stage is over--its not filled with a lot of play and more about the management of home, work, relationship, bills--not just the 'play' part. The other trap is -- looking at a slave a male or female. Slave is neutral and, how I treat slaves should not have any exceptions--especially concerning sexual genital placement. Drill Sergeant is a Drill Sergeant, that is how I look at the role of Dominant and submission/slave. However, I am a firm beliver of making time. IF I am not feeding the needs of my slaves; its my responsibility to do so. Some feed through hamburgers and some feed through a nice flogging session and any assortment of reaffirmation and feeling themselves where they need that space and place to replentish themselves and envelope in their enslavement. Respectfully submitted for consideration, Lady Hugs I agree. I would suggest to him a female Top would be more suitable for his needs. While a give and take is essential for a relationship to work; I, however, prefer a male whose primary motive is to give, i.e., to serve and submit. [sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif] As usual, I agree with Ms.Dolly! I would also add a Service Top at that or a Professional Domina {who specializes in fullfilling her submissive's desires} leaves singing "Do Me Baby", lol

rubberpet -> RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"... (2/12/2008 9:28:24 PM)
If there has been a lapse in the frequency or intensity of play between Mistress and I, all I'd have to do is bring it to Her attention, respectfully of course, and She would make adjustments if She found them necessary. I know there are going to be times when I'm ready to play and She's tired (and vice versa). Life simply gets in the way sometimes. If there is a deeper story, then She and I have the blessed gift of open communication. We feel that through discussion, there is nothing we can't overcome. If I feel the need to incorporate a pro-domme or another domme to have my needs met, then there are some serious underlying issues that need to be confronted with Mistress. I don't see that happening, though.

undergroundsea -> RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"... (2/13/2008 5:00:02 AM)
I think the question means different things depending on how play time is construed. If play time is construed as a physical session where the bottom is played, it means one thing. If play time is construed as whatever interaction or rituals make the relationship a D/s relationship, it means something different. I think there can be a way to be actively dominant versus passively dominant. The latter has potential to lessen the energy from the relationship, as well enthusiasm of a sub. I recall a post by MistressFaye1 recently which gave advice about keeping the D/s dynamic in place or else the sub might feel a change in the D/s energy he feels towards the realtionship. I have experienced this or similar phenomena. It was not a concscious choice--it just happened. I have not reflected on how much of it occurred because of frequency of D/s interaction, and how much due to other variables. Cheers, Sea

thetammyjo -> RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"... (2/13/2008 7:07:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: undergroundsea I think the question means different things depending on how play time is construed. If play time is construed as a physical session where the bottom is played, it means one thing. If play time is construed as whatever interaction or rituals make the relationship a D/s relationship, it means something different. I took the OP to mean play time as in SM or bondage or specific activities not the daily DS that some of us enjoy/employ most of the time of not all of the time.

BlackGoddessNY -> RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"... (2/14/2008 12:16:11 AM)
I dont approve when My slaves ask for "more playtime"...I treat everyone accordinly and no two ppl are the same. So with a taste of My ways put out there, My slaves should not be selfish... and should not question why time has been extended longer in between play... a Mistress so wonderful will never be with just one slave... slave should trust that I accepted him/her to be mine to do as I please Whenever I please. Trust and patience is the key to a healthy relationship

PrincessDonna -> RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"... (2/14/2008 1:52:10 AM)
As a Domm I have to agree with Suessub,the more my subs/slaves pamper me the more time I have to think up "playtime" things to do and have the energy to do them as my subs have shown their part by pampering me!

