Question about new sub's actions (Full Version)

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Originator -> Question about new sub's actions (2/13/2008 2:25:21 PM)

Hello all

Newbie to the site, a good bit of experience with non-formal D/s relations.

Recently wanted to explore a more formal approach, and actively seeking out self titled subs/slaves for exploring, learning, D/s relationship.

Recently, I spoke on the phone for a number of hours with 3 differents sub females, and had some great conversations. Only one was local to me [LA], a 20yo with several D/s relationships prior, where there appeared to be some formal Master/slave protocol. I have never used such protocol or terms, but have been in relationships that were essentially D/s, without the terminolgy, or definitions. I am dominant by nature, and attract subs typically in RL.

So, after much texting with the 20yo, a number of phone calls [I have her numbers as well], and much aggreement that we are suitable to meet and pursue our goals with the relationship, she has disappointed me twice already within 4 days of lengthy chats. Only one breach is of importance to me, as the other had logistical issues. The breach I am pissed about is, she agreed to follow through and us pursue exploring the relaionship, while putting on hold any other doms that were pursuing her. We put on hold meeting until her 'stressful' mid terms are over Friday. She agree to call me when she had a break yesterday, but did not. I texted her to inquire about her day, and when she would be free. She responded that she was sorry, but "I told you this week was really crazy with mid terms".

Later that eve, I saw her online on the D/s site I met her on, as well as on her myspace. I texted her again to call me, no response. Since she had already asked me to "take full control and be very strict", I emailed her that she was to no longer go on the D/s site without my permission, and I texted her a third time to take 2 minutes out and call, since she obviously had time to read emails on a D/s site. No response in text. I texted her again that she would be punished for the non response[2am, possibly asleep]

Considering she left her last D for his lack of strict control", I wanted to start this relationship off with strictness, however she blames her inability to fully comply yet on midterms and a very crazy school schedule. To me the fact she is on the other sites means she is not serious, even though she assured me she wanted to hand over everything. I believe I will request user name and PS on the site.

For guys that have more experience with formalities with subs, am I being unrealistic to expect obedience this early on without having begun any real training? She has already begun accepting rules, yet I find the lack of response yestereday punishable and unacceptable.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.






RavenMuse -> RE: Question aboutnew sub's actions (2/13/2008 2:35:24 PM)

With that sort of situation... talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk, personaly I move on pretty swiftly. I refuse to be played games with and frankly thats what looks to be the case if what you are relating is accurate. When I state I will do something I do it and I expect the girl to do likewise. she may have agreed to your control by her words but her actions tell a different story and tell it loudly. Logistical problems are understandable however not being able to find two minutes to call at some point over an entire evening, that is NOT understandable nor (At least by Me) to be tolerated.

Best someone doing that with Me could hope for is one last chance and if that didn't happen.... have a nice life.



TotalState -> RE: Question aboutnew sub's actions (2/13/2008 2:35:50 PM)

How about getting to know her a bit first before starting to make demands?

Seriously, do your homework and be far more patient.



SimplyMichael -> RE: Question aboutnew sub's actions (2/13/2008 2:40:45 PM)

Okay, you are a 44 year old guy who wants to date a 20 year old chick in college and you are surpised she is flaky?  You believe a 20 year old who says she wants to hand over control of everything to you?  I am not sure which of you is more lucky things didn't work out!



RavenMuse -> RE: Question aboutnew sub's actions (2/13/2008 2:40:46 PM)

If she is already playing games with Him, saying she is too busy to get in touch yet finds time to check her D/s sites..... chances are there is nothing to be patient for. They already know each other enough that she agreed to come under his control... yet that obviously isn't how she is acting.... actions and words don't match.... now wether it is her words to Him OR His words to Us that are the problem, there is obviously a problem somewhere.



Originator -> RE: Question aboutnew sub's actions (2/13/2008 2:44:52 PM)

Many thanks for the replies.

Just to clear up something, I wouldn't arbitrarily make demands just for the sake of demands, I have a better use of time that silly stuff on my end.

I also could care less about her calling out of some neediness, that is petty, but I do care about the excuse that she was too busy, yet had time to log onto a D/s site.

However, I agree with patience, no problem there. In my expeience though, whoever is faithful over little, will be faithful over much, translated, if she is making excuses early on, this will remain a pattern.

Good advice though, glad to meet you guys.




Originator -> RE: Question aboutnew sub's actions (2/13/2008 2:51:33 PM)

quote:

Okay, you are a 44 year old guy who wants to date a 20 year old chick in college and you are surpised she is flaky? You believe a 20 year old who says she wants to hand over control of everything to you? I am not sure which of you is more lucky things didn't work out!


Valid. Yet my most recent girls were all 19-25, nothing new about the youth aspect, and yes, all are flakey at that age, few exceptions.

Specifically, my question is here because of one reason only, my first formalized D/s attempt with protocols, rules, etc, not to explore young girls per se.

I would assume that if she is asking for strictness, that these might simply be tests as should be expected.

I was hoping to see what others would do in a similar case.

Much appreciated input already.






GreedyTop -> RE: Question aboutnew sub's actions (2/13/2008 3:07:00 PM)

~devil's advocate`

here's a thought... maybe she signed on, but wasn't actively AT her computer? I'll often log in to several sites, then walk away. Sometimes for a few minutes, sometimes all day/night.
She told you that she's in mid-terms.  She may eventually WANT that strict control, but if she's stressing her exams (and I have yet to meet a student that DOESN'T), your demands on her (after she stated that her week was going to be stressful and crazy) may just serve to increase her stress level.  Personally, when I'm in a high stress period of my life, anything that isn't immediately relevant to what I'm dealing with often gets put on hold. If it's a person adding to my stress, I will ignore them until I've got the primary stressors sorted out.
I don't know that this is the case with her, but it might be worth considering.