rubberpet -> RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"... (2/14/2008 2:18:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlackGoddessNY I dont approve when My slaves ask for "more playtime"...I treat everyone accordinly and no two ppl are the same. So with a taste of My ways put out there, My slaves should not be selfish... and should not question why time has been extended longer in between play... a Mistress so wonderful will never be with just one slave... slave should trust that I accepted him/her to be mine to do as I please Whenever I please. Trust and patience is the key to a healthy relationship That's true to an extent. Slaves should not be selfish because their Mistress's wants and needs should come first, but even slaves are human and have wants and needs that need to be met, too. Because I am Mistress's one and only slave, does that make Her less wonderful because She chooses to own just one slave that just happens to not only satisfy all Her wants and needs, but exceeds Her expectations, too? I find that statement a bit insulting to the dommes out here who believe in owning one, and only one, slave. After reading your profile, I see you place a large emphasis on your search for "generous" slaves. Just curious, but does the amount of playtime you give someone depend on how much the guy is willing to spend on you? If a really wealthy guy was spending ungodly amounts of money on you, would you let him get away with asking for more playtime? Would you "put out" more playtime for him if he had a big enough bank account? Your profile makes you sound like you are just about money and don't really care about the deeper connection and beautiful dynamics of a meaningful D/s relationship. D/s, submission, and slavery should be about lots of beautiful things (like love, honor, devotion, trust, growth), not just about the Benjamins.

GoodgirlFind -> RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"... (2/14/2008 7:27:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: rubberpet .... sound like you are just about money and don't really care about the deeper connection and beautiful dynamics of a meaningful D/s relationship. D/s, submission, and slavery should be about lots of beautiful things (like love, honor, devotion, trust, growth), not just about the Benjamins. Oh My God. I just had an epiphany. Lets all go tell anyone who plays without a deep connection that they are invalid. A lot of master doms are all about sex and not the deeper connection. OI!! Wait a minute: she has to play for a deep connection and not for something anti-love like money? Good grief. Now all thoese MALE DOMS who play for a, er..., "fuck" and NOT for deep connection have to give up play too? There's a many a men subbies who don't want to play for a deep connection. Deep connection. Sex or Money. Which one is more appropriate? Fact is it depends on who you ask. What works for you dont always work well for another couple doing scenes for their own personal reasons. Personally doing a scene for sex or for money are okay just as long as everyone is on the same page.

DianeB269 -> RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"... (2/14/2008 7:39:24 AM)
He/she is the sub and you are the domme. Why is he/she telling you what he/she wants? Diane

chezzy52 -> RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"... (2/14/2008 8:03:15 AM)
I think play shouldn't be doled out only for services rendered and before every Domme goes beserk allow me to explain.Yes i am in agreement with Lady Hathor that things need to be discussed and agreed upon.But life sometimes interrupts even the best intentions of a submissive during the course of his daily agreed upon duties.Should he then be punished with no play because he wasn't able to finish the project??I say if a Domme knows in her heart that the sub has given of himself 110% during the day but still failed at one of his assignments then i believe he should still be rewarded with playtime if you will.I also believe a sub should never have to ask for playtime.What do you do if your Mistress becomes ill???Squalk about playtime??I don't think so..you nurse her as she would you i am sure if the shoe was on the other foot.I don't know maybe i am talking out of my butt...but i look at the eleven years i spent taking care of my dying parents and i believe in my heart it has made me a better sub and how never to have expectations or worse,read some article and suddenly think thatis the way it is supposed to be.It doesn't matter how dominant you are or submissive,vanilla life will always interceed and it is how you deal with that,that will determine the success or failure of your relationship...at least that is what i feel.

youngsubgeoff -> RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"... (2/14/2008 9:01:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: rubberpet quote: ORIGINAL: BlackGoddessNY I dont approve when My slaves ask for "more playtime"...I treat everyone accordinly and no two ppl are the same. So with a taste of My ways put out there, My slaves should not be selfish... and should not question why time has been extended longer in between play... a Mistress so wonderful will never be with just one slave... slave should trust that I accepted him/her to be mine to do as I please Whenever I please. Trust and patience is the key to a healthy relationship That's true to an extent. Slaves should not be selfish because their Mistress's wants and needs should come first, but even slaves are human and have wants and needs that need to be met, too. Because I am Mistress's one and only slave, does that make Her less wonderful because She chooses to own just one slave that just happens to not only satisfy all Her wants and needs, but exceeds Her expectations, too? I find that statement a bit insulting to the dommes out here who believe in owning one, and only one, slave. After reading your profile, I see you place a large emphasis on your search for "generous" slaves. Just curious, but does the amount of playtime you give someone depend on how much the guy is willing to spend on you? If a really wealthy guy was spending ungodly amounts of money on you, would you let him get away with asking for more playtime? Would you "put out" more playtime for him if he had a big enough bank account? Your profile makes you sound like you are just about money and don't really care about the deeper connection and beautiful dynamics of a meaningful D/s relationship. D/s, submission, and slavery should be about lots of beautiful things (like love, honor, devotion, trust, growth), not just about the Benjamins. bro, I agree with you there. Its a trend Im seeing more and more with the "dommes" my age. In my not so humble opinion, a human being needs to be able to stand on theyre own before entering into EITHER end of a D/s relationship. I know I never expected anyone to pay my bills, and I dont want to pay anyone sles for them.

AAkasha -> RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"... (2/14/2008 9:55:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DianeB269 He/she is the sub and you are the domme. Why is he/she telling you what he/she wants? Diane Hehe, of course, this is the no-nonsense, no bullshit answer. Fortunately in my primary relationship we've never had this problem, but I had a few relationships in the past where the sub did want/expect/need a lot more femdom attention than I was able to provide, and ultimately it ended the relationship. Before it did, though, the sub would say, "I'm sorry, I was being too demanding, I'll stop, you are right, I was being pushy" -- and promise to change, but it didn't happen. And it's not so much the issue of "well you were incompatible obviously and you need to compromise" - it's the manner in which the submissive men presented their needs. Usually by hinting, being passive aggressive, or trying to earn punishment, and generally if I am too tired and not able to focus that kind of energy, any amount of hinting or whining or bad behavior isn't going to make me want to "punish" my boyfriend. The other issue is with submissives when you have more than one partner, and they are irritated that you are playing with "Frank" instead of him. Why is it that you didn't want to spank him, but you want to go over to his house and play with him? This is, I'm sure, something poly people have to deal with. Most of the time it had nothing to do with the submissive I was not playing with, it's just that the other one had something about his style that I was craving. The biggest thing I learned through the ups and downs of relationships with regards to a submissive's expectations for "play" was that I had to tell men right up front that I don't manufacture my desire. It's there or it isn't. I can't "fake it" and while I am deeply devoted enough to happily fuck like rabbits even if I am not "horny", I can't pick up a whip and "fake" domination if I am not in the mood - it rubs me the wrong way. But the good side of that story is that my urges ALWAYS come. If they aren't there "today" they might be tomorrow, and for sure, they will be there in a few days or a week at the most, as long as he's not nagging or whining about it (in which case, I lose desire for HIM because he's a whining little bitch that annoys me). And it's SO much better to wait until I have the mindset to focus, the energy to do it the way I need and the lust that powers it all. The subs that still could not take that for an answer, and wanted to know when, and how could they "speed up" the process, and maybe if we just started I would get into it..well, it's a compatibility issue. It took me a long time to figure out how my urges worked, what motivates them, and how to help a submissive understand that so we could see eye to eye on it. Most of the time it was fine, but a few submissives thought that dominance was a switch to be flipped on and off. Others simply had really unrealistic expectations and wanted that kind of attention all the time, and I knew no femdom could provide that. As always....communication is key! Akasha