DesFIP -> RE: Question aboutnew sub's actions (2/13/2008 3:11:07 PM)

You're moving too fast. You haven't even met her in real life yet you're talking about punishing her online. Beyond that she's in school, probably lives in a dorm and has zero privacy. More importantly, school comes first and if you cared for her as more than a warm body, you would be pushing her to study, to eat healthily, and to get some sleep. Instead your feelings are hurt.

Not strict enough comes after you've earned her trust. Which you haven't. Which returns us to the fact that you can't collar somebody you've never met and don't even know if you like.



Originator -> RE: Question aboutnew sub's actions (2/13/2008 3:14:58 PM)

Agreed, ballbusting warranted.

I think for some reason I took to heart needing to maintain a strictness way too early.




laurell3 -> RE: Question aboutnew sub's actions (2/13/2008 3:18:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Originator

Agreed, ballbusting warranted.

I think for some reason I took to heart needing to maintain a strictness way too early.




Agreed.  She is under no obligation to follow your commands until she is YOUR sub.   Until then her time is her own.  If she choses to be inconsiderate and not respond in a polite manner, well, don't make her YOUR sub, but stop trying to BE a Dom and just be you and you will find that the structure will follow when it is time.

Good luck!



ProlificNeeds -> RE: Question aboutnew sub's actions (2/13/2008 3:20:40 PM)

Whether she wants you to be strict right away or not, you should be 'in control' and decide what needs doing. First and foremost that means getting to know her and seeing if she is actually willing to commit to the kind of relationship you want.

I wouldn't give my submission to someone who isn't willing to get to know me and spend time with me.
Why should you give your dominance to someone who isn't willing to invest time into getting to know you and be with you?

Your dominance is a gift too, which should be earned with trust, and time. Her submission isn't very valuble either if she just gives it to whoever, whenever. Wouldn't it be more valuble if you knew it was genuine?



TreasureKY -> RE: Question about new sub's actions (2/13/2008 3:29:02 PM)

In my experience I have found that the words, "I was too busy" usually mean "I couldn't be bothered".  That tells me a lot.  What does that tell you?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Originator

... she is not serious...


Bingo.

Do you really think you can force her to change the way she feels?

I think you already know the answer.



ownedgirlie -> RE: Question about new sub's actions (2/13/2008 3:37:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

In my experience I have found that the words, "I was too busy" usually mean "I couldn't be bothered". 


I have found, in my crazy little life over here, that people make time for the things that are really important to them, and therefore don't have time for the things that are not.



RedMagic1 -> RE: Question about new sub's actions (2/13/2008 4:02:54 PM)

I don't allow a woman to call me "Sir" until we meet in real.  A (very bratty[;)]) friend of mine calls me "NotASir" because of this.  ("Yes, sir, NotASir.")  It's hilarious.  As people above are saying:

cart <------horse



antipode -> RE: Question about new sub's actions (2/13/2008 4:22:48 PM)

I dunno, school is pretty crazy, and from the way you talk you seem to think a 20 year old has her days planned out. That is a rarity. And a 20 year old giving up the rest of her social life (which is what those sites are) for you isn't going to happen. And then there is my pet peeve - phone calls, chats, texting, you have not met the girl, sat down, had a conversation where you could read each other's facial expressions, body language, etc? I personally will meet before coming to any conclusions about what, how, and whatnot.

Find out who she is, what makes her tick, all that good stuff, and do it in the flesh. And for God's sake stop checking up on when she is on what site - don't you have anything better to do? And does she really need another mother? If you start out a relationship with such overt distrust, it's going nowhere but down, and your behaviour shows her how insecure you really are, which will make you a non-dom in her eyes...



Originator -> RE: Question about new sub's actions (2/13/2008 4:33:39 PM)

quote:

And for God's sake stop checking up on when she is on what site - don't you have anything better to do? And does she really need another mother? If you start out a relationship with such overt distrust, it's going nowhere but down, and your behaviour shows her how insecure you really are, which will make you a non-dom in her eyes...


A bit presumptuous, I was just on the site that I met her on, she was showing in a window of "who's on now", no effort required.

No need to get trivial.

And actually, no, I didn't have anything better to do at the time, I punctured an eyeball Saturday and have been on heavy pain killers for a few days, trying to find very little to do that required moving my eyes to any extreme. Thanks for the advice on best non-use of my time though. :)



Ragin11 -> RE: Question about new sub's actions (2/13/2008 4:34:57 PM)

First off, I wanted to chime in because I am 23 and from my perspective, I never have my days planned out. I don't even know if I'm gong to make it to my next class or not. I understand how you are upset when you are ignored, my boyfriend thinks the same things if I don't text him right back, but honestly sometimes I don't check my phone all day. Most of the time, my phone is on silent, so I don't even hear texts or calls. As for the sites, I log on to sites all day and then just let my laptop sit, so I'm sure people think I'm online all the time. Don't even get me started about exams, sometimes I forget to eat. I'm not defending her because I don't know you or her, just trying to give a different perspective. Also, we're not all flaky.. lol.



CalifChick -> RE: Question about new sub's actions (2/13/2008 4:36:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

I don't allow a woman to call me "Sir" until we meet in real. 


But it's okay to call him "Stud" (even capitalized all Domly like that).

Cali



TotalState -> RE: Question aboutnew sub's actions (2/13/2008 5:01:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Originator

I think for some reason I took to heart needing to maintain a strictness way too early.


Well there you go.

As others have said, I don't think there's any particular reason to think that she is just blowing you off - it all depends on circumstance, and if you give her the benefit of doubt a few times she may just surprise you.  And you clearly know you should be taking it slow, so follow those instincts rather than the other. 



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