DianeB269 -> RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"... (2/14/2008 10:41:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha quote: ORIGINAL: DianeB269 He/she is the sub and you are the domme. Why is he/she telling you what he/she wants? Diane Hehe, of course, this is the no-nonsense, no bullshit answer. Fortunately in my primary relationship we've never had this problem, but I had a few relationships in the past where the sub did want/expect/need a lot more femdom attention than I was able to provide, and ultimately it ended the relationship. Before it did, though, the sub would say, "I'm sorry, I was being too demanding, I'll stop, you are right, I was being pushy" -- and promise to change, but it didn't happen. And it's not so much the issue of "well you were incompatible obviously and you need to compromise" - it's the manner in which the submissive men presented their needs. Usually by hinting, being passive aggressive, or trying to earn punishment, and generally if I am too tired and not able to focus that kind of energy, any amount of hinting or whining or bad behavior isn't going to make me want to "punish" my boyfriend. The other issue is with submissives when you have more than one partner, and they are irritated that you are playing with "Frank" instead of him. Why is it that you didn't want to spank him, but you want to go over to his house and play with him? This is, I'm sure, something poly people have to deal with. Most of the time it had nothing to do with the submissive I was not playing with, it's just that the other one had something about his style that I was craving. The biggest thing I learned through the ups and downs of relationships with regards to a submissive's expectations for "play" was that I had to tell men right up front that I don't manufacture my desire. It's there or it isn't. I can't "fake it" and while I am deeply devoted enough to happily fuck like rabbits even if I am not "horny", I can't pick up a whip and "fake" domination if I am not in the mood - it rubs me the wrong way. But the good side of that story is that my urges ALWAYS come. If they aren't there "today" they might be tomorrow, and for sure, they will be there in a few days or a week at the most, as long as he's not nagging or whining about it (in which case, I lose desire for HIM because he's a whining little bitch that annoys me). And it's SO much better to wait until I have the mindset to focus, the energy to do it the way I need and the lust that powers it all. The subs that still could not take that for an answer, and wanted to know when, and how could they "speed up" the process, and maybe if we just started I would get into it..well, it's a compatibility issue. It took me a long time to figure out how my urges worked, what motivates them, and how to help a submissive understand that so we could see eye to eye on it. Most of the time it was fine, but a few submissives thought that dominance was a switch to be flipped on and off. Others simply had really unrealistic expectations and wanted that kind of attention all the time, and I knew no femdom could provide that. As always....communication is key! Akasha This is why I am very picky when it's time to find a new sub. I tell them up front, they are not the only sub I will be playing with. Very few do not care but, most of them can't deal with it. I also do not want a sub that wants/has to follow me around every minute of the day. Diane

DaddyAndCarina -> RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"... (2/14/2008 10:46:34 AM)
Well I am a switch but I would like to share my view from the slave side. I am not into the play aspect of all this as much as I am into the service ... Play is nice but not the major need. I do believe that before choosing a dominant I need to see what aspects meld ... or what I am willing to part with to be with a certain person. Making the choice to go back to Master there were things i was going to have to deal with to have him back in my life. I know that at times I can share needs with him but I dont come outright and ask.... Never have with anyone and I havent ever considered myself a slave till Him Sometimes real life interferes ... and lordy am I getting a lesson in paitence lately. But I will survive it even if at this moment I dont thnk so. I just really dont believe it is our place to ask for more ... but I also believe it is his responsibilty to provide me with my needs if there isnt outside interference. If needs arent meeting then it is time for them to discuss the possibilities of what the future or lack of a future

Shawn1066 -> RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"... (2/14/2008 11:07:29 AM)
Fast Reply. I literally haven't read anything else... I think if a submissive or a slave feels that they'd benefit from a bit more play time, then they should simply tell their dominant. Also...for example... Lets say Domme and slave normally play, in a heavy or light manner, once a day. All of a sudden...they go for like a month without doing anything of that nature. It's out of place, and I believe it's the slave's duty to make sure everything is OK. Something may be bothering the Domme, or perhaps she's not been feeling as well. It's not being overly needy if one does it properly and I don't think it's out of place for a slave to want an explaination as long as they remain respectful and understanding. My Owner and I have gone for stretches were we've played virtually every day, sometimes multiple times a day, and we've gone for stretches where we haven't played too much at all. This doesn't bother me. Play is not the alpha and the omega of our relationship. That being said, if it went too long, I'd ask her about it and I don't think she'd be offended at all. DV's Fox

vampchick88 -> RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"... (2/14/2008 6:03:03 PM)
I think Communication rules over money. No matter how much money you have happiness cannot be bought with it. Communication however has brought me happiness with pet. Anytime I feel as though somthing needs to be discussed I bring it up, he too has the right to voice his opinions on matters. I love that he is outspoken enough to tell me needs, wants, desires, etc. Its pretty much how we got started talking...letting eachother know what we're into and hard limits so that we wouldn't waste one anothers time. Play time, pet knows there will be lots though as he has addressed there will be times when life's factors that we cannot control get in the way. Through open communication if one ever feels somthing is lacking its brought up and discussed how it can be handled. I've found this to be the best way, but its just my personal opinion.

PsyVamp -> RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"... (2/14/2008 6:30:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha ..what does the femdom do? If your submissive came to you and said that the frequency and/or intensity of your "playtime" is not enough for him, what do you do? What do you do if he lets you know he wants to "play" tonight, and you are not up for it - and are not up for it a few days later, when he asks again? Do you do it anyway? What is the proper way for a submissive to ask for more play? Or should a submissive not ask for more? Were you ever in a situation where a submissive smothered you with too many requests? Akasha Well, lets see... Mine doesn't get enough play time. I know this because I don't get enough play time. After working all day and then doing homework and any chore I haven't assigned him yet and dealing with my UMs and any other family member, believe me, the last thing I have is energy to top. The two of us are honest about it, there is open communication and we try to set aside time when neither of the UM's are around. We have also begun the process of his taking over more of the household chores to free up my time and energy, this may alleviate some of the issue. Lady Jag

undergroundsea -> RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"... (2/16/2008 11:17:45 AM)
I think the behavior, boundaries, and wants of a sub come from a sum of layered components of which submission is one. That somebody enjoys submission does not by default make this person a lesser person whose needs matter less. That said, the nature of D/s may cause both partners to make the wants of a submissive be of secondary importance. To be pragmatic, if a submissive is not having his needs fulfilled, he will feel unsatisfied in a relationship, which will create resentment or challenges in the relationship, or cause one to seek an alternate. So I think simply ignoring the needs is not a practical solution. I think to say that a submissive is a submissive and should not have wants is equally impractical because humans do have wants. One may be able to control whether these wants are expressed but it is harder to control whether one feels happy or unhappy about the state of a relationship. If we can accept that a submissive can have wants, I think it would be productive to discuss how these wants, especially if they are unmet, can be communicated. Does anyone have examples of an approach that worked effectively, or reflections about how an unsuccessful approach could have been modified to achieve the right communication? Perhaps it would help if these needs are discussed as part of the negotiations or early phases of relationship that are exploring compatibility. I will add that because of whatever stigmas are associated with a sub expressing his needs, it would serve the interest of a domme to proactively ask this question to a sub--he might not bring up these points on his own for worry of being labeled pushy and might then resort to behaviors such as hinting, manipulation, etc. Cheers, Sea

MistressDolly -> RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"... (2/20/2008 9:12:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MzMia quote: ORIGINAL: MistressDolly quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHugs I come to the summary, that a slave/submissive who says they are not getting enough play time can be responded to by saying--are they slave or are they playmates? That said, I think the real trap though; is not being very honest that after the honeymoon stage is over--its not filled with a lot of play and more about the management of home, work, relationship, bills--not just the 'play' part. The other trap is -- looking at a slave a male or female. Slave is neutral and, how I treat slaves should not have any exceptions--especially concerning sexual genital placement. Drill Sergeant is a Drill Sergeant, that is how I look at the role of Dominant and submission/slave. However, I am a firm beliver of making time. IF I am not feeding the needs of my slaves; its my responsibility to do so. Some feed through hamburgers and some feed through a nice flogging session and any assortment of reaffirmation and feeling themselves where they need that space and place to replentish themselves and envelope in their enslavement. Respectfully submitted for consideration, Lady Hugs I agree. I would suggest to him a female Top would be more suitable for his needs. While a give and take is essential for a relationship to work; I, however, prefer a male whose primary motive is to give, i.e., to serve and submit. [sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif] As usual, I agree with Ms.Dolly! I would also add a Service Top at that or a Professional Domina {who specializes in fullfilling her submissive's desires} leaves singing "Do Me Baby", lol Follows you, licking lips saying "I thought you'd never ask".

EvilKitty -> RE: The submissive is not getting enough "play time"... (2/20/2008 4:19:20 PM)
sigh I wish my sub WANTED more playtime! He's been collared for 11 years & has become a part of the family. He's still submissive, just doesn't need playtime NEARLY as much as he did in the first few years or as much as I still do! When we do play, he can zone off into subspace while I'm still unwrapping my ropes, dammit! Guess I've gotten too good at pushing his buttons.[image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m18.gif[/image] I keep searching for that perfect pain piggy who will take his beating, put my toys away in my bag, then go away. Lady Cat

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